The ZombieTastic Review of:
Hard Rock Zombies
Hard Rock Zombies
Director: Krishna Shah
Year of Release: 1985
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Exactly what the title implies.
Also Known as: Nothing, because it already has the best title EVER.
Part of a series?: No, unfortunately.
The Scoring
Plot: Every so often, a movie comes along with a plot set-up so perfect, it's almost sad that
the film even has to be made, because nothing could possibly live up to such a good idea.
Hard Rock Zombies is a case in point, but don't take it from me, just listen to the text from
the slipcase of my DVD copy of the film: "When Cassie meets Jesse and his friends
backstage, she warns them to stop their concert plans in Grand Guignol. The band takes it
in stride but seeks refuge from the town's angry parents at a strange mansion. While
rehearsing in the mansion's private gardens, they are all brutally killed by a sadistic family
of freaks led by Adolph Hitler. Hitler comes out of hiding, and with a mysterious piece of
music, Cassie raises the band from the dead to stop Hitler by rocking one final time."
That's just glorious.
Score: 5
Exposition: There aren't really any pure exposition scenes in Hard Rock Zombies, which is,
of course, a good thing. However, the film must lose some points in this category, because
it has an excess of driving scenes and semi-baffling montage scenes, and I don't want to
reward bad behavior.
Score: 3
Plausibility: Aside from the obvious plausibility problems of a group of zombies battling
Hitler while trying to produce the sweet sounds of rock and roll (everyone knows that it
would be much easier to create Jamaican Dancehall music while taking on the Fuhrer),
Hard Rock Zombies features a bunch of minor plausibility problems, the most obvious of
which occurs in the first scene, when Jesse and the boys are performing in a club, and
everyone, I mean EVERYONE in the crowd is jumping and dancing and generally partying
like it's 1999. Have you ever been to a club? Typically, about .05% of the people in
attendance are rocking out to the band, and everyone else is either indifferent, drowning
their many sorrows in glasses of beer, or standing in line for the bathroom. It's true.
Additionally, the scene in question highlights a major problem with the movie, which is that
every time the band plays, their drummer remains standing the entire time. As far as I
know, the only band that ever pulled this off was The Velvet Underground, and they've been
defunct for years. Coincidence? I could list a few more plausibility issues, but I think I'll just
sum them all up by asking a simple question: if you were staying at a mysterious mansion,
and a dwarf butler with an eye-patch approached you and subsequently gave you a severed
hand, would you continue to stay in such a place, or would you get the fuck out of dodge?
Think carefully before you answer.
Score: 2
Year of Release: 1985
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Exactly what the title implies.
Also Known as: Nothing, because it already has the best title EVER.
Part of a series?: No, unfortunately.
The Scoring
Plot: Every so often, a movie comes along with a plot set-up so perfect, it's almost sad that
the film even has to be made, because nothing could possibly live up to such a good idea.
Hard Rock Zombies is a case in point, but don't take it from me, just listen to the text from
the slipcase of my DVD copy of the film: "When Cassie meets Jesse and his friends
backstage, she warns them to stop their concert plans in Grand Guignol. The band takes it
in stride but seeks refuge from the town's angry parents at a strange mansion. While
rehearsing in the mansion's private gardens, they are all brutally killed by a sadistic family
of freaks led by Adolph Hitler. Hitler comes out of hiding, and with a mysterious piece of
music, Cassie raises the band from the dead to stop Hitler by rocking one final time."
That's just glorious.
Score: 5
Exposition: There aren't really any pure exposition scenes in Hard Rock Zombies, which is,
of course, a good thing. However, the film must lose some points in this category, because
it has an excess of driving scenes and semi-baffling montage scenes, and I don't want to
reward bad behavior.
Score: 3
Plausibility: Aside from the obvious plausibility problems of a group of zombies battling
Hitler while trying to produce the sweet sounds of rock and roll (everyone knows that it
would be much easier to create Jamaican Dancehall music while taking on the Fuhrer),
Hard Rock Zombies features a bunch of minor plausibility problems, the most obvious of
which occurs in the first scene, when Jesse and the boys are performing in a club, and
everyone, I mean EVERYONE in the crowd is jumping and dancing and generally partying
like it's 1999. Have you ever been to a club? Typically, about .05% of the people in
attendance are rocking out to the band, and everyone else is either indifferent, drowning
their many sorrows in glasses of beer, or standing in line for the bathroom. It's true.
Additionally, the scene in question highlights a major problem with the movie, which is that
every time the band plays, their drummer remains standing the entire time. As far as I
know, the only band that ever pulled this off was The Velvet Underground, and they've been
defunct for years. Coincidence? I could list a few more plausibility issues, but I think I'll just
sum them all up by asking a simple question: if you were staying at a mysterious mansion,
and a dwarf butler with an eye-patch approached you and subsequently gave you a severed
hand, would you continue to stay in such a place, or would you get the fuck out of dodge?
Think carefully before you answer.
Score: 2
| Calm down, everybody. |
Production Value: For all of its merits, Hard Rock Zombies was clearly made on a budget
somewhere between my weekly allowance when I was 8 and the price of a pair of jeans
from Old Navy. First of all, throughout the film, the images on the screen keep changing
color; furthermore, the luminosity of most of the shots don't match, even within the same
scene. Additionally, it’s hard to hear and/or see about 50% of what goes on in this film.
And, most of the music featured in the movie has a weird flange sound to it, which is pretty
lame when you consider that this film is about a rock band. On that note, perhaps the
biggest problem with this production is that no one involved bothered to give the
aforementioned band a fucking name. Seriously, these guys are the center of the movie
and approximately 80% of the action in the film revolves around them, and they don't even
have a name. Not one to be easily deterred, I decided to consult my handy Rocklopedia
Fakebandica, the ultimate guide to the greatest non-existent bands that ever existed, with
the hope that I might be able to determine the name of these mystery minstrels. Not sure
where to start, I flipped to the ‘J’ section with the thought that perhaps the group was named
after their frontman. Alas, while I did find a band name that begin with ‘Jesse’, it was
(unfortunately) Jesse and the Rippers, the band from Full House; I mean, I think we can all
agree that John Stamos is the last person we need to be thinking about at this point, right?
Anyways, I looked through the rest of the book, but I was unable to find any mention of these
anti-Hitler rockers. So, I’m pleased to announced the official ZombieTastic Contest to
Name the Band with No Name in Hard Rock Zombies. Enter as often as you like--the
person that submits the coolest, most appropriate name for the band in this film will receive
a free high five from me. We’ll be accepting submissions until Jne 5th, 2008, so put those
thinking caps on and come up with something good!
Score: 1
Special Effects: Considering my previous comments about the film's budget (or apparent
lack thereof), it should come as no surprise that many of the "effects" in Hard Rock
Zombies are rather lame. Underscoring this point is the fact that virtually any time
someone is stabbed or bitten in the film, the violence occurs off-camera; the only way that
you really know something "bad" is happening is because you see whatever person or
object that was next to the person when the attack started become hosed down in blood. I
suppose this is another way of saying that if you're really interested in seeing white tile
covered in fake blood, Hard Rock Zombies is the movie for you. The lameness of the
effects in the film is perhaps captured best by the scene in which we see the one-eyed
midget mentioned earlier in this review in a room filled with jars containing severed hands.
At one point, the hands in the jars, even though they're severed, start moving. The camera
lingers over the jars as this happened, as if to draw attention to the magic happening on the
screen. I'll admit it: as this happened, I found myself wondering, "HOW DID THEY DO
THAT?" Alright, that's a lie--that's what a good effect would have made me wonder; what the
hand-in-jar effect made me wonder was actually something like, "SHOULD I TAKE A DUMP
NOW, OR WAIT UNTIL THE MOVIE'S OVER?" I think I'll keep the answer to that riddle to
myself.
Score: 2
Makeup: Hard Rock Zombies has to score highly in this category. Why? Simple: seeing as
how it's an 80's movie about 80's rock, most of the people in this film are already wearing a
bunch of makeup at the outset of the movie, never mind the amount they're wearing once
they become undead. As a matter of fact, post-zombification, with the amount of makeup
that they sport, Jesse and his unnamed band don't look so much like zombies as they do
like Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars. Alas, Hard Rock Zombies is kept from a
perfect score in this category by virtue of the fact that it inexplicably features a woman who is
also a Nazi who is also (occasionally and apparently) some sort of werewolf-type creature.
I say 'apparently' because I'm not certain that this woman is a werewolf, because the
makeup job on her during her "wolf out" moments is laughable at best. Here's a rule of
thumb: if a makeup job on someone isn't scary enough to compete with the monsters in
Michael Jackson's Thriller video, it probably shouldn't be featured in a horror movie.
Score: 4
somewhere between my weekly allowance when I was 8 and the price of a pair of jeans
from Old Navy. First of all, throughout the film, the images on the screen keep changing
color; furthermore, the luminosity of most of the shots don't match, even within the same
scene. Additionally, it’s hard to hear and/or see about 50% of what goes on in this film.
And, most of the music featured in the movie has a weird flange sound to it, which is pretty
lame when you consider that this film is about a rock band. On that note, perhaps the
biggest problem with this production is that no one involved bothered to give the
aforementioned band a fucking name. Seriously, these guys are the center of the movie
and approximately 80% of the action in the film revolves around them, and they don't even
have a name. Not one to be easily deterred, I decided to consult my handy Rocklopedia
Fakebandica, the ultimate guide to the greatest non-existent bands that ever existed, with
the hope that I might be able to determine the name of these mystery minstrels. Not sure
where to start, I flipped to the ‘J’ section with the thought that perhaps the group was named
after their frontman. Alas, while I did find a band name that begin with ‘Jesse’, it was
(unfortunately) Jesse and the Rippers, the band from Full House; I mean, I think we can all
agree that John Stamos is the last person we need to be thinking about at this point, right?
Anyways, I looked through the rest of the book, but I was unable to find any mention of these
anti-Hitler rockers. So, I’m pleased to announced the official ZombieTastic Contest to
Name the Band with No Name in Hard Rock Zombies. Enter as often as you like--the
person that submits the coolest, most appropriate name for the band in this film will receive
a free high five from me. We’ll be accepting submissions until Jne 5th, 2008, so put those
thinking caps on and come up with something good!
Score: 1
Special Effects: Considering my previous comments about the film's budget (or apparent
lack thereof), it should come as no surprise that many of the "effects" in Hard Rock
Zombies are rather lame. Underscoring this point is the fact that virtually any time
someone is stabbed or bitten in the film, the violence occurs off-camera; the only way that
you really know something "bad" is happening is because you see whatever person or
object that was next to the person when the attack started become hosed down in blood. I
suppose this is another way of saying that if you're really interested in seeing white tile
covered in fake blood, Hard Rock Zombies is the movie for you. The lameness of the
effects in the film is perhaps captured best by the scene in which we see the one-eyed
midget mentioned earlier in this review in a room filled with jars containing severed hands.
At one point, the hands in the jars, even though they're severed, start moving. The camera
lingers over the jars as this happened, as if to draw attention to the magic happening on the
screen. I'll admit it: as this happened, I found myself wondering, "HOW DID THEY DO
THAT?" Alright, that's a lie--that's what a good effect would have made me wonder; what the
hand-in-jar effect made me wonder was actually something like, "SHOULD I TAKE A DUMP
NOW, OR WAIT UNTIL THE MOVIE'S OVER?" I think I'll keep the answer to that riddle to
myself.
Score: 2
Makeup: Hard Rock Zombies has to score highly in this category. Why? Simple: seeing as
how it's an 80's movie about 80's rock, most of the people in this film are already wearing a
bunch of makeup at the outset of the movie, never mind the amount they're wearing once
they become undead. As a matter of fact, post-zombification, with the amount of makeup
that they sport, Jesse and his unnamed band don't look so much like zombies as they do
like Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars. Alas, Hard Rock Zombies is kept from a
perfect score in this category by virtue of the fact that it inexplicably features a woman who is
also a Nazi who is also (occasionally and apparently) some sort of werewolf-type creature.
I say 'apparently' because I'm not certain that this woman is a werewolf, because the
makeup job on her during her "wolf out" moments is laughable at best. Here's a rule of
thumb: if a makeup job on someone isn't scary enough to compete with the monsters in
Michael Jackson's Thriller video, it probably shouldn't be featured in a horror movie.
Score: 4
| Can anyone tell me what the fuck this is supposed to be? |
Goriness: Early in the film, someone's hand gets chopped off. About 30 minutes later, a
spider gets squished. Then, zombies eat people, but you don't really get to see it. And that,
my friends, is the extent of the gore in this film.
Score: 1
Final Scene: In a very "moving" final scene, Cassie goes to the grave of Jesse (who is there
after being zombified and then dying again, if that makes any sense), and pledges her love
eternal. Jesse, being the sweet rocking zombie that he is, sticks his undead hand up
through the dirt and gives her a ring. So, this scene proves that zombies can hear well,
even when covered with dirt. It also brings to mind a very important point: never take a
dirtnap unless you're actually able to nap, for obvious reasons.
Score: 2
Comedy: There's a ton of comedy in Hard Rock Zombies, and most of it is intentional,
which is a good thing. For example, there's a scene set in a town hall, during which the
citizens of Grand Guignol gather to discuss whether or not they want The Band That Must
Not Be Named performing in their town, that's almost worth the price of admission on its
own. As Joe Pesci might say, it's funny fucking shit. I guess my point is this: if you can't
laugh at a movie about hard rock zombies, what can you laugh at?
Score: 4
Originality: Aside from the fact that this movie is about a rock band fighting Hitler, which is
something that I can honestly say that I'm pretty sure I've never seen in a film before, it also
has this going for it: it features the earliest appearance of tuxedo-wearing midgets that I've
ever seen in a film. That's got to count for something, right?
Score: 4
Rewatchability: This is a tough category to score, because as I've mentioned, Hard Rock
Zombies is so murky, it's hard to say that it's even viewable the first time around; maybe that
works in its favor though, as multiple viewings are probably necessary just for one to be
able to say that s/he has "seen" the whole movie. Anyways, in a less literal sense, I would
say that this film is entertaining enough to warrant multiple viewings. Additionally, a fun
game to play while watching Hard Rock Zombies is to picture an actual band in the place of
Jesse and his musical friends. I've always thought that "a rock band vs. a bunch of
zombies" is a kick-ass movie concept, and this film only strengthens this resolve. All I'm
saying is that you could have endless fun re-watching Hard Rock Zombies--one time
through you could imagine that The Ramones are being turned into zombies, and another
time, it could be The Bangles. Then, you could try to imagine the answer to the question,
would the current Mike Love-fronted incarnation of The Beach Boys do a better job of
defeating Hitler and his minions than the Brian Wilson-led mid-60's version? This could go
on and on; the point is that we're talking BIG FUN on a nearly endless scale here, people.
Score: 4
Datedness: Alas, Hard Rock Zombies doesn't hold up well in terms of its datedness, but
can we really be that critical here? I mean, considering that this movie centers around a
mid-80's glam band, it's dated by definition, right? All I'm saying is that if you took away the
hair styles, the clothes, the makeup, the music, and about half of the characters, the film
could be set in almost any period during the last 50 years.
Score: 1
Soundtrack: For a movie with the phrase "Hard Rock" in its title, this film features music
that is, for the most part, neither hard nor rocking. Weird. Anyways, the truly strange thing
about Hard Rock Zombies, musically speaking, is that it contains multiple references to
The Beatles. At one point, someone holds up a severed hand and sings, "I Want to Hold
Your Hand." Later, we're treated to a song that features several iterations of the phrase
"Shake it up, baby", and yet the song isn't a cover of The Beatles cover of Shake it Up, Baby.
My questions are: does Paul McCartney know about any of this? If so, why doesn't he
seem to care, and if not, what the hell is he doing with his free time if not watching obscure
zombie movies? Regardless, The Beatles aren't the only ones who get ripped off in Hard
Rock Zombies; the signature song performed by Jesse and the boys, called Cassie (about
the character of Cassie, strangely enough) bears more than a passing resemblance to the
Kiss pseudo-classic Shandi. I'd like to think this is purely an accident, but what with the fact
that after they become zombies, Jesse and the fellas are wearing glammed out face paint,
can any of this be a coincidence?
Score: 2
| Paul Stanley or Jesse? You tell me. |
Breast Factor/Nudity: To its credit, Hard Rock Zombies has a skinny dipping scene less
than 2 minutes in. To its detriment, Hard Rock Zombies spends more time lingering on
hairy man-ass in this scene than it does on the girl involved. Later, there's a shower
murder scene which is not even close to being arousing. That's it for the nudity in the film,
unless you want to count a shot of Jesse walking around in tighty whities--and let's hope
that you don't. Well, I guess that's not entirely true--at one point, Jesse autographs the rear
end of a female fan; I hesitate to mention this, though, because I'm not sure what to call
such a thing...a butograph? An autograss? Help me out, here.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: E.J. Curse as Jesse. Or is it Jessie? The DVD says one thing, IMDB another.
Who cares, when you have a name as cool as E.J. Curse? I wonder if he's related to the
Long Island Curses? They're good people. Anyways, the all-important role of Jesse is ably
handled by Mr. Curse. Sure, he's a terrible actor, and yes, he has the charisma of gnat.
BUT, he looks cool holding his guitar, he has a sweet mustache, and he has the biggest
mullet this side of Billy Ray Cyrus. What more do you want from a leading man?
Score: 4
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Jennifer Coe as Cassie. Aside from her role in this film,
Jennifer Coe's only other acting credit is an appearance on Falcon Crest, and with good
cause. I don't know what the worst thing about her in this film is--her wooden, almost
closed-mouth method of dialogue delivery, the fact that her eyebrows are roughly the size of
billboards (Brook Shields would shit her pants with jealousy if she saw them), or her
bouffant hairdo borrowed from Tina Turner circa Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. I think
the worst part about Jennifer Coe is that she somewhat resembles Jesse Spano, which
makes me think that this film would have been much more enjoyable had it been the Zack
Attack that was facing off against the Nazis. I'm not saying that I would necessarily trade
Hard Rock Zombies for Screech Battles the Zombies, I'm just saying I would definitely
mull such a trade over.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Hey, remember how in the last category, when I described Jennifer Coe's line
readings as "wooden" and "almost closed-mouth"? It was probably unfair of me to single
her out in that way, considering that the acting ability of most of the people in the cast of
Hard Rock Zombies is on par with that. As a matter of fact, virtually everyone in the movie
sounds as if they're seeing their lines IN ENGLISH for the first time as they deliver them.
That being said, there is some quality midget acting in the film, and some sweet
German-accent voiceovers in it as well. Things could have been a lot worse, that's all I'm
saying here.
Score: 2
Token Scientist: This film begs the age old question: who needs science when you have
Hard Rock Zombies?
Score: 5
Token Fat Guy: There isn't necessarily a fat guy in Hard Rock Zombies; what there is is a
somewhat fat midget in a mask who is so hungry once he becomes zombified that he ends
up eating himself, thereby becoming skinnier AND fatter simultaneously. It's a very Zen
thing, if you catch my drift.
Score: 5
than 2 minutes in. To its detriment, Hard Rock Zombies spends more time lingering on
hairy man-ass in this scene than it does on the girl involved. Later, there's a shower
murder scene which is not even close to being arousing. That's it for the nudity in the film,
unless you want to count a shot of Jesse walking around in tighty whities--and let's hope
that you don't. Well, I guess that's not entirely true--at one point, Jesse autographs the rear
end of a female fan; I hesitate to mention this, though, because I'm not sure what to call
such a thing...a butograph? An autograss? Help me out, here.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: E.J. Curse as Jesse. Or is it Jessie? The DVD says one thing, IMDB another.
Who cares, when you have a name as cool as E.J. Curse? I wonder if he's related to the
Long Island Curses? They're good people. Anyways, the all-important role of Jesse is ably
handled by Mr. Curse. Sure, he's a terrible actor, and yes, he has the charisma of gnat.
BUT, he looks cool holding his guitar, he has a sweet mustache, and he has the biggest
mullet this side of Billy Ray Cyrus. What more do you want from a leading man?
Score: 4
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Jennifer Coe as Cassie. Aside from her role in this film,
Jennifer Coe's only other acting credit is an appearance on Falcon Crest, and with good
cause. I don't know what the worst thing about her in this film is--her wooden, almost
closed-mouth method of dialogue delivery, the fact that her eyebrows are roughly the size of
billboards (Brook Shields would shit her pants with jealousy if she saw them), or her
bouffant hairdo borrowed from Tina Turner circa Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. I think
the worst part about Jennifer Coe is that she somewhat resembles Jesse Spano, which
makes me think that this film would have been much more enjoyable had it been the Zack
Attack that was facing off against the Nazis. I'm not saying that I would necessarily trade
Hard Rock Zombies for Screech Battles the Zombies, I'm just saying I would definitely
mull such a trade over.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Hey, remember how in the last category, when I described Jennifer Coe's line
readings as "wooden" and "almost closed-mouth"? It was probably unfair of me to single
her out in that way, considering that the acting ability of most of the people in the cast of
Hard Rock Zombies is on par with that. As a matter of fact, virtually everyone in the movie
sounds as if they're seeing their lines IN ENGLISH for the first time as they deliver them.
That being said, there is some quality midget acting in the film, and some sweet
German-accent voiceovers in it as well. Things could have been a lot worse, that's all I'm
saying here.
Score: 2
Token Scientist: This film begs the age old question: who needs science when you have
Hard Rock Zombies?
Score: 5
Token Fat Guy: There isn't necessarily a fat guy in Hard Rock Zombies; what there is is a
somewhat fat midget in a mask who is so hungry once he becomes zombified that he ends
up eating himself, thereby becoming skinnier AND fatter simultaneously. It's a very Zen
thing, if you catch my drift.
Score: 5
| If you were a midget Nazi zombie, would you eat yourself? I would. |
Best Line: "We are musicians, not day care counselors." This line was uttered by Jesse
early in the film, and I'm still not sure what the fuck he was talking about. Then again, that's
true of a lot of the dialogue in Hard Rock Zombies. For example, at one point, while Jesse
is signing a girl's breast, one of his bandmates tells him, "Don't dot the 'i' too hard." Initially
that's funny in a euphemistic kind of way, but now that I think about it, I don't even know what
it means. Additionally, there's the first meeting between Jesse and Cassie; they're
supposed to basically fall in love at first sight, and yet, what does Jesse say to Cassie to
illustrate this during their initial meeting? "You're neat." That's just sad, and yes, baffling.
Still, Hard Rock Zombies does have some quality lines in it, one of my favorites being when
a police officer smells a zombie in the backseat; not realizing that he's smelling a zombie,
he asks his passenger, "Did you fart?" I've always wondered what zombies smell like, and
now I know--they smell like the cheese after it's been cut. Good to know. Ultimately, I think
the coveted best line prize goes to the woman who, as she's holding her husband's
severed head in her hands, asks him, "Are you OK?" That's comedy, right there.
Score: 3
Intangibles: I've got to be honest with you: it's watching movies like this that make this job
worthwhile. Sure, the overall quality of the film sucks, but it knows that it sucks, and that self-
awareness turns what could have been a soul-crushing waste of time into a pretty fun
movie to watch, as long as you have alcohol nearby. What I'm saying is this: if you can't
enjoy a murderous Nazi chasing a mulletted rock star with a weed whacker, then you have
no business hanging out at ZombieTastic. Harsh, but true.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: I guess that some of the zombies in this film are believable, but alas,
Jesse and his band, the stars of the movie, really aren't. This is because after they've taken
their revenge on their killers (more on this in the next category), they don't wander around
the countryside looking for people to eat, like all good zombies should. No, they go to the
local rock club and play a full set. Honestly, what kind of self-respecting zombie would play
rock music when there are brains to be eaten?
Score: 2
Zombie Attack Scenes: Hard Rock Zombies features multiple zombie attack scenes, the
best of which is the awesome montage after Jesse and the band are reanimated--as we
see them killing the people who originally killed them, these images are juxtaposed with
the scenes of them getting killed in the first place. This is even more Zen than the other
Zen-like thing that I mentioned earlier in this review. I mean, there hasn't been a
succession of images this stunning since the fall of the Berlin Wall and/or that one
super-hot Jenna Jameson porn I once watched. 'Wow', that's all I have to say.
Score: 4
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There's a somewhat decent zombie orgy scene that takes place in
the streets of Grand Guignol towards the end of the film; alas, it loses major points
because it's accompanied by, for some reason, jump-cuts of a zombie woman dancing by
herself in an intersection. Trust me--it's as annoying and stupid as it sounds.
Score: 2
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: Perhaps the lamest component of Hard Rock Zombies is the
weaponry used to combat the zombies. Machine guns? No. Machetes? Nyet.
Flamethrowers? Not even close. The sweet sounds of rock and roll? That's a good
guess, but again, no. You see, the weapons used to stem the tide of the undead aren't
weapons at all; they're pieces of cardboard. Specifically, they're large cutouts of famous
people's heads. At some point in the film, someone surmises that the zombies aren't
eating peoples' heads because they filled with tasty brains, but rather because zombies
fear peoples' heads, and thus they simply want to destroy them. I'm not making this up. As
a matter of fact, I find this idea so ridiculous that I can't even write about it anymore. HEADS!
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: The zombification explanation in Hard Rock Zombies is
half-assed at best, so much so that I'm hard-pressed to explain it properly. Apparently,
Jesse reads some book set in the Middle Ages that features some sort of incantation used
for raising the dead. He composes a song around said incantation, and this of course,
causes the dead to rise (which makes me wonder which book he was reading--Canterbury
Tales, perhaps? Everyone knows that Chaucer loved zombies almost as much as he loved
satire. But, I digress.) Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), Jesse
records the song before he dies, and so Cassie is able to use it to reanimate him and the
band and every other corpse within a 5-mile radius. The moral of this is clear: never record
anything.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": There's a veritable shitload of zombie uniqueness on display in
Hard Rock Zombies. Aside from the obvious "zombies hate heads" angle, there's also the
fact that in this film, several of the zombies are protagonists. Somehow, this works; I say
'somehow', because the last film that I saw that tried this was the execrable Dead Heat, a
film so bad that it killed my pet Goldfish. Anyways, in addition to these things, I should also
mention that Hard Rock Zombies features a Nazi zombie midget eating an entire cow by
himself. Something tells me that I'll never see that again in any type of movie.
Score: 5
Zombie Consistency: I guess the zombies in this film are consistent, in the sense that
Jesse and his friends are just as lame and shitty a band when they're (un)dead as they
were when they were alive. Bravo.
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: I'm not sure this film has a signature zombie, unless you count the
hilarious midget zombie that eats himself. Let's go ahead and say that he is the signature
and move on, shall we?
Score: 3
Total Points: 88
Verdict: Hard Rock Zombies, as a movie, is bad, but as I've said, it knows that it's bad,
which makes it good. It also makes it better than something that doesn't know it's anything
at all, you know? I mean, as anyone can tell you, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind
zombie. Wait, what? If you like zombies and/or having a good time all the time, you'll enjoy
this movie, that's all I'm really trying to say.
Next Time: Nightmare City
early in the film, and I'm still not sure what the fuck he was talking about. Then again, that's
true of a lot of the dialogue in Hard Rock Zombies. For example, at one point, while Jesse
is signing a girl's breast, one of his bandmates tells him, "Don't dot the 'i' too hard." Initially
that's funny in a euphemistic kind of way, but now that I think about it, I don't even know what
it means. Additionally, there's the first meeting between Jesse and Cassie; they're
supposed to basically fall in love at first sight, and yet, what does Jesse say to Cassie to
illustrate this during their initial meeting? "You're neat." That's just sad, and yes, baffling.
Still, Hard Rock Zombies does have some quality lines in it, one of my favorites being when
a police officer smells a zombie in the backseat; not realizing that he's smelling a zombie,
he asks his passenger, "Did you fart?" I've always wondered what zombies smell like, and
now I know--they smell like the cheese after it's been cut. Good to know. Ultimately, I think
the coveted best line prize goes to the woman who, as she's holding her husband's
severed head in her hands, asks him, "Are you OK?" That's comedy, right there.
Score: 3
Intangibles: I've got to be honest with you: it's watching movies like this that make this job
worthwhile. Sure, the overall quality of the film sucks, but it knows that it sucks, and that self-
awareness turns what could have been a soul-crushing waste of time into a pretty fun
movie to watch, as long as you have alcohol nearby. What I'm saying is this: if you can't
enjoy a murderous Nazi chasing a mulletted rock star with a weed whacker, then you have
no business hanging out at ZombieTastic. Harsh, but true.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: I guess that some of the zombies in this film are believable, but alas,
Jesse and his band, the stars of the movie, really aren't. This is because after they've taken
their revenge on their killers (more on this in the next category), they don't wander around
the countryside looking for people to eat, like all good zombies should. No, they go to the
local rock club and play a full set. Honestly, what kind of self-respecting zombie would play
rock music when there are brains to be eaten?
Score: 2
Zombie Attack Scenes: Hard Rock Zombies features multiple zombie attack scenes, the
best of which is the awesome montage after Jesse and the band are reanimated--as we
see them killing the people who originally killed them, these images are juxtaposed with
the scenes of them getting killed in the first place. This is even more Zen than the other
Zen-like thing that I mentioned earlier in this review. I mean, there hasn't been a
succession of images this stunning since the fall of the Berlin Wall and/or that one
super-hot Jenna Jameson porn I once watched. 'Wow', that's all I have to say.
Score: 4
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There's a somewhat decent zombie orgy scene that takes place in
the streets of Grand Guignol towards the end of the film; alas, it loses major points
because it's accompanied by, for some reason, jump-cuts of a zombie woman dancing by
herself in an intersection. Trust me--it's as annoying and stupid as it sounds.
Score: 2
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: Perhaps the lamest component of Hard Rock Zombies is the
weaponry used to combat the zombies. Machine guns? No. Machetes? Nyet.
Flamethrowers? Not even close. The sweet sounds of rock and roll? That's a good
guess, but again, no. You see, the weapons used to stem the tide of the undead aren't
weapons at all; they're pieces of cardboard. Specifically, they're large cutouts of famous
people's heads. At some point in the film, someone surmises that the zombies aren't
eating peoples' heads because they filled with tasty brains, but rather because zombies
fear peoples' heads, and thus they simply want to destroy them. I'm not making this up. As
a matter of fact, I find this idea so ridiculous that I can't even write about it anymore. HEADS!
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: The zombification explanation in Hard Rock Zombies is
half-assed at best, so much so that I'm hard-pressed to explain it properly. Apparently,
Jesse reads some book set in the Middle Ages that features some sort of incantation used
for raising the dead. He composes a song around said incantation, and this of course,
causes the dead to rise (which makes me wonder which book he was reading--Canterbury
Tales, perhaps? Everyone knows that Chaucer loved zombies almost as much as he loved
satire. But, I digress.) Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), Jesse
records the song before he dies, and so Cassie is able to use it to reanimate him and the
band and every other corpse within a 5-mile radius. The moral of this is clear: never record
anything.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": There's a veritable shitload of zombie uniqueness on display in
Hard Rock Zombies. Aside from the obvious "zombies hate heads" angle, there's also the
fact that in this film, several of the zombies are protagonists. Somehow, this works; I say
'somehow', because the last film that I saw that tried this was the execrable Dead Heat, a
film so bad that it killed my pet Goldfish. Anyways, in addition to these things, I should also
mention that Hard Rock Zombies features a Nazi zombie midget eating an entire cow by
himself. Something tells me that I'll never see that again in any type of movie.
Score: 5
Zombie Consistency: I guess the zombies in this film are consistent, in the sense that
Jesse and his friends are just as lame and shitty a band when they're (un)dead as they
were when they were alive. Bravo.
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: I'm not sure this film has a signature zombie, unless you count the
hilarious midget zombie that eats himself. Let's go ahead and say that he is the signature
and move on, shall we?
Score: 3
Total Points: 88
Verdict: Hard Rock Zombies, as a movie, is bad, but as I've said, it knows that it's bad,
which makes it good. It also makes it better than something that doesn't know it's anything
at all, you know? I mean, as anyone can tell you, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind
zombie. Wait, what? If you like zombies and/or having a good time all the time, you'll enjoy
this movie, that's all I'm really trying to say.
Next Time: Nightmare City
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