The ZombieTastic Review of:
Zombie Doom
Zombie Doom
Director: Andreas Schnaas
Year of Release: 1999
Country of Origin: Germany
Type of Zombie Film: Gigantic Piece of Garbage with Ninjas.
Also Known as: Violent Shit 3: Infantry of Doom
Part of a series?: Yes
The Scoring
Plot: Question: what happens when you combine ninjas without martial arts skills, a gaggle
of out-of-shape German soldiers, special effects based around action figures, and acting
so bad that the addition of a chimp with a working knowledge of pantomime could only
improve the proceedings? Answer: you get Zombie Doom, a.k.a. the biggest mess of a
movie this side of Alan Smithee. Actually that's not fair--Alan Smithee could direct circles
around Andreas Schnaas, and this is taking into the account the fact that he doesn't even
exist. I'm mentioning all of this here as a way of saying that I have no idea what the plot of
this movie is, but I don't feel bad about that, because I'm pretty sure that no one else does,
either. All I know is that it sucks on a Battlefield Earth-esque level, and perhaps more
importantly for our purposes, for a movie that has the word zombie in the title, the sad fact
is that zombies are only a factor in this "film" for approximately 10 minutes. So without
zombies and/or a plot, what do we have left? An excruciating experience, as the rest of this
review will detail.
Score: 1
Exposition: There's only one exposition scene in Zombie Doom, which is both a blessing
and curse. It's a blessing because if anything, this movie needed less footage, not more.
It's a curse for two reasons:
Plausibility: It probably goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: the implausibility factor is
high in Zombie Doom. I could catalogue individual instances of implausibility, but what
would be the point? That's not a rhetorical question--I'm seriously asking. I guess
ultimately, the film's sheer implausibility is highlighted by the segment in which one of the
characters (I forget who) (like it even matters) is knocked out, only to instantly regain
consciousness when urine is thrown into his face. Look, I've had urine thrown in my face
on a number of occasions, and let me tell you brother, it doesn't wake you up. Believe me.
Um...maybe I should just stop talking now and move onto the next category.
Score: 1
Year of Release: 1999
Country of Origin: Germany
Type of Zombie Film: Gigantic Piece of Garbage with Ninjas.
Also Known as: Violent Shit 3: Infantry of Doom
Part of a series?: Yes
The Scoring
Plot: Question: what happens when you combine ninjas without martial arts skills, a gaggle
of out-of-shape German soldiers, special effects based around action figures, and acting
so bad that the addition of a chimp with a working knowledge of pantomime could only
improve the proceedings? Answer: you get Zombie Doom, a.k.a. the biggest mess of a
movie this side of Alan Smithee. Actually that's not fair--Alan Smithee could direct circles
around Andreas Schnaas, and this is taking into the account the fact that he doesn't even
exist. I'm mentioning all of this here as a way of saying that I have no idea what the plot of
this movie is, but I don't feel bad about that, because I'm pretty sure that no one else does,
either. All I know is that it sucks on a Battlefield Earth-esque level, and perhaps more
importantly for our purposes, for a movie that has the word zombie in the title, the sad fact
is that zombies are only a factor in this "film" for approximately 10 minutes. So without
zombies and/or a plot, what do we have left? An excruciating experience, as the rest of this
review will detail.
Score: 1
Exposition: There's only one exposition scene in Zombie Doom, which is both a blessing
and curse. It's a blessing because if anything, this movie needed less footage, not more.
It's a curse for two reasons:
- Zombie Doom is the third installment of the "Violent Shit Trilogy", and presumably
starts off where the second film ended. I say 'presumably' because there's
absolutely no contextual information given for those of us who haven't viewed the
entire trilogy. No, the film simply throws the viewer into the action, starting out with
three jackasses floating in an aquatic vessel, muttering about someone's cousin or
something. I think that this must have had something to do with the previous film in
the trilogy, but I guess I'll never know, because I'd rather make love to a wheat
thresher than watch another movie made by Andreas Schnaas. - The one scene of exposition that is featured in the film is a flashback that the
character of Leon has about his wife being killed. This flashback is ridiculously
long, and it features incredibly ugly women getting naked, and it culminates in what
is quite probably the single worst special effect in the history of filmmaking, and that
includes the Battlestar Galactica-inspired movie that my brother made when he was
8 (and also Jumanji, now that I think about it). 'Nuff said.
Plausibility: It probably goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: the implausibility factor is
high in Zombie Doom. I could catalogue individual instances of implausibility, but what
would be the point? That's not a rhetorical question--I'm seriously asking. I guess
ultimately, the film's sheer implausibility is highlighted by the segment in which one of the
characters (I forget who) (like it even matters) is knocked out, only to instantly regain
consciousness when urine is thrown into his face. Look, I've had urine thrown in my face
on a number of occasions, and let me tell you brother, it doesn't wake you up. Believe me.
Um...maybe I should just stop talking now and move onto the next category.
Score: 1
| Nice "armor", wankers. |
Production Value: The voiceover soliloquies when the actors on-screen haven't moved
their lips for a number of seconds, the constant, inexplicable transitions to grainy montage
sequences, the pieces of armor that appear to have been assembled from spatulas...all of
these things add up to one unavoidable conclusion: this film must have had a budget
somewhere slightly south of a #2 value meal from Wendy's (without the Biggie Sizing). Let
me put it to you this way: Zombie Doom features production values so shitty, it makes the
films of Ed Wood look like that film Ed Wood, which, while being a movie about a shitty
movie maker, was a movie made with a lot of skill and talent and money. Do you see what
I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm lost at this point.
Score: 1
Special Effects: I've hinted at it before, and now I must discuss it in detail: at the conclusion
of the aforementioned 'Leon flashback sequence', the aforementioned 'ugly naked chicks'
are "eaten" by the aforementioned 'worst special effect ever' (I know that's a lot of
aforementioning, but bear with me). What is this awful special effect? Simply this: the
uggoes are killed when they're attacked by a monster, and this "monster" is an action figure
photographed in extreme close-up. I'm not kidding. An action figure. I guess too much of
the film's budget was tied up in shitty outfits and ham sandwiches to produce anything
better. The best part of it is that no attempt is made to hide the fact that the menacing
monster is a toy--as a matter of fact, the camera lingers on it for a considerable amount of
time. And yet, through the use of jump-cutting, we're supposed to believe that this tiny,
immobile toy eats a few women. I mean, the thing isn't even poseable--it doesn't have
moveable arms or legs. It doesn't even have joints. What I'm saying is that Andreas
Schnaas could have at least used a G.I. Joe figure painted like a vampire or something in
this scene; in addition to being more flexible, it would have had kung fu grip, which would
have made it infinitely cooler. The point is that if you were in the fourth grade, and one of
your friends made a monster movie, and you watched it and saw that the monster in the
film was an action figure, you'd call your friend a loser and never speak to him again, and
rightly so. So, how much less acceptable is it for a group of "adults" to try to pawn off such
an effect on viewers? Yet again, that's not a rhetorical question.
All of that being said, the movie does at least feature a guillotine with four blades in it, which
is kind of cool conceptually, right? Oh, it isn't? Well, never mind, then.
Score: 1
their lips for a number of seconds, the constant, inexplicable transitions to grainy montage
sequences, the pieces of armor that appear to have been assembled from spatulas...all of
these things add up to one unavoidable conclusion: this film must have had a budget
somewhere slightly south of a #2 value meal from Wendy's (without the Biggie Sizing). Let
me put it to you this way: Zombie Doom features production values so shitty, it makes the
films of Ed Wood look like that film Ed Wood, which, while being a movie about a shitty
movie maker, was a movie made with a lot of skill and talent and money. Do you see what
I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm lost at this point.
Score: 1
Special Effects: I've hinted at it before, and now I must discuss it in detail: at the conclusion
of the aforementioned 'Leon flashback sequence', the aforementioned 'ugly naked chicks'
are "eaten" by the aforementioned 'worst special effect ever' (I know that's a lot of
aforementioning, but bear with me). What is this awful special effect? Simply this: the
uggoes are killed when they're attacked by a monster, and this "monster" is an action figure
photographed in extreme close-up. I'm not kidding. An action figure. I guess too much of
the film's budget was tied up in shitty outfits and ham sandwiches to produce anything
better. The best part of it is that no attempt is made to hide the fact that the menacing
monster is a toy--as a matter of fact, the camera lingers on it for a considerable amount of
time. And yet, through the use of jump-cutting, we're supposed to believe that this tiny,
immobile toy eats a few women. I mean, the thing isn't even poseable--it doesn't have
moveable arms or legs. It doesn't even have joints. What I'm saying is that Andreas
Schnaas could have at least used a G.I. Joe figure painted like a vampire or something in
this scene; in addition to being more flexible, it would have had kung fu grip, which would
have made it infinitely cooler. The point is that if you were in the fourth grade, and one of
your friends made a monster movie, and you watched it and saw that the monster in the
film was an action figure, you'd call your friend a loser and never speak to him again, and
rightly so. So, how much less acceptable is it for a group of "adults" to try to pawn off such
an effect on viewers? Yet again, that's not a rhetorical question.
All of that being said, the movie does at least feature a guillotine with four blades in it, which
is kind of cool conceptually, right? Oh, it isn't? Well, never mind, then.
Score: 1
| The "monster" from the film--available at Target for $1.97. |
Makeup: There aren't a whole lot of makeup effects on display in Zombie Doom, but the
one's that are there are decent looking. Specifically, I'd like to say that the character of 'The
Meister' is kind of cool looking, but I'm not really sure if it's The Meister or not that I'm
referring to. You see, the group of post-apocalyptic overweight German thugs that the
movie's action revolves around are given orders by a character played by the film's director,
Andreas Schnaas (and yes, he acts just as well as he directs, which is to say without any
skill at all); this character in turn is subservient to another character who does a lot of sitting
in a chair. So, the former character is the Starscream to the latter's Megatron, if that makes
any sense (and if not, then you need to spend more time watching cartoons). I'm sure that I
could go to IMDB and figure out who's who, but why bother? Life's too short to waste by
looking at non-pornographic web sites, am I right? All I'm really trying to say is that the
Megatron character has some cool makeup on his face, and the Starscream character has
some makeup that's okay, but not great. But, considering the ineptitude of the rest of this
movie, I at least need to recognize when something is done semi-well.
Score: 2
Scariness: I'll tell you what's scary: that Zombie Doom is available on DVD, but Reds,
Phantom Lady, and the entire run of The Larry Sanders Show aren't. What a world.
Score: 1
Goriness: There is a fair amount of gore on-hand in Zombie Doom; aside from the
previously mentioned torture scene (the one involving the action figure, who appears after
quite a bit of torturing goes on), there are a number of other instances of gore, including a
nasty surgery room sequence, and someone's tailbone getting ripped out through his butt.
The problem is that the whole film is nothing but a vehicle for low-grade gore shot after
low-grade gore shot. If Schnaas only wanted to make a movie to showcase gore effects, he
should have just made an all-gore movie instead of wasting everyone's time with his
clumsy attempts at acting, directing, screen writing, and editing. An all-gore movie would
be far more interesting than this piece of garbage; well, maybe not, but it would at least be
far less annoying.
Score: 1
one's that are there are decent looking. Specifically, I'd like to say that the character of 'The
Meister' is kind of cool looking, but I'm not really sure if it's The Meister or not that I'm
referring to. You see, the group of post-apocalyptic overweight German thugs that the
movie's action revolves around are given orders by a character played by the film's director,
Andreas Schnaas (and yes, he acts just as well as he directs, which is to say without any
skill at all); this character in turn is subservient to another character who does a lot of sitting
in a chair. So, the former character is the Starscream to the latter's Megatron, if that makes
any sense (and if not, then you need to spend more time watching cartoons). I'm sure that I
could go to IMDB and figure out who's who, but why bother? Life's too short to waste by
looking at non-pornographic web sites, am I right? All I'm really trying to say is that the
Megatron character has some cool makeup on his face, and the Starscream character has
some makeup that's okay, but not great. But, considering the ineptitude of the rest of this
movie, I at least need to recognize when something is done semi-well.
Score: 2
Scariness: I'll tell you what's scary: that Zombie Doom is available on DVD, but Reds,
Phantom Lady, and the entire run of The Larry Sanders Show aren't. What a world.
Score: 1
Goriness: There is a fair amount of gore on-hand in Zombie Doom; aside from the
previously mentioned torture scene (the one involving the action figure, who appears after
quite a bit of torturing goes on), there are a number of other instances of gore, including a
nasty surgery room sequence, and someone's tailbone getting ripped out through his butt.
The problem is that the whole film is nothing but a vehicle for low-grade gore shot after
low-grade gore shot. If Schnaas only wanted to make a movie to showcase gore effects, he
should have just made an all-gore movie instead of wasting everyone's time with his
clumsy attempts at acting, directing, screen writing, and editing. An all-gore movie would
be far more interesting than this piece of garbage; well, maybe not, but it would at least be
far less annoying.
Score: 1
| The Meister, or Michael Jackson without makeup? You tell me. |
Final Scene: I'll be blunt: by the time the final scene of this movie rolled around, I was
studying the fine print on a sugar packet that I found on my coffee table. It sure beat
spending any more time watching this heap of shit. Anyway, I think the final scene had
something to do with a video game, because there was fighting that involved a character or
two who looked like they had wandered out of Mortal Kombat. Again, I'm not really sure
what it was about, but one thing I can say for certain is that no zombies were involved.
Lame.
Score: 1
Comedy: You know what's funny about this movie? The fact that its makers can sleep at
night. Wait, that's not funny, it's disturbing. These are dark times that we're living in.
Score: 1
Originality: I suppose from a certain point of view, Zombie Doom is a highly original movie.
I for one can think of few other movies that are able to inspire rage and apathy in equal
measures in its viewers. It also features record use of the words "fuck" and "nephew",
which is actually pretty creepy when you think about it. Add to that the fact that, as I
mentioned, there are hardly any zombies in a movie with the word 'zombie' in the title, and
you have yourself one utterly unique movie. Of course, I can't award very many points for
that; after all, the Spice Girls were highly original too, at least in terms of how badly they
sucked, and you don’t see anyone rewarding them for that, do you? No, you don’t.
Score: 1
Rewatchability: I wouldn't watch this movie again if you paid me $100,000. I'm serious. I
know this type of statement is kind of cliché, but I don't care. Life's too short.
Score: 1
Datedness: Zombie Doom is dated by the fact that the main character of Mark sports a
haircut that I myself sported back in the early-90s that was also sported by one of the dudes
in that band Electronic. This definitely highlights the fact that the movie was made in the
late nineties, because it was made by Germans, and as we all know, Germany is always at
least 6 years behind the hipster curve. But, they are very punctual, which I admire. Yes.
Score: 1
studying the fine print on a sugar packet that I found on my coffee table. It sure beat
spending any more time watching this heap of shit. Anyway, I think the final scene had
something to do with a video game, because there was fighting that involved a character or
two who looked like they had wandered out of Mortal Kombat. Again, I'm not really sure
what it was about, but one thing I can say for certain is that no zombies were involved.
Lame.
Score: 1
Comedy: You know what's funny about this movie? The fact that its makers can sleep at
night. Wait, that's not funny, it's disturbing. These are dark times that we're living in.
Score: 1
Originality: I suppose from a certain point of view, Zombie Doom is a highly original movie.
I for one can think of few other movies that are able to inspire rage and apathy in equal
measures in its viewers. It also features record use of the words "fuck" and "nephew",
which is actually pretty creepy when you think about it. Add to that the fact that, as I
mentioned, there are hardly any zombies in a movie with the word 'zombie' in the title, and
you have yourself one utterly unique movie. Of course, I can't award very many points for
that; after all, the Spice Girls were highly original too, at least in terms of how badly they
sucked, and you don’t see anyone rewarding them for that, do you? No, you don’t.
Score: 1
Rewatchability: I wouldn't watch this movie again if you paid me $100,000. I'm serious. I
know this type of statement is kind of cliché, but I don't care. Life's too short.
Score: 1
Datedness: Zombie Doom is dated by the fact that the main character of Mark sports a
haircut that I myself sported back in the early-90s that was also sported by one of the dudes
in that band Electronic. This definitely highlights the fact that the movie was made in the
late nineties, because it was made by Germans, and as we all know, Germany is always at
least 6 years behind the hipster curve. But, they are very punctual, which I admire. Yes.
Score: 1
| Nice hair--what is this, 1992? ZING! |
Soundtrack: When I watched Zombie Doom and made my original notes, I made a
comment that the composer of the film's soundtrack had a really cool name. Looking it up
after the fact, I see that his name is Gregor Adolf Hartz, which really isn't very cool at all. So,
the one positive thing I could have said about the soundtrack is gone. Oh well. One other
comment that must be made is that during the film's climactic battle scene, the musical
accompaniment sounds like it would be right at home in one of the Lord of the Rings
films--it's very Middle Earth-esque. I can't help but wonder if this perhaps would have been
a better movie if it had been called Hobbit Doom. That's a much cooler title, and perhaps
more importantly, there are almost as many hobbits in this movie as there are zombies.
Think about it.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: As I mentioned earlier, there is nudity in this film, but it involves ugly
women and torture and action figures, thus bringing to mind the question: why would
Andreas Schnaas ruin the only scene in the whole movie with any possibility of being
enjoyable by adding torture and skanks? Oh, right: because he's a sadistic demon sent to
Earth by Satan to sap the joy of watching zombie movies from everyone. I forgot about that
point. My bad.
Score: 1
Lead Actor: Winni Holl, playing the character of Mark. Not only is he a terrible actor, but he
bears a resemblance to Ryan Styles, which makes the film even more disappointing to
watch, because you keep expecting the character of Mark to do or say something, anything,
that's remotely entertaining. But it just never happens.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Joe Neumann as Ron. He was as boring as his character's
name. Next category, please.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Here's what I wrote down in my notes to describe the overall cast of this film
as I was watching it: "Bunch of spatula mask wearing shitheads." I couldn't have said it
better myself, even though I did say it myself. How ironic.
Score: 1
comment that the composer of the film's soundtrack had a really cool name. Looking it up
after the fact, I see that his name is Gregor Adolf Hartz, which really isn't very cool at all. So,
the one positive thing I could have said about the soundtrack is gone. Oh well. One other
comment that must be made is that during the film's climactic battle scene, the musical
accompaniment sounds like it would be right at home in one of the Lord of the Rings
films--it's very Middle Earth-esque. I can't help but wonder if this perhaps would have been
a better movie if it had been called Hobbit Doom. That's a much cooler title, and perhaps
more importantly, there are almost as many hobbits in this movie as there are zombies.
Think about it.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: As I mentioned earlier, there is nudity in this film, but it involves ugly
women and torture and action figures, thus bringing to mind the question: why would
Andreas Schnaas ruin the only scene in the whole movie with any possibility of being
enjoyable by adding torture and skanks? Oh, right: because he's a sadistic demon sent to
Earth by Satan to sap the joy of watching zombie movies from everyone. I forgot about that
point. My bad.
Score: 1
Lead Actor: Winni Holl, playing the character of Mark. Not only is he a terrible actor, but he
bears a resemblance to Ryan Styles, which makes the film even more disappointing to
watch, because you keep expecting the character of Mark to do or say something, anything,
that's remotely entertaining. But it just never happens.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Joe Neumann as Ron. He was as boring as his character's
name. Next category, please.
Score: 1
Overall Cast: Here's what I wrote down in my notes to describe the overall cast of this film
as I was watching it: "Bunch of spatula mask wearing shitheads." I couldn't have said it
better myself, even though I did say it myself. How ironic.
Score: 1
| If these douche bags are in your film, you're in TROUBLE. |
Token Scientist: While this film does feature a sadistic token scientist, he sports a Hitler
mustache, and considering this film's origin, that's a problem. Here's something that I
know to be true: when non-Germans spoof Hitler, it's like Tim the Enchanter: funny. When
Germans spoof Hitler, it's like Tiny Tim: creepy and weird.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: Zombie Doom's token fat guy is none other than Andreas Schnaas himself,
in the role of The Meister (or The Meister's right-hand man). Not since Orson Welles in
Touch of Evil has one large man worn so many different hats (one assumes the hats were
large as well, although having a gigantic ass of course doesn't always mean that one has a
gigantic head). The point is that as much as it pains me to give any credit to this bozo, I
must admit that he does make a rather heavy heavy, if you know what I mean. I hope so,
because I don't.
Score: 2
Best Line: Zombie Doom is full of redundant lines that sound as if they were composed by
a mentally ill child who just learned to write. For example, at the very beginning of the film,
we're treated to this gem, uttered by one of the characters as he sits in a boat: "Sometimes
we shit on others. Like my nephew, who put us in this piece of shit." So, I guess when I
wrote before that the film didn't provide any context for its action, I was wrong--we clearly
know from this line that some dude's nephew is the reason, somehow, that he and two
other dudes are in a boat. We also know that sometimes people shit on other people,
although it's unclear from the statement if this is supposed to be taken literally or
figuratively. Regardless, as if that line weren't good enough, it's followed up later by this
similar-but-even-better utterance: "The world is full of puke and shit, and now a horde of
tin-masked ass holes are puking in our faces filled with shit." I mean, wow...what the fuck
does that even mean? I'd like to give Andreas Schnaas the benefit of the doubt and
assume that this terrible dialogue is due to bad overdub translation, but considering the
rest of the film, that would be a stretch. Ultimately, Zombie Doom's best line is one that
succinctly describes the film as a whole: "This is HELL." Indeed.
Score: 1
Intangibles: As should be clear by now, Zombie Doom is a terrible movie--it's bad to a point
that it saps your energy and prevents you from even making sarcastic comments to pass
the time. It's like the quicksand of movies. All of this adds up to one inescapable
conclusion: if Andreas Schnaas were forced to suffer all of the tortures depicted in this
movie simultaneously, not even Amnesty International would object.
Score: 1
mustache, and considering this film's origin, that's a problem. Here's something that I
know to be true: when non-Germans spoof Hitler, it's like Tim the Enchanter: funny. When
Germans spoof Hitler, it's like Tiny Tim: creepy and weird.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: Zombie Doom's token fat guy is none other than Andreas Schnaas himself,
in the role of The Meister (or The Meister's right-hand man). Not since Orson Welles in
Touch of Evil has one large man worn so many different hats (one assumes the hats were
large as well, although having a gigantic ass of course doesn't always mean that one has a
gigantic head). The point is that as much as it pains me to give any credit to this bozo, I
must admit that he does make a rather heavy heavy, if you know what I mean. I hope so,
because I don't.
Score: 2
Best Line: Zombie Doom is full of redundant lines that sound as if they were composed by
a mentally ill child who just learned to write. For example, at the very beginning of the film,
we're treated to this gem, uttered by one of the characters as he sits in a boat: "Sometimes
we shit on others. Like my nephew, who put us in this piece of shit." So, I guess when I
wrote before that the film didn't provide any context for its action, I was wrong--we clearly
know from this line that some dude's nephew is the reason, somehow, that he and two
other dudes are in a boat. We also know that sometimes people shit on other people,
although it's unclear from the statement if this is supposed to be taken literally or
figuratively. Regardless, as if that line weren't good enough, it's followed up later by this
similar-but-even-better utterance: "The world is full of puke and shit, and now a horde of
tin-masked ass holes are puking in our faces filled with shit." I mean, wow...what the fuck
does that even mean? I'd like to give Andreas Schnaas the benefit of the doubt and
assume that this terrible dialogue is due to bad overdub translation, but considering the
rest of the film, that would be a stretch. Ultimately, Zombie Doom's best line is one that
succinctly describes the film as a whole: "This is HELL." Indeed.
Score: 1
Intangibles: As should be clear by now, Zombie Doom is a terrible movie--it's bad to a point
that it saps your energy and prevents you from even making sarcastic comments to pass
the time. It's like the quicksand of movies. All of this adds up to one inescapable
conclusion: if Andreas Schnaas were forced to suffer all of the tortures depicted in this
movie simultaneously, not even Amnesty International would object.
Score: 1
| Andreas Schnaas demonstrates what it feels like to watch this movie. |
Zombie Believability: Some of the zombies in this movie are kind of cool looking, whereas
others are incredibly cheaply made up. I guess that's irrelevant though, considering that the
zombies are on-screen for less than ten minutes. I wish I could think of something pithy to
say here, but I can't. Please take a moment to think of something funny and/or insightful
that you may have read somewhere else at some other time, and then proceed to the next
category. Thank you.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: It really doesn't matter how decent a zombie looks in a film if it's
used improperly, and such is the case in Zombie Doom during its sole zombie attack
scene; taking place in a forest, it's easily the slowest, clumsiest, most awkward "fight" that
I've ever seen (the wrestling matches of Mr. T notwithstanding). It's like Bob Fosse said:
choreography is your friend, people.
Score: 1
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There are no zombie "orgy" scenes to speak of in Zombie Doom,
which is a good thing, because that means that the film wasn't as long as it could have
been. Awesome.
Score: 1
others are incredibly cheaply made up. I guess that's irrelevant though, considering that the
zombies are on-screen for less than ten minutes. I wish I could think of something pithy to
say here, but I can't. Please take a moment to think of something funny and/or insightful
that you may have read somewhere else at some other time, and then proceed to the next
category. Thank you.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: It really doesn't matter how decent a zombie looks in a film if it's
used improperly, and such is the case in Zombie Doom during its sole zombie attack
scene; taking place in a forest, it's easily the slowest, clumsiest, most awkward "fight" that
I've ever seen (the wrestling matches of Mr. T notwithstanding). It's like Bob Fosse said:
choreography is your friend, people.
Score: 1
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There are no zombie "orgy" scenes to speak of in Zombie Doom,
which is a good thing, because that means that the film wasn't as long as it could have
been. Awesome.
Score: 1
| Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that Zombie Doom features more ninjas than zombies? |
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: For all its problems (including a stunning lack of zombies),
Zombie Doom at least has some cool anti-zombie action, including one getting its head
punched in, and one getting its head twisted off. So, it's got that going for it...which is nice.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: I have no idea how the zombies in this film were zombified, nor
do I know who they were, where they came from, or if there were any more. No news is
good news, I guess.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": In terms of the overall zombie look, Zombie Doom doesn't feature
anything that you haven't seen before, unless you've never seen a zombie movie besides
this one, in which case I feel very, very sorry for you. Here's a tag line that could have been
used for this movie: If you don't see a zombie movie this year, make it this one!
Score: 1
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in this film are highly consistent in a manner eerily
similar to that band Damn Yankees: kind of lame, and gone before you even realize they're
there.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: The signature zombie by the end of this movie was none other than
yours truly, i.e., Me. Actually I felt worse than that by the end of this movie--I was a
sub-zombie. But, I survived, and in the end, isn't that what matters?
Score: 1
Total Points: 34
Verdict: In my review for The House by the Cemetery, I claimed that that movie was the
worst zombie movie that I had ever seen. I should point out that I hadn't seen Zombie
Doom when I wrote that. Look, Zombie Doom is a terrible movie, but any movie can be
terrible--just look at the oeuvre of Ed Burns. No, it takes a special kind of movie to be worse
than terrible, and Zombie Doom is that type of movie. Never before have I regretted
ZombieTastic's policy of not giving 0's or negative points in categories as I did during this
review. Ultimately, the only way that I can sum up my feelings about it is by saying this:
Zombie Doom makes me embarrassed to be a member of the human race. I sincerely
hope that this thing hasn't been beamed out into space, as a movie like this could cause
irreparable harm to human-alien relations. A chilling thought, indeed.
Next Time: Tombs of the Blind Dead
Zombie Doom at least has some cool anti-zombie action, including one getting its head
punched in, and one getting its head twisted off. So, it's got that going for it...which is nice.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: I have no idea how the zombies in this film were zombified, nor
do I know who they were, where they came from, or if there were any more. No news is
good news, I guess.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": In terms of the overall zombie look, Zombie Doom doesn't feature
anything that you haven't seen before, unless you've never seen a zombie movie besides
this one, in which case I feel very, very sorry for you. Here's a tag line that could have been
used for this movie: If you don't see a zombie movie this year, make it this one!
Score: 1
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in this film are highly consistent in a manner eerily
similar to that band Damn Yankees: kind of lame, and gone before you even realize they're
there.
Score: 2
Signature Zombie: The signature zombie by the end of this movie was none other than
yours truly, i.e., Me. Actually I felt worse than that by the end of this movie--I was a
sub-zombie. But, I survived, and in the end, isn't that what matters?
Score: 1
Total Points: 34
Verdict: In my review for The House by the Cemetery, I claimed that that movie was the
worst zombie movie that I had ever seen. I should point out that I hadn't seen Zombie
Doom when I wrote that. Look, Zombie Doom is a terrible movie, but any movie can be
terrible--just look at the oeuvre of Ed Burns. No, it takes a special kind of movie to be worse
than terrible, and Zombie Doom is that type of movie. Never before have I regretted
ZombieTastic's policy of not giving 0's or negative points in categories as I did during this
review. Ultimately, the only way that I can sum up my feelings about it is by saying this:
Zombie Doom makes me embarrassed to be a member of the human race. I sincerely
hope that this thing hasn't been beamed out into space, as a movie like this could cause
irreparable harm to human-alien relations. A chilling thought, indeed.
Next Time: Tombs of the Blind Dead
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