The ZombieTastic Review of:
Hell of the Living Dead
Hell of the Living Dead
Director: Bruno Mattei
Year of Release: 1980
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: Anthropological Stock Footage Gas-Fest
Also Known as: Virus, Night of the Zombies, Zombie Creeping
Flesh, and a ton of other titles that I'm not going to waste my time
listing.
Part of a series?: No
The Scoring
Plot: To be honest with you, I'm not really sure that Hell of the Living Dead actually has a
plot. I think what happens in this film is that some scientists create a gas that, in addition to
being green, selectively causes the dead to rise and eat the living, many of whom (at least
in this film) would seem to deserve such a fate.
Score: 2
Exposition: It's bad enough that Hell of the Living Dead features multiple exposition
scenes; what's even worse is that one of these is perhaps the most obnoxious piece of plot
exposition ever captured on film. Allow me to explain. As the film begins, a gas leak at a
lab starts to zombify anyone and everyone in its path. Suddenly, the movie shifts to a
building which is surrounded by police with long hair (which is always a disturbing image);
apparently, inside said building some terrorists (who also have long hair, although that's
not very disturbing, as it's to be expected--we all know that most terrorists are also hippies)
have taken some hostages. Why this is so, and what this has to do with anything else that
happens in Hell of the Living Dead, we never find out. Anyways, suddenly some Special
Forces guys show up and kill all of the terrorists. The next thing you know, these Special
Forces guys are sitting in a jeep, and one of them recounts how they got there by saying
something to the effect of "well, here we are in this jeep, after having done x, y and z" (except
of course he doesn't say those letters, he says what they actually did, but I'm too
disinterested to transcribe his speech verbatim...regardless, I think you see what I'm saying
here). He then goes on to recap the personality traits of each member of the team. Doing
this was easier, I think, than actually showing us how the Special Forces guys got to the
island where the zombie gas leak had occurred and/or than giving them their own
personalities and having the audience learn about them through their actions and
dialogue. It was also ridiculously fucking lazy. I mean, I thought that my welfare-abusing
cousin Kevin was lazy, but he at least is enterprising enough to sell drugs out of his
basement. If Hell of the Living Dead is lazier than Kevin, than we're all in serious trouble.
Still, as if I needed to bring this exposition point home any further, there's also the fact that
at the end of the film, the character of Lia suddenly "gets" everything that's happened in the
movie (a luxury that isn't afforded to the audience), and explains/recaps the film with a
monologue so overwrought and pretentious, Harold Pinter himself wouldn't touch it with a
ten-foot pole. Whatever that means.
Score: 1
Plausibility: While I could see there being a gas that would turn corpses into flesh-hungry
killing machines (I really could see this), Hell of the Living Dead squanders this plausibility
with a number of forehead-smacking "what the fuck?" moments. I know that we're all busy,
busy people, so in the interest of efficiency, I'll just mention a couple of these:
Production Value: I've painted a rather grim picture of Hell of the Living Dead thus far, but
unfortunately, I haven't even gotten to the worst part about it: its production value. First of all,
there are a plethora of minor prop and costume complaints that could be made about this
film. From the superfluous, Spaceballs-esque buttons in the gas-lab's the control room, to
the ridiculous looking hard hats that the technicians are wearing, to the unbelievably fake
looking guns that the Special Forces dudes wield, everything in this movie practically
screams "amateur hour". Still, it takes more than cheap-looking props to ruin a movie, and
that's where Hell of the Living Dead truly excels at suckitude. How? By featuring an
absolutely UNBELIEVABLE amount of stock footage. Realize that I am not exaggerating
when I say this--I'm no statistician, but I would bet that 20% of this film, easily, consists of
footage from an unrelated film. This starts out innocently enough, with some obviously
imported footage of animals. Such animal footage continues throughout the film, until
we're treated to more random shots of birds, elephants, butterflies, various unidentifiable
jumping rodents, bats, and hyenas than even Jack Hannah would be comfortable
watching. Whatever--I could tolerate all of that if that were the only stock footage used. No,
the wheels really come off Hell of the Living Dead (not literally--the film is more like a
hovercraft than it is a wheeled vehicle) when entire fucking sequences are written around
the stock footage. So, the makers of Hell of the Living Dead are even lazier than I thought
they were. They couldn't even shoot their own footage of the Guinea tribesman, they had to
steal it from some other movie? Give me a fucking break. The worst part is that they didn't
even bother to clean the stock footage up and make it match the "original" footage that they
shot; no, one moment you'll be watching a Special Forces dude doing something, and the
next, you'll be watching random footage of a Zulu warrior (or something) that's grainier than
the Zapruder film. What's even worse is that on the DVDs extras section, Bruno Mattei
actually states that the pre-existing footage was seamlessly integrated with his own. That
guy gets to make movies for a living, and the rest of us are stuck earning minimum wage?
RAGE. All of this, and I haven't even mentioned yet the blue outfits that the Special Forces
dudes wear. I don't even have the energy to do so at this point, so let me just say that
they're silly looking jumpsuits that make them look simultaneously like Pan Am employees
and janitors. Is that the look you want your crack squad of government assassins to be
sporting? I don't think so.
Score: 1
Special Effects: Alright, a lot of the effects in Hell of the Living Dead are lame, but
compared to the overall incompetence of the film, I suppose they're not too bad. It does, for
example, feature an unbelievable amount of heads getting messed up in a variety of ways; I
think most of the people and zombies that die in this film do so when their heads get shot,
smashed, pulled apart from the inside, or squeezed until their brains ooze out. Seriously, I
haven't seen this many head shots since I attended that young models convention back in
'99. I have no idea what that means, but I think my point is valid.
Score: 3
Makeup: The makeup in Hell of the Living Dead is hard to get a handle on, I think because
it's so inconsistent. Let me explain: the quality of the makeup jobs themselves is rather
high, it's just that it's baffling sometimes trying to figure out what the makeup represents. If
you watch this film and see a person painted green, s/he is a zombie. If you watch this film
and see a person painted blue, s/he is also a zombie. If you see a person with a lot of
brown pancake makeup on, s/he is a terrorist. If you see someone painted white, s/he is a
native of Guinea, unless s/he is an old white person, in which case that person is actually a
zombie. Additionally, if you see someone with flesh hanging off of his/her face, that person
is either a zombie, or s/he is a regular person in the process of being eaten by zombies.
Everybody got that? Good.
Score: 3
Scariness: Honestly, the only thing scary about Hell of the Living Dead is the
aforementioned fact that approximately 20% of it is composed of recycled footage. Actually,
that's not really scary--what's scary is that someone, anyone, thought that they could edit
such footage into a film willy nilly and have said film remain coherent. What a world.
Score: 1
Goriness: At least there's tons of gore in Hell of the Living Dead to keep it almost
interesting. I mean, the film features multiple shoulders being munched on like they were
ribs (not ribs in your body, but delicious babyback ribs like you can get at Chili's), zombies
feasting from the chests of the living, fingers being bitten off, the aforementioned head stuff,
tons of gunshots, throats being slashed, and last but certainly not least, a kid who eats his
dad and is then shot multiple times. It's a veritable smorgasbord of gore. It's a
gorgasbord, is what it is. Or would that be a smorgasgore? I'm not a linguist, you tell me.
Score: 4
Final Scene: A young man and his lady, after hearing a report on television about how the
dead are rising and dismissing it as a bunch of BS, proceed to start making out in a park.
Suddenly, the girl decides that she wants a cigarette. As she asks a man on a nearby
bench for a light, she discovers that he's missing half of his face. Then, she and her beaux
are eaten by a horde of zombies. I think this is supposed to symbolize the global spread of
the zombie plague, but as most of this movie is incoherently incoherent, I could be wrong
about this. One might also conclude that this scene is a subtle message against smoking
and you might be right; just keep in mind that this movie isn't anti-tobacco, just anti-
cigarette. More on this later.
Score: 2
Comedy: The comedy in Hell of the Living Dead is off the charts, although it's safe to say
that NONE of it was intentional. Let's break this down by sections:
First of all, there's the crack Special Forces team that couldn't kick its own ass. For
example: at one point, the Special Forces guys decide that they should go into a village that
they've been warned to stay out of because "the drumbeats have changed". I have no
military training whatsoever, but I'm pretty sure that that's the least valid reason for
potentially engaging in combat that I've ever heard (the War in Iraq notwithstanding). I must
say that the aforementioned scene had me hoping that these army guys never have to
stage a stakeout near a Rush concert--dozens of people might be inadvertently killed.
Rhythmic confusion aside, perhaps the biggest problem with these yahoos are the facts
that they seem unable or unwilling to shoot with any accuracy whatsoever. Seriously--after
being told repeatedly that the zombies can only be neutralized by a bullet to the head, these
guys continue to waste round after round after round by shooting them in their torsos. So in
that sense, the antics of the Special Forces guys are a lot like Gallagher--they're funny at
first, but after a while, they're just tedious.
Next, there's the conceit that Lia, as an anthropologist, can only relate to the locals and be
accepted by them by wandering around naked (not that I'm complaining). What I mean is
that whenever she has to "talk" to the Guinea natives, she first takes her shirt off and paints
her face. That kind of behavior is fine if you're at a Kiss show, but not so much if you're an
anthropologist. Look, I took a couple of anthro classes in college, and I don't remember
THAT sort of thing ever happening. Unfortunately.
Those things aside, perhaps the funniest thing in Hell of the Living Dead is the truly weird
chewing tobacco product placement that occurs randomly about halfway through the film.
Don't believe me? Then prepare to have your mind blown. After fighting some zombies, Lia
the anthropologist lights up a cigarette. One of the Special Forces dudes asks her to put it
out, because it's too visible (to whom? Ninjas? I have no idea). Anyways, this
conversation, verbatim, then takes place:
Special Forces Tool: "Here, try some..."
Lia: "What is it?"
Special Forces Tool: "Chewing tobacco. It's very good once you get into the habit of
chewing it."
At this point, Lia opens the package, puts tobacco into her mouth, chews it, then goes
"Mmmmm" as her facial expression brightens considerably. Now, the specific brand of
tobacco being chewed is not visible during this scene, so the whole thing is like one of
those "Beef, it's what's for dinner" ads that you used to see on TV during commercial
breaks in the days before Tivo. Then again, maybe the point was that Hell of the Living
Dead wasn't so much pro-chewing tobacco as it was anti-cigarette? I have no idea.
Anyways, lastly, there's the "emergency" UN session that's held in the latter half of the
movie that's so momentous, only 5 people bother to attend. Ridiculous. Wait, that's how
the real UN actually works? Never mind, then.
Score: 4
Originality: Is Hell of the Living Dead original? That's a good question. I can honestly,
without reservation, say that of all of the Italian zombie movies that I've seen, Hell of the
Living Dead is one of them. That being said, at least the film features an highly ironical
climax during which Lia, our supposed heroine, is killed and eaten by the very people who
have been protecting and preventing her from being killed and eaten throughout most of the
film. Isn't that crazy? Yes. Yes it is.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: This category is a tough call--on the one hand, as you can probably gather,
this movie SUCKS ASS. On the other hand, the zombie-centric parts are enjoyable.
Hmmm. I guess what I'm saying is that watching Hell of the Living Dead is a lot like
sleeping with Anna Nicole Smith: a disturbing experience to be sure, but not without its
memorable moments.
Score: 2
Datedness: Every time I see photos or film footage of people from the 70s and early 80s,
I'm amazed at the latitude that people had with their hair in those days. For some reason,
no one, no matter how conservative they were, had a problem with fellas having long hair
during that time frame. Have you ever seen pictures of Ben Stein from that era? He had
shaggier hair than Shaggy himself, and he was a speechwriter for Richard Freaking Nixon.
My point is, if for no other reason, Hell of the Living Dead dates itself seriously by allowing
virtually all of its male characters to have longish, unkempt hair, regardless of the
seriousness of their positions; i.e., everyone from the highly advanced military commandos
to the also highly advanced green gas scientists to the not-so-highly advanced native
tribesmen have long hair. What a weird time it must have been to have hair, that's all I'm
really trying to say here.
Score: 1
Soundtrack: Musically, Hell of the Living Dead starts out promisingly enough, as the credits
are accompanied by a very funky, upbeat song that I actually described in my notes as
being "FUNKY FUCKIN' STUFF" (for the record, I've never said that I'm not a huge dork.)
Alas, after the credits, the rest of the film is filled with the synth-heavy music that is, for
some reason, endemic to zombie movies. Here's a theory: this type of synthy music being
used in tons of zombie movies as a subtle way of underscoring the growing menace of
zombies themselves. Wait, what the hell does that mean? I have no idea. Look, I didn't
say it was a good theory, only that it was a theory.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: Thanks to Lia, the previously discussed naked anthropologist,
there's a fair amount of nudity on display in Hell of the Living Dead. While overall that's a
good thing, I must say that I think Bruno Mattei went a little far in showcasing her
nakedness during the film. What I mean is this: it's one thing to have a woman in a film
take off her shirt; it's another thing to zoom in on her breasts and linger there for several
seconds after she does so. Still, I'll take nakedness over non-nakedness any day.
Score: 4
Lead Actor: This category gets the lowest score possible. Why? I'll tell you: because I can't
really figure out whom the lead actor in Hell of the Living Dead is supposed to be. Is it the
leader of the Special Forces team? Is it another member of said team? Is it Lia's
mustache-sporting journalist friend? Is it one of the tribal dudes? I wish I knew.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: The lead actor confusion encountered in the previous category
directly impacts this category as well. Have can you have a sidekick or love interest if you
don't even know who that person would be sidekicking to or having their love interested in in
the first place? It reminds me of a question that my high school biology teacher used to
ask: which came first, the lead actor or his love interest, and could that order not have been
reversed upon further review? My high school biology teacher was a weird guy, that's all I
know.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: The main weakness of the overall cast is that they're all terrible actors. The
main strength of the overall cast is that many of them bear striking resemblances to other,
more famous and talented actors. From the police officer who looks like a cross between
Sean Connery and Martin Landau, to the terrorist who looks like Julian Casablancas, to the
journalist dude who looks like Yanni, to the Special Forces dude that looks like Lee Majors...
all of them do their best to say, "Hey, I know this movie sucks, so I'm going to try hard to
remind you of other pieces of entertainment that were much more compelling than this shit-
fest." And for that, I salute them.
Score: 4
Year of Release: 1980
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: Anthropological Stock Footage Gas-Fest
Also Known as: Virus, Night of the Zombies, Zombie Creeping
Flesh, and a ton of other titles that I'm not going to waste my time
listing.
Part of a series?: No
The Scoring
Plot: To be honest with you, I'm not really sure that Hell of the Living Dead actually has a
plot. I think what happens in this film is that some scientists create a gas that, in addition to
being green, selectively causes the dead to rise and eat the living, many of whom (at least
in this film) would seem to deserve such a fate.
Score: 2
Exposition: It's bad enough that Hell of the Living Dead features multiple exposition
scenes; what's even worse is that one of these is perhaps the most obnoxious piece of plot
exposition ever captured on film. Allow me to explain. As the film begins, a gas leak at a
lab starts to zombify anyone and everyone in its path. Suddenly, the movie shifts to a
building which is surrounded by police with long hair (which is always a disturbing image);
apparently, inside said building some terrorists (who also have long hair, although that's
not very disturbing, as it's to be expected--we all know that most terrorists are also hippies)
have taken some hostages. Why this is so, and what this has to do with anything else that
happens in Hell of the Living Dead, we never find out. Anyways, suddenly some Special
Forces guys show up and kill all of the terrorists. The next thing you know, these Special
Forces guys are sitting in a jeep, and one of them recounts how they got there by saying
something to the effect of "well, here we are in this jeep, after having done x, y and z" (except
of course he doesn't say those letters, he says what they actually did, but I'm too
disinterested to transcribe his speech verbatim...regardless, I think you see what I'm saying
here). He then goes on to recap the personality traits of each member of the team. Doing
this was easier, I think, than actually showing us how the Special Forces guys got to the
island where the zombie gas leak had occurred and/or than giving them their own
personalities and having the audience learn about them through their actions and
dialogue. It was also ridiculously fucking lazy. I mean, I thought that my welfare-abusing
cousin Kevin was lazy, but he at least is enterprising enough to sell drugs out of his
basement. If Hell of the Living Dead is lazier than Kevin, than we're all in serious trouble.
Still, as if I needed to bring this exposition point home any further, there's also the fact that
at the end of the film, the character of Lia suddenly "gets" everything that's happened in the
movie (a luxury that isn't afforded to the audience), and explains/recaps the film with a
monologue so overwrought and pretentious, Harold Pinter himself wouldn't touch it with a
ten-foot pole. Whatever that means.
Score: 1
Plausibility: While I could see there being a gas that would turn corpses into flesh-hungry
killing machines (I really could see this), Hell of the Living Dead squanders this plausibility
with a number of forehead-smacking "what the fuck?" moments. I know that we're all busy,
busy people, so in the interest of efficiency, I'll just mention a couple of these:
- The name of the gas-producing project is "Operation Sweet Death", which is utterly
absurd. We all know that there are only three things in this world that can truly be
described as sweet: Sweet Tarts, Shirley Temple, and Sweet and Low. In case you
didn't notice, death is nowhere on or near that last. - The characters in the film eventually, somehow, inexplicably determine that
Operation Sweet Death was initiated on purpose as a means of population control.
I would assume that this would mean that the scientists working on the project
knew what the actual intention of the project was, but that doesn't stop one of them
from saying "Pardon us for this evil we have created" as the gas is accidentally
released. Personally, I think that that makes about as much sense as the guy at
Jiffy Lube saying "Pardon me for opening the hood of this car" as he changes my
oil. If you're going to unleash upon the world a gas that creates zombies, don't be a
pussy about it, that's what I say. Furthermore, as the zombifying gas is released, we
see through a wide shot that it's being funneled directly to New Guinea via a series
of pipes. Why would they run from the plant run straight to the island unless the
scientists wanted an easy way of administering it to people? Why else did they think
that those pipes were there? These scientists are supposedly remorseful about
unleashing their magic green gas, and yet none of them thought to question the
placement of the pipes? Whatever.
Production Value: I've painted a rather grim picture of Hell of the Living Dead thus far, but
unfortunately, I haven't even gotten to the worst part about it: its production value. First of all,
there are a plethora of minor prop and costume complaints that could be made about this
film. From the superfluous, Spaceballs-esque buttons in the gas-lab's the control room, to
the ridiculous looking hard hats that the technicians are wearing, to the unbelievably fake
looking guns that the Special Forces dudes wield, everything in this movie practically
screams "amateur hour". Still, it takes more than cheap-looking props to ruin a movie, and
that's where Hell of the Living Dead truly excels at suckitude. How? By featuring an
absolutely UNBELIEVABLE amount of stock footage. Realize that I am not exaggerating
when I say this--I'm no statistician, but I would bet that 20% of this film, easily, consists of
footage from an unrelated film. This starts out innocently enough, with some obviously
imported footage of animals. Such animal footage continues throughout the film, until
we're treated to more random shots of birds, elephants, butterflies, various unidentifiable
jumping rodents, bats, and hyenas than even Jack Hannah would be comfortable
watching. Whatever--I could tolerate all of that if that were the only stock footage used. No,
the wheels really come off Hell of the Living Dead (not literally--the film is more like a
hovercraft than it is a wheeled vehicle) when entire fucking sequences are written around
the stock footage. So, the makers of Hell of the Living Dead are even lazier than I thought
they were. They couldn't even shoot their own footage of the Guinea tribesman, they had to
steal it from some other movie? Give me a fucking break. The worst part is that they didn't
even bother to clean the stock footage up and make it match the "original" footage that they
shot; no, one moment you'll be watching a Special Forces dude doing something, and the
next, you'll be watching random footage of a Zulu warrior (or something) that's grainier than
the Zapruder film. What's even worse is that on the DVDs extras section, Bruno Mattei
actually states that the pre-existing footage was seamlessly integrated with his own. That
guy gets to make movies for a living, and the rest of us are stuck earning minimum wage?
RAGE. All of this, and I haven't even mentioned yet the blue outfits that the Special Forces
dudes wear. I don't even have the energy to do so at this point, so let me just say that
they're silly looking jumpsuits that make them look simultaneously like Pan Am employees
and janitors. Is that the look you want your crack squad of government assassins to be
sporting? I don't think so.
Score: 1
Special Effects: Alright, a lot of the effects in Hell of the Living Dead are lame, but
compared to the overall incompetence of the film, I suppose they're not too bad. It does, for
example, feature an unbelievable amount of heads getting messed up in a variety of ways; I
think most of the people and zombies that die in this film do so when their heads get shot,
smashed, pulled apart from the inside, or squeezed until their brains ooze out. Seriously, I
haven't seen this many head shots since I attended that young models convention back in
'99. I have no idea what that means, but I think my point is valid.
Score: 3
Makeup: The makeup in Hell of the Living Dead is hard to get a handle on, I think because
it's so inconsistent. Let me explain: the quality of the makeup jobs themselves is rather
high, it's just that it's baffling sometimes trying to figure out what the makeup represents. If
you watch this film and see a person painted green, s/he is a zombie. If you watch this film
and see a person painted blue, s/he is also a zombie. If you see a person with a lot of
brown pancake makeup on, s/he is a terrorist. If you see someone painted white, s/he is a
native of Guinea, unless s/he is an old white person, in which case that person is actually a
zombie. Additionally, if you see someone with flesh hanging off of his/her face, that person
is either a zombie, or s/he is a regular person in the process of being eaten by zombies.
Everybody got that? Good.
Score: 3
Scariness: Honestly, the only thing scary about Hell of the Living Dead is the
aforementioned fact that approximately 20% of it is composed of recycled footage. Actually,
that's not really scary--what's scary is that someone, anyone, thought that they could edit
such footage into a film willy nilly and have said film remain coherent. What a world.
Score: 1
Goriness: At least there's tons of gore in Hell of the Living Dead to keep it almost
interesting. I mean, the film features multiple shoulders being munched on like they were
ribs (not ribs in your body, but delicious babyback ribs like you can get at Chili's), zombies
feasting from the chests of the living, fingers being bitten off, the aforementioned head stuff,
tons of gunshots, throats being slashed, and last but certainly not least, a kid who eats his
dad and is then shot multiple times. It's a veritable smorgasbord of gore. It's a
gorgasbord, is what it is. Or would that be a smorgasgore? I'm not a linguist, you tell me.
Score: 4
Final Scene: A young man and his lady, after hearing a report on television about how the
dead are rising and dismissing it as a bunch of BS, proceed to start making out in a park.
Suddenly, the girl decides that she wants a cigarette. As she asks a man on a nearby
bench for a light, she discovers that he's missing half of his face. Then, she and her beaux
are eaten by a horde of zombies. I think this is supposed to symbolize the global spread of
the zombie plague, but as most of this movie is incoherently incoherent, I could be wrong
about this. One might also conclude that this scene is a subtle message against smoking
and you might be right; just keep in mind that this movie isn't anti-tobacco, just anti-
cigarette. More on this later.
Score: 2
Comedy: The comedy in Hell of the Living Dead is off the charts, although it's safe to say
that NONE of it was intentional. Let's break this down by sections:
First of all, there's the crack Special Forces team that couldn't kick its own ass. For
example: at one point, the Special Forces guys decide that they should go into a village that
they've been warned to stay out of because "the drumbeats have changed". I have no
military training whatsoever, but I'm pretty sure that that's the least valid reason for
potentially engaging in combat that I've ever heard (the War in Iraq notwithstanding). I must
say that the aforementioned scene had me hoping that these army guys never have to
stage a stakeout near a Rush concert--dozens of people might be inadvertently killed.
Rhythmic confusion aside, perhaps the biggest problem with these yahoos are the facts
that they seem unable or unwilling to shoot with any accuracy whatsoever. Seriously--after
being told repeatedly that the zombies can only be neutralized by a bullet to the head, these
guys continue to waste round after round after round by shooting them in their torsos. So in
that sense, the antics of the Special Forces guys are a lot like Gallagher--they're funny at
first, but after a while, they're just tedious.
Next, there's the conceit that Lia, as an anthropologist, can only relate to the locals and be
accepted by them by wandering around naked (not that I'm complaining). What I mean is
that whenever she has to "talk" to the Guinea natives, she first takes her shirt off and paints
her face. That kind of behavior is fine if you're at a Kiss show, but not so much if you're an
anthropologist. Look, I took a couple of anthro classes in college, and I don't remember
THAT sort of thing ever happening. Unfortunately.
Those things aside, perhaps the funniest thing in Hell of the Living Dead is the truly weird
chewing tobacco product placement that occurs randomly about halfway through the film.
Don't believe me? Then prepare to have your mind blown. After fighting some zombies, Lia
the anthropologist lights up a cigarette. One of the Special Forces dudes asks her to put it
out, because it's too visible (to whom? Ninjas? I have no idea). Anyways, this
conversation, verbatim, then takes place:
Special Forces Tool: "Here, try some..."
Lia: "What is it?"
Special Forces Tool: "Chewing tobacco. It's very good once you get into the habit of
chewing it."
At this point, Lia opens the package, puts tobacco into her mouth, chews it, then goes
"Mmmmm" as her facial expression brightens considerably. Now, the specific brand of
tobacco being chewed is not visible during this scene, so the whole thing is like one of
those "Beef, it's what's for dinner" ads that you used to see on TV during commercial
breaks in the days before Tivo. Then again, maybe the point was that Hell of the Living
Dead wasn't so much pro-chewing tobacco as it was anti-cigarette? I have no idea.
Anyways, lastly, there's the "emergency" UN session that's held in the latter half of the
movie that's so momentous, only 5 people bother to attend. Ridiculous. Wait, that's how
the real UN actually works? Never mind, then.
Score: 4
Originality: Is Hell of the Living Dead original? That's a good question. I can honestly,
without reservation, say that of all of the Italian zombie movies that I've seen, Hell of the
Living Dead is one of them. That being said, at least the film features an highly ironical
climax during which Lia, our supposed heroine, is killed and eaten by the very people who
have been protecting and preventing her from being killed and eaten throughout most of the
film. Isn't that crazy? Yes. Yes it is.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: This category is a tough call--on the one hand, as you can probably gather,
this movie SUCKS ASS. On the other hand, the zombie-centric parts are enjoyable.
Hmmm. I guess what I'm saying is that watching Hell of the Living Dead is a lot like
sleeping with Anna Nicole Smith: a disturbing experience to be sure, but not without its
memorable moments.
Score: 2
Datedness: Every time I see photos or film footage of people from the 70s and early 80s,
I'm amazed at the latitude that people had with their hair in those days. For some reason,
no one, no matter how conservative they were, had a problem with fellas having long hair
during that time frame. Have you ever seen pictures of Ben Stein from that era? He had
shaggier hair than Shaggy himself, and he was a speechwriter for Richard Freaking Nixon.
My point is, if for no other reason, Hell of the Living Dead dates itself seriously by allowing
virtually all of its male characters to have longish, unkempt hair, regardless of the
seriousness of their positions; i.e., everyone from the highly advanced military commandos
to the also highly advanced green gas scientists to the not-so-highly advanced native
tribesmen have long hair. What a weird time it must have been to have hair, that's all I'm
really trying to say here.
Score: 1
Soundtrack: Musically, Hell of the Living Dead starts out promisingly enough, as the credits
are accompanied by a very funky, upbeat song that I actually described in my notes as
being "FUNKY FUCKIN' STUFF" (for the record, I've never said that I'm not a huge dork.)
Alas, after the credits, the rest of the film is filled with the synth-heavy music that is, for
some reason, endemic to zombie movies. Here's a theory: this type of synthy music being
used in tons of zombie movies as a subtle way of underscoring the growing menace of
zombies themselves. Wait, what the hell does that mean? I have no idea. Look, I didn't
say it was a good theory, only that it was a theory.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: Thanks to Lia, the previously discussed naked anthropologist,
there's a fair amount of nudity on display in Hell of the Living Dead. While overall that's a
good thing, I must say that I think Bruno Mattei went a little far in showcasing her
nakedness during the film. What I mean is this: it's one thing to have a woman in a film
take off her shirt; it's another thing to zoom in on her breasts and linger there for several
seconds after she does so. Still, I'll take nakedness over non-nakedness any day.
Score: 4
Lead Actor: This category gets the lowest score possible. Why? I'll tell you: because I can't
really figure out whom the lead actor in Hell of the Living Dead is supposed to be. Is it the
leader of the Special Forces team? Is it another member of said team? Is it Lia's
mustache-sporting journalist friend? Is it one of the tribal dudes? I wish I knew.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: The lead actor confusion encountered in the previous category
directly impacts this category as well. Have can you have a sidekick or love interest if you
don't even know who that person would be sidekicking to or having their love interested in in
the first place? It reminds me of a question that my high school biology teacher used to
ask: which came first, the lead actor or his love interest, and could that order not have been
reversed upon further review? My high school biology teacher was a weird guy, that's all I
know.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: The main weakness of the overall cast is that they're all terrible actors. The
main strength of the overall cast is that many of them bear striking resemblances to other,
more famous and talented actors. From the police officer who looks like a cross between
Sean Connery and Martin Landau, to the terrorist who looks like Julian Casablancas, to the
journalist dude who looks like Yanni, to the Special Forces dude that looks like Lee Majors...
all of them do their best to say, "Hey, I know this movie sucks, so I'm going to try hard to
remind you of other pieces of entertainment that were much more compelling than this shit-
fest." And for that, I salute them.
Score: 4
| Is it Yanni, or just a shitty actor? You tell me. |
Token Scientist: As you can probably guess, Hell of the Living Dead features tons of
scientists--I mean, there's like 30 of them in the first scene alone. Additionally, several
characters in the film are made to, for some reason, resemble scientists, this because
they're forced to wear white lab coats for no apparent reason. At one point, we meet
someone who was apparently a priest, but who is now a zombie, and yet, he's wearing your
classic generic, white scientist "lab coat". Later on in the film, we see some television
camera operators at work, and they're wearing the same coats. Why? Why are all of these
people wearing these coats? Did the production save so much money by using stock
footage in the film that they could afford to buy 1,000 of them for everyone to wear? Did
Bruno Mattei just think that they were really cool looking? Why am I wasting my time even
raising these questions?
Score: 2
Token Fat Guy: There are no fat guys in this film whatsoever. Are you trying to tell me that
with all of the stock footage employed in this film, they couldn't find 5 seconds of a fat guy
eating a hot dog? Or at the very least, or a really fat animal, like a hippo or something? Or,
a fat guy to play one of the terrorists early in the film? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
What a rip-off.
Score: 1
Best Line: It's impossible for me to pick just one line in this movie as being "the best", as
most of its dialogue is so good and witty and clever that it would make Neil Simon shit his
pants with jealousy. Where do I even start?
How about here: in addition to the previously mentioned learned discourse on the marvels
of chewing tobacco, there's this beautiful, moving, and beautifully moving conversation
about women:
Douche Bag Scientist #1: "She may not know much about chemistry, but in bed her
reactions are terrific."
Douche Bag Scientist #2: "I'm not surprised, with that cute little ass."
Douche Bag Scientist #1: "I'm a tit man, myself."
Me: "AWESOME!"
Then, there's this sage advice from one Special Forces dude to another: "Just be careful
you don't get your balls wasted." That's pure wisdom, right there, only topped later on by
one of the Special Forces guys deducing that there might be people nearby by pointing out
that "Buildings have people in them." As if all of that Special Forces dialogic awesomeness
weren't enough, there's the question that should be asked in every zombie movie: "Why the
long face? Something eating you?" I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point.
Score: 1
Intangibles: I'll be blunt: Hell of the Living Dead has more problems than Rosie O'Donnell
at an all-you-can-eat chocolate bar. I mean, by the 20-minute mark, I was openly rooting for
the death of everyone in the film (including the crew), which is never a good sign. Still, I
suppose something should be said for a film that combines industrial engineering,
zombies, the United Nations, chewing tobacco, anthropology, terrorism, recycled
documentary footage, New Guinea, and journalism. I guess.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: Unlike virtually everything else in the film, the zombies in Hell of the
Living Dead were reasonably realistic. That's about all I have to say about that.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: There were tons of zombie attack scenes in Hell of the Living
Dead; as a matter of fact, there were too many for me to list here, which is always a good
thing. If only said scenes weren't outnumbered by stock footage scenes. Oh well.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: Much like the attack scenes in general, the were a fair number of
quality zombie orgy scenes in Hell of the Living Dead, including ones at the tribal camp,
one in an abandoned house, and one at the gas plant. My only quibble is this: they couldn't
find a way to have the zombies break into a film archive and eat all the canisters of stock
footage that they could find? Put it a little effort into it, people.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There was a fair amount of anti-zombie weaponry on display in
this film, including machine guns that were used as firearms and as clubs. This brings to
mind a very important question: if you were surrounded by zombies, and had a machine
gun, how would you get rid of them? Remember earlier when I was saying how laughable
and laughably stupid the Special Forces dudes are in this film? Well, not once, but TWICE
they try to work their way out of a horde of zombies by smacking them with their rifles
instead of shooting them. Has Italy's military improved in the years since Hell of the Living
Dead was made? Let's hope so.
That aside, I should say that another very effective weapon was the act of standing around
and shrieking, an anti-zombie implement that the character of Lia employed quite liberally
throughout the film. Remember how earlier I mentioned that ironicality of Lia being eaten
by the very people who had been protecting her from being eaten? This ironicism was only
heightened by the ironicized fate of Lia, as she has her tongue ripped out by zombies. Do
you say what I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm fucking lost at this point.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't list "footage from other movies" here as a weapon,
although I think it was more of an anti-audience weapon than it was anti-zombie.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: As previously indicated, what causes the dead to rise in Hell of
the Living Dead is a mysterious green gas. This would be an alright conceit if it weren't for
the fact that the gas is even more mysterious than you might think, because it apparently
doesn't cause every corpse in the area to rise, nor does it equally zombify everyone who
inhales it. And that's just lame, my friends.
Score: 2
Zombie "Uniqueness": Enjoy it, folks: this is the only category in which Hell of the Living
Dead garners a perfect score. Why? Because: it features a zombie rat, what is quite
possibly a zombie cat, a zombie in a tree, an unprecedented combination of a kid zombie
and a geriatric zombie, and native, pre-industrial zombies who apparently have no concept
of pants and/or the five-day work week. As if all of that weren't unique enough, there's also
the fact that unlike many other zombie movies (e.g. Zombi, Shockwaves, and Zombie
Lake), Hell of the Living Dead features zombies that WON'T go into water. Nice work,
people.
Score: 5
Zombie Consistency: Coming off the high of the previous category, it's a shame to see that
Hell of the Living Dead couldn't maintain its zombie momentum in terms of the consistency
of its living dead. The sad fact is that the levels and colors of makeup used to signify
zombies in this film are all over the map, to a distracting degree. Beyond that, there's also
the issue of the aforementioned zombie rat. Why is it zombified, but not the other animals
in the film? Oh right, because someone else, presumably a crew funded by PBS, would
have had to have already filmed the animals as zombies.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: I'm not sure that Hell of the Living Dead even has a signature zombie.
Is it the priest in the lab coat that I discussed earlier? Let's go ahead and say yes, if for no
other reason than the fact that his picture is on the slipcase of my DVD copy of this film. If
that isn't a signature zombie, I don't know what is.
Score: 2
scientists--I mean, there's like 30 of them in the first scene alone. Additionally, several
characters in the film are made to, for some reason, resemble scientists, this because
they're forced to wear white lab coats for no apparent reason. At one point, we meet
someone who was apparently a priest, but who is now a zombie, and yet, he's wearing your
classic generic, white scientist "lab coat". Later on in the film, we see some television
camera operators at work, and they're wearing the same coats. Why? Why are all of these
people wearing these coats? Did the production save so much money by using stock
footage in the film that they could afford to buy 1,000 of them for everyone to wear? Did
Bruno Mattei just think that they were really cool looking? Why am I wasting my time even
raising these questions?
Score: 2
Token Fat Guy: There are no fat guys in this film whatsoever. Are you trying to tell me that
with all of the stock footage employed in this film, they couldn't find 5 seconds of a fat guy
eating a hot dog? Or at the very least, or a really fat animal, like a hippo or something? Or,
a fat guy to play one of the terrorists early in the film? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
What a rip-off.
Score: 1
Best Line: It's impossible for me to pick just one line in this movie as being "the best", as
most of its dialogue is so good and witty and clever that it would make Neil Simon shit his
pants with jealousy. Where do I even start?
How about here: in addition to the previously mentioned learned discourse on the marvels
of chewing tobacco, there's this beautiful, moving, and beautifully moving conversation
about women:
Douche Bag Scientist #1: "She may not know much about chemistry, but in bed her
reactions are terrific."
Douche Bag Scientist #2: "I'm not surprised, with that cute little ass."
Douche Bag Scientist #1: "I'm a tit man, myself."
Me: "AWESOME!"
Then, there's this sage advice from one Special Forces dude to another: "Just be careful
you don't get your balls wasted." That's pure wisdom, right there, only topped later on by
one of the Special Forces guys deducing that there might be people nearby by pointing out
that "Buildings have people in them." As if all of that Special Forces dialogic awesomeness
weren't enough, there's the question that should be asked in every zombie movie: "Why the
long face? Something eating you?" I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point.
Score: 1
Intangibles: I'll be blunt: Hell of the Living Dead has more problems than Rosie O'Donnell
at an all-you-can-eat chocolate bar. I mean, by the 20-minute mark, I was openly rooting for
the death of everyone in the film (including the crew), which is never a good sign. Still, I
suppose something should be said for a film that combines industrial engineering,
zombies, the United Nations, chewing tobacco, anthropology, terrorism, recycled
documentary footage, New Guinea, and journalism. I guess.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: Unlike virtually everything else in the film, the zombies in Hell of the
Living Dead were reasonably realistic. That's about all I have to say about that.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: There were tons of zombie attack scenes in Hell of the Living
Dead; as a matter of fact, there were too many for me to list here, which is always a good
thing. If only said scenes weren't outnumbered by stock footage scenes. Oh well.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: Much like the attack scenes in general, the were a fair number of
quality zombie orgy scenes in Hell of the Living Dead, including ones at the tribal camp,
one in an abandoned house, and one at the gas plant. My only quibble is this: they couldn't
find a way to have the zombies break into a film archive and eat all the canisters of stock
footage that they could find? Put it a little effort into it, people.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There was a fair amount of anti-zombie weaponry on display in
this film, including machine guns that were used as firearms and as clubs. This brings to
mind a very important question: if you were surrounded by zombies, and had a machine
gun, how would you get rid of them? Remember earlier when I was saying how laughable
and laughably stupid the Special Forces dudes are in this film? Well, not once, but TWICE
they try to work their way out of a horde of zombies by smacking them with their rifles
instead of shooting them. Has Italy's military improved in the years since Hell of the Living
Dead was made? Let's hope so.
That aside, I should say that another very effective weapon was the act of standing around
and shrieking, an anti-zombie implement that the character of Lia employed quite liberally
throughout the film. Remember how earlier I mentioned that ironicality of Lia being eaten
by the very people who had been protecting her from being eaten? This ironicism was only
heightened by the ironicized fate of Lia, as she has her tongue ripped out by zombies. Do
you say what I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm fucking lost at this point.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't list "footage from other movies" here as a weapon,
although I think it was more of an anti-audience weapon than it was anti-zombie.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: As previously indicated, what causes the dead to rise in Hell of
the Living Dead is a mysterious green gas. This would be an alright conceit if it weren't for
the fact that the gas is even more mysterious than you might think, because it apparently
doesn't cause every corpse in the area to rise, nor does it equally zombify everyone who
inhales it. And that's just lame, my friends.
Score: 2
Zombie "Uniqueness": Enjoy it, folks: this is the only category in which Hell of the Living
Dead garners a perfect score. Why? Because: it features a zombie rat, what is quite
possibly a zombie cat, a zombie in a tree, an unprecedented combination of a kid zombie
and a geriatric zombie, and native, pre-industrial zombies who apparently have no concept
of pants and/or the five-day work week. As if all of that weren't unique enough, there's also
the fact that unlike many other zombie movies (e.g. Zombi, Shockwaves, and Zombie
Lake), Hell of the Living Dead features zombies that WON'T go into water. Nice work,
people.
Score: 5
Zombie Consistency: Coming off the high of the previous category, it's a shame to see that
Hell of the Living Dead couldn't maintain its zombie momentum in terms of the consistency
of its living dead. The sad fact is that the levels and colors of makeup used to signify
zombies in this film are all over the map, to a distracting degree. Beyond that, there's also
the issue of the aforementioned zombie rat. Why is it zombified, but not the other animals
in the film? Oh right, because someone else, presumably a crew funded by PBS, would
have had to have already filmed the animals as zombies.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: I'm not sure that Hell of the Living Dead even has a signature zombie.
Is it the priest in the lab coat that I discussed earlier? Let's go ahead and say yes, if for no
other reason than the fact that his picture is on the slipcase of my DVD copy of this film. If
that isn't a signature zombie, I don't know what is.
Score: 2
| Am I a signature zombie? Who the hell knows? |
Total Points: 69
Verdict: Without a doubt, Hell of the Living Dead is a terrible zombie movie--as I've said, the
zombies themselves are pretty cool, but the rest of this film is about as soul-crushing an
experience as a zombie movie can be. I would advise that you avoid it at all costs, unless
you're a zombie movie completist and/or if you're writing a school report on species of
animals indigenous to Guinea. In the latter's the case, you're not going to find a better
source of relevant documentary film footage in the world.
Next Time: Hard Rock Zombies
Verdict: Without a doubt, Hell of the Living Dead is a terrible zombie movie--as I've said, the
zombies themselves are pretty cool, but the rest of this film is about as soul-crushing an
experience as a zombie movie can be. I would advise that you avoid it at all costs, unless
you're a zombie movie completist and/or if you're writing a school report on species of
animals indigenous to Guinea. In the latter's the case, you're not going to find a better
source of relevant documentary film footage in the world.
Next Time: Hard Rock Zombies
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