The ZombieTastic Review of:
Dead Heat
Dead Heat
Director: Mark Goldblatt
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Buddy Picture
Also Known as: One of the best movies Joe Piscopo made (sadly).
Part of a series?: No
The Scoring
Plot: Treat Williams is a police officer who is killed and then revived as a zombie by his
partner, Joe Piscopo, whose career was killed by this film and not revived. Thankfully.
Anyways, the two then try to stop a group of people who are robbing banks. These people
have also been killed and revived. Make sense? Now might be a good time to mention that
the "writer" of this "film", Terry Black, is a member of Mensa. Kind of makes that
organization seem a little less prestigious, doesn't it?
Score: 2
Exposition: Mercifully, there's a distinct lack of exposition in Dead Heat. This might be
because the plot is, like Joe Piscopo's acting ability, amazingly sparse. As a matter of fact,
the only real exposition comes during the re-animation of Roger Mortis (Treat Williams),
during which Doug Bigelow (Joe Piscopo) and Rebecca Smythers (Clare Kirkconnell)
explain how a machine is able to re-animate someone, as it's actually re-animating
someone! Crazy! What's even crazier about this scene is the fact that Bigelow and
Smythers have never seen or used such a computerized re-animating machine before, so
how they know how it works is beyond me. It sort of reminds me of when my Uncle Ted
spontaneously learned how to pilot a zeppelin back in '77. You know what else it reminds
me of? The fact that PCs were much cooler before we knew what they could do--or more
importantly, what they couldn't do. I mean, if you saw this movie in 1988, you'd probably
think to yourself, "Hmm, I don't know anything about computers, so I suppose it is possible
that they could be used to bring dead people back to life." This as opposed to what you
would probably think when watching it in the modern era, which would be something along
the lines of, "That computer looks fake as shit, because it doesn't have one of those fucking
Microsoft Update alerts popping up every 5 seconds. WHY DOES THAT THING KEEP
POPPING UP? WHY? I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. FUCK YOU BILL GATES." So, what
was I talking about?
Score: 4
Plausibility: Is Dead Heat plausible? Let me say this: the plot notwithstanding, I find it
highly implausible that people with firearms would be around Joe Piscopo himself, or a
character played by him, and not use them on him with a vengeance. That was awkwardly
written, but my point is valid. Now might be a good time to point out that the "picking on Joe
Piscopo" theme of this review is probably going to get worse before it gets better. What can
I say? The man sucks, to the extreme. Anyways, perhaps I should illustrate this film's
implausibility with a different example: at one point during the proceedings, Mortis (Treat
Williams) is asking questions of a PR person, who in turn asks Mortis why he's asking
such questions, to which he replies that he can't tell her, because it's "official police
business". Not 20 seconds later, he pulls out autopsy photos that are part of an active
police investigation from his pocket and shows them to the aforementioned PR person as if
they were photos of his kids. What a load of shit.
Score: 1
Production Value: Dead Heat had a $5,000,000 budget. $5,000,000. To give you some
perspective, let me say this: you could make Reservoir Dogs, Clerks, and sex lies and
videotape for that money, with enough left over to visit Greenland. I know it's true, because I
looked it up on the Internet. The point is: what did the makers of Dead Heat do with all of
that money? I mean, the gunfire looks real enough, I guess, but so what? Regardless, I
guess it's true what they say...money is the root of all evil.
Score: 3
Special Effects: This is a difficult category to judge Dead Heat against. On the one hand,
during the shootout that takes place during the film's opening sequence, a robber is shot,
and the "blood" on his shirt looks like grape soda. Seriously--it looks as if a can of Fanta
were poured down his chest. On the other hand, during the same sequence, there is a
pretty cool grenade effect. Then again, later, the audience is forced to view a talking,
decomposing head that is even more ridiculous looking than it sounds. But, later, when the
talking, decomposing head is done decomposing and/or talking, the character of Ernest
McNab explodes, and it's pretty fucking sweet. How can we settle this? Maybe by making
note of the fact that for all of its flaws, Dead Heat features a textbook "80s blow up shot", in
which we see the same object explode, repeatedly, from multiple angles. AWESOME! I feel
the same way about the "80s blow up shot" as I do about Max Headroom: both are more
than welcome in our current decade, as long as they don't bring Ronald Reagan with them.
Score: 3
Makeup: Shortly before Mortis is killed and brought back to life, Bigelow fights some sort of
beast-biker thing--it's fat, it wears a leather jacket, and it's really, really ugly. I don't really
know what it is, although it definitely bears a striking resemblance to Roseanne Barr, as
you can probably tell from the preceding description. The important thing is that what its
relation is to anything else in the film is beyond me. I mean, this is ostensibly a zombie
movie, and yet there are hardly any zombies in it, and more importantly this beast-biker
thing looks cooler (and kicks more ass) than all of them combined. Honestly, one of the
few zombies that we see during the film looks more like Peter Stormare than it does your
average zombie. I guess we should be careful what we ask for, though. What I mean is
this: as the film progresses, Mortis, being dead and everything, starts to decompose. This
process is visually communicated to the audience by Treat Williams sporting thicker and
thicker eyeliner, to the point that he eventually resembles Dr. Frank-N-Furter. To make
matters worse, late in the film, after being in an ambulance accident and partaking in a little
more decomposition, Treat Williams ends up looking very much like a young Richard Marx.
I'm not exaggerating--he seriously looks like Richard Marx. Yuck. I guess what I'm saying
is that Dead Heat uses too much makeup in the wrong places, and not enough in the right
ones. Wait, what? Never mind.
Score: 1
Scariness: Hands down the scariest thing in the film, aside from Joe Piscopo's "acting", is
Joe Piscopo's pseudo-mullet. I mean, it's shaped like a mullet, but it's not nearly as lengthy
or as thick as a mullet, and could easily be concealed if need be, which is decidedly not a
trait of your average, fully grown mullet. It's as if the head stylist on the film said, "I want
Piscopo to look like a redneck, but a redneck with class." Whatever. Aside from pseudo-
mullets, and Piscopo's acting, the only other thing in Dead Heat that's really scary is the
scene when Mortis and Bigelow are attacked by animal carcasses in a Chinese
restaurant. That's right--the protagonists in this film actually do battle with Chinese food.
What's scary about this? Oh nothing, except for the fact that this scene was probably,
actually "workshopped" by adults. Perhaps a mini-play will help you visualize this:
Score: 1
Goriness: Dead Heat features no gore whatsoever, unless you count the numerous "jokes"
that Piscopo spouts throughout the film. Question: what's gorier, zombies eating the flesh
of the living, or Joe Piscopo executing the worst Sulu impersonation ever captured on film?
The answer just might surprise you.
Score: 1
Final Scene: Man, I think I have to give the final scene in Dead Heat a perfect score,
because it manages to work in two utterly ridiculous lines in a span of about 20 seconds.
As the main characters are "dead", and are walking off to "die" (don't make me explain the
finer points of this here), Bigelow (Piscopo) comments that he wants to come back as "the
seat on a girl's bike". He then follows that line with this one: "Roger, I think this is the end of
a beautiful friendship." ZING! That's genius, right there. The question is this: how come a
sequel was never made for Dead Heat? Oh right, because both of the main characters die,
again, at the end of the movie (I said don't make me explain this, and I meant it). Still, with
sweet-ass dialogue like the final scene has, who cares who's acting in it? That shit sells
itself. Here's hoping that someday, somehow, Dead Heat 2: Deader Heater arrives in
theaters everywhere.
Score: 5
Comedy: Allow me to cut the cheeky sarcasm and resume being blunt: Dead Heat is a
veritable black hole of comedy, which means, I think, that not only is it not funny, but if you
tell funny jokes near it, those jokes themselves will not be funny either. This is a shame, for
a variety of reasons, the first of which being that this movie is actually billed as a comedy.
Additionally, I saw this movie a number of times as a kid, and I distinctly remember quoting,
on a regular basis throughout my childhood years, Joe Piscopo's line about how badly he
has to go to the bathroom (which is, for the record, "My teeth are floating"-get it?) This is, I
think, proof that movies and television can have a deleterious effect on children. Anyways,
the question is: how can I best convey to you what passes for humor in Dead Heat? A
good example comes when Mortis is applying lipstick to himself in order to mask the fact
that he's decomposing. In response to this, Piscopo points out, with a ridiculous lisp, that
the lipstick really brings out the color of Mortis' eyes. Awesome. Perhaps another example
will do: during the Chinese restaurant fight scene (you know, the one without the vegetable
spring rolls), Bigelow points out that it might be time for him and Mortis to "kick some
honorable ass". Then, he tells one of the characters they're up against, Mr. Thule, who
happens to be an Asian American, that he "oughta write fortune cookies." I think I speak for
all of use when I say, (a) HAHAHAHAHAHA, and (b) the only thing better than the
homophobia in Dead Heat is the racism.
Score: 1
Originality: Strike one: Dead Heat is a zombie movie that features virtually no zombies,
which seems like it would be a unique, original thing. However, those of us who have seen
City of the Living Dead know better. Strike two: early in the film, Mortis and Bigelow's
captain gives them a "you two loose cannons are on thin ice, and if you don't shape up and
do things by the book, I'll have your badges!" speech that is perhaps the most cliché ridden
and derivative thing ever composed by a member of the human race, the poetry of Jewel
notwithstanding. Strike three: the film doesn't even last 90 minutes. While this was
courteous of everyone involved (especially when you consider the fact that I've had dentist
appointments that have lasted longer, and were almost as painful), it wasn't unique, as
most execrable zombie movies that aren't worth watching bow out somewhere between the
80 and 90 minute marks.
Score: 1
Rewatchability: Let me get right to the point: Dead Heat would have to be watchable before
it could be rewatchable, you know? I mean, what possible reason could you have to view
this film twice? Aside from, of course, to catch all of the hilarious jokes that you missed the
first time around because you were laughing so hard. The answer: no reason whatsoever.
Score: 1
Datedness: As if the presence of Joe Piscopo weren't enough to make this movie scream
"1980s", at one point during the film, Mortis changes into a ridiculous outfit because his
clothes have been destroyed, and more Miami Vice-like it could not be. If I could be hacky
in a Kenny Banya kind of way for a moment (but only for a moment), let me ask: what was
the deal with clothes in the 80s? I mean, honestly. I know that every period in time has
their "what the fuck?" moments, especially with regard to fashion, but honestly--teal
shoes? That's what Mortis dons in the aforementioned scene. Teal shoes. On a man.
WHAT THE FUCK? Rather than write any more on the datedness of Dead Heat, I'll leave
you to ponder that question.
Score: 1
Soundtrack: Dead Heat's soundtrack was composed by Ernest Troost, which is a pretty
badass name, even if it suspiciously resembles a pseudonym (and believe me, I wouldn't
blame anyone attached with this film for hiding under an assumed name). Anyways, the
music in the film is fine until the closing credits, at which point an absolutely atrocious
synthy empowerment song kicks in that is not unlike that dreadful You're the Best song
from The Karate Kid (and at least that song was accompanied by kicking). Fortunately, the
song in Dead Heat was never a hit, but what's truly puzzling about this situation is the fact
that my DVD copy of the film features a promo reel of clips from the movie that is scored
with that Bob Seger Shakedown song from Beverly Hills Cop II. It's depressing when you
realize that the presence of Bob Seger would infinitely improve a movie.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: The extent of the nudity in Dead Heat: the cover of a Penthouse
magazine that a security guard is reading early in the film. Drag. Still, I suppose it could
have been worse...can you imagine a naked Piscopo unleashed on the silver screen? Just
typing that out makes me feel as if I need to take about 72 showers before I feel clean
again. Shudder.
Score: 1
Lead Actor: The famed Treat Williams as Roger Mortis. GET IT? Roger Mortis? Kind of
like rigor mortis--you know, because the character is dead and all? Genius! Seriously, the
name 'Roger Mortis' should be enough to tell you what this film is all about--cheap, cheap
jokes at the expense of the undead everywhere. Someday the Zombie Rights Coalition will
figure out how to lobby politicians instead of eating them. Until that day comes, however, I
suppose we'll be forced to deal with "jokes" like Roger Mortis. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah: Treat Williams. His acting in Dead Heat is by no means good, but it's not abysmal
either, except for one thing: he performs the WORST DEATH SCENE EVER CAPTURED ON
FILM BY ANYONE, EVER. Don't let my all caps-itude throw you off--this isn't hyperbole. In
all honesty, as Roger Mortis "dies" before being revived, Treat Williams somehow over and
under acts at the same time. Let me just say this: I was more sad in that one episode of
The Simpsons when Principal Skinner discovered that the fourth grade class's pet hamster
(Super Dude) had died over winter break than I was about watching Roger Mortis die. Call
me crazy, but that's probably not the kind of feeling, or lack thereof, that you want to instill in
your viewers if you're making a movie with a death scene.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: As I said, though, Treat Williams certainly doesn't do an
abominable acting job, but he's not great either; perhaps one of the things working against
him is the fact that he has to act alongside Joe Piscopo, who fills the role of Doug Bigelow.
Remember earlier when I said that Treat acted his way through the worst death scene
ever? This tour de force was matched only by Piscopo's reaction to said death scene. As I
don't have enough facility with adjectives to adequately describe Piscopo's acting in this
scene, let me just say that it made me more nauseous than that time that I tried to drink an
entire pony keg by myself. Good times? Hardly.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Ironically, the overall cast of Dead Heat is quite good. I mean, what's not to
like: Lindsay Frost and Clare Kirkconnell are both sound in their supporting roles, the great
Darren McGavin is featured prominently throughout the film, and of course, even though he
only makes a few brief appearances, Vincent Price is in the film and he's, well, Vincent
Price. Furthermore, the cast is rounded out by Martha Quinn (yes, that Martha Quinn) and
Professor Toru Tanaka, who, in addition to having one of the greatest names ever, was
also a former WWF Tag Team Champion alongside Mr. Fuji (seriously). Essentially, the
supporting cast is like the 1994 Chicago Bulls--they're pretty good on their own, but they
need a superstar like Michael Jordan to really be effective. My unwieldy sports analogy
aisde, all I'm saying is that Treat Williams is no Michael Jordan, and Joe Piscopo is certainly
no Scottie Pippen.
Score: 5
Token Scientist: Dead Heat has an abundant supply of scientists on hand, from Clare
Kirkconnell as Rebecca Smythers, aka the "good scientist", to Darren McGavin as Dr.
Ernest McNab and Vincent Price as Arthur P. Loudermilk, aka the "bad scientists". The only
thing that I hate worse than seeing scientists fight is not seeing scientists at all, which
means that I have to give this category a rather high score. Yes.
Score: 4
Token Fat Guy: The role of the token fat guy is ably filled (pun intended) by the
aforementioned Professor Toru Tanaka. In addition to having been a WWF champion,
Tanaka was also a sergeant in the United States military, AND he once fought Chuck Norris
on-screen. Wow. I only wish that Toru Tanaka were still alive, so that I could write him in on
the next presidential ballot. Are you trying to tell me that someone with that skill-set couldn't
get us out of Iraq?
Score: 5
Best Line: The best line in Dead Heat is uttered by Treat Williams' Roger Mortis, when he
says, "Lady, I'm fucking dead." Why do I think that this is the best line in the film? Because
it gives zombies everywhere something to aspire to--seriously, they should all be so self
aware. Then again, if they were self aware, they probably wouldn't be zombies. WEIRD. As
usual, I have no idea what I'm even talking about at this point.
Score: 3
Intangibles: Quantum mechanics postulates that it is possible that the world is irreducibly
random. Why am I mentioning this here? Because accepting a random (and inherently
meaningless) universe is the only way that I can maintain my sanity and account for the fact
that someone, at some point, uttered these words: "I'm thinking that if we team up Joe
Piscopo with Treat Williams, we'll have an unstoppable box office juggernaut." I mean, I
don't want to attach too much significance to a zombie movie, but Dead Heat really does
make you question the fundamental nature of the universe. And not in a good way.
Score: 1
Zombie Believability: Time for a quiz: If you were killed and brought back to life, and were
subsequently armed with the knowledge that you only had 10 to 12 hours before you died
again, what would you do?
(A) Attempt to solve a really boring crime.
(B) Hang out with Joe Piscopo.
(C) Go to the library.
(D) Fight other zombies.
(E) None of the above.
If you answered (E), congratulate yourself, because you clearly have enough brains to not
engage in any activities that might bear any resemblance to this film whatsoever. If you
chose any of the other answers, please kill yourself now, and if you happen to be re-
animated, please kill yourself again. Thank you.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: As near as I could tell, there was only one actual zombie attack
scene in Dead Heat, and it prominently featured submachine guns. There are very few
things that I know to be true in this world, and they are:
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: As Dead Heat doesn't really feature any zombies, it can't really
feature any zombie orgy scenes, you know? Yes, you do.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: You can probably predict by now what my comments will be for this
category, but in the interest of thoroughness, I'll make them nonetheless: the only real anti-
zombie weaponry on display in Dead Heat is atrocious acting, copiously utilized by misters
Piscopo and William. There, I said it. I feel better now.
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: Some company is using some chemical to bring back the dead
to rob banks and/or to convince rich people to give them money so that they can live forever.
Whatever.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": This is a hard category to score, what with the overall lack of
zombies in Dead Heat. Still, even with this in mind, the film has to be awarded a few points
here, because it does treat us to zombies that seem to be suffering through repeated bouts
of Roid-rage. I would expect that sort of thing from Joe Piscopo, but not from the living dead.
Score: 3
Zombie Consistency: Another hard category to score; alas, unlike the Uniqueness area,
Dead Heat definitely loses points here, because while, as mentioned, there are few
zombies to be seen in the film, they somehow manage to behave completely differently
from one another. For example, some of the zombies seem to be almost indestructible,
and are more or less impervious to bullets, while others can be destroyed quite easily by a
variety of means, including electrocution, stabbing, or the good old fashioned method of
being exploded. Let me ask one more time: what the fuck?
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: I guess the signature zombie in Dead Heat is Mortis, seeing as how
he's the only zombie with any sort of screen time to speak of. The main protagonist of a
zombie movie also serving as the zombie movie's signature zombie? That's just lame.
Score: 1
Total Points: 61
Verdict: Dead Heat...what a sad, sad state of affairs. The truly disappointing thing to me
about this movie is that it actually had the makings of a decent zombie flick--reasonably
interesting zombification idea, a robust budget, a talented supporting cast that included one
half of the former WWF tag-team champions--I could go on and on. I guess ultimately, it all
boils down to one thing: the Piscopo factor. In hindsight, it's clear that the 80s would have
been a lot better off if everyone had just said 'No'...to Piscopo.
Next Time: Hell of the Living Dead
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Buddy Picture
Also Known as: One of the best movies Joe Piscopo made (sadly).
Part of a series?: No
The Scoring
Plot: Treat Williams is a police officer who is killed and then revived as a zombie by his
partner, Joe Piscopo, whose career was killed by this film and not revived. Thankfully.
Anyways, the two then try to stop a group of people who are robbing banks. These people
have also been killed and revived. Make sense? Now might be a good time to mention that
the "writer" of this "film", Terry Black, is a member of Mensa. Kind of makes that
organization seem a little less prestigious, doesn't it?
Score: 2
Exposition: Mercifully, there's a distinct lack of exposition in Dead Heat. This might be
because the plot is, like Joe Piscopo's acting ability, amazingly sparse. As a matter of fact,
the only real exposition comes during the re-animation of Roger Mortis (Treat Williams),
during which Doug Bigelow (Joe Piscopo) and Rebecca Smythers (Clare Kirkconnell)
explain how a machine is able to re-animate someone, as it's actually re-animating
someone! Crazy! What's even crazier about this scene is the fact that Bigelow and
Smythers have never seen or used such a computerized re-animating machine before, so
how they know how it works is beyond me. It sort of reminds me of when my Uncle Ted
spontaneously learned how to pilot a zeppelin back in '77. You know what else it reminds
me of? The fact that PCs were much cooler before we knew what they could do--or more
importantly, what they couldn't do. I mean, if you saw this movie in 1988, you'd probably
think to yourself, "Hmm, I don't know anything about computers, so I suppose it is possible
that they could be used to bring dead people back to life." This as opposed to what you
would probably think when watching it in the modern era, which would be something along
the lines of, "That computer looks fake as shit, because it doesn't have one of those fucking
Microsoft Update alerts popping up every 5 seconds. WHY DOES THAT THING KEEP
POPPING UP? WHY? I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. FUCK YOU BILL GATES." So, what
was I talking about?
Score: 4
Plausibility: Is Dead Heat plausible? Let me say this: the plot notwithstanding, I find it
highly implausible that people with firearms would be around Joe Piscopo himself, or a
character played by him, and not use them on him with a vengeance. That was awkwardly
written, but my point is valid. Now might be a good time to point out that the "picking on Joe
Piscopo" theme of this review is probably going to get worse before it gets better. What can
I say? The man sucks, to the extreme. Anyways, perhaps I should illustrate this film's
implausibility with a different example: at one point during the proceedings, Mortis (Treat
Williams) is asking questions of a PR person, who in turn asks Mortis why he's asking
such questions, to which he replies that he can't tell her, because it's "official police
business". Not 20 seconds later, he pulls out autopsy photos that are part of an active
police investigation from his pocket and shows them to the aforementioned PR person as if
they were photos of his kids. What a load of shit.
Score: 1
Production Value: Dead Heat had a $5,000,000 budget. $5,000,000. To give you some
perspective, let me say this: you could make Reservoir Dogs, Clerks, and sex lies and
videotape for that money, with enough left over to visit Greenland. I know it's true, because I
looked it up on the Internet. The point is: what did the makers of Dead Heat do with all of
that money? I mean, the gunfire looks real enough, I guess, but so what? Regardless, I
guess it's true what they say...money is the root of all evil.
Score: 3
Special Effects: This is a difficult category to judge Dead Heat against. On the one hand,
during the shootout that takes place during the film's opening sequence, a robber is shot,
and the "blood" on his shirt looks like grape soda. Seriously--it looks as if a can of Fanta
were poured down his chest. On the other hand, during the same sequence, there is a
pretty cool grenade effect. Then again, later, the audience is forced to view a talking,
decomposing head that is even more ridiculous looking than it sounds. But, later, when the
talking, decomposing head is done decomposing and/or talking, the character of Ernest
McNab explodes, and it's pretty fucking sweet. How can we settle this? Maybe by making
note of the fact that for all of its flaws, Dead Heat features a textbook "80s blow up shot", in
which we see the same object explode, repeatedly, from multiple angles. AWESOME! I feel
the same way about the "80s blow up shot" as I do about Max Headroom: both are more
than welcome in our current decade, as long as they don't bring Ronald Reagan with them.
Score: 3
Makeup: Shortly before Mortis is killed and brought back to life, Bigelow fights some sort of
beast-biker thing--it's fat, it wears a leather jacket, and it's really, really ugly. I don't really
know what it is, although it definitely bears a striking resemblance to Roseanne Barr, as
you can probably tell from the preceding description. The important thing is that what its
relation is to anything else in the film is beyond me. I mean, this is ostensibly a zombie
movie, and yet there are hardly any zombies in it, and more importantly this beast-biker
thing looks cooler (and kicks more ass) than all of them combined. Honestly, one of the
few zombies that we see during the film looks more like Peter Stormare than it does your
average zombie. I guess we should be careful what we ask for, though. What I mean is
this: as the film progresses, Mortis, being dead and everything, starts to decompose. This
process is visually communicated to the audience by Treat Williams sporting thicker and
thicker eyeliner, to the point that he eventually resembles Dr. Frank-N-Furter. To make
matters worse, late in the film, after being in an ambulance accident and partaking in a little
more decomposition, Treat Williams ends up looking very much like a young Richard Marx.
I'm not exaggerating--he seriously looks like Richard Marx. Yuck. I guess what I'm saying
is that Dead Heat uses too much makeup in the wrong places, and not enough in the right
ones. Wait, what? Never mind.
Score: 1
Scariness: Hands down the scariest thing in the film, aside from Joe Piscopo's "acting", is
Joe Piscopo's pseudo-mullet. I mean, it's shaped like a mullet, but it's not nearly as lengthy
or as thick as a mullet, and could easily be concealed if need be, which is decidedly not a
trait of your average, fully grown mullet. It's as if the head stylist on the film said, "I want
Piscopo to look like a redneck, but a redneck with class." Whatever. Aside from pseudo-
mullets, and Piscopo's acting, the only other thing in Dead Heat that's really scary is the
scene when Mortis and Bigelow are attacked by animal carcasses in a Chinese
restaurant. That's right--the protagonists in this film actually do battle with Chinese food.
What's scary about this? Oh nothing, except for the fact that this scene was probably,
actually "workshopped" by adults. Perhaps a mini-play will help you visualize this:
- David Helpern, Producer: "Why don't we have Williams and Piscopo engage in hand-
to-hand combat with some vegetable spring rolls in this scene? That would be
HILARIOUS."
Mark Goldblatt, Director: "No no no! That would be WAY too hard to film. How about
we just have them hack at a severed duck head that's quacking at them?"
David Helpern, Producer: "Sounds good. I'm going to go have my Rolls Royce
waxed."
Score: 1
Goriness: Dead Heat features no gore whatsoever, unless you count the numerous "jokes"
that Piscopo spouts throughout the film. Question: what's gorier, zombies eating the flesh
of the living, or Joe Piscopo executing the worst Sulu impersonation ever captured on film?
The answer just might surprise you.
Score: 1
Final Scene: Man, I think I have to give the final scene in Dead Heat a perfect score,
because it manages to work in two utterly ridiculous lines in a span of about 20 seconds.
As the main characters are "dead", and are walking off to "die" (don't make me explain the
finer points of this here), Bigelow (Piscopo) comments that he wants to come back as "the
seat on a girl's bike". He then follows that line with this one: "Roger, I think this is the end of
a beautiful friendship." ZING! That's genius, right there. The question is this: how come a
sequel was never made for Dead Heat? Oh right, because both of the main characters die,
again, at the end of the movie (I said don't make me explain this, and I meant it). Still, with
sweet-ass dialogue like the final scene has, who cares who's acting in it? That shit sells
itself. Here's hoping that someday, somehow, Dead Heat 2: Deader Heater arrives in
theaters everywhere.
Score: 5
Comedy: Allow me to cut the cheeky sarcasm and resume being blunt: Dead Heat is a
veritable black hole of comedy, which means, I think, that not only is it not funny, but if you
tell funny jokes near it, those jokes themselves will not be funny either. This is a shame, for
a variety of reasons, the first of which being that this movie is actually billed as a comedy.
Additionally, I saw this movie a number of times as a kid, and I distinctly remember quoting,
on a regular basis throughout my childhood years, Joe Piscopo's line about how badly he
has to go to the bathroom (which is, for the record, "My teeth are floating"-get it?) This is, I
think, proof that movies and television can have a deleterious effect on children. Anyways,
the question is: how can I best convey to you what passes for humor in Dead Heat? A
good example comes when Mortis is applying lipstick to himself in order to mask the fact
that he's decomposing. In response to this, Piscopo points out, with a ridiculous lisp, that
the lipstick really brings out the color of Mortis' eyes. Awesome. Perhaps another example
will do: during the Chinese restaurant fight scene (you know, the one without the vegetable
spring rolls), Bigelow points out that it might be time for him and Mortis to "kick some
honorable ass". Then, he tells one of the characters they're up against, Mr. Thule, who
happens to be an Asian American, that he "oughta write fortune cookies." I think I speak for
all of use when I say, (a) HAHAHAHAHAHA, and (b) the only thing better than the
homophobia in Dead Heat is the racism.
Score: 1
Originality: Strike one: Dead Heat is a zombie movie that features virtually no zombies,
which seems like it would be a unique, original thing. However, those of us who have seen
City of the Living Dead know better. Strike two: early in the film, Mortis and Bigelow's
captain gives them a "you two loose cannons are on thin ice, and if you don't shape up and
do things by the book, I'll have your badges!" speech that is perhaps the most cliché ridden
and derivative thing ever composed by a member of the human race, the poetry of Jewel
notwithstanding. Strike three: the film doesn't even last 90 minutes. While this was
courteous of everyone involved (especially when you consider the fact that I've had dentist
appointments that have lasted longer, and were almost as painful), it wasn't unique, as
most execrable zombie movies that aren't worth watching bow out somewhere between the
80 and 90 minute marks.
Score: 1
Rewatchability: Let me get right to the point: Dead Heat would have to be watchable before
it could be rewatchable, you know? I mean, what possible reason could you have to view
this film twice? Aside from, of course, to catch all of the hilarious jokes that you missed the
first time around because you were laughing so hard. The answer: no reason whatsoever.
Score: 1
Datedness: As if the presence of Joe Piscopo weren't enough to make this movie scream
"1980s", at one point during the film, Mortis changes into a ridiculous outfit because his
clothes have been destroyed, and more Miami Vice-like it could not be. If I could be hacky
in a Kenny Banya kind of way for a moment (but only for a moment), let me ask: what was
the deal with clothes in the 80s? I mean, honestly. I know that every period in time has
their "what the fuck?" moments, especially with regard to fashion, but honestly--teal
shoes? That's what Mortis dons in the aforementioned scene. Teal shoes. On a man.
WHAT THE FUCK? Rather than write any more on the datedness of Dead Heat, I'll leave
you to ponder that question.
Score: 1
Soundtrack: Dead Heat's soundtrack was composed by Ernest Troost, which is a pretty
badass name, even if it suspiciously resembles a pseudonym (and believe me, I wouldn't
blame anyone attached with this film for hiding under an assumed name). Anyways, the
music in the film is fine until the closing credits, at which point an absolutely atrocious
synthy empowerment song kicks in that is not unlike that dreadful You're the Best song
from The Karate Kid (and at least that song was accompanied by kicking). Fortunately, the
song in Dead Heat was never a hit, but what's truly puzzling about this situation is the fact
that my DVD copy of the film features a promo reel of clips from the movie that is scored
with that Bob Seger Shakedown song from Beverly Hills Cop II. It's depressing when you
realize that the presence of Bob Seger would infinitely improve a movie.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: The extent of the nudity in Dead Heat: the cover of a Penthouse
magazine that a security guard is reading early in the film. Drag. Still, I suppose it could
have been worse...can you imagine a naked Piscopo unleashed on the silver screen? Just
typing that out makes me feel as if I need to take about 72 showers before I feel clean
again. Shudder.
Score: 1
Lead Actor: The famed Treat Williams as Roger Mortis. GET IT? Roger Mortis? Kind of
like rigor mortis--you know, because the character is dead and all? Genius! Seriously, the
name 'Roger Mortis' should be enough to tell you what this film is all about--cheap, cheap
jokes at the expense of the undead everywhere. Someday the Zombie Rights Coalition will
figure out how to lobby politicians instead of eating them. Until that day comes, however, I
suppose we'll be forced to deal with "jokes" like Roger Mortis. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah: Treat Williams. His acting in Dead Heat is by no means good, but it's not abysmal
either, except for one thing: he performs the WORST DEATH SCENE EVER CAPTURED ON
FILM BY ANYONE, EVER. Don't let my all caps-itude throw you off--this isn't hyperbole. In
all honesty, as Roger Mortis "dies" before being revived, Treat Williams somehow over and
under acts at the same time. Let me just say this: I was more sad in that one episode of
The Simpsons when Principal Skinner discovered that the fourth grade class's pet hamster
(Super Dude) had died over winter break than I was about watching Roger Mortis die. Call
me crazy, but that's probably not the kind of feeling, or lack thereof, that you want to instill in
your viewers if you're making a movie with a death scene.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: As I said, though, Treat Williams certainly doesn't do an
abominable acting job, but he's not great either; perhaps one of the things working against
him is the fact that he has to act alongside Joe Piscopo, who fills the role of Doug Bigelow.
Remember earlier when I said that Treat acted his way through the worst death scene
ever? This tour de force was matched only by Piscopo's reaction to said death scene. As I
don't have enough facility with adjectives to adequately describe Piscopo's acting in this
scene, let me just say that it made me more nauseous than that time that I tried to drink an
entire pony keg by myself. Good times? Hardly.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Ironically, the overall cast of Dead Heat is quite good. I mean, what's not to
like: Lindsay Frost and Clare Kirkconnell are both sound in their supporting roles, the great
Darren McGavin is featured prominently throughout the film, and of course, even though he
only makes a few brief appearances, Vincent Price is in the film and he's, well, Vincent
Price. Furthermore, the cast is rounded out by Martha Quinn (yes, that Martha Quinn) and
Professor Toru Tanaka, who, in addition to having one of the greatest names ever, was
also a former WWF Tag Team Champion alongside Mr. Fuji (seriously). Essentially, the
supporting cast is like the 1994 Chicago Bulls--they're pretty good on their own, but they
need a superstar like Michael Jordan to really be effective. My unwieldy sports analogy
aisde, all I'm saying is that Treat Williams is no Michael Jordan, and Joe Piscopo is certainly
no Scottie Pippen.
Score: 5
Token Scientist: Dead Heat has an abundant supply of scientists on hand, from Clare
Kirkconnell as Rebecca Smythers, aka the "good scientist", to Darren McGavin as Dr.
Ernest McNab and Vincent Price as Arthur P. Loudermilk, aka the "bad scientists". The only
thing that I hate worse than seeing scientists fight is not seeing scientists at all, which
means that I have to give this category a rather high score. Yes.
Score: 4
Token Fat Guy: The role of the token fat guy is ably filled (pun intended) by the
aforementioned Professor Toru Tanaka. In addition to having been a WWF champion,
Tanaka was also a sergeant in the United States military, AND he once fought Chuck Norris
on-screen. Wow. I only wish that Toru Tanaka were still alive, so that I could write him in on
the next presidential ballot. Are you trying to tell me that someone with that skill-set couldn't
get us out of Iraq?
Score: 5
Best Line: The best line in Dead Heat is uttered by Treat Williams' Roger Mortis, when he
says, "Lady, I'm fucking dead." Why do I think that this is the best line in the film? Because
it gives zombies everywhere something to aspire to--seriously, they should all be so self
aware. Then again, if they were self aware, they probably wouldn't be zombies. WEIRD. As
usual, I have no idea what I'm even talking about at this point.
Score: 3
Intangibles: Quantum mechanics postulates that it is possible that the world is irreducibly
random. Why am I mentioning this here? Because accepting a random (and inherently
meaningless) universe is the only way that I can maintain my sanity and account for the fact
that someone, at some point, uttered these words: "I'm thinking that if we team up Joe
Piscopo with Treat Williams, we'll have an unstoppable box office juggernaut." I mean, I
don't want to attach too much significance to a zombie movie, but Dead Heat really does
make you question the fundamental nature of the universe. And not in a good way.
Score: 1
Zombie Believability: Time for a quiz: If you were killed and brought back to life, and were
subsequently armed with the knowledge that you only had 10 to 12 hours before you died
again, what would you do?
(A) Attempt to solve a really boring crime.
(B) Hang out with Joe Piscopo.
(C) Go to the library.
(D) Fight other zombies.
(E) None of the above.
If you answered (E), congratulate yourself, because you clearly have enough brains to not
engage in any activities that might bear any resemblance to this film whatsoever. If you
chose any of the other answers, please kill yourself now, and if you happen to be re-
animated, please kill yourself again. Thank you.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: As near as I could tell, there was only one actual zombie attack
scene in Dead Heat, and it prominently featured submachine guns. There are very few
things that I know to be true in this world, and they are:
- Steely Dan is really overrated.
- You can pop a lot of trouble on the Popamatic bubble.
- Zombies DO NOT use guns, dammit.
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: As Dead Heat doesn't really feature any zombies, it can't really
feature any zombie orgy scenes, you know? Yes, you do.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: You can probably predict by now what my comments will be for this
category, but in the interest of thoroughness, I'll make them nonetheless: the only real anti-
zombie weaponry on display in Dead Heat is atrocious acting, copiously utilized by misters
Piscopo and William. There, I said it. I feel better now.
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: Some company is using some chemical to bring back the dead
to rob banks and/or to convince rich people to give them money so that they can live forever.
Whatever.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": This is a hard category to score, what with the overall lack of
zombies in Dead Heat. Still, even with this in mind, the film has to be awarded a few points
here, because it does treat us to zombies that seem to be suffering through repeated bouts
of Roid-rage. I would expect that sort of thing from Joe Piscopo, but not from the living dead.
Score: 3
Zombie Consistency: Another hard category to score; alas, unlike the Uniqueness area,
Dead Heat definitely loses points here, because while, as mentioned, there are few
zombies to be seen in the film, they somehow manage to behave completely differently
from one another. For example, some of the zombies seem to be almost indestructible,
and are more or less impervious to bullets, while others can be destroyed quite easily by a
variety of means, including electrocution, stabbing, or the good old fashioned method of
being exploded. Let me ask one more time: what the fuck?
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: I guess the signature zombie in Dead Heat is Mortis, seeing as how
he's the only zombie with any sort of screen time to speak of. The main protagonist of a
zombie movie also serving as the zombie movie's signature zombie? That's just lame.
Score: 1
Total Points: 61
Verdict: Dead Heat...what a sad, sad state of affairs. The truly disappointing thing to me
about this movie is that it actually had the makings of a decent zombie flick--reasonably
interesting zombification idea, a robust budget, a talented supporting cast that included one
half of the former WWF tag-team champions--I could go on and on. I guess ultimately, it all
boils down to one thing: the Piscopo factor. In hindsight, it's clear that the 80s would have
been a lot better off if everyone had just said 'No'...to Piscopo.
Next Time: Hell of the Living Dead
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