The ZombieTastic Review of:
The House by the Cemetery
The House by the Cemetery
Director: Lucio Fulci
Year of Release: 1981
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: Zombie-Ghost Mystery.
Also Known as: Quella villa accanto al cimitero; The House Outside
the Cemetery; Zombie Hell House
Part of a series?: One-third of Fulci's Unofficial "Zombie Trilogy"
The Scoring
Plot: So, there's like this house, right? And, it's by this cemetery, ok? Well, some say that
it's outside of the cemetery, but I for one prefer to say that it's by the cemetery. Anyways,
there's this "doctor" called Freudstein, and he lives in this house by the cemetery right, and
in it he practices medicine, but then, like, for some reason, he gets all banned by The Man
from doing this. Then, like hundreds of years later, this guy called Peterson starts
researching Freudstein, and he moves into his house (the one by the cemetery), only he
goes nuts and kills his mistress and then commits suicide. Then, in a flash of genius, this
dude named Boyle, who was a friend of Peterson's, moves into the same house (still by the
cemetery), only to discover that Freudstein is like, undead and has been living in the
basement all this time, and has been killing anyone who comes to the house, and
apparently the cops can't do SHIT about it, because they like don't even exist in this movie.
Along the way, lessons are learned, a mannequin is savagely and mysteriously beheaded,
and a little boy time travels to hang out with an unidentified old lady and a girl that nobody
but he can see. Regardless, ultimately, when all is said and done, the house is by the
cemetery.
Score: 2
Exposition: The House by the Cemetery features some absolutely obnoxious exposition.
At the beginning of the film, there's an entire conversation between the character of Norman
Boyle and one of his colleagues that goes out of its way to establish the fact that Norm
knew Peterson. This point is then reiterated 2 or three more times in various other
conversations. Apparently, as an audience member, you MUST know that Boyle and
Peterson worked together, else you won't be able to understand the film. What would have
been nice, in addition to this annoying exposition, would have been something, anything,
explaining what was actually happening in this movie. The plot is so muddled and
confusing that I would have settled for a 10-minute soliloquy at the end of the film explaining
the preceding 90-minutes. In other words, The House by the Cemetery has too much of
the bad kind of exposition, and none of the good kind. In a word: BULLSHIT.
Score: 1
Plausibility: I need to state something right now, because it's imminently pertinent to this,
and virtually every other, category in this review: one of the main characters in The House by
the Cemetery is a little boy named Bob. This kid is possibly the most fucking annoying and
weird child ever to be featured on the silver screen (and yes, that includes the weird twins
from The Shining and that "I like the Wizard of Oz" dude from A Christmas Story.) Not only
is Bob weird looking, but the voiceover provided for him is possibly the most annoying thing
ever heard, the vocal stylings of Don Johnson notwithstanding (more on this in the next
category) (I mean, more on Bob in the next category, not more on Don Johnson--I'm
clarifying this because I didn't want to inadvertently get your hopes up.) What does this have
to do with The House by the Cemetery's plausibility? Just this: when the lead characters of
Norm and Lucy move to a new town, they leave Bob by himself in their car as they go into
the realtor's office to sign some paperwork in relation to their new house (the one by (and of
course, also outside) the cemetery.) Initially this seems highly implausible, because what
kind of dipshits would leave their little boy alone in a car in a strange town for any reason?
However, when you realize what a turd Bob is, you realize that this move makes total sense.
So, you might think that The House by the Cemetery would score highly in this category.
Alas, Norm and Lucy destroy any plausibility momentum that they might have had by
returning to their car, discovering that Bob is missing, and subsequently freaking out.
In addition to all of that, there's the fact that at one point in the film, the character of Ann, the
babysitter, is caught by Lucy cleaning up a large, unexplained smear of blood. Instead of
asking Ann what the blood is from, Lucy simply proceeds to make small-talk and then
leaves. No wonder her son turned out to be such a creep.
Score: 1
Production Value: As I hinted at in the previous category, The House by the Cemetery
suffers from a near-fatal voiceover problem--specifically, the voiceover problem with Bob.
Whoever provided the voiceover for him possessed the most shrill, vapid, nerve-grating
voice I've ever heard. I'm not going to lie to you: about 5 seconds after first being introduced
to Bob and his voice of awfulness, I was openly rooting for him to be savagely
dismembered and eaten by a rampaging horde of zombies. Alas, such a cathartic moment
never comes in this movie, and one is left wondering, of all the people that I just saw die,
why couldn't Bob have been one of them? Ultimately, my point is that the voiceover issue is
so damaging to the film, I'm not even willing to consider any other facets of the production.
Take THAT, Fulci.
Score: 1
Year of Release: 1981
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: Zombie-Ghost Mystery.
Also Known as: Quella villa accanto al cimitero; The House Outside
the Cemetery; Zombie Hell House
Part of a series?: One-third of Fulci's Unofficial "Zombie Trilogy"
The Scoring
Plot: So, there's like this house, right? And, it's by this cemetery, ok? Well, some say that
it's outside of the cemetery, but I for one prefer to say that it's by the cemetery. Anyways,
there's this "doctor" called Freudstein, and he lives in this house by the cemetery right, and
in it he practices medicine, but then, like, for some reason, he gets all banned by The Man
from doing this. Then, like hundreds of years later, this guy called Peterson starts
researching Freudstein, and he moves into his house (the one by the cemetery), only he
goes nuts and kills his mistress and then commits suicide. Then, in a flash of genius, this
dude named Boyle, who was a friend of Peterson's, moves into the same house (still by the
cemetery), only to discover that Freudstein is like, undead and has been living in the
basement all this time, and has been killing anyone who comes to the house, and
apparently the cops can't do SHIT about it, because they like don't even exist in this movie.
Along the way, lessons are learned, a mannequin is savagely and mysteriously beheaded,
and a little boy time travels to hang out with an unidentified old lady and a girl that nobody
but he can see. Regardless, ultimately, when all is said and done, the house is by the
cemetery.
Score: 2
Exposition: The House by the Cemetery features some absolutely obnoxious exposition.
At the beginning of the film, there's an entire conversation between the character of Norman
Boyle and one of his colleagues that goes out of its way to establish the fact that Norm
knew Peterson. This point is then reiterated 2 or three more times in various other
conversations. Apparently, as an audience member, you MUST know that Boyle and
Peterson worked together, else you won't be able to understand the film. What would have
been nice, in addition to this annoying exposition, would have been something, anything,
explaining what was actually happening in this movie. The plot is so muddled and
confusing that I would have settled for a 10-minute soliloquy at the end of the film explaining
the preceding 90-minutes. In other words, The House by the Cemetery has too much of
the bad kind of exposition, and none of the good kind. In a word: BULLSHIT.
Score: 1
Plausibility: I need to state something right now, because it's imminently pertinent to this,
and virtually every other, category in this review: one of the main characters in The House by
the Cemetery is a little boy named Bob. This kid is possibly the most fucking annoying and
weird child ever to be featured on the silver screen (and yes, that includes the weird twins
from The Shining and that "I like the Wizard of Oz" dude from A Christmas Story.) Not only
is Bob weird looking, but the voiceover provided for him is possibly the most annoying thing
ever heard, the vocal stylings of Don Johnson notwithstanding (more on this in the next
category) (I mean, more on Bob in the next category, not more on Don Johnson--I'm
clarifying this because I didn't want to inadvertently get your hopes up.) What does this have
to do with The House by the Cemetery's plausibility? Just this: when the lead characters of
Norm and Lucy move to a new town, they leave Bob by himself in their car as they go into
the realtor's office to sign some paperwork in relation to their new house (the one by (and of
course, also outside) the cemetery.) Initially this seems highly implausible, because what
kind of dipshits would leave their little boy alone in a car in a strange town for any reason?
However, when you realize what a turd Bob is, you realize that this move makes total sense.
So, you might think that The House by the Cemetery would score highly in this category.
Alas, Norm and Lucy destroy any plausibility momentum that they might have had by
returning to their car, discovering that Bob is missing, and subsequently freaking out.
In addition to all of that, there's the fact that at one point in the film, the character of Ann, the
babysitter, is caught by Lucy cleaning up a large, unexplained smear of blood. Instead of
asking Ann what the blood is from, Lucy simply proceeds to make small-talk and then
leaves. No wonder her son turned out to be such a creep.
Score: 1
Production Value: As I hinted at in the previous category, The House by the Cemetery
suffers from a near-fatal voiceover problem--specifically, the voiceover problem with Bob.
Whoever provided the voiceover for him possessed the most shrill, vapid, nerve-grating
voice I've ever heard. I'm not going to lie to you: about 5 seconds after first being introduced
to Bob and his voice of awfulness, I was openly rooting for him to be savagely
dismembered and eaten by a rampaging horde of zombies. Alas, such a cathartic moment
never comes in this movie, and one is left wondering, of all the people that I just saw die,
why couldn't Bob have been one of them? Ultimately, my point is that the voiceover issue is
so damaging to the film, I'm not even willing to consider any other facets of the production.
Take THAT, Fulci.
Score: 1
| The most annoying kid EVER. |
Special Effects: There are some okay special effects in The House by the Cemetery. We
all know that Lucio Fulci can rip flesh and spew blood with the best of them (I mean on film,
weirdo), and his skills in this area are certainly on display in The House by the Cemetery.
For example, very early in the film, there's a knife-through-the-head shot that bears a
striking resemblance to Pamela Anderson's breasts: obviously fake, but enjoyable
nonetheless. The effect of such worthwhile effects (what?) must be measured against the
facts that the movie also features (a) the fakest looking bat ever seen on film, and (b) an
annoying amount of point-of-view shots--while I do find seeing things from a zombie's point
of view to be, occasionally, interesting, I do NOT enjoy seeing things from the perspective of
a coffee mug on a tray. So to sum up: fake blood=good, fake bats=bad.
Score: 3
Makeup: Unfortunately, the makeup in The House by the Cemetery is not on a par with its
special effects (the good ones, I mean). You would think that in a film with only one zombie,
the head makeupologist could have put a little more effort into his/her work, but alas, this
appears to have not been the case, as Dr. Freudstein, the solo zombie in question, doesn't
so much look like the walking dead as he does a walking dude who just happens to be
covered in mud. Call me crazy, but considering that this movie was made years before
Lollapalooza '94, I don't think that that's the look that Fulci was going for.
Score: 1
Scariness: It's a well-known rule of horror films that nothing spells scary quite like an
inanimate object being destroyed--unless it’s being destroyed by invisible forces. This
point is brought home in stunning clarity in The House by the Cemetery, when a storefront
mannequin is somehow beheaded. Not only is this shocking (enough to cause a little girl
to weep--probably because it was ridiculously lame), it's also educational, because blood
comes out of the neck of the mannequin. I, for one, didn't realize that statues were filled
with plasma. But then, I've led a very sheltered existence. The point is, this is the scariest
moment of the film, and that's really fucking sad.
Score: 1
all know that Lucio Fulci can rip flesh and spew blood with the best of them (I mean on film,
weirdo), and his skills in this area are certainly on display in The House by the Cemetery.
For example, very early in the film, there's a knife-through-the-head shot that bears a
striking resemblance to Pamela Anderson's breasts: obviously fake, but enjoyable
nonetheless. The effect of such worthwhile effects (what?) must be measured against the
facts that the movie also features (a) the fakest looking bat ever seen on film, and (b) an
annoying amount of point-of-view shots--while I do find seeing things from a zombie's point
of view to be, occasionally, interesting, I do NOT enjoy seeing things from the perspective of
a coffee mug on a tray. So to sum up: fake blood=good, fake bats=bad.
Score: 3
Makeup: Unfortunately, the makeup in The House by the Cemetery is not on a par with its
special effects (the good ones, I mean). You would think that in a film with only one zombie,
the head makeupologist could have put a little more effort into his/her work, but alas, this
appears to have not been the case, as Dr. Freudstein, the solo zombie in question, doesn't
so much look like the walking dead as he does a walking dude who just happens to be
covered in mud. Call me crazy, but considering that this movie was made years before
Lollapalooza '94, I don't think that that's the look that Fulci was going for.
Score: 1
Scariness: It's a well-known rule of horror films that nothing spells scary quite like an
inanimate object being destroyed--unless it’s being destroyed by invisible forces. This
point is brought home in stunning clarity in The House by the Cemetery, when a storefront
mannequin is somehow beheaded. Not only is this shocking (enough to cause a little girl
to weep--probably because it was ridiculously lame), it's also educational, because blood
comes out of the neck of the mannequin. I, for one, didn't realize that statues were filled
with plasma. But then, I've led a very sheltered existence. The point is, this is the scariest
moment of the film, and that's really fucking sad.
Score: 1
| That's the fleshiest mannequin I've ever seen. |
Goriness: As I've stated earlier, this being a Fulci zombie movie, you know you're going to
get gore by the bucketful, or the boatload, or whatever it is that gore is transported in. There
is a slightly below-average amount of gore on display on the film, but what gore there is is
effective--it's perhaps the film's only redeeming quality. All of that being said, I must
comment on that fake bat "effect" that I mentioned earlier; not only is the bat completely
unbelievable, but after it attaches itself to the character of Norm's hand, said character then
proceeds to hack at it for about 30 minutes before he gets the thing off, spraying blood on
pretty much every character that's even in the movie, as well as on every object in the house
(by the cemetery). Alright, it didn't quite take 30 minutes--but it felt that long. When all is
said and done, this entire sequence feels tacked-on and completely unnecessary, and
basically plays as if Fulci just wanted to have a blood-filled scene for its own sake. If he just
wanted extra gore in his movie, why didn't he just throw in an extra zombie killing or two?
Who would have been opposed to this? No one, that's who.
Score: 3
Final Scene: The final scene of The House by the Cemetery is completely baffling and
unintelligible, but I guess that's in keeping with the overall film and its numerous plot
wholes and non sequiturs. As near as I can tell, the film ends with Bob traveling through
time to a distant mahogany-filled land where all the little girls have dolls. As I say, the
whole ending was pretty baffling. What's even more confusing is the epigraph that flashes
on the screen at the conclusion of the film, immediately preceding the end credits, which
reads: "No one will ever know whether children are monsters or monsters are children."
This quote is attributed to Henry James, which makes sense--that totally sounds like
something he would say. I must admit that I'm curious as to what he'd be more outraged by
if he were still alive: that his words had been appropriated for use in a terrible zombie
movie, or that they made no sense whatsoever in the context in which they were used in
said zombie movie. Here's hoping that zombie Lucio Fulci never runs into zombie Henry
James, because if he does, he's going to have deal with some good old fashioned
zombie-on-zombie rage. Unlike The House by the Cemetery, that's something I'd actually
like to see.
Score: 1
Comedy: In a movie as soul-crushing as this one, there isn't that much comedy to be had.
That being said, I will admit that at times, Bob's voiceover bears a resemblance to David
Cross' Lazy Kevin character from the Heaven's Chimney episode of Mr. Show, and listening
to him with that mental image lightens the mood considerably (if you don't know what I'm
talking about, shame on you; you can watch the skit here.) Also, towards the end of the
movie, when Dr. Freudstein is chasing Bob, he starts screaming, sounding a lot like Ned
Flanders in the process. Still, neither of these things are enough to make the movie
enjoyable. Overall, what's funny to me about this whole thing is the notion that people
consider Fulci to be some sort of zombie-movie genius. Say what you want about the
genius of Zombi, The House by the Cemetery and City of the Living Dead beg to differ.
Score: 2
Originality: Um, well...this is the only zombie movie that I know of that takes place in rural
Massachusetts, so it's got that going for it. Also, this is the only movie I've ever seen in
which a character calls what is clearly a Curious George doll "Yogi." So...yeah. Great.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: I doubt that I even need to write anything for this category, but I will anyway.
The House by the Cemetery is definitely not worth watching again. As a matter of fact, I had
already seen this movie once, and was dreading watching it again for purposes of review.
Do you see what I go through for you people? DO YOU? Sadly, this "rewatching this piece
of shit movie is a terrible experience" was a point that was driven home by the numerous
stirring "eye close-up" segments sprinkled throughout the film. For some reason, Fulci
chooses to, during almost every dramatic moment, have the camera perform a close-up on
the eyes of his various actors, and then cut between the different sets of eyes as they're all
looking at each other. These eye-shots only serve to prove that Lucio Fulci is no Ingmar
Bergman. Hell, they prove that he's not even a Jay Bergman (who, as we all know, worked
as an editor on several Playboy straight-to-video releases.) I think you see what I'm saying
here.
Score: 1
get gore by the bucketful, or the boatload, or whatever it is that gore is transported in. There
is a slightly below-average amount of gore on display on the film, but what gore there is is
effective--it's perhaps the film's only redeeming quality. All of that being said, I must
comment on that fake bat "effect" that I mentioned earlier; not only is the bat completely
unbelievable, but after it attaches itself to the character of Norm's hand, said character then
proceeds to hack at it for about 30 minutes before he gets the thing off, spraying blood on
pretty much every character that's even in the movie, as well as on every object in the house
(by the cemetery). Alright, it didn't quite take 30 minutes--but it felt that long. When all is
said and done, this entire sequence feels tacked-on and completely unnecessary, and
basically plays as if Fulci just wanted to have a blood-filled scene for its own sake. If he just
wanted extra gore in his movie, why didn't he just throw in an extra zombie killing or two?
Who would have been opposed to this? No one, that's who.
Score: 3
Final Scene: The final scene of The House by the Cemetery is completely baffling and
unintelligible, but I guess that's in keeping with the overall film and its numerous plot
wholes and non sequiturs. As near as I can tell, the film ends with Bob traveling through
time to a distant mahogany-filled land where all the little girls have dolls. As I say, the
whole ending was pretty baffling. What's even more confusing is the epigraph that flashes
on the screen at the conclusion of the film, immediately preceding the end credits, which
reads: "No one will ever know whether children are monsters or monsters are children."
This quote is attributed to Henry James, which makes sense--that totally sounds like
something he would say. I must admit that I'm curious as to what he'd be more outraged by
if he were still alive: that his words had been appropriated for use in a terrible zombie
movie, or that they made no sense whatsoever in the context in which they were used in
said zombie movie. Here's hoping that zombie Lucio Fulci never runs into zombie Henry
James, because if he does, he's going to have deal with some good old fashioned
zombie-on-zombie rage. Unlike The House by the Cemetery, that's something I'd actually
like to see.
Score: 1
Comedy: In a movie as soul-crushing as this one, there isn't that much comedy to be had.
That being said, I will admit that at times, Bob's voiceover bears a resemblance to David
Cross' Lazy Kevin character from the Heaven's Chimney episode of Mr. Show, and listening
to him with that mental image lightens the mood considerably (if you don't know what I'm
talking about, shame on you; you can watch the skit here.) Also, towards the end of the
movie, when Dr. Freudstein is chasing Bob, he starts screaming, sounding a lot like Ned
Flanders in the process. Still, neither of these things are enough to make the movie
enjoyable. Overall, what's funny to me about this whole thing is the notion that people
consider Fulci to be some sort of zombie-movie genius. Say what you want about the
genius of Zombi, The House by the Cemetery and City of the Living Dead beg to differ.
Score: 2
Originality: Um, well...this is the only zombie movie that I know of that takes place in rural
Massachusetts, so it's got that going for it. Also, this is the only movie I've ever seen in
which a character calls what is clearly a Curious George doll "Yogi." So...yeah. Great.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: I doubt that I even need to write anything for this category, but I will anyway.
The House by the Cemetery is definitely not worth watching again. As a matter of fact, I had
already seen this movie once, and was dreading watching it again for purposes of review.
Do you see what I go through for you people? DO YOU? Sadly, this "rewatching this piece
of shit movie is a terrible experience" was a point that was driven home by the numerous
stirring "eye close-up" segments sprinkled throughout the film. For some reason, Fulci
chooses to, during almost every dramatic moment, have the camera perform a close-up on
the eyes of his various actors, and then cut between the different sets of eyes as they're all
looking at each other. These eye-shots only serve to prove that Lucio Fulci is no Ingmar
Bergman. Hell, they prove that he's not even a Jay Bergman (who, as we all know, worked
as an editor on several Playboy straight-to-video releases.) I think you see what I'm saying
here.
Score: 1
| A pair of eyes doing something that mine couldn't during this film: staying open. |
Datedness: The House by the Cemetery commits the cardinal datedness sin of showing
automobiles early and often, and as we all know, the only things that dates a movie quicker
than showing a car are showing someone smoking indoors or showing a man calming a
woman by slapping her. Beyond the car thing, there's also the fact that because the movie
is set in the early 80s, all of its characters seem to think that pills are the answer to all of
life's problems. Thankfully, times have changed, and people are no longer interested in
quick-fix, effort-free remedies to things. Oh, wait. Never mind. Let's move on to the next
category, shall we?
Score: 1
Soundtrack: The soundtrack for The House by the Cemetery was composed by Walter
Rizzati, which is a pretty cool fucking name. Innovatively, instead of the normal all-keyboard
shit that zombie movies from this era use exclusively, Rizzati's soundtrack branches out,
using keyboards and piano. Wow. That's about the only nice thing I can say about it, as the
sound editing on this film is abominable--there are tons of organ crescendos in the film
that increase and increase in volume, only to abruptly cut to no music whatsoever. This
happens numerous times, enough to make me think that it couldn't have been an accident,
and after a while, it's seriously fucking annoying. Such cutting is only topped by the
sequence early on in the film, when a foreboding keyboard flood instantaneously gives way
to a funk song. Regardless, either way, it’s BOGUS.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: The House by the Cemetery shows off a pair of boobies a mere 38
seconds into the movie. That's got to be some kind of record. Honestly, I can't recall any
feature, even a porn film, that features nudity that early. Kudos to all involved. I should also
point out that this nude scene underscores something that I've long believed: it's
imminently classy to have sex in an abandoned house filled with cobwebs. Anyways, as
promising as these 38-second-knockers are, they're the only ones you see for the rest of
the film, unless you count a glimpse of a hacked-up, bloody female torso on Dr.
Freudstein's work bench--and I sincerely hope that you don't, because if you do, you have
severe emotional problems and are FREAKING ME OUT.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Paolo Malco as Dr. Norman Boyle. Paolo Malco kind of looks like a young
Kenny Loggins. That's about all I have to say about him.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Catriona MacColl as Lucy Boyle. Apparently, Lucy Boyle was to
Lucio Fulci as Uma Thurman is to Quentin Tarantino: a muse. I say this because in
addition to The House by the Cemetery, she is also featured in Fulci's The Beyond and City
of the Living Dead. I'm not sure why he was so enamored of her skills--she's not a bad
actress, but she's not great either--she's just kind of there. Let's just say that she's the poor-
woman's Michelle Pfeiffer and move on, okay?
Score: 3
Overall Cast: Overall, the cast of The House by the Cemetery suck as bad as the film itself,
if that makes any sense. Who should I single out? I suppose I could say that Ania Pieroni,
who plays Ann, the babysitter, best exemplifies the overall cast of this film: she has physical
features that are distracting (in her case, eyebrows the size of billboards), and her acting
sucks. To sum up, the cast of this movie is just one big buffet of suckitude. Honestly, I
haven't seen expressionless acting on this grand a scale since I visited the Hall of
Presidents at the Magic Kingdom. What a waste.
Score: 1
Token Scientist: It's hard to say if this film has a scientist. While the lead character,
Norman Boyle, is a "Doctor", I'm not sure of what (although if I had to guess, I would say that
he earned his PhD in beard grooming.) So, in lieu of a clear candidate here, I'm just going
to use this space to discuss Gianpaolo Saccarola, who plays Daniel Douglas, the wormy,
creepy librarian. Gianpaolo Saccarola, plays Daniel Douglas, the librarian, and is the
creepiest, wormiest dude that I've ever seen. Also, he is not a scientist, therefore he sucks.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: One of the things that makes The House by the Cemetery such a chore to
sit through is the fact that it features no fat guys, although by the end of the film, I myself
might have been a nominee for this title, as I kept going to the kitchen during the film, under
the pretense of getting a snack; in reality, I was just looking for an excuse to get away from
the film, if only for a few seconds. The only thing worse than a zombie movie with no fat
guys in it is one that turns its viewers into fatties.
Score: 1
Best Line: The first time that I saw The House by the Cemetery, I held the top line of the film
to be Bob's classic question: "Ann, Mommy says that you're not dead. Is that true?", for
obvious reasons. This time around, however, I'm going to with a statement made by Meg:
"You shouldn't have come, Bob." Not only does this line advance the film's "plot", it also
succinctly expresses what every in the audience is thinking by that point in the movie. I don't
know who invited you to participate, Bob, but you should have stayed home.
Score: 3
Intangibles: When it comes to the intangibles of The House by the Cemetery, we must, of
course, turn our attention to Bob. Not only is he, as described previously, annoying as shit,
but his annoyance becomes compounded over time, making each moment that he's on
screen more painful than the last. Couple this with the higher-than average numbers of
plot-holes and discrepancies in this film, and you have yourself one utterly shit-tastic
experience.
Score: 1
Zombie Believability: As I've said in other reviews, it's hard to rate a zombie as believable
when you hardly get to see it. To this I would add an addendum that states that while it's
hard to tell if a zombie is believable if you hardly see it, it's also hard to get an audience to
accept a zombie as believable when you tease its appearance for one hour and sixteen
minutes of a one hour and twenty-six minute film, and then spend about $5.00 on the
composition of the zombie itself. In other words, there's a great build-up to the Freudstein
zombie in The House by the Cemetery, the ONLY zombie in the film, and yet when you
finally see it, you're utterly disappointed, because it's just a dude in a cheap mask with
some makeup on his hands. Honestly, I don't know which was a more deflating "didn't live
up to the build-up" event in my life: (1) seeing The Phantom Menace, (2) getting laid on
prom night, or (3) finally seeing Dr. Freudstein at the end of this "film."
All of that being said, I would just like to point out that one thing about the Freudstein
zombie is believable: that he would want to kill everyone in this in this shitty, shitty movie.
Score: 2
Zombie Attack Scenes: There's a pretty ripping zombie attack scene at the very opening of
the film, which might lead one to believe that s/he is in for a wild, zombie-attacking good
time. Alas, this proves not to be the case, as through the first 44-minutes of The House by
the Cemetery, there are as many bat attacks as there are zombie attacks, namely one. To
add to the disappointment, said bat attack is much, much longer and gorier than the
zombie attack. I think I speak for zombie movie fans everywhere when I say: LAME.
Score: 1
automobiles early and often, and as we all know, the only things that dates a movie quicker
than showing a car are showing someone smoking indoors or showing a man calming a
woman by slapping her. Beyond the car thing, there's also the fact that because the movie
is set in the early 80s, all of its characters seem to think that pills are the answer to all of
life's problems. Thankfully, times have changed, and people are no longer interested in
quick-fix, effort-free remedies to things. Oh, wait. Never mind. Let's move on to the next
category, shall we?
Score: 1
Soundtrack: The soundtrack for The House by the Cemetery was composed by Walter
Rizzati, which is a pretty cool fucking name. Innovatively, instead of the normal all-keyboard
shit that zombie movies from this era use exclusively, Rizzati's soundtrack branches out,
using keyboards and piano. Wow. That's about the only nice thing I can say about it, as the
sound editing on this film is abominable--there are tons of organ crescendos in the film
that increase and increase in volume, only to abruptly cut to no music whatsoever. This
happens numerous times, enough to make me think that it couldn't have been an accident,
and after a while, it's seriously fucking annoying. Such cutting is only topped by the
sequence early on in the film, when a foreboding keyboard flood instantaneously gives way
to a funk song. Regardless, either way, it’s BOGUS.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: The House by the Cemetery shows off a pair of boobies a mere 38
seconds into the movie. That's got to be some kind of record. Honestly, I can't recall any
feature, even a porn film, that features nudity that early. Kudos to all involved. I should also
point out that this nude scene underscores something that I've long believed: it's
imminently classy to have sex in an abandoned house filled with cobwebs. Anyways, as
promising as these 38-second-knockers are, they're the only ones you see for the rest of
the film, unless you count a glimpse of a hacked-up, bloody female torso on Dr.
Freudstein's work bench--and I sincerely hope that you don't, because if you do, you have
severe emotional problems and are FREAKING ME OUT.
Score: 2
Lead Actor: Paolo Malco as Dr. Norman Boyle. Paolo Malco kind of looks like a young
Kenny Loggins. That's about all I have to say about him.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Catriona MacColl as Lucy Boyle. Apparently, Lucy Boyle was to
Lucio Fulci as Uma Thurman is to Quentin Tarantino: a muse. I say this because in
addition to The House by the Cemetery, she is also featured in Fulci's The Beyond and City
of the Living Dead. I'm not sure why he was so enamored of her skills--she's not a bad
actress, but she's not great either--she's just kind of there. Let's just say that she's the poor-
woman's Michelle Pfeiffer and move on, okay?
Score: 3
Overall Cast: Overall, the cast of The House by the Cemetery suck as bad as the film itself,
if that makes any sense. Who should I single out? I suppose I could say that Ania Pieroni,
who plays Ann, the babysitter, best exemplifies the overall cast of this film: she has physical
features that are distracting (in her case, eyebrows the size of billboards), and her acting
sucks. To sum up, the cast of this movie is just one big buffet of suckitude. Honestly, I
haven't seen expressionless acting on this grand a scale since I visited the Hall of
Presidents at the Magic Kingdom. What a waste.
Score: 1
Token Scientist: It's hard to say if this film has a scientist. While the lead character,
Norman Boyle, is a "Doctor", I'm not sure of what (although if I had to guess, I would say that
he earned his PhD in beard grooming.) So, in lieu of a clear candidate here, I'm just going
to use this space to discuss Gianpaolo Saccarola, who plays Daniel Douglas, the wormy,
creepy librarian. Gianpaolo Saccarola, plays Daniel Douglas, the librarian, and is the
creepiest, wormiest dude that I've ever seen. Also, he is not a scientist, therefore he sucks.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: One of the things that makes The House by the Cemetery such a chore to
sit through is the fact that it features no fat guys, although by the end of the film, I myself
might have been a nominee for this title, as I kept going to the kitchen during the film, under
the pretense of getting a snack; in reality, I was just looking for an excuse to get away from
the film, if only for a few seconds. The only thing worse than a zombie movie with no fat
guys in it is one that turns its viewers into fatties.
Score: 1
Best Line: The first time that I saw The House by the Cemetery, I held the top line of the film
to be Bob's classic question: "Ann, Mommy says that you're not dead. Is that true?", for
obvious reasons. This time around, however, I'm going to with a statement made by Meg:
"You shouldn't have come, Bob." Not only does this line advance the film's "plot", it also
succinctly expresses what every in the audience is thinking by that point in the movie. I don't
know who invited you to participate, Bob, but you should have stayed home.
Score: 3
Intangibles: When it comes to the intangibles of The House by the Cemetery, we must, of
course, turn our attention to Bob. Not only is he, as described previously, annoying as shit,
but his annoyance becomes compounded over time, making each moment that he's on
screen more painful than the last. Couple this with the higher-than average numbers of
plot-holes and discrepancies in this film, and you have yourself one utterly shit-tastic
experience.
Score: 1
Zombie Believability: As I've said in other reviews, it's hard to rate a zombie as believable
when you hardly get to see it. To this I would add an addendum that states that while it's
hard to tell if a zombie is believable if you hardly see it, it's also hard to get an audience to
accept a zombie as believable when you tease its appearance for one hour and sixteen
minutes of a one hour and twenty-six minute film, and then spend about $5.00 on the
composition of the zombie itself. In other words, there's a great build-up to the Freudstein
zombie in The House by the Cemetery, the ONLY zombie in the film, and yet when you
finally see it, you're utterly disappointed, because it's just a dude in a cheap mask with
some makeup on his hands. Honestly, I don't know which was a more deflating "didn't live
up to the build-up" event in my life: (1) seeing The Phantom Menace, (2) getting laid on
prom night, or (3) finally seeing Dr. Freudstein at the end of this "film."
All of that being said, I would just like to point out that one thing about the Freudstein
zombie is believable: that he would want to kill everyone in this in this shitty, shitty movie.
Score: 2
Zombie Attack Scenes: There's a pretty ripping zombie attack scene at the very opening of
the film, which might lead one to believe that s/he is in for a wild, zombie-attacking good
time. Alas, this proves not to be the case, as through the first 44-minutes of The House by
the Cemetery, there are as many bat attacks as there are zombie attacks, namely one. To
add to the disappointment, said bat attack is much, much longer and gorier than the
zombie attack. I think I speak for zombie movie fans everywhere when I say: LAME.
Score: 1
| Insert witty caption here--I'm too bored to think of anything at this point. |
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: Needless to say, with one zombie, you can't really have a zombie
orgy. NEXT.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: Aside from boredom and confusion, the only real anti-zombie
weapon on display in this flick is an axe, which is wielded with very little skill, as pictured
above. Whatever.
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: One of the more glaring flaws of The House by the Cemetery is
that no explanation is ever attempted, even in a half-assed fashion, for how Dr. Freudstein
became a flesh-munching zombie in the first place. I mean sure, towards the end of the
film, Norman "discovers" that Freudstein "renews his cells" by munching on people, but no
one ever explains how he arrived in his zombified state in the first place. I mean, give us
SOMETHING to work with, here.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": There are some things that are unique about the Freudstein
zombie. In many ways he doesn't so much act like a zombie as he does a ghost, for
example by making lots of noise, or turning off lamps WITH HIS MIND. Also, he has funky
glow in the dark eyes that he uses to disorient people, this by making said eyes look like
really, really cheap light bulbs, blinding one (ironically) to the fact that they're actual eyes
instead of a lame "special effect." Genius.
Score: 2
Zombie Consistency: Well, there's only one zombie in The House by the Cemetery, so I
guess I have to say that he's consistent with himself, and in the larger sense that he's as
boring and underwhelming as everything else in the movie.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: Who else but the inimitable Dr. Freudstein could be this film's signature
zombie? No one else, that's who. Since there's really nothing left to discuss at this point, it
might be a good time for me to discuss the fact that I find the name "Freudstein" to be
seriously fucking lame. Was this really the best name that they could come up with? I get
the feeling that a conversation very similar to this one occurred during the writing of the film:
Lucio Fulci (director): "We need to give this doctor-character a name that will make the
audience think he was really smart."
Giorgio Mariuzzo (screenplay co-writer): "What do you suggest?"
Fulci: "I don't know, something like "Freud", but more doctory sounding."
Mariuzzo: "How about 'Freudstein'?"
Fulci: "That's perfect!"
Remember when I was saying earlier that there wasn't really a token scientist in this film?
In hindsight, that's probably a good thing, as they probably would have called him Dr.
Einsteinstein and proved the old adage that no matter how bad a zombie movie is, it could
always be a little worse.
Score: 1
Total Points: 47
Verdict: The House by the Cemetery is in my opinion, the worst zombie movie that I've ever
seen, and I have no compunction giving it the fewest points ever for a film reviewed on
ZombieTastic. Look, I love zombie movies, and I love shitty zombie movies, but I have to
draw the line somewhere, and this is where I do it--next to the house that's outside and/or
by the cemetery. This film simply doesn't have anything going for it--from effects to gore to
script to performances--it's terrible from top to bottom. And, the kicker is that it takes itself
more seriously than a ninth grader writing poetry, and is just a drag from start to finish. I
have no problem with a film being inept, except when its makers know better. The man
who brought us Zombi 2 shouldn't be wasting his, or our, time with garbage like The House
by the Cemetery. Of course, the flipside of this is that Fulci is a beloved director with a cult
following, and many people site this film as one of his best. So, if anyone out there is
willing to write a coherent, logical defense of this film, I'd be glad to run it on this site. Email
me if you're interested. Until then, be well, and beware of freaky kids named Bob.
Next Time: Zombie Doom
orgy. NEXT.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: Aside from boredom and confusion, the only real anti-zombie
weapon on display in this flick is an axe, which is wielded with very little skill, as pictured
above. Whatever.
Score: 1
Zombification Explanation: One of the more glaring flaws of The House by the Cemetery is
that no explanation is ever attempted, even in a half-assed fashion, for how Dr. Freudstein
became a flesh-munching zombie in the first place. I mean sure, towards the end of the
film, Norman "discovers" that Freudstein "renews his cells" by munching on people, but no
one ever explains how he arrived in his zombified state in the first place. I mean, give us
SOMETHING to work with, here.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": There are some things that are unique about the Freudstein
zombie. In many ways he doesn't so much act like a zombie as he does a ghost, for
example by making lots of noise, or turning off lamps WITH HIS MIND. Also, he has funky
glow in the dark eyes that he uses to disorient people, this by making said eyes look like
really, really cheap light bulbs, blinding one (ironically) to the fact that they're actual eyes
instead of a lame "special effect." Genius.
Score: 2
Zombie Consistency: Well, there's only one zombie in The House by the Cemetery, so I
guess I have to say that he's consistent with himself, and in the larger sense that he's as
boring and underwhelming as everything else in the movie.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: Who else but the inimitable Dr. Freudstein could be this film's signature
zombie? No one else, that's who. Since there's really nothing left to discuss at this point, it
might be a good time for me to discuss the fact that I find the name "Freudstein" to be
seriously fucking lame. Was this really the best name that they could come up with? I get
the feeling that a conversation very similar to this one occurred during the writing of the film:
Lucio Fulci (director): "We need to give this doctor-character a name that will make the
audience think he was really smart."
Giorgio Mariuzzo (screenplay co-writer): "What do you suggest?"
Fulci: "I don't know, something like "Freud", but more doctory sounding."
Mariuzzo: "How about 'Freudstein'?"
Fulci: "That's perfect!"
Remember when I was saying earlier that there wasn't really a token scientist in this film?
In hindsight, that's probably a good thing, as they probably would have called him Dr.
Einsteinstein and proved the old adage that no matter how bad a zombie movie is, it could
always be a little worse.
Score: 1
Total Points: 47
Verdict: The House by the Cemetery is in my opinion, the worst zombie movie that I've ever
seen, and I have no compunction giving it the fewest points ever for a film reviewed on
ZombieTastic. Look, I love zombie movies, and I love shitty zombie movies, but I have to
draw the line somewhere, and this is where I do it--next to the house that's outside and/or
by the cemetery. This film simply doesn't have anything going for it--from effects to gore to
script to performances--it's terrible from top to bottom. And, the kicker is that it takes itself
more seriously than a ninth grader writing poetry, and is just a drag from start to finish. I
have no problem with a film being inept, except when its makers know better. The man
who brought us Zombi 2 shouldn't be wasting his, or our, time with garbage like The House
by the Cemetery. Of course, the flipside of this is that Fulci is a beloved director with a cult
following, and many people site this film as one of his best. So, if anyone out there is
willing to write a coherent, logical defense of this film, I'd be glad to run it on this site. Email
me if you're interested. Until then, be well, and beware of freaky kids named Bob.
Next Time: Zombie Doom
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