The ZombieTastic Review of:
All Souls Day
All Souls Day
Director: Jeremy Kasten
Year of Release: 2005
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Vacation gone bad.
Also Known as: All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: November the first is, of course, the Day of the Dead--a day of fun and joy for all--fun
and joy for all, that is, except the residents of Santa Juanita, who have to sacrifice Mexican
women without tongues on that day or risk being eaten by zombies. Make sense? Good.
Score: 3
Exposition: There's only one real exposition scene in All Souls Day; while such a limited
number of expository scenes (that number being one, in case you weren't paying attention)
is commendable, the fact is that this scene drags on and on and on, as the character of
Martia blathers something about the Day of the Dead. I stopped paying attention, so I'm not
really sure what she said, but I'm 99% certain that (a) it was exposition and (b) you could
have figured it out whatever she was saying on your own.
With that in mind, I must admit that I'm seriously confused by the fact that the film would
spend time on plot exposition while also making the viewer do math on his/her own. What I
mean is, as All Souls Day begins, we are informed that it's the year 1892; we're then told in
the next scene that it's now the year 1952; however, in the scene following this, we're told
that it's now "53 years later." What the fuck? You couldn't afford to print "2005", but you
could afford to waste our time with exposition? I think I speak for everyone when I say,
"BULLSHIT."
Score: 2
Plausibility: All Souls Day suffers from more plausibility gaps than a Scott McClellan
press-briefing. For starters, at about the 3:15 mark in the film, a point in which the
on-screen action is taking place in 1892, I'm pretty sure one of the characters is wearing a
pair of Ray-Bans (see the picture below for shocking evidence of this.) Additionally, a few
moments later in the film, numerous taillights are visible behind a car traveling in what is
ostensibly supposed to be the middle of nowhere. Here's a handy rule of thumb: if your
town is situated just off a heavily-traveled Interstate and/or if your town has its own Waffle
House, it can't appropriately be described as being "in the middle of nowhere", okay? Okay.
(For the record: at no point in All Souls Day do any of the characters themselves say that
the town is in the middle of nowhere; I'm just saying that the film's action and the story's
set-up imply that this is the case, and given the desolate-look that the town is given, it
seems to me a safe assumption that this is what the producers of the film were going for:
full-on middle of nowhere-ness.)
Then, there are numerous instances of chicanery inside the film's main place of action, the
hotel. First of all, anyone who walks into a hotel and sees a girl on her knees scrubbing up
a large pile of blood and still decides to stay in said hotel deserves whatever gruesome fate
awaits him/her. Secondly, if you were staying in a hotel for just one night, would you unpack
all of your clothes and put them into the dresser in your room? No, you wouldn't, unless you
were INSANE.
Lastly, there's the implausibility of the character of Erica during her zombie ass-kicking
scenes. Apparently, one can be a level 7 ninja and a complete airhead cheerleader at the
same time. Whatever.
Alright, in regards to that last point, let me say this: I hope that simultaneously being a
karate master and a pom-pom wielding spirit queen is implausible; otherwise, based on
the gravity-defying combat moves displayed by Erica, I now have to put cheerleaders
alongside 'the Wu-Tang Clan', 'soccer hooligans', and 'people driving SUVs whilst talking
on cell phones' on my list of things to be really, really afraid of.
Score: 2
Year of Release: 2005
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Vacation gone bad.
Also Known as: All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: November the first is, of course, the Day of the Dead--a day of fun and joy for all--fun
and joy for all, that is, except the residents of Santa Juanita, who have to sacrifice Mexican
women without tongues on that day or risk being eaten by zombies. Make sense? Good.
Score: 3
Exposition: There's only one real exposition scene in All Souls Day; while such a limited
number of expository scenes (that number being one, in case you weren't paying attention)
is commendable, the fact is that this scene drags on and on and on, as the character of
Martia blathers something about the Day of the Dead. I stopped paying attention, so I'm not
really sure what she said, but I'm 99% certain that (a) it was exposition and (b) you could
have figured it out whatever she was saying on your own.
With that in mind, I must admit that I'm seriously confused by the fact that the film would
spend time on plot exposition while also making the viewer do math on his/her own. What I
mean is, as All Souls Day begins, we are informed that it's the year 1892; we're then told in
the next scene that it's now the year 1952; however, in the scene following this, we're told
that it's now "53 years later." What the fuck? You couldn't afford to print "2005", but you
could afford to waste our time with exposition? I think I speak for everyone when I say,
"BULLSHIT."
Score: 2
Plausibility: All Souls Day suffers from more plausibility gaps than a Scott McClellan
press-briefing. For starters, at about the 3:15 mark in the film, a point in which the
on-screen action is taking place in 1892, I'm pretty sure one of the characters is wearing a
pair of Ray-Bans (see the picture below for shocking evidence of this.) Additionally, a few
moments later in the film, numerous taillights are visible behind a car traveling in what is
ostensibly supposed to be the middle of nowhere. Here's a handy rule of thumb: if your
town is situated just off a heavily-traveled Interstate and/or if your town has its own Waffle
House, it can't appropriately be described as being "in the middle of nowhere", okay? Okay.
(For the record: at no point in All Souls Day do any of the characters themselves say that
the town is in the middle of nowhere; I'm just saying that the film's action and the story's
set-up imply that this is the case, and given the desolate-look that the town is given, it
seems to me a safe assumption that this is what the producers of the film were going for:
full-on middle of nowhere-ness.)
Then, there are numerous instances of chicanery inside the film's main place of action, the
hotel. First of all, anyone who walks into a hotel and sees a girl on her knees scrubbing up
a large pile of blood and still decides to stay in said hotel deserves whatever gruesome fate
awaits him/her. Secondly, if you were staying in a hotel for just one night, would you unpack
all of your clothes and put them into the dresser in your room? No, you wouldn't, unless you
were INSANE.
Lastly, there's the implausibility of the character of Erica during her zombie ass-kicking
scenes. Apparently, one can be a level 7 ninja and a complete airhead cheerleader at the
same time. Whatever.
Alright, in regards to that last point, let me say this: I hope that simultaneously being a
karate master and a pom-pom wielding spirit queen is implausible; otherwise, based on
the gravity-defying combat moves displayed by Erica, I now have to put cheerleaders
alongside 'the Wu-Tang Clan', 'soccer hooligans', and 'people driving SUVs whilst talking
on cell phones' on my list of things to be really, really afraid of.
Score: 2
| 1892, my ass--those are Ray-Bans, aren't they? AREN'T THEY? |
Production Value: Let me describe the production values of All Souls Day this way: even
though the film was essentially straight to video, it looks like it took a few detours. Get it?
Do you see what I mean? Good.
Score: 3
Special Effects: All Souls Day, like many low-budget zombie movies, suffers from the
"horrors of off camera action" syndrome, whereby anything that happens during the course
of the film that could be visually awesome occurs just out of the camera's field of vision, and
the viewer is instead treated to the (obviously much cheaper) reactions of one of the film's
characters. Additionally, at one point in the film, we see a large pool of blood that bears
more of resemblance to the Blob from that movie, The Blob, than it does to blood. While
these things are bummers, at least the film keeps one's attention by making use of a variety
of zooms, odd camera angles, and interesting lighting effects. So in this sense, I guess
watching All Souls Day is kind of like going to an Alice Cooper show--sure, the quality of the
content is marginal, but at the very least it's entertaining.
Score: 2
though the film was essentially straight to video, it looks like it took a few detours. Get it?
Do you see what I mean? Good.
Score: 3
Special Effects: All Souls Day, like many low-budget zombie movies, suffers from the
"horrors of off camera action" syndrome, whereby anything that happens during the course
of the film that could be visually awesome occurs just out of the camera's field of vision, and
the viewer is instead treated to the (obviously much cheaper) reactions of one of the film's
characters. Additionally, at one point in the film, we see a large pool of blood that bears
more of resemblance to the Blob from that movie, The Blob, than it does to blood. While
these things are bummers, at least the film keeps one's attention by making use of a variety
of zooms, odd camera angles, and interesting lighting effects. So in this sense, I guess
watching All Souls Day is kind of like going to an Alice Cooper show--sure, the quality of the
content is marginal, but at the very least it's entertaining.
Score: 2
| The Blob, or blood? Either way, it's going to be a bitch to clean up. |
Makeup: Overall the makeup work in All Souls Day is very well done--great care was
obviously given to the crafting of the living dead, and virtually every zombie in the film has its
own unique look. Furthermore, the zombies actually look like corpses risen from the grave,
and not struggling actors trying to get their SAG card by wearing shoddily applied blue face
paint and stumbling around in a scene or two. All of that being said, it's often hard to see
the makeup in All Souls Day, because a lot of the zombies spend their screen time wearing
Day of the Dead masks. I personally found this to be very confusing, because what it boiled
down to was a dead person wearing a mask to look like a dead person. Isn't this, like, a
double-negative or something? Wouldn't this mean that a zombie wearing a Day of the
Dead mask is more human than a human wearing a Day of the Dead mask? I have no
idea, but I am quite certain that I'd rather have a zombie wear a Day of the Dead mask than I
would a mask from that old cartoon M.A.S.K. Remember that show? I always thought that it
was pretty underrated. Hmmm, I see that I've wandered far off-track, here. What were we
talking about? I have no idea. Let's just move on to the next category, shall we?
Score: 4
Scariness: All Souls Day comes up pretty short in the scares department. That being said,
there is at least one scene which is truly chilling: as the character of Lilly White settles down
to take a bath, she closes her eyes, only to notice that the water level in the bathtub is
decreasing. Looking down, she sees that the bathtub's drain plug has been removed.
Subsequently, she discovers that the plug in question has somehow ended up on the
bathroom counter. The sheer horrifying horrific-ness of this is brought home with an
extreme close-up of the drain plug in question. Not since Nightmare City's infamous
"lawnmower driving itself" sequence has a zombie movie featured such a chilling scene
involving an inanimate object (and yes, that statement even applies to Zombie Sluts with
Dildos.) Alas, ultimately this mysterious "de-drain plugging" scene isn't enough to
compensate for the lack of scares in the rest of All Souls Day, but, it's better than nothing,
right? Don't answer that.
Score: 2
obviously given to the crafting of the living dead, and virtually every zombie in the film has its
own unique look. Furthermore, the zombies actually look like corpses risen from the grave,
and not struggling actors trying to get their SAG card by wearing shoddily applied blue face
paint and stumbling around in a scene or two. All of that being said, it's often hard to see
the makeup in All Souls Day, because a lot of the zombies spend their screen time wearing
Day of the Dead masks. I personally found this to be very confusing, because what it boiled
down to was a dead person wearing a mask to look like a dead person. Isn't this, like, a
double-negative or something? Wouldn't this mean that a zombie wearing a Day of the
Dead mask is more human than a human wearing a Day of the Dead mask? I have no
idea, but I am quite certain that I'd rather have a zombie wear a Day of the Dead mask than I
would a mask from that old cartoon M.A.S.K. Remember that show? I always thought that it
was pretty underrated. Hmmm, I see that I've wandered far off-track, here. What were we
talking about? I have no idea. Let's just move on to the next category, shall we?
Score: 4
Scariness: All Souls Day comes up pretty short in the scares department. That being said,
there is at least one scene which is truly chilling: as the character of Lilly White settles down
to take a bath, she closes her eyes, only to notice that the water level in the bathtub is
decreasing. Looking down, she sees that the bathtub's drain plug has been removed.
Subsequently, she discovers that the plug in question has somehow ended up on the
bathroom counter. The sheer horrifying horrific-ness of this is brought home with an
extreme close-up of the drain plug in question. Not since Nightmare City's infamous
"lawnmower driving itself" sequence has a zombie movie featured such a chilling scene
involving an inanimate object (and yes, that statement even applies to Zombie Sluts with
Dildos.) Alas, ultimately this mysterious "de-drain plugging" scene isn't enough to
compensate for the lack of scares in the rest of All Souls Day, but, it's better than nothing,
right? Don't answer that.
Score: 2
| Man, that is FREAKY. |
Goriness: In line with the aforementioned "horrors of off camera action", All Souls Day is
relatively light when it comes to gore. Sure, there's a flashback in the hotel that reveals a
room so ransacked and bloody, Dr. Gonzo himself wouldn't feel comfortable dropping acid
in it, but if that's your film's goriest scene, it has problems. Don't get me wrong--they try to
have gore in this movie, it just doesn't work. For example, at one point the audience is
treated to a close-up of the tongue that was supposedly cut out of the character of
Esmerelda’s head. The problem is that it doesn't so much resemble a severed tongue as
it does a clump of rancid taffy. Have you ever seen rancid taffy? It's gross, but it's not gross,
if you catch my drift. Following that, one of the characters has an eye bitten out while
fighting zombies. This is kind of cool, but it's also distracting, as it begs that age-old
question: can you actually get your eye bitten out? Can we get a judges ruling on this?
No? Well, let's just forget I even brought it up.
Score: 2
Final Scene: The characters of Alicia and Joss, having survived the zombie onslaught, bid
adieu to the character of Martia, the hotel proprietor (she of the exposition mentioned
earlier). This is all well and good, except for one little question: how the hell are they going
to explain the deaths of their friends Erica and Tyler to the cops? Do they think they're just
going to drive back to America in Erica's car and no one will notice? I don't want to pick nits
here, but wouldn't All Souls Day have been better if it ended with a court trial, during the
course of which Alicia and Joss are convicted on homicide charges? Actually, that would
have sucked as a finale as well. I'm at a loss here--all I know is, if you go Mexico with some
friends, and several of them don't come back alive, sooner or later people start asking
questions. BELIEVE ME.
Score: 2
Comedy: This is a difficult category to score. On the one hand, All Souls Day is the
Descartes of zombie movies, i.e., it's very self-aware. What that incredibly stupid statement
means is that the film is presented with a nod and a wink, i.e. with an air of playfulness and
camp; however, it also tries to play it straight and serious some of the time. This in and of
itself is fine, it's just that the whole affair is brought down by the character Joss, who is,
unfortunately, apparently suffering from a debilitating case of Jay Leno Syndrome: he's
clearly supposed to shift the tone of the film occasionally by being charming and funny, but
in reality he's just obtrusive and annoying. I hate to say it, but Carrot Top would have done a
much better job with the role. A fact is a fact.
Score: 2
Originality: All things considered, All Souls Day has quite a bit going for it on the originality
front. The method of zombification is wholly unique, the zombies themselves don't look like
those of any other zombie movie, and it takes place in Mexico, which is a welcome change
of pace from the normal settings of zombie movies (New York City and/or rural towns in
Italy). As if all of that wasn't impressive enough, there's also the fact that in All Souls Day, a
zombie bite does not cause zombification. Let me repeat: in this film, if you're bitten by a
zombie, you're not yourself going to turn into a gibbering lunatic feasting upon the flesh of
the living (well, you won't unless you take a shitload of mescaline, which is entirely within
the realm of possibility now that Mexico is relaxing its drug possession laws.) Ultimately,
All Souls Day should serve as a lesson to other low-budget zombie movies: just because
you're making a genre movie on the cheap, it doesn't mean that you can't be creative, you
dig?
Score: 4
Rewatchability: I'm going to have to give All Souls Day a perfect score in this category, for
one very important reason: as I sat down to watch this film in order to review it for this site, I
got about 15 or 20 minutes into the thing before I realized that I had seen it once before.
The confusion that set in as this realization slowly dawned is unmatched in my film-
watching career (with the possible exception of the befuddlement I experienced during
Jaws: The Revenge; I mean, honestly...the shark followed them all the way to the
Bahamas? What the fuck?) Anyways, to sum up, All Souls Day is so good, you'll forget that
you've ever even seen it. Yeah.
Score: 5
Datedness: This movie is literally dated, in the sense that it takes place during three
different time periods, if that makes any sense--and I doubt that it does. Anywhoo, let me
say this about the datedness issue: All Souls Day doesn't feel dated when you watch it,
because it only came out last year. However, I have a sinking suspicion that in ten years
time, the only thing that's going to scream "2005" more vociferously than this movie is 'Paris
Hilton', 'Bo Bice', or 'Fallujah.' Mark my words.
Score: 3
Soundtrack: The music in All Souls Day really throws me for a loop. To be blunt, a lot of it
sounds too intense and upscale for a zombie movie. I hope I'm not out of line in saying that
most of the music in the film sounds as if it should have been used in The Hunt for Red
October. Shit, for all I know, it was. Ultimately, I don't really know how to score this
category, so I'm just going to call it down the middle and get the hell out of here.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: Commendably, there's a nude scene rather early in the film, when
the character of Lilly takes a bath. While this sequence is enjoyable, I must admit that I'm a
little shocked that the actress portraying Lilly, the lovely Mircea Monroe, would actually
appear naked in a film. I mean, why would an actress with respectable art-house films
such as Screw Cupid and Itty Bitty Titty Committee on her résumé need to stoop to such a
level? I wonder.
Regardless, any positive momentum generated by the aforementioned bath scene is
obliterated by the sex scene featuring the characters of Alicia and Joss. Simply put, its the
most BORING sex scene ever captured on film--I haven't seen rote, emotionless sex on this
scale since I watched that documentary about the world's largest gang-bang. But, perhaps
I've said too much.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Marisa Ramirez as Alicia Barena. Marisa Ramirez does an adequate job in the
lead role of All Souls Day, but the fact that she's a Jessica Alba doppelganger is pretty
distracting after a while. It must be weird to be a hot person who only reminds people of
another, even hotter person. Do you think someone like that ever feels that they'd be better
off as an uggo? I believe it was Kierkegaard who first posed that question; he'd probably
vomit with depression if he knew that we were still grappling with it all these years later.
Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?
Score: 3
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Travis Wester as Joss Gilbert. Perhaps I was a little hard on
Travis earlier. Sure, he's pretty annoying, but he also has a certain wormy charm that grows
on you after a while, like a fungus. So to sum up, Travis Wester utilizes his fungus-like
skills to play Joss Gilbert in the film All Souls Day, with decent results.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: When speaking of the supporting cast of All Souls Day, one must first grapple
with an unsettling question: which Ricky is creepier, the one featured in the movie in
question, or the one from Better Off Dead? I'll post a comparison picture below and let you
make up your own mind, but be forewarned--the double Ricky picture will probably weird
you out.
That hot-button issue aside, the overall cast of All Souls Day does a fine job. I mean,
regardless of what you can say about them, the fact is that said cast includes Danny Trejo
playing a character named Vargas Diaz, which is quite possibly the coolest name ever.
Furthermore, Mr. Trejo was also in Anchorman, which is pretty fucking sweet. So, to sum
up my thoughts on this category...What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak
Spanish.
Score: 3
relatively light when it comes to gore. Sure, there's a flashback in the hotel that reveals a
room so ransacked and bloody, Dr. Gonzo himself wouldn't feel comfortable dropping acid
in it, but if that's your film's goriest scene, it has problems. Don't get me wrong--they try to
have gore in this movie, it just doesn't work. For example, at one point the audience is
treated to a close-up of the tongue that was supposedly cut out of the character of
Esmerelda’s head. The problem is that it doesn't so much resemble a severed tongue as
it does a clump of rancid taffy. Have you ever seen rancid taffy? It's gross, but it's not gross,
if you catch my drift. Following that, one of the characters has an eye bitten out while
fighting zombies. This is kind of cool, but it's also distracting, as it begs that age-old
question: can you actually get your eye bitten out? Can we get a judges ruling on this?
No? Well, let's just forget I even brought it up.
Score: 2
Final Scene: The characters of Alicia and Joss, having survived the zombie onslaught, bid
adieu to the character of Martia, the hotel proprietor (she of the exposition mentioned
earlier). This is all well and good, except for one little question: how the hell are they going
to explain the deaths of their friends Erica and Tyler to the cops? Do they think they're just
going to drive back to America in Erica's car and no one will notice? I don't want to pick nits
here, but wouldn't All Souls Day have been better if it ended with a court trial, during the
course of which Alicia and Joss are convicted on homicide charges? Actually, that would
have sucked as a finale as well. I'm at a loss here--all I know is, if you go Mexico with some
friends, and several of them don't come back alive, sooner or later people start asking
questions. BELIEVE ME.
Score: 2
Comedy: This is a difficult category to score. On the one hand, All Souls Day is the
Descartes of zombie movies, i.e., it's very self-aware. What that incredibly stupid statement
means is that the film is presented with a nod and a wink, i.e. with an air of playfulness and
camp; however, it also tries to play it straight and serious some of the time. This in and of
itself is fine, it's just that the whole affair is brought down by the character Joss, who is,
unfortunately, apparently suffering from a debilitating case of Jay Leno Syndrome: he's
clearly supposed to shift the tone of the film occasionally by being charming and funny, but
in reality he's just obtrusive and annoying. I hate to say it, but Carrot Top would have done a
much better job with the role. A fact is a fact.
Score: 2
Originality: All things considered, All Souls Day has quite a bit going for it on the originality
front. The method of zombification is wholly unique, the zombies themselves don't look like
those of any other zombie movie, and it takes place in Mexico, which is a welcome change
of pace from the normal settings of zombie movies (New York City and/or rural towns in
Italy). As if all of that wasn't impressive enough, there's also the fact that in All Souls Day, a
zombie bite does not cause zombification. Let me repeat: in this film, if you're bitten by a
zombie, you're not yourself going to turn into a gibbering lunatic feasting upon the flesh of
the living (well, you won't unless you take a shitload of mescaline, which is entirely within
the realm of possibility now that Mexico is relaxing its drug possession laws.) Ultimately,
All Souls Day should serve as a lesson to other low-budget zombie movies: just because
you're making a genre movie on the cheap, it doesn't mean that you can't be creative, you
dig?
Score: 4
Rewatchability: I'm going to have to give All Souls Day a perfect score in this category, for
one very important reason: as I sat down to watch this film in order to review it for this site, I
got about 15 or 20 minutes into the thing before I realized that I had seen it once before.
The confusion that set in as this realization slowly dawned is unmatched in my film-
watching career (with the possible exception of the befuddlement I experienced during
Jaws: The Revenge; I mean, honestly...the shark followed them all the way to the
Bahamas? What the fuck?) Anyways, to sum up, All Souls Day is so good, you'll forget that
you've ever even seen it. Yeah.
Score: 5
Datedness: This movie is literally dated, in the sense that it takes place during three
different time periods, if that makes any sense--and I doubt that it does. Anywhoo, let me
say this about the datedness issue: All Souls Day doesn't feel dated when you watch it,
because it only came out last year. However, I have a sinking suspicion that in ten years
time, the only thing that's going to scream "2005" more vociferously than this movie is 'Paris
Hilton', 'Bo Bice', or 'Fallujah.' Mark my words.
Score: 3
Soundtrack: The music in All Souls Day really throws me for a loop. To be blunt, a lot of it
sounds too intense and upscale for a zombie movie. I hope I'm not out of line in saying that
most of the music in the film sounds as if it should have been used in The Hunt for Red
October. Shit, for all I know, it was. Ultimately, I don't really know how to score this
category, so I'm just going to call it down the middle and get the hell out of here.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: Commendably, there's a nude scene rather early in the film, when
the character of Lilly takes a bath. While this sequence is enjoyable, I must admit that I'm a
little shocked that the actress portraying Lilly, the lovely Mircea Monroe, would actually
appear naked in a film. I mean, why would an actress with respectable art-house films
such as Screw Cupid and Itty Bitty Titty Committee on her résumé need to stoop to such a
level? I wonder.
Regardless, any positive momentum generated by the aforementioned bath scene is
obliterated by the sex scene featuring the characters of Alicia and Joss. Simply put, its the
most BORING sex scene ever captured on film--I haven't seen rote, emotionless sex on this
scale since I watched that documentary about the world's largest gang-bang. But, perhaps
I've said too much.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Marisa Ramirez as Alicia Barena. Marisa Ramirez does an adequate job in the
lead role of All Souls Day, but the fact that she's a Jessica Alba doppelganger is pretty
distracting after a while. It must be weird to be a hot person who only reminds people of
another, even hotter person. Do you think someone like that ever feels that they'd be better
off as an uggo? I believe it was Kierkegaard who first posed that question; he'd probably
vomit with depression if he knew that we were still grappling with it all these years later.
Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?
Score: 3
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Travis Wester as Joss Gilbert. Perhaps I was a little hard on
Travis earlier. Sure, he's pretty annoying, but he also has a certain wormy charm that grows
on you after a while, like a fungus. So to sum up, Travis Wester utilizes his fungus-like
skills to play Joss Gilbert in the film All Souls Day, with decent results.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: When speaking of the supporting cast of All Souls Day, one must first grapple
with an unsettling question: which Ricky is creepier, the one featured in the movie in
question, or the one from Better Off Dead? I'll post a comparison picture below and let you
make up your own mind, but be forewarned--the double Ricky picture will probably weird
you out.
That hot-button issue aside, the overall cast of All Souls Day does a fine job. I mean,
regardless of what you can say about them, the fact is that said cast includes Danny Trejo
playing a character named Vargas Diaz, which is quite possibly the coolest name ever.
Furthermore, Mr. Trejo was also in Anchorman, which is pretty fucking sweet. So, to sum
up my thoughts on this category...What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak
Spanish.
Score: 3
| Who's creepier? |
Token Scientist: All Souls Day features no scientists, but it does have a sadistic sheriff,
which has to got to count for something, right? Well, doesn't it?
Score: 2
Token Fat Guy: Instead of giving us a token fat guy, All Souls Day ups the ante and gives us
a token fat zombie. That's chutzpah, right there. I often wonder when I see a fat zombie...is
it fat because it's eaten a lot of people, or was it just a plain-old fat person who happened to
become a zombie? Either way, pray you never encounter a one at a Sizzler--that's just a bad
scene all the way around.
Score: 4
which has to got to count for something, right? Well, doesn't it?
Score: 2
Token Fat Guy: Instead of giving us a token fat guy, All Souls Day ups the ante and gives us
a token fat zombie. That's chutzpah, right there. I often wonder when I see a fat zombie...is
it fat because it's eaten a lot of people, or was it just a plain-old fat person who happened to
become a zombie? Either way, pray you never encounter a one at a Sizzler--that's just a bad
scene all the way around.
Score: 4
| Which came first--the fat human, or the fat zombie? |
Best Line: There are a few decent lines in this movie, but all of them are dwarfed by the truly
revolting speech given by Sheriff Blanco, the gist of which is that smoking cigarettes is a lot
like "eating pussy." Kind of gives whole new meaning to the phrase "quitting cold turkey",
doesn't it? As usual, I have no fucking idea what I'm even saying.
Score: 2
Intangibles: The intangibles of All Souls Day are difficult to score. Overall, I actually enjoyed
the movie, even though its schlock-factor is off the charts. That being said, there are more
than a few soul-crushing moments that one encounters while watching the movie.
For example, at one point, Joss, being low on ammunition, decides to run through a crowd
of zombies to the police station in order to obtain more bullets. In order to "cover" him,
Alicia takes his gun, the one that's low on ammo, and fires it into the air several times. (A) if
you're going to run through a crowd of the living dead, take a fucking gun with you--it's just
common sense, and (B) how low on ammo are you when you can afford to discharge round
after round into the air for no real reason? I mean, COME ON.
Still, on the flipside, after Joss is bitten by a zombie, his fellow characters have an intense
discussion about whether or not to abandon him in the fear that he might become
zombified at any moment. I think I speak for zombie fans everywhere when I say that it's
about fucking time that characters in zombie movies act like they've heard of zombies
before. The fact of the matter is that in this day and age, if you don't know how to deal with
the living dead, you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. This, I believe.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: As I mentioned previously, the zombies in All Souls Day look very
much like actual corpses, so they're believable in that sense (that sense being 'sight'.) On
the other hand, they apparently possess the physical strength of hamsters, as multiple
times several of them are overpowered by just one person. There are very few things in this
world that I know to be absolutely true, but one of them is this: zombies possess
exceptional strength. How else would they be able to crack open our heads and eat our
delicious, delicious brains? Answer that for me, GENIUSES.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: I'll level with you: the zombie attack scenes in All Souls Day aren't
great--they're actually pretty boring. Perhaps the problem is that the first such scene
doesn't even happen until about the 50-minute mark of the movie. Such zombie
attack-tardiness is okay in a psychological thriller like Day of the Dead, it's not okay in a
relatively boring movie like All Souls Day, that's the only point I'm trying to make.
Incidentally, I do find it interesting that a movie about the Day of the Dead has
zombie-paucity issues similar to a film titled Day of the Dead. Weird, eh? No? Well, never
mind, then.
Score: 2
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: All Souls Day features one pretty good zombie "orgy" at the end of
the film, when the revolting zombies (I mean the zombies that are staging a revolt, not the
zombies that are physically revolting--although I guess they are that, as well--weird) give
Vargas Diaz the classic "let's descend on this person and act as if his torso were the nacho
station at the Old Country Buffet" treatment. What's interesting about this scene is that it's
the climax of the movie, and it takes place immediately after Diaz masturbates without
"climaxing" himself. So, you have one climax where you could have had two, or none. I love
irony.
Score: 3
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The main anti-zombie weapon in All Souls Day is human sacrifice;
i.e., if the aforementioned tongue-less Mexican woman is sacrificed, the zombies won't get
hungry. Alas, Alicia and Joss, in their infinite wisdom, decide it's better to save the
sacrificial victim and have their friends die than it is to let the sacrifice itself proceed apace.
Accordingly, other anti-zombie weapons must then be utilized; these range from the typical
(firearms, cars) to the unusual (reasoning with the zombies, which is an interesting
strategy.) Ultimately, the thing that stops the zombies in this movie is letting them eat
Vargas Diaz, which is weird, because normally to stop zombies from taking over the world
you have to stop them from eating people, but in this movie, to get stop them from taking
over the world you have to let them eat people. It's an interesting dichotomy that is not
unlike the one found in that "sex to save the friendship" episode of Seinfeld, except its set in
Mexico, and it features zombies, and Kramer is nowhere to be found. Aside from those
differences though, it's practically the same thing.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Remember earlier when I said that this film had a unique
method of zombification? I lied. In actuality, I'm still a little fuzzy on how the zombies
actually became zombified in the first place in All Souls Day. I guess I really shouldn't try to
do my taxes while watching zombie movies--not only do I miss key plot points, but I end up
taking deductions for BRAINS, which is never a good thing.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": As I've said, the zombies in All Souls Day are certainly unique in
their appearance, what with the resemblance that they bear to corpses and all. The thing
is, sometimes the zombies wear Day of the Dead masks, and when they do, they bear
more of a resemblance to Tusken Raiders than they do anything else. So, I guess they're
not quite as unique as I'm making them out to be. Additionally, in terms of uniqueness, one
of the zombies, Esmerelda (more on her later), displays a proficiency with flipping and
karate kicking that, based on some of the lessons that we learned earlier in this review,
would seem to indicate that she was a cheerleader before she became zombified. This
brings to mind something that my grandma used to say: beware of cheerleader zombies.
After all these years, this quote finally makes sense.
Score: 4
revolting speech given by Sheriff Blanco, the gist of which is that smoking cigarettes is a lot
like "eating pussy." Kind of gives whole new meaning to the phrase "quitting cold turkey",
doesn't it? As usual, I have no fucking idea what I'm even saying.
Score: 2
Intangibles: The intangibles of All Souls Day are difficult to score. Overall, I actually enjoyed
the movie, even though its schlock-factor is off the charts. That being said, there are more
than a few soul-crushing moments that one encounters while watching the movie.
For example, at one point, Joss, being low on ammunition, decides to run through a crowd
of zombies to the police station in order to obtain more bullets. In order to "cover" him,
Alicia takes his gun, the one that's low on ammo, and fires it into the air several times. (A) if
you're going to run through a crowd of the living dead, take a fucking gun with you--it's just
common sense, and (B) how low on ammo are you when you can afford to discharge round
after round into the air for no real reason? I mean, COME ON.
Still, on the flipside, after Joss is bitten by a zombie, his fellow characters have an intense
discussion about whether or not to abandon him in the fear that he might become
zombified at any moment. I think I speak for zombie fans everywhere when I say that it's
about fucking time that characters in zombie movies act like they've heard of zombies
before. The fact of the matter is that in this day and age, if you don't know how to deal with
the living dead, you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. This, I believe.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: As I mentioned previously, the zombies in All Souls Day look very
much like actual corpses, so they're believable in that sense (that sense being 'sight'.) On
the other hand, they apparently possess the physical strength of hamsters, as multiple
times several of them are overpowered by just one person. There are very few things in this
world that I know to be absolutely true, but one of them is this: zombies possess
exceptional strength. How else would they be able to crack open our heads and eat our
delicious, delicious brains? Answer that for me, GENIUSES.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: I'll level with you: the zombie attack scenes in All Souls Day aren't
great--they're actually pretty boring. Perhaps the problem is that the first such scene
doesn't even happen until about the 50-minute mark of the movie. Such zombie
attack-tardiness is okay in a psychological thriller like Day of the Dead, it's not okay in a
relatively boring movie like All Souls Day, that's the only point I'm trying to make.
Incidentally, I do find it interesting that a movie about the Day of the Dead has
zombie-paucity issues similar to a film titled Day of the Dead. Weird, eh? No? Well, never
mind, then.
Score: 2
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: All Souls Day features one pretty good zombie "orgy" at the end of
the film, when the revolting zombies (I mean the zombies that are staging a revolt, not the
zombies that are physically revolting--although I guess they are that, as well--weird) give
Vargas Diaz the classic "let's descend on this person and act as if his torso were the nacho
station at the Old Country Buffet" treatment. What's interesting about this scene is that it's
the climax of the movie, and it takes place immediately after Diaz masturbates without
"climaxing" himself. So, you have one climax where you could have had two, or none. I love
irony.
Score: 3
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The main anti-zombie weapon in All Souls Day is human sacrifice;
i.e., if the aforementioned tongue-less Mexican woman is sacrificed, the zombies won't get
hungry. Alas, Alicia and Joss, in their infinite wisdom, decide it's better to save the
sacrificial victim and have their friends die than it is to let the sacrifice itself proceed apace.
Accordingly, other anti-zombie weapons must then be utilized; these range from the typical
(firearms, cars) to the unusual (reasoning with the zombies, which is an interesting
strategy.) Ultimately, the thing that stops the zombies in this movie is letting them eat
Vargas Diaz, which is weird, because normally to stop zombies from taking over the world
you have to stop them from eating people, but in this movie, to get stop them from taking
over the world you have to let them eat people. It's an interesting dichotomy that is not
unlike the one found in that "sex to save the friendship" episode of Seinfeld, except its set in
Mexico, and it features zombies, and Kramer is nowhere to be found. Aside from those
differences though, it's practically the same thing.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Remember earlier when I said that this film had a unique
method of zombification? I lied. In actuality, I'm still a little fuzzy on how the zombies
actually became zombified in the first place in All Souls Day. I guess I really shouldn't try to
do my taxes while watching zombie movies--not only do I miss key plot points, but I end up
taking deductions for BRAINS, which is never a good thing.
Score: 3
Zombie "Uniqueness": As I've said, the zombies in All Souls Day are certainly unique in
their appearance, what with the resemblance that they bear to corpses and all. The thing
is, sometimes the zombies wear Day of the Dead masks, and when they do, they bear
more of a resemblance to Tusken Raiders than they do anything else. So, I guess they're
not quite as unique as I'm making them out to be. Additionally, in terms of uniqueness, one
of the zombies, Esmerelda (more on her later), displays a proficiency with flipping and
karate kicking that, based on some of the lessons that we learned earlier in this review,
would seem to indicate that she was a cheerleader before she became zombified. This
brings to mind something that my grandma used to say: beware of cheerleader zombies.
After all these years, this quote finally makes sense.
Score: 4
| Lilly being menaced by zombies...or Tusken Raiders. I'm not sure which. |
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in All Souls Day all behave pretty much the same
throughout the film, that is they're very slow, they're very weak, and they're very stupid. This
consistency holds with the exception of one zombie that, at one point, utters some sort of
noise that sounds not unlike a cat meowing. It's pretty weird
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: The aforementioned Esmerelda; it's always nice when you get to know
a film's signature zombie as a human before you get to know him/her as a zombie,
because you can then ask yourself the question, "would I rather hang out with the human or
the zombie version of this person?" In Esmerelda's case, I'll go with hanging out with the
zombie version--as a human she's all mopey and has a very "woe is me" attitude (this
probably has something to do with the fact that her tongue has been cut out); but, as a
zombie, she's fierce and interesting and knows karate, and she's not about to let the fact
that she's been jailed keep her down. I, for one, respect such a never-say-die attitude in the
living dead.
Score: 4
throughout the film, that is they're very slow, they're very weak, and they're very stupid. This
consistency holds with the exception of one zombie that, at one point, utters some sort of
noise that sounds not unlike a cat meowing. It's pretty weird
Score: 4
Signature Zombie: The aforementioned Esmerelda; it's always nice when you get to know
a film's signature zombie as a human before you get to know him/her as a zombie,
because you can then ask yourself the question, "would I rather hang out with the human or
the zombie version of this person?" In Esmerelda's case, I'll go with hanging out with the
zombie version--as a human she's all mopey and has a very "woe is me" attitude (this
probably has something to do with the fact that her tongue has been cut out); but, as a
zombie, she's fierce and interesting and knows karate, and she's not about to let the fact
that she's been jailed keep her down. I, for one, respect such a never-say-die attitude in the
living dead.
Score: 4
| Zombies behind bars: next on A Current Affair. |
Total Points: 86
Verdict: Look, All Souls Day is certainly not a "great" movie. It's not even "good", in the
traditional sense of the word. Still, while it scores rather low points-wise, it still scores a lot
higher than truly shitty zombie films, and there are enough unique and interesting things
about the movie to make it worth watching. Let me put it this way: while you might feel
bored while watching it, you won't feel burned, and in the end, isn't that all that matters?
No? Well, how about this: if nothing else, there's that "Lilly taking a bath" scene that I
discussed earlier--if you can't get excited about bare breasts and a self-removing drain
plug, then perhaps you shouldn't be watching movies at all. There, I said it--I feel better
now.
Next Time: The House by the Cemetery
Verdict: Look, All Souls Day is certainly not a "great" movie. It's not even "good", in the
traditional sense of the word. Still, while it scores rather low points-wise, it still scores a lot
higher than truly shitty zombie films, and there are enough unique and interesting things
about the movie to make it worth watching. Let me put it this way: while you might feel
bored while watching it, you won't feel burned, and in the end, isn't that all that matters?
No? Well, how about this: if nothing else, there's that "Lilly taking a bath" scene that I
discussed earlier--if you can't get excited about bare breasts and a self-removing drain
plug, then perhaps you shouldn't be watching movies at all. There, I said it--I feel better
now.
Next Time: The House by the Cemetery
| All text on this page is copyright 2007 ZombieTastic.com, and may not be reused without written consent from the author. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
