The ZombieTastic Review of:
Tombs of the Blind Dead
Tombs of the Blind Dead
Director: Amando de Ossorio
Year of Release: 1971
Country of Origin: Spain/Portugal
Type of Zombie Film: Blind, Satan-Loving Undead Shenanigans.
Also Known as: Night of the Blind Dead, Crypt of the Blind Dead,
The Blind Dead, Revenge from Planet Ape, La Noche del Terror
Ciego
Part of a series?: Yes
The Scoring
Plot: In 1250, a bunch of Templar Knights started practicing the black arts. No, they didn't
become hip-hop artists; rather, they began to kill women and drink their blood.
Subsequently, at some point "the man" developed a problem with these dudes and their
innocent, fun-loving, party-time ways, and slaughtered them all, and in the process their
eyes were eaten by vultures or crows or something. Years later, two ladies who may or
may not have had "lesbian relations" with each other randomly meet and decide to take a
train ride. After one of the lady's dudes puts the moves on the other lady, the first lady (are
you following this?) jumps off the train, camps out in an abandoned monastery, and in the
process causes the now-blind, also now-dead Knights to arise in zombie form and start
feasting upon the blood of the living (they seem to especially enjoy this act if said blood is
flowing through the veins of nubile, full-blooded women--but who doesn’t?) Eventually, total
mayhem ensues, as does one kick-ass cat fight. You can never have enough cat fights,
that's what I say.
Score: 5
Year of Release: 1971
Country of Origin: Spain/Portugal
Type of Zombie Film: Blind, Satan-Loving Undead Shenanigans.
Also Known as: Night of the Blind Dead, Crypt of the Blind Dead,
The Blind Dead, Revenge from Planet Ape, La Noche del Terror
Ciego
Part of a series?: Yes
The Scoring
Plot: In 1250, a bunch of Templar Knights started practicing the black arts. No, they didn't
become hip-hop artists; rather, they began to kill women and drink their blood.
Subsequently, at some point "the man" developed a problem with these dudes and their
innocent, fun-loving, party-time ways, and slaughtered them all, and in the process their
eyes were eaten by vultures or crows or something. Years later, two ladies who may or
may not have had "lesbian relations" with each other randomly meet and decide to take a
train ride. After one of the lady's dudes puts the moves on the other lady, the first lady (are
you following this?) jumps off the train, camps out in an abandoned monastery, and in the
process causes the now-blind, also now-dead Knights to arise in zombie form and start
feasting upon the blood of the living (they seem to especially enjoy this act if said blood is
flowing through the veins of nubile, full-blooded women--but who doesn’t?) Eventually, total
mayhem ensues, as does one kick-ass cat fight. You can never have enough cat fights,
that's what I say.
Score: 5
| The best part about the plot...cat fight! |
Exposition: There are a couple of exposition scenes in Tombs of the Blind Dead, but they're
handled quite well. The first involves a girl giving valuable information concerning the local
superstitions/legends of the Templar Knights; the second occurs when a professor fills in
other gaps later on to give the full story of the Knights' disturbing, blood-loving history. Not
only are these scenes unobtrusive and integrated very well into the film, but they also take
place in a mannequin factory and a library, respectively; needless to say, such settings
make for some sweet viewing.
Score: 4
Plausibility: Let me state upfront that there are very few things that I know about women;
hell, you could fill the Atlantic Ocean 7 or 8 times over with the amount of stuff that I don't
know about the ladies. (And if that doesn't impress you, then I suggest that you consult an
atlas--the Atlantic Ocean is, like really big. It's easily bigger than Lake Ontario. I think.) That
being said, even I know that when women are upset, they don't spontaneously jump off of
trains, drag their hefty luggage through field after field, and then camp out in the damp,
musty, creepy, eerily-lit, crumbling, and strangely-deserted ruins of a monastery. They just
don't. In other words, the sequence that sets the entire film into motion is rather
implausible.
As if that point weren't bad enough, the film also features a close-up of a frail, teeny, tiny
skeleton Templar Knight hand as it throws the lid off of a tomb [see picture below]. It's
probably nitpicking, but frankly, such a little hand couldn't lift a slab of cheese, let alone a
slab of concrete. Seriously. The question is: how am I as a viewer supposed to treat the
Blind Dead as a serious threat when I know that they have wimpy little bone-hands? I don't
know the answer to that, but I DO know that Bone Hands would be a pretty good name for a
bar band.
Additionally, it must be noted that every time the Templar Knights show up to do some
zombie damage, several of them are on horseback. That in and of itself is pretty cool, BUT,
to put it simply: where the fuck are these horses coming from? No note is made in the film
about horses being killed alongside the Knights; furthermore, simply looking at them
reveals that they're live, flesh and blood steeds, not zombie horses. So again, where do
these horses come from? I mean, I live in a dense, highly populated area and I have
Internet access, but I'm not sure how I would locate a horse if I had too; if I can't find a
horse, how are a bunch of zombies that live in coffins in a sparsely populated
countryside--zombies without eyes, mind you--able to secure equine transportation? Look,
I know even less about horses than I do about women, but I'm pretty sure that they don't just
hang around old buildings without any food or fences, on the off chance that a horde of the
bloodthirsty undead will throw saddles on them and ride them around. But, I could be
wrong.
Score: 2
handled quite well. The first involves a girl giving valuable information concerning the local
superstitions/legends of the Templar Knights; the second occurs when a professor fills in
other gaps later on to give the full story of the Knights' disturbing, blood-loving history. Not
only are these scenes unobtrusive and integrated very well into the film, but they also take
place in a mannequin factory and a library, respectively; needless to say, such settings
make for some sweet viewing.
Score: 4
Plausibility: Let me state upfront that there are very few things that I know about women;
hell, you could fill the Atlantic Ocean 7 or 8 times over with the amount of stuff that I don't
know about the ladies. (And if that doesn't impress you, then I suggest that you consult an
atlas--the Atlantic Ocean is, like really big. It's easily bigger than Lake Ontario. I think.) That
being said, even I know that when women are upset, they don't spontaneously jump off of
trains, drag their hefty luggage through field after field, and then camp out in the damp,
musty, creepy, eerily-lit, crumbling, and strangely-deserted ruins of a monastery. They just
don't. In other words, the sequence that sets the entire film into motion is rather
implausible.
As if that point weren't bad enough, the film also features a close-up of a frail, teeny, tiny
skeleton Templar Knight hand as it throws the lid off of a tomb [see picture below]. It's
probably nitpicking, but frankly, such a little hand couldn't lift a slab of cheese, let alone a
slab of concrete. Seriously. The question is: how am I as a viewer supposed to treat the
Blind Dead as a serious threat when I know that they have wimpy little bone-hands? I don't
know the answer to that, but I DO know that Bone Hands would be a pretty good name for a
bar band.
Additionally, it must be noted that every time the Templar Knights show up to do some
zombie damage, several of them are on horseback. That in and of itself is pretty cool, BUT,
to put it simply: where the fuck are these horses coming from? No note is made in the film
about horses being killed alongside the Knights; furthermore, simply looking at them
reveals that they're live, flesh and blood steeds, not zombie horses. So again, where do
these horses come from? I mean, I live in a dense, highly populated area and I have
Internet access, but I'm not sure how I would locate a horse if I had too; if I can't find a
horse, how are a bunch of zombies that live in coffins in a sparsely populated
countryside--zombies without eyes, mind you--able to secure equine transportation? Look,
I know even less about horses than I do about women, but I'm pretty sure that they don't just
hang around old buildings without any food or fences, on the off chance that a horde of the
bloodthirsty undead will throw saddles on them and ride them around. But, I could be
wrong.
Score: 2
| Lamest zombie hand EVER. |
Production Value: The production value of Tombs of the Blind Dead is okay (that's a film
criticism term--sorry to get all technical and stuff). The locations themselves are gorgeous,
and the crumbling monastery around which much of the film's action takes place is
appropriately creepy. That being said, during the film's opening sequence we see the
Templar Knights before they become zombified, and they don't look so much like actual
knights as they look like the Monty Python boys spoofing knights in their classic Holy Grail
film. The resemblance to me was striking enough that I started laughing during this scene,
which is probably not the mood that de Ossorio was going for, seeing as how it culminated
in several men drinking blood from gaping wounds on a living woman. Ultimately, it's like
Billy Wilder used to say: if the main antagonist in your zombie movie reminds people of a
whacky comedy troupe, something has gone seriously wrong.
Score: 3
criticism term--sorry to get all technical and stuff). The locations themselves are gorgeous,
and the crumbling monastery around which much of the film's action takes place is
appropriately creepy. That being said, during the film's opening sequence we see the
Templar Knights before they become zombified, and they don't look so much like actual
knights as they look like the Monty Python boys spoofing knights in their classic Holy Grail
film. The resemblance to me was striking enough that I started laughing during this scene,
which is probably not the mood that de Ossorio was going for, seeing as how it culminated
in several men drinking blood from gaping wounds on a living woman. Ultimately, it's like
Billy Wilder used to say: if the main antagonist in your zombie movie reminds people of a
whacky comedy troupe, something has gone seriously wrong.
Score: 3
| We're knights of the round table! |
Special Effects: This is a hard category to score, as there aren't an abundance of special
effects on display in this movie. I don't want to flog a dead horse (especially because of the
fact that we've already established that the horses in Tombs of the Blind Dead aren't
actually dead), but that frail little skeleton hand lifting the lid of the tomb is pretty crappy
looking. What's even worse is that this hand is highlighted in extreme close-up at the
beginning and at the end of the film; if such highlighting is going to occur, shouldn't a little
more craft be put into the creation of such a hand? The answer, as it usually is when I ask
a question, is a resounding "Whatever."
The flipside of this hand thing is the effect used to show a zombie burning to death, which
is essentially created by laying images of flames over an actor playing a zombie. The effect
itself isn't great (especially not by today's standards), but it gets the job done, and I think
compared to other films of Tombs of the Blind Dead's era, it stacks up okay. That's not a
ringing endorsement of the effects in this film, but the fact of the matter is that this film is in
many ways more about atmosphere than it is about effects or gore (more on this later).
Those considerations aside, I feel that I must take this opportunity to mention that special
credit must be given to María Elena Arpón, who plays the role of Virginia, a.k.a. Zombie
Victim #1. This role requires her to jump off of a moving train, to fall through a rotten step in
a staircase, to climb down a steep, jagged monastery wall, and then to fall off of a horse.
I'm singling her out because as far as I could tell, it was María Elena Arpón herself
performing these actions, and not a stuntwoman. I don't think even the Muscles from
Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme, put his body on the line in his many, many
"films" the way that María Elena Arpón does in Tombs of the Blind Dead. That's got to count
for something, at least an extra point in this category, right? Again: whatever.
Score: 3
Makeup: Tombs of the Blind Dead features some pretty good makeup work. Specifically,
the zombies in the film seriously look dead while also looking very serious, which, if you
ask me, are the two looks that you really want in a Satanic, undead knight. They look like
corpses that have been rotting in tombs with their tiny, tiny hands for centuries; this instead
of sporting the normal "blue/green undead skin tone" that many zombie movies
employ--credit for this of course must go to the makeup department, headed up by José
Luis Campos (who only had makeup credits on three other films besides this one, which is
strange). Additionally, the women in this film all wear a ton of makeup, to the point that
each and every one of them looks like a hooker. I'm not saying that that's good or bad, I'm
just saying that it highlights the makeup effort put into this movie, okay?
Score: 5
effects on display in this movie. I don't want to flog a dead horse (especially because of the
fact that we've already established that the horses in Tombs of the Blind Dead aren't
actually dead), but that frail little skeleton hand lifting the lid of the tomb is pretty crappy
looking. What's even worse is that this hand is highlighted in extreme close-up at the
beginning and at the end of the film; if such highlighting is going to occur, shouldn't a little
more craft be put into the creation of such a hand? The answer, as it usually is when I ask
a question, is a resounding "Whatever."
The flipside of this hand thing is the effect used to show a zombie burning to death, which
is essentially created by laying images of flames over an actor playing a zombie. The effect
itself isn't great (especially not by today's standards), but it gets the job done, and I think
compared to other films of Tombs of the Blind Dead's era, it stacks up okay. That's not a
ringing endorsement of the effects in this film, but the fact of the matter is that this film is in
many ways more about atmosphere than it is about effects or gore (more on this later).
Those considerations aside, I feel that I must take this opportunity to mention that special
credit must be given to María Elena Arpón, who plays the role of Virginia, a.k.a. Zombie
Victim #1. This role requires her to jump off of a moving train, to fall through a rotten step in
a staircase, to climb down a steep, jagged monastery wall, and then to fall off of a horse.
I'm singling her out because as far as I could tell, it was María Elena Arpón herself
performing these actions, and not a stuntwoman. I don't think even the Muscles from
Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme, put his body on the line in his many, many
"films" the way that María Elena Arpón does in Tombs of the Blind Dead. That's got to count
for something, at least an extra point in this category, right? Again: whatever.
Score: 3
Makeup: Tombs of the Blind Dead features some pretty good makeup work. Specifically,
the zombies in the film seriously look dead while also looking very serious, which, if you
ask me, are the two looks that you really want in a Satanic, undead knight. They look like
corpses that have been rotting in tombs with their tiny, tiny hands for centuries; this instead
of sporting the normal "blue/green undead skin tone" that many zombie movies
employ--credit for this of course must go to the makeup department, headed up by José
Luis Campos (who only had makeup credits on three other films besides this one, which is
strange). Additionally, the women in this film all wear a ton of makeup, to the point that
each and every one of them looks like a hooker. I'm not saying that that's good or bad, I'm
just saying that it highlights the makeup effort put into this movie, okay?
Score: 5
| Nice makeup. The robe isn't too shabby, either. |
Scariness: This is a tough category to score. I can appreciate what de Ossorio was trying
to do in this film, which was (I think) creating an overall sense of dread, garnished with a
sprig of menace--this instead of going for outright shocks. Alas, the fact of the matter is that
while the film is well crafted and perhaps succeeds on the aforementioned points, I just
don't think that Tombs of the Blind Dead is scary to a modern audience. I don't want to
sound like I'm denigrating the film, it's just that in the aftermath of The Blair Witch Project,
Ôdishon, and the films of Shawn and Marlon Wayans, we now have a different definition of
what constitutes "scariness" in a horror movie.
Still, Tombs of the Blind Dead does feature a shifty morgue attendant who kind of freaked
me out, probably due to his sinister looking beard. Have you ever noticed that sometimes,
what would be an otherwise normal looking man looks really creepy when he grows a
beard? I call this the Al Gore Effect, and it's definitely on display in this film's morgue
scenes. It's not enough to compensate for the rest of the film's lack of scares, but much
like making out with your cousin, it's better than nothing.
Score: 2
to do in this film, which was (I think) creating an overall sense of dread, garnished with a
sprig of menace--this instead of going for outright shocks. Alas, the fact of the matter is that
while the film is well crafted and perhaps succeeds on the aforementioned points, I just
don't think that Tombs of the Blind Dead is scary to a modern audience. I don't want to
sound like I'm denigrating the film, it's just that in the aftermath of The Blair Witch Project,
Ôdishon, and the films of Shawn and Marlon Wayans, we now have a different definition of
what constitutes "scariness" in a horror movie.
Still, Tombs of the Blind Dead does feature a shifty morgue attendant who kind of freaked
me out, probably due to his sinister looking beard. Have you ever noticed that sometimes,
what would be an otherwise normal looking man looks really creepy when he grows a
beard? I call this the Al Gore Effect, and it's definitely on display in this film's morgue
scenes. It's not enough to compensate for the rest of the film's lack of scares, but much
like making out with your cousin, it's better than nothing.
Score: 2
| When good people grow bad facial hair. |
Goriness: The gore factor in Tombs of the Blind Dead is rather low. The film's opening
highlights this, as the bloodthirsty - but - still - human - but - soon - to - become - zombified -
yet - still - bloodthirsty knights prepare a victim for ritual plasma draining (as opposed to
non-ritual plasma draining, which usually involves a free cookie and a sticker in lieu of
knights). Said victim is slashed several times with swords; and yet, we see very little blood
during this scene. In fact, the only way we know that blood is being let and that blood
drinking is occurring at all is that as soon as the slashing is done, the knights gather
around the victim and start suckling on her. The whole scene is, much like Anna Nicole
Smith, gross yet compelling. The point is, as I said, the scene involves very little
bloodshed, even though it revolves around blood, and this sets the tone for the rest of the
film. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means that Tombs of the Blind Dead places a
higher premium on leaving things to the viewer's imagination, vague lesbianism, and cat
fights than it does on gore; I, for one, have absolutely NO problem with that.
Score: 1
Final Scene: I must admit that it's been a long time since I've enjoyed the final scene of a
zombie movie quite as much as I enjoyed that of Tombs of the Blind Dead. That might have
been the most awkward sentence that I've ever composed, but what are you going to do?
Anyways, in the film, as the Blind Dead are in the process of trying to drink the delicious,
delicious blood of the film's main characters, they board a commuter train; after dispatching
those inside the train, the train continues on its way and pulls into a station in an urban
area; the film ends here, with the suggestion that the Blind Dead are now about to wreak
blood-slurping havoc on the civilized world. The only "downside" that I could see in all of
this is that what is suggested by the film's final scene is more gruesome and terrifying than
anything actually seen in the film itself. Then again, as mentioned in the preceding
category, Tombs of the Blind Dead often leaves things to the viewer's imagination, so
perhaps that isn't much of a negative. I mean, it is Tombs of the Blind Dead, after all, so I
guess it makes sense that some of the action would be heard and not seen. Regardless,
you must admit that zombies riding trains during rush hour is pretty cool.
Score: 5
Comedy: There's not much comedy to be had in Tombs of the Blind Dead, and what's there
is purely unintentional--never a good sign. First and foremost, it must be noted that
Virginia's voiceover makes it sound like she's laughing when the zombies are after her, and
as this voiceover laughing goes on for some time, it is, much like the loins of Angelina
Jolie, infectious. I daresay that during the film's big unveiling of the titular Blind Dead, de
Ossorio wasn't trying to get laughs. But what do I know? Perhaps this whole flick is a
laugh riot in another language, and I'm just at a loss because I saw a dubbed version.
Beyond that, the hair of virtually every male character is, to me at least, totally ridiculous and
laughable in lushness. Honestly, you could have cast several dozen Just For Men ads with
the male actors from this movie. Is it acceptable, does it even make sense, to laugh at
guys for having opulently robust heads of hair? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyway.
Score: 3
Originality: Overall, Tombs of the Blind Dead is a highly original entry in the zombie film
canon. The central conceit of renegade Knights being doomed to an eternity of undead
coffin dwelling for practicing black magic hasn't been done in a movie outside of this film
and its sequels (I think--it might have happened in Freewilly...I fell asleep during that one
and don't know how it ended; as far as I know that dipshit kid is still standing under the
whale as it jumps over the pier). What I'm saying is that the setup is unique, and it gives the
film's zombies a different motivation for chomping people than you normally encounter in a
zombie movie. This is, much like Fresca, very refreshing.
Score: 5
Rewatchability: I'm on the fence on this one. Overall I liked the movie and feel like I would
have no problem watching it again. On the other hand, it does feature some ridiculously
slow-moving sequences, sequences on a par with the more snooze-inducing parts of
2001. But I guess that's a good thing, because the only thing more fun than watching a
zombie movie is taking a nap, right? Right.
Score: 4
Datedness: Not only is the hair in Tombs of the Blind Dead laughable in its fierce, full-on
follicleness, it also serves to date the film to a certain degree. I mean, look at the picture of
Roger below...does that look like it could have been taken at any time other than 1971?
Anyone who looks at that picture and says differently is a damned liar who probably has
bad credit. For real.
Score: 2
highlights this, as the bloodthirsty - but - still - human - but - soon - to - become - zombified -
yet - still - bloodthirsty knights prepare a victim for ritual plasma draining (as opposed to
non-ritual plasma draining, which usually involves a free cookie and a sticker in lieu of
knights). Said victim is slashed several times with swords; and yet, we see very little blood
during this scene. In fact, the only way we know that blood is being let and that blood
drinking is occurring at all is that as soon as the slashing is done, the knights gather
around the victim and start suckling on her. The whole scene is, much like Anna Nicole
Smith, gross yet compelling. The point is, as I said, the scene involves very little
bloodshed, even though it revolves around blood, and this sets the tone for the rest of the
film. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means that Tombs of the Blind Dead places a
higher premium on leaving things to the viewer's imagination, vague lesbianism, and cat
fights than it does on gore; I, for one, have absolutely NO problem with that.
Score: 1
Final Scene: I must admit that it's been a long time since I've enjoyed the final scene of a
zombie movie quite as much as I enjoyed that of Tombs of the Blind Dead. That might have
been the most awkward sentence that I've ever composed, but what are you going to do?
Anyways, in the film, as the Blind Dead are in the process of trying to drink the delicious,
delicious blood of the film's main characters, they board a commuter train; after dispatching
those inside the train, the train continues on its way and pulls into a station in an urban
area; the film ends here, with the suggestion that the Blind Dead are now about to wreak
blood-slurping havoc on the civilized world. The only "downside" that I could see in all of
this is that what is suggested by the film's final scene is more gruesome and terrifying than
anything actually seen in the film itself. Then again, as mentioned in the preceding
category, Tombs of the Blind Dead often leaves things to the viewer's imagination, so
perhaps that isn't much of a negative. I mean, it is Tombs of the Blind Dead, after all, so I
guess it makes sense that some of the action would be heard and not seen. Regardless,
you must admit that zombies riding trains during rush hour is pretty cool.
Score: 5
Comedy: There's not much comedy to be had in Tombs of the Blind Dead, and what's there
is purely unintentional--never a good sign. First and foremost, it must be noted that
Virginia's voiceover makes it sound like she's laughing when the zombies are after her, and
as this voiceover laughing goes on for some time, it is, much like the loins of Angelina
Jolie, infectious. I daresay that during the film's big unveiling of the titular Blind Dead, de
Ossorio wasn't trying to get laughs. But what do I know? Perhaps this whole flick is a
laugh riot in another language, and I'm just at a loss because I saw a dubbed version.
Beyond that, the hair of virtually every male character is, to me at least, totally ridiculous and
laughable in lushness. Honestly, you could have cast several dozen Just For Men ads with
the male actors from this movie. Is it acceptable, does it even make sense, to laugh at
guys for having opulently robust heads of hair? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyway.
Score: 3
Originality: Overall, Tombs of the Blind Dead is a highly original entry in the zombie film
canon. The central conceit of renegade Knights being doomed to an eternity of undead
coffin dwelling for practicing black magic hasn't been done in a movie outside of this film
and its sequels (I think--it might have happened in Freewilly...I fell asleep during that one
and don't know how it ended; as far as I know that dipshit kid is still standing under the
whale as it jumps over the pier). What I'm saying is that the setup is unique, and it gives the
film's zombies a different motivation for chomping people than you normally encounter in a
zombie movie. This is, much like Fresca, very refreshing.
Score: 5
Rewatchability: I'm on the fence on this one. Overall I liked the movie and feel like I would
have no problem watching it again. On the other hand, it does feature some ridiculously
slow-moving sequences, sequences on a par with the more snooze-inducing parts of
2001. But I guess that's a good thing, because the only thing more fun than watching a
zombie movie is taking a nap, right? Right.
Score: 4
Datedness: Not only is the hair in Tombs of the Blind Dead laughable in its fierce, full-on
follicleness, it also serves to date the film to a certain degree. I mean, look at the picture of
Roger below...does that look like it could have been taken at any time other than 1971?
Anyone who looks at that picture and says differently is a damned liar who probably has
bad credit. For real.
Score: 2
| 1971: A good year for hair. |
Soundtrack: Generally, the soundtrack to Tombs of the Blind Dead is generic and
imminently forgettable. That being said, there is at least one scene in the film where the
soundtrack makes its presence known, albeit not in a good way. During the morgue
examination of the soon-to-be-undead Virginia (a scene that features the aforementioned
creepy bearded guy), in what is ostensibly a somber sequence, loud, busy jazz music
suddenly and inexplicably kicks in for a few seconds, and then immediately disappears in
just as baffling a fashion. It's like a jazz tornado, which, now that I think about it, should
have been one of John Coltrane's nicknames. As usual, I have no point.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: For a film that features an enjoyable undercurrent of illicit lesbianism,
there ain't any boobies to be had. What's worse is that at one point, it appears that we, the
audience, might get some nudity; sadly, we're treated to a hairy armpit instead. It's a
disturbing sequence, as if I even needed to point that out. No, the only thing approximating
nudity in the film is when Virginia is traipsing about the mannequin shop in her underwear;
alas, she's a zombie at that point so it really doesn't count, because try as I might, I'm just
not into undead porn. Call me a prude if you must.
Score: 1
imminently forgettable. That being said, there is at least one scene in the film where the
soundtrack makes its presence known, albeit not in a good way. During the morgue
examination of the soon-to-be-undead Virginia (a scene that features the aforementioned
creepy bearded guy), in what is ostensibly a somber sequence, loud, busy jazz music
suddenly and inexplicably kicks in for a few seconds, and then immediately disappears in
just as baffling a fashion. It's like a jazz tornado, which, now that I think about it, should
have been one of John Coltrane's nicknames. As usual, I have no point.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: For a film that features an enjoyable undercurrent of illicit lesbianism,
there ain't any boobies to be had. What's worse is that at one point, it appears that we, the
audience, might get some nudity; sadly, we're treated to a hairy armpit instead. It's a
disturbing sequence, as if I even needed to point that out. No, the only thing approximating
nudity in the film is when Virginia is traipsing about the mannequin shop in her underwear;
alas, she's a zombie at that point so it really doesn't count, because try as I might, I'm just
not into undead porn. Call me a prude if you must.
Score: 1
| Non-erotic erotic zombie/mannequin action: always unsettling. |
Lead Actor: It's difficult to say who the film's "lead" really is--Roger, played by César Burner,
or Betty, played by Lone Fleming. Is it just me, or do the names "César Burner" and "Lone
Fleming" sound like pornstar names? Honestly, I have a much easier time imagining
someone named César Burner starring a movie called Barnyard Sluts 19 than I do
imagining him in a zombie movie. But maybe that's just me.
Score: 3
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Tombs of the Blind Dead pulls off that rarest of rare feats,
something that occurs even less frequently than Kathy Griffin saying something funny: it
successfully utilizes a love pentagon (as opposed to a love triangle, naturally), featuring
Virginia who is into Roger who is into Betty who doesn't like dudes but still bangs Pedro,
who is also into Maria, who hates Betty, who might possibly be into Virginia. To sum up: a
love pentagon is rather like listening to a gibbon playing a clarinet: pretty impressive, even if
it's ridiculously hard to figure out.
Score: 4
or Betty, played by Lone Fleming. Is it just me, or do the names "César Burner" and "Lone
Fleming" sound like pornstar names? Honestly, I have a much easier time imagining
someone named César Burner starring a movie called Barnyard Sluts 19 than I do
imagining him in a zombie movie. But maybe that's just me.
Score: 3
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Tombs of the Blind Dead pulls off that rarest of rare feats,
something that occurs even less frequently than Kathy Griffin saying something funny: it
successfully utilizes a love pentagon (as opposed to a love triangle, naturally), featuring
Virginia who is into Roger who is into Betty who doesn't like dudes but still bangs Pedro,
who is also into Maria, who hates Betty, who might possibly be into Virginia. To sum up: a
love pentagon is rather like listening to a gibbon playing a clarinet: pretty impressive, even if
it's ridiculously hard to figure out.
Score: 4
| Hey, remember when we were lesbians together? Good times. |
Overall Cast: The overall cast of Tombs of the Blind Dead does an adequate job. And,
aside from the humans, the film features some quality horse acting as well, specifically in a
scene in which several horses bolt in an impressive simultaneous fashion. I haven't seen
that much coordinated running since all of those people stampeded out of that screening of
Jersey Girl that I attended.
Additionally, the cast features a police inspector who is beyond dashing. Seriously--he's as
suave as 10 Ricardo Montalban's and as handsome as 17 Antonio Banderas's. I'm not gay.
Score: 3
Token Scientist: To be honest with you, I'm not sure if Tombs of the Blind Dead features a
token scientist or not. But, I do know that it definitely has railroad engineers, and a crusty
old professor, and a doctor. I'd consider that a "push", wouldn't you?
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: The token fat guy designation goes to the Blind Dead themselves, before
they actually become blind and/or dead. To put it bluntly, they are (before becoming
zombified) a bunch of fat bastards. It's just like my grandma used to say: blood
drinking...not only is it bad for society, it's bad for your health as well.
Score: 4
Best Line: There's no contest as to which line in Tombs of the Blind Dead deserves to be
called "the best." It comes when the characters of Virginia and Betty run into each after a
long time apart; Virginia asks what Betty does for a living, and Betty replies: "It's quite
interesting -- I make mannequins." I mean, wow. Not since Bill Clinton's "I did not have
sexual relations with that woman" has such a blatantly false statement been uttered.
Awesome--totally awesome.
Score: 5
Intangibles: Tombs of the Blind Dead has a lot of extra-zombie-movie factors working in its
favor. Firstly, while watching it, one gets to see the inner workings of a mannequin factory.
Have you ever seen that before? Neither have I! So, it's educational. Secondly, as evident
in the picture below, Tombs of the Blind Dead features what is possibly the earliest
instance of the now-classic 'talk to the hand' move to ever be captured on film. So, it's
innovative. Lastly, Tombs of the Blind Dead features an absolutely fantastic cat fight. So,
it's "breastriffic." Educational, innovative, and breastriffic--I defy you to show me any other
zombie film that can boast of achievement in those three categories.
Score: 3
aside from the humans, the film features some quality horse acting as well, specifically in a
scene in which several horses bolt in an impressive simultaneous fashion. I haven't seen
that much coordinated running since all of those people stampeded out of that screening of
Jersey Girl that I attended.
Additionally, the cast features a police inspector who is beyond dashing. Seriously--he's as
suave as 10 Ricardo Montalban's and as handsome as 17 Antonio Banderas's. I'm not gay.
Score: 3
Token Scientist: To be honest with you, I'm not sure if Tombs of the Blind Dead features a
token scientist or not. But, I do know that it definitely has railroad engineers, and a crusty
old professor, and a doctor. I'd consider that a "push", wouldn't you?
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: The token fat guy designation goes to the Blind Dead themselves, before
they actually become blind and/or dead. To put it bluntly, they are (before becoming
zombified) a bunch of fat bastards. It's just like my grandma used to say: blood
drinking...not only is it bad for society, it's bad for your health as well.
Score: 4
Best Line: There's no contest as to which line in Tombs of the Blind Dead deserves to be
called "the best." It comes when the characters of Virginia and Betty run into each after a
long time apart; Virginia asks what Betty does for a living, and Betty replies: "It's quite
interesting -- I make mannequins." I mean, wow. Not since Bill Clinton's "I did not have
sexual relations with that woman" has such a blatantly false statement been uttered.
Awesome--totally awesome.
Score: 5
Intangibles: Tombs of the Blind Dead has a lot of extra-zombie-movie factors working in its
favor. Firstly, while watching it, one gets to see the inner workings of a mannequin factory.
Have you ever seen that before? Neither have I! So, it's educational. Secondly, as evident
in the picture below, Tombs of the Blind Dead features what is possibly the earliest
instance of the now-classic 'talk to the hand' move to ever be captured on film. So, it's
innovative. Lastly, Tombs of the Blind Dead features an absolutely fantastic cat fight. So,
it's "breastriffic." Educational, innovative, and breastriffic--I defy you to show me any other
zombie film that can boast of achievement in those three categories.
Score: 3
| The earliest known instance of talk to the hand. |
Zombie Believability: The Blind Dead in Tombs of the Blind Dead are certainly believable in
their dead blindness, at least in my book. I mean, if someone killed me for my blood-
drinking activities, you can bet your ass that I'd return from the grave and take my revenge
on the living. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to say that a movie in which Templar Knights
don't return from the grave to avenge their own deaths is far less believable than one in
which they do. You know what I mean?
Score: 4
Zombie Attack Scenes: There are a number of zombie attack scenes in Tombs of the
Blind Dead. The first of such scenes, when Virginia is attacked in a ruined monastery, is
notable not just for introducing the Blind Dead themselves, but also for underscoring the
Blind Dead's admirable commitment to excellence; after Virginia escapes from their
clutches on foot, the Blind Dead pursue her on horseback. Grimly determined to finish a
blood-drinking project once it's started, they're an inspiration to hard-working zombies
everywhere. The attack scenes continue when Virginia herself becomes zombified, first
attacking the previously mentioned bearded-weirdo (also known as a "beardo") in the
morgue, and then battling with Betty's assistant in the mannequin shop, in the process
highlighting the truth of that old saying: never work for someone who might know someone
who might become zombified, because you might be attacked inadvertently. Too true.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: The final zombie attack scene in Tombs of the Blind Dead is the
aforementioned train hijack at film's end; conceptually it's excellent, as long as you can deal
with the fact that the audience doesn't actually get to see any of the zombie "orgy" action
itself. Rather, we see the outside of the train and hear screams from inside, as the train
itself cruises to its destination. My opinion of the scene aside, I must say that I honestly
can't tell if this was a move done by design, or a decision made for other, non-artistic
reasons. Perhaps a multiple choice quiz will help us get to the bottom of this.
Was the blood-sucking action of the film's finale not shown because:
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, award yourself 17 experience points and
move on to the next category.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There isn't much anti-zombie weaponry on display in Tombs of the
Blind Dead. At one point some guns are used, but bullets apparently have no adverse
effect on the Blind Dead--they appear to be virtually indestructible and invincible. As a
matter of fact, the only time in the film that a zombie is actually defeated is when the recently
deceased Virginia is re-deceased due to a flaming mannequin (don't ask). So I guess
what this film is saying is that for all of its harmful consequences, blood drinking does at
least render one semi-invincible. Blood drinking: it does a body good, and it tastes better
than Mountain Dew.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: For all of its merits, there is one startling gap in Tombs of the
Blind Dead: an explanation is never proffered for how/why the Templar Knights return from
beyond the grave. I'd like to assume that it had something to do with the after-effects of the
black magic that the knights were practicing, but that's probably not a good idea, because
as we all know, when one assumes one makes an ass out of you, me, and blind zombies,
and that's never a good idea.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": There is a high degree of unique-itude on display in Tombs of the
Bind Dead (so unique that I, as you just saw, had to make up a word to adequately describe
it). To recap, the zombies in this film wear robes, they ride horses, they suck blood, they
have goatees, and they can't see a damn thing. Have you ever seen a zombie movie that
featured the undead doing all of the above things? Say "no", or admit that you're a dirty liar.
Score: 5
their dead blindness, at least in my book. I mean, if someone killed me for my blood-
drinking activities, you can bet your ass that I'd return from the grave and take my revenge
on the living. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to say that a movie in which Templar Knights
don't return from the grave to avenge their own deaths is far less believable than one in
which they do. You know what I mean?
Score: 4
Zombie Attack Scenes: There are a number of zombie attack scenes in Tombs of the
Blind Dead. The first of such scenes, when Virginia is attacked in a ruined monastery, is
notable not just for introducing the Blind Dead themselves, but also for underscoring the
Blind Dead's admirable commitment to excellence; after Virginia escapes from their
clutches on foot, the Blind Dead pursue her on horseback. Grimly determined to finish a
blood-drinking project once it's started, they're an inspiration to hard-working zombies
everywhere. The attack scenes continue when Virginia herself becomes zombified, first
attacking the previously mentioned bearded-weirdo (also known as a "beardo") in the
morgue, and then battling with Betty's assistant in the mannequin shop, in the process
highlighting the truth of that old saying: never work for someone who might know someone
who might become zombified, because you might be attacked inadvertently. Too true.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: The final zombie attack scene in Tombs of the Blind Dead is the
aforementioned train hijack at film's end; conceptually it's excellent, as long as you can deal
with the fact that the audience doesn't actually get to see any of the zombie "orgy" action
itself. Rather, we see the outside of the train and hear screams from inside, as the train
itself cruises to its destination. My opinion of the scene aside, I must say that I honestly
can't tell if this was a move done by design, or a decision made for other, non-artistic
reasons. Perhaps a multiple choice quiz will help us get to the bottom of this.
Was the blood-sucking action of the film's finale not shown because:
- …de Ossorio was recapitulating the blindness of the Blind Dead by not showing us
the action? - …de Ossorio ran out of time to film the action because he lingered on the filming of
the cat fight scene for far too long? - …de Ossorio did film the action, but then he accidentally recorded over the footage
with several episodes of Benson? - …all of the above.
- …who gives a shit?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, award yourself 17 experience points and
move on to the next category.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There isn't much anti-zombie weaponry on display in Tombs of the
Blind Dead. At one point some guns are used, but bullets apparently have no adverse
effect on the Blind Dead--they appear to be virtually indestructible and invincible. As a
matter of fact, the only time in the film that a zombie is actually defeated is when the recently
deceased Virginia is re-deceased due to a flaming mannequin (don't ask). So I guess
what this film is saying is that for all of its harmful consequences, blood drinking does at
least render one semi-invincible. Blood drinking: it does a body good, and it tastes better
than Mountain Dew.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: For all of its merits, there is one startling gap in Tombs of the
Blind Dead: an explanation is never proffered for how/why the Templar Knights return from
beyond the grave. I'd like to assume that it had something to do with the after-effects of the
black magic that the knights were practicing, but that's probably not a good idea, because
as we all know, when one assumes one makes an ass out of you, me, and blind zombies,
and that's never a good idea.
Score: 1
Zombie "Uniqueness": There is a high degree of unique-itude on display in Tombs of the
Bind Dead (so unique that I, as you just saw, had to make up a word to adequately describe
it). To recap, the zombies in this film wear robes, they ride horses, they suck blood, they
have goatees, and they can't see a damn thing. Have you ever seen a zombie movie that
featured the undead doing all of the above things? Say "no", or admit that you're a dirty liar.
Score: 5
| Zombie goatees: as unique as it gets. |
Zombie Consistency: The consistency of the zombies in Tombs of the Blind Dead is all
over the map. On the one hand, the zombies themselves are internally consistent, i.e. they
all look and act the same, and are indistinguishable from one another. On the other hand,
by the end of the film we learn that since their eyes were put out before they were killed, the
Blind Dead can't see the humans that they're trying to attack, and must therefore rely on
sound to track their victims; that's the idea in theory, although in practice it doesn't always
play out that way in the film; to be sure, sometimes the Blind Dead seem to act truly blind,
while other times they seem to be mostly blind, which is another situation to be in entirely
(especially when it comes to elderly people driving cars)(I have no idea what that means).
So to sum up, the zombies are a little bit consistent, a little bit inconsistent, and a whole lot
rock and roll.
Score: 3
Signature Zombie: Tombs of the Blind Dead doesn't feature a signature zombie due to the
fact that, as indicated in the previous category, all of the undead in the film are identical. It
does, however, feature mannequins, which kind of makes up for that fact, wouldn't you
agree?
Score: 2
Total Points: 96
Verdict: Tombs of the Blind Dead--not quite zombietastic, not the greatest zombie movie
ever made, but enjoyable and easily better than 90% of the zombie film library. AND, it's
chock-full-of badass looking zombies, lesbians, and catfights. What more do you want?
Next Time: Zombi 2
over the map. On the one hand, the zombies themselves are internally consistent, i.e. they
all look and act the same, and are indistinguishable from one another. On the other hand,
by the end of the film we learn that since their eyes were put out before they were killed, the
Blind Dead can't see the humans that they're trying to attack, and must therefore rely on
sound to track their victims; that's the idea in theory, although in practice it doesn't always
play out that way in the film; to be sure, sometimes the Blind Dead seem to act truly blind,
while other times they seem to be mostly blind, which is another situation to be in entirely
(especially when it comes to elderly people driving cars)(I have no idea what that means).
So to sum up, the zombies are a little bit consistent, a little bit inconsistent, and a whole lot
rock and roll.
Score: 3
Signature Zombie: Tombs of the Blind Dead doesn't feature a signature zombie due to the
fact that, as indicated in the previous category, all of the undead in the film are identical. It
does, however, feature mannequins, which kind of makes up for that fact, wouldn't you
agree?
Score: 2
Total Points: 96
Verdict: Tombs of the Blind Dead--not quite zombietastic, not the greatest zombie movie
ever made, but enjoyable and easily better than 90% of the zombie film library. AND, it's
chock-full-of badass looking zombies, lesbians, and catfights. What more do you want?
Next Time: Zombi 2
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