The ZombieTastic Review of:
The Dead Next Door
The Dead Next Door
Director: J.R. Bookwalter
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Zombie Religo-Satire
Also Known as: N/A
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: Inside a ramshackle old house, a doctor or scientist, who also may or may not be
mad, creates a virus that causes the dead to rise and consume the living. For some
reason, said ramshackle old house remains intact even after zombies overrun the world,
as do the notes of the mad doctor and/or scientist; some time after creating the
aforementioned virus, a "crack" group of "specialists" known as the Zombie Squad arrive at
the house to find the notes in order to rid the world of zombies, once and for all. I should
mention at this point that this movie is reasonably straightforward, so I honestly don't know
why it took me so long to spit out this plot synopsis. Cut me some slack, alright?
Score: 3
Exposition: The only real exposition in The Dead Next Door occurs during the film's
opening credits, when some of the things that I explained in the previous category are also
explained, although in a much more coherent and succinct fashion. Kudos to the makers
of The Dead Next Door for keeping their exposition short and to the point. After all, it's not
for nothing that there's an old German proverb that states, "you should always keep your
exposition short and to the point."
Score: 4
Plausibility: Alas, as good as the makers of The Dead Next Door are at limiting their film's
exposition, they're equally bad at making many of the events contained within plausible.
Now, don't get me wrong: I have no problem with the main concept of the film, i.e. of
someone creating zombies, and then having the zombies infest the world, and then having
a group called the Zombie Squad formed to eliminate such an infestation. What I have a
problem with are some of the finer points of the film, as such points are what sidetrack the
proceedings somewhat. For example, when we (the viewers) are taken inside the Zombie
Squad headquarters/barracks, what are most of the members of the zombie squad doing
in their rec room? I'll tell you (else why would I have asked that question?): they're sitting
around watching Evil Dead. I'm sure that this was put in simply to pay homage to a classic
horror film (and also to Sam Raimi, who apparently contributed advice and/or money to the
production), but the problem is that it's totally distracting; honestly, am I crazy for thinking
that if you spent the bulk of your waking hours engaged in mortal combat with the undead
(is that an oxymoron? I'm not sure...), the very last thing that you would want to do with your
spare time would be to watch them on TV? It could be argued that you might want to watch
movies with zombies in them for research purposes, and I guess I would have to agree
with that, but the problem is that in The Dead Next Door, the members of the Zombie Squad
aren't watching Evil Dead for any reason other than for entertainment, and again, this
makes no sense to me. Do you think that, after a day of banging complete strangers, your
average porn actor goes home and watches a pornographic film to relax? I seriously
fucking hope not. The only thing sadder that I could think of would be the kitchen staff of a
Burger King spending their off-hours eating Quarter Pounders (yes, I know that the Quarter
Pounder is a McDonald's sandwich--I'm simply trying to make a point about people
employed in the fast food burger industry spending their free time at a fast food burger joint,
you dig? As I said earlier: cut me some slack, Jack.)
As if this Evil Dead nonsense weren't enough, there's also the fact that throughout the film,
the members of the Zombie Squad are UNBELIEVABLY casual around the living dead.
That's right, I said "unbelievably" in all-caps, so you know I'm serious. I would wager that at
least half of the people that are in eaten in the film by zombies are consumed because they
have their heads up their asses when standing around zombies, and make no effort to put
any distance between them, and/or be on their guard. Seriously, I exercise more caution
around my pet cat, and he's been dead and stuffed since the late '90's.
I could go on, but I'm tired and my fingers hurt, so I think I'll just move on to the next category.
Score: 3
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Zombie Religo-Satire
Also Known as: N/A
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: Inside a ramshackle old house, a doctor or scientist, who also may or may not be
mad, creates a virus that causes the dead to rise and consume the living. For some
reason, said ramshackle old house remains intact even after zombies overrun the world,
as do the notes of the mad doctor and/or scientist; some time after creating the
aforementioned virus, a "crack" group of "specialists" known as the Zombie Squad arrive at
the house to find the notes in order to rid the world of zombies, once and for all. I should
mention at this point that this movie is reasonably straightforward, so I honestly don't know
why it took me so long to spit out this plot synopsis. Cut me some slack, alright?
Score: 3
Exposition: The only real exposition in The Dead Next Door occurs during the film's
opening credits, when some of the things that I explained in the previous category are also
explained, although in a much more coherent and succinct fashion. Kudos to the makers
of The Dead Next Door for keeping their exposition short and to the point. After all, it's not
for nothing that there's an old German proverb that states, "you should always keep your
exposition short and to the point."
Score: 4
Plausibility: Alas, as good as the makers of The Dead Next Door are at limiting their film's
exposition, they're equally bad at making many of the events contained within plausible.
Now, don't get me wrong: I have no problem with the main concept of the film, i.e. of
someone creating zombies, and then having the zombies infest the world, and then having
a group called the Zombie Squad formed to eliminate such an infestation. What I have a
problem with are some of the finer points of the film, as such points are what sidetrack the
proceedings somewhat. For example, when we (the viewers) are taken inside the Zombie
Squad headquarters/barracks, what are most of the members of the zombie squad doing
in their rec room? I'll tell you (else why would I have asked that question?): they're sitting
around watching Evil Dead. I'm sure that this was put in simply to pay homage to a classic
horror film (and also to Sam Raimi, who apparently contributed advice and/or money to the
production), but the problem is that it's totally distracting; honestly, am I crazy for thinking
that if you spent the bulk of your waking hours engaged in mortal combat with the undead
(is that an oxymoron? I'm not sure...), the very last thing that you would want to do with your
spare time would be to watch them on TV? It could be argued that you might want to watch
movies with zombies in them for research purposes, and I guess I would have to agree
with that, but the problem is that in The Dead Next Door, the members of the Zombie Squad
aren't watching Evil Dead for any reason other than for entertainment, and again, this
makes no sense to me. Do you think that, after a day of banging complete strangers, your
average porn actor goes home and watches a pornographic film to relax? I seriously
fucking hope not. The only thing sadder that I could think of would be the kitchen staff of a
Burger King spending their off-hours eating Quarter Pounders (yes, I know that the Quarter
Pounder is a McDonald's sandwich--I'm simply trying to make a point about people
employed in the fast food burger industry spending their free time at a fast food burger joint,
you dig? As I said earlier: cut me some slack, Jack.)
As if this Evil Dead nonsense weren't enough, there's also the fact that throughout the film,
the members of the Zombie Squad are UNBELIEVABLY casual around the living dead.
That's right, I said "unbelievably" in all-caps, so you know I'm serious. I would wager that at
least half of the people that are in eaten in the film by zombies are consumed because they
have their heads up their asses when standing around zombies, and make no effort to put
any distance between them, and/or be on their guard. Seriously, I exercise more caution
around my pet cat, and he's been dead and stuffed since the late '90's.
I could go on, but I'm tired and my fingers hurt, so I think I'll just move on to the next category.
Score: 3
| The Zombie Squad: Ineptitude in action! |
Production Value: Seeing as how The Dead Next Door is a low budget, independent
feature, the production values aren't overly high. My main quibble with the production value
would probably center around the fact that throughout the movie, the audio track often
doesn't match-up to the action on the screen, so you feel like you're watching the movie in
the future--not, however, in an awesome Planet of the Apes kind of way, but rather in a
depressing Battle for the Planet of the Apes kind of way. Additionally, this film features the
fakest looking grenades ever captured on celluloid or video or whatever the hell they shot
this thing on. Still, I refuse to be overly harsh in this category; considering the (small)
amount of money (and experience) that J.R. Bookwalter et al probably had available while
making this film, they deserve high marks for making the movie work and for having it not, in
general, look like amateur hour. Seriously--as I'll get to later, the makeup effects are
certainly passable, the movie itself is entertaining enough, and if nothing else, the effort put
in to making the location shots in Washington D.C. (at the White House, the Reflecting
Pool, and the Washington Monument) is definitely worthy of praise. Let me sum up this
category this way: if George Lucas were as good at getting value from a dollar as J.R.
Bookwalter, then The Phantom Menace would have ruled, and Jar Jar would have been
possibly the greatest character ever created in the history of films. Does that make sense?
I hope so, because I'm not going to explain myself any further.
Score: 2
Special Effects: Early on in The Dead Next Door, we're treated to an Evil Dead-like
"perspective zoom cam"; fortunately this is only done once. Aside from that, there aren't
really any 'special effects' to speak of in the film, probably due to the aforementioned
presumed lack of budget. Unfortunately, The Dead Next Door, much like the previously
reviewed Hard Rock Zombies, suffers from the "off camera violence effect", although in a
much more limited fashion; this means, of course, that in some of the instances of
someone being attacked in the film, the violence occurs off-camera, and the only way that
you really know something "bad" is happening is because you see whatever person or
object that was next to the person when the attack started become hosed down in blood.
Still, as I say, such off-camera shenanigans don't occur too often. And, at least the film
features at least one kick-ass special effect: towards the end of the proceedings, Jason, the
zombie son of The Dead Next Door's main antagonist (aside from the zombies, of course),
Reverend Jones, gets a dose of some anti-zombie serum, and decomposes before our
eyes in a fantastic display of blood, guts, and squirting pus--a process that I'm guessing
bears a striking resemblance to what it would look like if Joan Rivers stopped having
human growth hormone injected into her eyeballs twice a day. Yeah.
Score: 2
Makeup: As I just mentioned, the makeup in The Dead Next Door is pretty good; that's a
little vague, but it has a much nicer ring to it than "the makeup isn't great but it's actually
better than what I've seen in a lot of zombie films, which is impressive when you consider
that many of these were studio-produced features", don't you think? I hope so, because
that's all I have to say here.
Score: 2
feature, the production values aren't overly high. My main quibble with the production value
would probably center around the fact that throughout the movie, the audio track often
doesn't match-up to the action on the screen, so you feel like you're watching the movie in
the future--not, however, in an awesome Planet of the Apes kind of way, but rather in a
depressing Battle for the Planet of the Apes kind of way. Additionally, this film features the
fakest looking grenades ever captured on celluloid or video or whatever the hell they shot
this thing on. Still, I refuse to be overly harsh in this category; considering the (small)
amount of money (and experience) that J.R. Bookwalter et al probably had available while
making this film, they deserve high marks for making the movie work and for having it not, in
general, look like amateur hour. Seriously--as I'll get to later, the makeup effects are
certainly passable, the movie itself is entertaining enough, and if nothing else, the effort put
in to making the location shots in Washington D.C. (at the White House, the Reflecting
Pool, and the Washington Monument) is definitely worthy of praise. Let me sum up this
category this way: if George Lucas were as good at getting value from a dollar as J.R.
Bookwalter, then The Phantom Menace would have ruled, and Jar Jar would have been
possibly the greatest character ever created in the history of films. Does that make sense?
I hope so, because I'm not going to explain myself any further.
Score: 2
Special Effects: Early on in The Dead Next Door, we're treated to an Evil Dead-like
"perspective zoom cam"; fortunately this is only done once. Aside from that, there aren't
really any 'special effects' to speak of in the film, probably due to the aforementioned
presumed lack of budget. Unfortunately, The Dead Next Door, much like the previously
reviewed Hard Rock Zombies, suffers from the "off camera violence effect", although in a
much more limited fashion; this means, of course, that in some of the instances of
someone being attacked in the film, the violence occurs off-camera, and the only way that
you really know something "bad" is happening is because you see whatever person or
object that was next to the person when the attack started become hosed down in blood.
Still, as I say, such off-camera shenanigans don't occur too often. And, at least the film
features at least one kick-ass special effect: towards the end of the proceedings, Jason, the
zombie son of The Dead Next Door's main antagonist (aside from the zombies, of course),
Reverend Jones, gets a dose of some anti-zombie serum, and decomposes before our
eyes in a fantastic display of blood, guts, and squirting pus--a process that I'm guessing
bears a striking resemblance to what it would look like if Joan Rivers stopped having
human growth hormone injected into her eyeballs twice a day. Yeah.
Score: 2
Makeup: As I just mentioned, the makeup in The Dead Next Door is pretty good; that's a
little vague, but it has a much nicer ring to it than "the makeup isn't great but it's actually
better than what I've seen in a lot of zombie films, which is impressive when you consider
that many of these were studio-produced features", don't you think? I hope so, because
that's all I have to say here.
Score: 2
| Hey, this zombie at least looks better than any of the ones in City of the Living Dead. |
Scariness: I'm not sure if it's because Sam Raimi contributed advice to the makers of this
film or not, but the fact of the matter is that The Dead Next Door isn't very scary. I'll tell you
what's scary: that despite that, this movie is still better than half of the "professionally" made
zombie movies that I've seen. Creepy, eh?
Score: 1
Goriness: To its credit, The Dead Next Door features a rather large amount of gore. I mean,
there's more of it in the opening credits than there is in your average zombie movie.
Personally, my favorite gore-related effect comes when a severed zombie head bites the
fingers off of one of the members of the Zombie Squad, and what with his head being
severed and all, you see the fingers pop out of the bottom of his gaping neck hole (that's a
medical term) (also, do you see now what I'm saying about the ridiculous casualness of the
Zombie Squad? They're supposed to be the protectors of the human race, yet they can't
even be in a room with a severed fucking zombie head without losing a few fingers?
Whatever.) Ultimately, like any zombie movie worth its salt, The Dead Next Door features a
couple of classic "tear apart a dude's chest and then treat it like the hot bar at the
Ponderosa" scenes, which are enjoyable to say the least. So there you have it: if you can't
give your audience thrills, give them buckets of gore. This principle has worked for Barbara
Streisand for years, why shouldn't it work for zombie movies, too?
Score: 4
Final Scene: After one of the main members of the Zombie Squad becomes zombified, we
see the gorgeous Zombie Squad logo spray-painted to read, "The Human Squad."
Delicious irony? You bet--it's the deliciousest. The Entenmann's of irony, if you will. Yeah.
Score: 3
Comedy: Remember the 'exposition over the opening credits' that I mentioned earlier?
Essentially what that is is a very serious news reporter giving us a very serious news report
about the spread of the zombie plague and the declaration of martial law. After setting the
stage and getting us up to speed on what's happening in the film, he then informs us that
"The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son won't be shown at their regular times this evening."
That should tell you all you need to know about the comedy on display in The Dead Next
Door, and if it doesn't, well too bad.
Score: 3
Originality: While The Dead Next Door is, like many independent features, derivative in a
variety of ways, it actually does quite well on the originality front. First and foremost, most of
its action takes place in scenic Akron, Ohio. Can you think of any other movie, zombie or
otherwise, about which this can be said? I didn't think so. Secondly, the film features an
amusing sub-plot of pro-zombie activists who regularly picket the headquarters of the
Zombie Squad, even though this means that at one point, they're actually set on by the very
zombies on whose behalf they're demonstrating. I guarantee you that if the dead actually
did start to walk, pausing now and again to eat people, there'd be a pro-zombie group
formed faster than you can say "political action committee". Thirdly, there's also the issue
of religion raised in this film, specifically how the character of Reverend Jones uses the
zombie plague for his own ends. Again, I guarantee you that the very minute that zombies
rose from the grave and started treating humanity like a walking buffet, there would be
religious types on television exploiting the situation. Additionally, there's a human character
in the film who guides a zombie around on a leash like a handler does with an animal; he's
sort of like the Siegfried and/or Roy of zombie shepherding, minus the white jumpsuit and
raging homosexuality. Personally, I've always wondered why baddies in zombie movies
didn't try to use zombies as personal attack animals. Then again, I'm a very disturbed
person. Ultimately what I'm saying is this: for as goofy as The Dead Next Door is, it
features several original elements.
That being said, it must be pointed out that the film succumbs to the worn-out custom of
naming a number of its characters after horror-film icons. Fortunately there are only a few
instances of this; but, in addition to it being cliché, it also distracted me from the movie for a
while, because it had me wondering: is it worse to have a character named after you in a
film or to not have a character named after you in a film wherein this sort of thing is going
on? On the one hand, if you do have a character named after you, the odds are that you
then have to endure watching a fat, untalented wanker answer to your name for about an
hour and a half. That's got to be a humbling experience. On the other hand, if you're a
famous horror movie person and you're watching a film in which characters are named
after your peers, but your name never shows up, that's got to be seriously depressing.
Such an experience would probably make you act like Sean Penn, i.e. you'd probably feel
compelled to get utterly drunk and then go looking for someone to punch in the face. That
wouldn't be a good thing.
To sum up: The Dead Next Door does a number of interesting, unique things, but it also
has the potential to turn a number of lesser directors into sociopaths, and its got to lose a
couple of points for that.
Score: 3
Rewatchability: Would I watch The Dead Next Door again? You bet your Zombie
Squad-mobile I would. The gore and camp values alone would make it an enjoyable
repeat view, let alone the chance to spend more time watching footage of Akron. But,
during said rewatching, would I still get seriously pissed off every time I saw a member of
the Zombie Squad suffering from a severe case of rectal myopia while standing in close
proximity to the living dead? Again, you bet your Zombie Squad-mobile I would. Would
watching the movie again force me to stop posing questions to myself? How the hell
should I know?
Score: 4
Datedness: It's hard to assess the datedness of The Dead Next Door. In the one sense,
it's very dated, as virtually every character's clothing and haircut screams "80s". Then again,
it was filmed in Akron and features Ohioans, so the look doesn't necessarily tie it to a
specific era. I mean, I was in Columbus a few weeks ago, and I saw a dude wearing a
Winger shirt. Yowza.
Score: 2
Soundtrack: The music in The Dead Next Door is bland and nondescript, but at least it
doesn't sound like the synthy shit that's in most other zombie movies from this era, a
phenomenon that I've bitched about at length on this site. That being said, the movie does
feature a shocking overabundance of "be scared now" organ floods during key moments,
and for that it only gets an average score.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: Alas, The Dead Next Door features no nudity whatsoever, BUT,
instead of the customary score of 1 that tittie-less zombie films usually warrant, I'm going to
give it a 2, because frankly, I don't think I'd really want to see anyone who was in this movie
in the buff--man, woman, or zombie. In a word: yuck.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Pete Ferry as Raimi. Pete Ferry isn't a great actor, but he isn't necessarily
terrible, either. The thing is, he bears a striking resemblance to Joey Buttafuoco, so much
so that I'm not entirely convinced that he isn't Mr. Buttafuoco, so I'm going to stop talking
about him right now before I say something that causes me to get shot. I'm sure you
understand.
Score: 2
film or not, but the fact of the matter is that The Dead Next Door isn't very scary. I'll tell you
what's scary: that despite that, this movie is still better than half of the "professionally" made
zombie movies that I've seen. Creepy, eh?
Score: 1
Goriness: To its credit, The Dead Next Door features a rather large amount of gore. I mean,
there's more of it in the opening credits than there is in your average zombie movie.
Personally, my favorite gore-related effect comes when a severed zombie head bites the
fingers off of one of the members of the Zombie Squad, and what with his head being
severed and all, you see the fingers pop out of the bottom of his gaping neck hole (that's a
medical term) (also, do you see now what I'm saying about the ridiculous casualness of the
Zombie Squad? They're supposed to be the protectors of the human race, yet they can't
even be in a room with a severed fucking zombie head without losing a few fingers?
Whatever.) Ultimately, like any zombie movie worth its salt, The Dead Next Door features a
couple of classic "tear apart a dude's chest and then treat it like the hot bar at the
Ponderosa" scenes, which are enjoyable to say the least. So there you have it: if you can't
give your audience thrills, give them buckets of gore. This principle has worked for Barbara
Streisand for years, why shouldn't it work for zombie movies, too?
Score: 4
Final Scene: After one of the main members of the Zombie Squad becomes zombified, we
see the gorgeous Zombie Squad logo spray-painted to read, "The Human Squad."
Delicious irony? You bet--it's the deliciousest. The Entenmann's of irony, if you will. Yeah.
Score: 3
Comedy: Remember the 'exposition over the opening credits' that I mentioned earlier?
Essentially what that is is a very serious news reporter giving us a very serious news report
about the spread of the zombie plague and the declaration of martial law. After setting the
stage and getting us up to speed on what's happening in the film, he then informs us that
"The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son won't be shown at their regular times this evening."
That should tell you all you need to know about the comedy on display in The Dead Next
Door, and if it doesn't, well too bad.
Score: 3
Originality: While The Dead Next Door is, like many independent features, derivative in a
variety of ways, it actually does quite well on the originality front. First and foremost, most of
its action takes place in scenic Akron, Ohio. Can you think of any other movie, zombie or
otherwise, about which this can be said? I didn't think so. Secondly, the film features an
amusing sub-plot of pro-zombie activists who regularly picket the headquarters of the
Zombie Squad, even though this means that at one point, they're actually set on by the very
zombies on whose behalf they're demonstrating. I guarantee you that if the dead actually
did start to walk, pausing now and again to eat people, there'd be a pro-zombie group
formed faster than you can say "political action committee". Thirdly, there's also the issue
of religion raised in this film, specifically how the character of Reverend Jones uses the
zombie plague for his own ends. Again, I guarantee you that the very minute that zombies
rose from the grave and started treating humanity like a walking buffet, there would be
religious types on television exploiting the situation. Additionally, there's a human character
in the film who guides a zombie around on a leash like a handler does with an animal; he's
sort of like the Siegfried and/or Roy of zombie shepherding, minus the white jumpsuit and
raging homosexuality. Personally, I've always wondered why baddies in zombie movies
didn't try to use zombies as personal attack animals. Then again, I'm a very disturbed
person. Ultimately what I'm saying is this: for as goofy as The Dead Next Door is, it
features several original elements.
That being said, it must be pointed out that the film succumbs to the worn-out custom of
naming a number of its characters after horror-film icons. Fortunately there are only a few
instances of this; but, in addition to it being cliché, it also distracted me from the movie for a
while, because it had me wondering: is it worse to have a character named after you in a
film or to not have a character named after you in a film wherein this sort of thing is going
on? On the one hand, if you do have a character named after you, the odds are that you
then have to endure watching a fat, untalented wanker answer to your name for about an
hour and a half. That's got to be a humbling experience. On the other hand, if you're a
famous horror movie person and you're watching a film in which characters are named
after your peers, but your name never shows up, that's got to be seriously depressing.
Such an experience would probably make you act like Sean Penn, i.e. you'd probably feel
compelled to get utterly drunk and then go looking for someone to punch in the face. That
wouldn't be a good thing.
To sum up: The Dead Next Door does a number of interesting, unique things, but it also
has the potential to turn a number of lesser directors into sociopaths, and its got to lose a
couple of points for that.
Score: 3
Rewatchability: Would I watch The Dead Next Door again? You bet your Zombie
Squad-mobile I would. The gore and camp values alone would make it an enjoyable
repeat view, let alone the chance to spend more time watching footage of Akron. But,
during said rewatching, would I still get seriously pissed off every time I saw a member of
the Zombie Squad suffering from a severe case of rectal myopia while standing in close
proximity to the living dead? Again, you bet your Zombie Squad-mobile I would. Would
watching the movie again force me to stop posing questions to myself? How the hell
should I know?
Score: 4
Datedness: It's hard to assess the datedness of The Dead Next Door. In the one sense,
it's very dated, as virtually every character's clothing and haircut screams "80s". Then again,
it was filmed in Akron and features Ohioans, so the look doesn't necessarily tie it to a
specific era. I mean, I was in Columbus a few weeks ago, and I saw a dude wearing a
Winger shirt. Yowza.
Score: 2
Soundtrack: The music in The Dead Next Door is bland and nondescript, but at least it
doesn't sound like the synthy shit that's in most other zombie movies from this era, a
phenomenon that I've bitched about at length on this site. That being said, the movie does
feature a shocking overabundance of "be scared now" organ floods during key moments,
and for that it only gets an average score.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: Alas, The Dead Next Door features no nudity whatsoever, BUT,
instead of the customary score of 1 that tittie-less zombie films usually warrant, I'm going to
give it a 2, because frankly, I don't think I'd really want to see anyone who was in this movie
in the buff--man, woman, or zombie. In a word: yuck.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Pete Ferry as Raimi. Pete Ferry isn't a great actor, but he isn't necessarily
terrible, either. The thing is, he bears a striking resemblance to Joey Buttafuoco, so much
so that I'm not entirely convinced that he isn't Mr. Buttafuoco, so I'm going to stop talking
about him right now before I say something that causes me to get shot. I'm sure you
understand.
Score: 2
| Buttafuoco lives! |
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Jolie Jackunas as Kuller. Much as Pete Ferry resembles Joey
Buttafuoco, Jolie Jackunas resembles Kristen Johnston, except that she's shorter, and not
nearly as talented. But, if that's the worse thing that's ever said about her, her life will have
been pretty good.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: I'm conflicted with this category, because on the one hand, this film was
clearly a labor of love for everyone who worked on it, and all of the actors involved clearly
give it their all. Still, they're all definitely amateurs, there's no two ways about it.
Furthermore, throughout the film, it's seriously hard to distinguish people in costume from
regular people that just showed up on the day of the shoot "as is" and were thrown into a
scene. But, I'm a coward and don't want to stick it to people who are doing the best that they
can, so I'm copping out and calling this category down the middle. What the hell are you
going to do about it?
Score: 3
Buttafuoco, Jolie Jackunas resembles Kristen Johnston, except that she's shorter, and not
nearly as talented. But, if that's the worse thing that's ever said about her, her life will have
been pretty good.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: I'm conflicted with this category, because on the one hand, this film was
clearly a labor of love for everyone who worked on it, and all of the actors involved clearly
give it their all. Still, they're all definitely amateurs, there's no two ways about it.
Furthermore, throughout the film, it's seriously hard to distinguish people in costume from
regular people that just showed up on the day of the shoot "as is" and were thrown into a
scene. But, I'm a coward and don't want to stick it to people who are doing the best that they
can, so I'm copping out and calling this category down the middle. What the hell are you
going to do about it?
Score: 3
| Actor in a zombie film, or Ohioan on his way to see The Nuge in concert? The answer just might surprise you… |
Token Scientist: There are multiple scientists featured in The Dead Next Door, but the
main one is the central character of Dr. Moulsson, played by Bogdan Pecic. Seeing as how
I took the easy way out in terms of amateur acting criticism in the previous category, you'd
think I'd take a similar tack with regards to Mr. Pecic's acting "skills". But, you'd be wrong,
because you're obviously forgetting the fact that I'm a total hypocrite. So, let me come right
out and say it: Bogdan Pecic is an absolutely atrocious actor. Wait, that sentence wasn't
satisfying. Let me try it again, using even more alliteration: the aura exuded by Bogdan
Pecic's atrociously abominable acting is awesomely awe-inspiring , and you'll appreciate
the astute zombies for absorbing his flesh. In other words, virtually every scene that
features Dr. Moulsson is almost ruined, and you'll probably never cheer quite so actively
during a zombie film as you will during the scene in The Dead Next Door in which Dr.
Moulsson is torn apart by human-hungry ghouls.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: Sometimes, this category is hard to score because a particular zombie film
doesn't feature anyone who can be considered "fat." The Dead Next Door is hard to score
in this category, but for the diametrically opposite reason: there are too many fatties to
choose from. Let's just say that the Zombie Squad itself is the token fat guy and move on,
okay?
Score: 3
Best Line: As much as it pains me to admit it, perhaps the best line in the film is uttered by
Dr. Moulsson. I should point out, however, that the "bestness" of said piece of dialogue is
due to the line itself, rather than to the skill with which it's delivered. The line in question:
"Please leave, you're making me nauseous." I feel like any character in any scene in any
zombie movie ever made could utter these words and it would fit right in, regardless of the
situation. But, perhaps it's just me--after all, I have been sniffing glue for the last 3 hours.
At any rate, I'll admit that that line isn't great, and it has to contend with the truly execrable
line that is, "It's trying to eat us, but it doesn't have a mouth. Why? WHY?!" I probably don't
have to point out that this is uttered by a member of the Zombie Squad, i.e. a professional
zombie hunter. Shouldn't he be used to the fact that zombies eat people? Doesn't the
Zombie Squad have any sort of training regimen that its members must undergo before
becoming certified zombie killers? You know, something like, "Lesson 1: zombies eat
people--that's just the way it is"? At least the character that says this line dies shortly after
doing so, even though that doesn't fully make amends for his lameness.
Score: 2
Intangibles: The Dead Next Door features intangibles that work both for and against it. On
the one hand, as I've indicated, it's an enjoyable romp that fits well into the established
zombie film tradition without ever taking itself too seriously. On the other hand, we're
expected to root for a group called the Zombie Squad who are a bunch of out of shape
MORONS. Let me highlight their moronitude with an example: at one point, one of the
members of the Zombie Squad, the character of Mercer, gets bitten by a zombie (due to that
fucking laxity that I've touched on a number of times), meaning that he'll soon become a
zombie. Later, the character of Dr. Moulsson decides to test out his new anti-zombie serum
by giving Mercer a dose, which makes sense, right? I mean, he's going to become a
zombie anyway, so if the serum works he'll be cured, and if it doesn't, he'll die like he was
already about to do. But Raimi Buttafuoco, apparently not fucking realizing that Mercer is
already as good as dead (which is INEXCUSABLE, because he deals with zombies for a
living), freaks out on Moulsson when he learns about the administration of the serum,
telling him that if anything happens to Mercer, he'll hold Moulsson responsible. Hello,
dipshit, he's going to die anyways! What's even more maddening about this is the fact that
after all of this yelling, Raimi and company leave the area, and completely fucking forget
Mercer. RAGE. Seriously, the Zombie Squad: I haven't seen this much collective stupidity
since the 2004 election. Blargh.
Score: 2
main one is the central character of Dr. Moulsson, played by Bogdan Pecic. Seeing as how
I took the easy way out in terms of amateur acting criticism in the previous category, you'd
think I'd take a similar tack with regards to Mr. Pecic's acting "skills". But, you'd be wrong,
because you're obviously forgetting the fact that I'm a total hypocrite. So, let me come right
out and say it: Bogdan Pecic is an absolutely atrocious actor. Wait, that sentence wasn't
satisfying. Let me try it again, using even more alliteration: the aura exuded by Bogdan
Pecic's atrociously abominable acting is awesomely awe-inspiring , and you'll appreciate
the astute zombies for absorbing his flesh. In other words, virtually every scene that
features Dr. Moulsson is almost ruined, and you'll probably never cheer quite so actively
during a zombie film as you will during the scene in The Dead Next Door in which Dr.
Moulsson is torn apart by human-hungry ghouls.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: Sometimes, this category is hard to score because a particular zombie film
doesn't feature anyone who can be considered "fat." The Dead Next Door is hard to score
in this category, but for the diametrically opposite reason: there are too many fatties to
choose from. Let's just say that the Zombie Squad itself is the token fat guy and move on,
okay?
Score: 3
Best Line: As much as it pains me to admit it, perhaps the best line in the film is uttered by
Dr. Moulsson. I should point out, however, that the "bestness" of said piece of dialogue is
due to the line itself, rather than to the skill with which it's delivered. The line in question:
"Please leave, you're making me nauseous." I feel like any character in any scene in any
zombie movie ever made could utter these words and it would fit right in, regardless of the
situation. But, perhaps it's just me--after all, I have been sniffing glue for the last 3 hours.
At any rate, I'll admit that that line isn't great, and it has to contend with the truly execrable
line that is, "It's trying to eat us, but it doesn't have a mouth. Why? WHY?!" I probably don't
have to point out that this is uttered by a member of the Zombie Squad, i.e. a professional
zombie hunter. Shouldn't he be used to the fact that zombies eat people? Doesn't the
Zombie Squad have any sort of training regimen that its members must undergo before
becoming certified zombie killers? You know, something like, "Lesson 1: zombies eat
people--that's just the way it is"? At least the character that says this line dies shortly after
doing so, even though that doesn't fully make amends for his lameness.
Score: 2
Intangibles: The Dead Next Door features intangibles that work both for and against it. On
the one hand, as I've indicated, it's an enjoyable romp that fits well into the established
zombie film tradition without ever taking itself too seriously. On the other hand, we're
expected to root for a group called the Zombie Squad who are a bunch of out of shape
MORONS. Let me highlight their moronitude with an example: at one point, one of the
members of the Zombie Squad, the character of Mercer, gets bitten by a zombie (due to that
fucking laxity that I've touched on a number of times), meaning that he'll soon become a
zombie. Later, the character of Dr. Moulsson decides to test out his new anti-zombie serum
by giving Mercer a dose, which makes sense, right? I mean, he's going to become a
zombie anyway, so if the serum works he'll be cured, and if it doesn't, he'll die like he was
already about to do. But Raimi Buttafuoco, apparently not fucking realizing that Mercer is
already as good as dead (which is INEXCUSABLE, because he deals with zombies for a
living), freaks out on Moulsson when he learns about the administration of the serum,
telling him that if anything happens to Mercer, he'll hold Moulsson responsible. Hello,
dipshit, he's going to die anyways! What's even more maddening about this is the fact that
after all of this yelling, Raimi and company leave the area, and completely fucking forget
Mercer. RAGE. Seriously, the Zombie Squad: I haven't seen this much collective stupidity
since the 2004 election. Blargh.
Score: 2
| Anybody want to order a pizza? |
Zombie Believability: By and large the zombies in The Dead Next Door work--they're
reasonably cool looking and believable. Well, their appearance is; physically speaking, I'm
not sure how believable they are, considering that they can be brushed aside
like...hamsters? I don't know what to say here--what's something that's easily brushed
aside? Whatever that is, that's how the zombies are in this movie. Get it?
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: There are a myriad of minor zombie attack scenes scattered
throughout the film. Personally, my favorite one has to come when the zombies attack the
pro-zombie protestors. I'm not sure if this is because I love irony or because I love seeing
people holding signs get eaten. Either way, thumbs up.
Score: 4
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: The Dead Next Door features a couple of huge zombie orgy
scenes (and yes, I know that this sentence is redundantly written). One of these scenes
happens right at the beginning of the film, as the opening credits unfold over a zombie orgy
backdrop; I haven't enjoyed the opening of a film this much since Fight Club, and that was
mainly because during that film's credits, I discovered that the concessions guy had
screwed up and given me an extra box of Goobers for free! But, I digress. Following on this
righteous opening, the other major zombie orgy occurs towards the end of the film in the
religious compound, and culminates much like your average Bar Mitzvah: with a face being
torn off, a tongue being ripped out, and a leg being twisted off. Awesome.
Score: 5
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The Dead Next Door features the usual suspects of anti-zombie
weaponry. No, I don't mean that the characters within try to fight zombies by making them
endure the acting of Stephen Baldwin and Kevin Pollack; rather, they use the usual
suspects of anti-zombie weaponry, i.e. guns, machetes, and grenades. Although to be fair,
I should mention that at one point, a zombie is dragged by a car to his doom; generally
speaking, such a "weapon" would probably be too cumbersome to be effective on a regular
basis, but it's definitely fun to watch.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Some doctor creates some sort of virus that causes zombies to
eat people, and then some other doctors use his research to create an antidote. I think.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": Early on in this film, some zombies act like they're going to rent a
movie at a video store, but this is only a ruse, as they attack the store's owner before
showing their membership card. Have you ever seen zombies try such a thing? Me
neither. Additionally, at one point we see a zombie trying to operate a phone; not since Bub
in Day of the Dead has there been a zombie so interested in operating a common, everyday
appliance. Additionally, some of the zombies in this film have been augmented with a
device that allows them to speak; I guess this eventually produces what could only be
called, for lack of a better term, a "human zombie". Weird? Yes, but it's unique, too.
Score: 4
reasonably cool looking and believable. Well, their appearance is; physically speaking, I'm
not sure how believable they are, considering that they can be brushed aside
like...hamsters? I don't know what to say here--what's something that's easily brushed
aside? Whatever that is, that's how the zombies are in this movie. Get it?
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: There are a myriad of minor zombie attack scenes scattered
throughout the film. Personally, my favorite one has to come when the zombies attack the
pro-zombie protestors. I'm not sure if this is because I love irony or because I love seeing
people holding signs get eaten. Either way, thumbs up.
Score: 4
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: The Dead Next Door features a couple of huge zombie orgy
scenes (and yes, I know that this sentence is redundantly written). One of these scenes
happens right at the beginning of the film, as the opening credits unfold over a zombie orgy
backdrop; I haven't enjoyed the opening of a film this much since Fight Club, and that was
mainly because during that film's credits, I discovered that the concessions guy had
screwed up and given me an extra box of Goobers for free! But, I digress. Following on this
righteous opening, the other major zombie orgy occurs towards the end of the film in the
religious compound, and culminates much like your average Bar Mitzvah: with a face being
torn off, a tongue being ripped out, and a leg being twisted off. Awesome.
Score: 5
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The Dead Next Door features the usual suspects of anti-zombie
weaponry. No, I don't mean that the characters within try to fight zombies by making them
endure the acting of Stephen Baldwin and Kevin Pollack; rather, they use the usual
suspects of anti-zombie weaponry, i.e. guns, machetes, and grenades. Although to be fair,
I should mention that at one point, a zombie is dragged by a car to his doom; generally
speaking, such a "weapon" would probably be too cumbersome to be effective on a regular
basis, but it's definitely fun to watch.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Some doctor creates some sort of virus that causes zombies to
eat people, and then some other doctors use his research to create an antidote. I think.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": Early on in this film, some zombies act like they're going to rent a
movie at a video store, but this is only a ruse, as they attack the store's owner before
showing their membership card. Have you ever seen zombies try such a thing? Me
neither. Additionally, at one point we see a zombie trying to operate a phone; not since Bub
in Day of the Dead has there been a zombie so interested in operating a common, everyday
appliance. Additionally, some of the zombies in this film have been augmented with a
device that allows them to speak; I guess this eventually produces what could only be
called, for lack of a better term, a "human zombie". Weird? Yes, but it's unique, too.
Score: 4
| Zombies love phones. |
Zombie Consistency: There's a passable amount of consistency amongst the zombies in
this film. They all act more or less the same way, meaning that they are as easily brushed
aside as a ...shrew (I still haven't come up with a good ending to this analogy yet--have you
thought of anything? Let me know.) The only real instances of inconsistency stem from the
fact that some of the people who are zombies are wearing makeup to indicate this, while
others are wearing masks. That's alright at a Halloween party. In a zombie movie? Not so
much.
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: I think I'll have to go with the aforementioned Mercer as The Dead Next
Door's signature zombie. If nothing else, he has more screen time than any of the other
zombies, and as a bonus, he can think and talk, so he (a) hunts down and kills Dr.
Moulsson, and (b) is self-aware to utter the following words: "I'm a zombie now." I
commend Mercer for this: if you're going to feast on the flesh of the living, at least do it with
purpose.
Score: 4
Total Points: 86
Verdict: Yes, The Dead Next Door is an independent film in every since of that term. And
yes, most of the actors in the movie wouldn't even make the starting lineup in your local
elementary school's production of Paint Your Wagon. And yes, some of the effects and
dialogue are lame. Still, this is a quite enjoyable zombie movie overall. As I've said
multiple times, the makers of the film knew what kind of movie they were making, and The
Dead Next Door never tries to be anything that it's not. I'd be shocked if you average zombie
aficionado didn't enjoy him- or herself while watching this movie. Granted, it's never going
to make any Top Ten Zombie Movies Ever list, but it's still a worthy addition to the genre,
and it also reminds us that if everyone made their zombie movies with this much
enthusiasm and commitment, the world would be a better place. For watching zombie
movies, that is. Additionally, the movie gives the viewer one thing that's in short supply in
this world: hope. How does it do this? By teaching us that if the slow-witted,
poorly-conditioned members of Zombie Squad can survive in the face of overwhelming
numbers of zombies, we'd all probably be able to do so as well if such a thing ever came to
pass. I take comfort in that.
Next Time: All Souls Day
this film. They all act more or less the same way, meaning that they are as easily brushed
aside as a ...shrew (I still haven't come up with a good ending to this analogy yet--have you
thought of anything? Let me know.) The only real instances of inconsistency stem from the
fact that some of the people who are zombies are wearing makeup to indicate this, while
others are wearing masks. That's alright at a Halloween party. In a zombie movie? Not so
much.
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: I think I'll have to go with the aforementioned Mercer as The Dead Next
Door's signature zombie. If nothing else, he has more screen time than any of the other
zombies, and as a bonus, he can think and talk, so he (a) hunts down and kills Dr.
Moulsson, and (b) is self-aware to utter the following words: "I'm a zombie now." I
commend Mercer for this: if you're going to feast on the flesh of the living, at least do it with
purpose.
Score: 4
Total Points: 86
Verdict: Yes, The Dead Next Door is an independent film in every since of that term. And
yes, most of the actors in the movie wouldn't even make the starting lineup in your local
elementary school's production of Paint Your Wagon. And yes, some of the effects and
dialogue are lame. Still, this is a quite enjoyable zombie movie overall. As I've said
multiple times, the makers of the film knew what kind of movie they were making, and The
Dead Next Door never tries to be anything that it's not. I'd be shocked if you average zombie
aficionado didn't enjoy him- or herself while watching this movie. Granted, it's never going
to make any Top Ten Zombie Movies Ever list, but it's still a worthy addition to the genre,
and it also reminds us that if everyone made their zombie movies with this much
enthusiasm and commitment, the world would be a better place. For watching zombie
movies, that is. Additionally, the movie gives the viewer one thing that's in short supply in
this world: hope. How does it do this? By teaching us that if the slow-witted,
poorly-conditioned members of Zombie Squad can survive in the face of overwhelming
numbers of zombies, we'd all probably be able to do so as well if such a thing ever came to
pass. I take comfort in that.
Next Time: All Souls Day
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