The ZombieTastic Review of:
The Return of the Living Dead
The Return of the Living Dead
Director: Dan O'Bannon
Year of Release: 1985
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Documentary
Also Known as: It has no alternate title, but it was banned in
Finland. How many movies can you say that about?
Part of a series?: Yes, The Return of the Living Dead "quintilogy",
which, if considered as a whole, is about as coherent as a Pynchon novel.
The Scoring
Plot: On July 3, 1984, a massive zombie outbreak occurred in Kentucky. The outbreak
originated at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company after some zombified corpses--corpses
whose antics had previously inspired the movie Night of the Living Dead--were accidentally
unleashed upon the world. How do I know that all of this happened? Because The Return
of the Living Dead dares to show that it happened; as it says during the film's opening:
"The events portrayed in this film are all true. The names are real names of real people
and real organizations." That's good enough for me.
Score: 5
Year of Release: 1985
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Documentary
Also Known as: It has no alternate title, but it was banned in
Finland. How many movies can you say that about?
Part of a series?: Yes, The Return of the Living Dead "quintilogy",
which, if considered as a whole, is about as coherent as a Pynchon novel.
The Scoring
Plot: On July 3, 1984, a massive zombie outbreak occurred in Kentucky. The outbreak
originated at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company after some zombified corpses--corpses
whose antics had previously inspired the movie Night of the Living Dead--were accidentally
unleashed upon the world. How do I know that all of this happened? Because The Return
of the Living Dead dares to show that it happened; as it says during the film's opening:
"The events portrayed in this film are all true. The names are real names of real people
and real organizations." That's good enough for me.
Score: 5
| Here's some advice: don't call this number unless you want to get nuked. |
Exposition: During the film's opening, the character of Freddy, being shown the ropes at his
new job at Uneeda Medical Supply, asks his boss Frank to tell him about the weirdest thing
that he ever saw while on the job. At that point, Frank intimates that Night of the Living
Dead was real, and that zombie-infected corpses are being housed on the premises. In
other words, the exposition in The Return of the Living Dead is handled expertly--it's
minimal, and arises naturally out of a conversation between characters. There's a lesson
here, somewhere. Are you listening, Bruno Mattei?
Score: 5
Plausibility: If you're willing to accept the film's main conceit as outlined above, then there
really isn't much in The Return of the Living Dead that seems implausible. Well, aside
from the fact that according to the character of Frank, all skeletons in the world come from
India. And also according to Frank, the best way to cover up a foul odor is to spray
deodorant into the air. And also, that a guy named Suicide has no idea where to find a
place to party. And also, that non-Goth teenagers like to hang out in cemeteries when
they're killing time. And also, that the United States Army apparently only has one guy
assigned to its living dead division. You know, now that I think about it, there's a lot that's
implausible in this movie.
Score: 2
new job at Uneeda Medical Supply, asks his boss Frank to tell him about the weirdest thing
that he ever saw while on the job. At that point, Frank intimates that Night of the Living
Dead was real, and that zombie-infected corpses are being housed on the premises. In
other words, the exposition in The Return of the Living Dead is handled expertly--it's
minimal, and arises naturally out of a conversation between characters. There's a lesson
here, somewhere. Are you listening, Bruno Mattei?
Score: 5
Plausibility: If you're willing to accept the film's main conceit as outlined above, then there
really isn't much in The Return of the Living Dead that seems implausible. Well, aside
from the fact that according to the character of Frank, all skeletons in the world come from
India. And also according to Frank, the best way to cover up a foul odor is to spray
deodorant into the air. And also, that a guy named Suicide has no idea where to find a
place to party. And also, that non-Goth teenagers like to hang out in cemeteries when
they're killing time. And also, that the United States Army apparently only has one guy
assigned to its living dead division. You know, now that I think about it, there's a lot that's
implausible in this movie.
Score: 2
| Frank and Freddy displaying the appropriate reactions to a zombie outbreak. |
Production Value: While this movie was clearly made on a low budget, it was at least made
competently, which is to say that there is nothing overt in the film's production value that
detracts from the overall brain-munching action. Did that sentence make any sense? Let's
hope so. Anyways, one of the highlights of the production is the emphasis placed on
time--there's a tight sequence of events to adhere to, and not only is said adhering adhered
to with extreme adherence, BUT you the viewer are reminded of this by the fact that there
are a variety of clocks on hand, each displaying the proper time at the given time, which, in
this crazy world of ours, is really all that you can ask a clock to do. Such is the power of the
clock that I'm willing to overlook the facts that (a) the tombstones in the graveyard in which
much of the film's action takes place are rather fake-looking, (b) the "punks and misfits" that
make up most of the cast are pretty generic-looking (to the point that they look like they
wandered off the set of The Young Ones during an open casting call for extras), and (c)
when a new zombie outbreak is introduced at very end of the film, said outbreak is
illustrated with zombie footage that we've already seen in the movie. In most cases these
aforementioned gaffes would earn a movie a score of '1' in this category, but those clocks,
man...
Score: 3
Special Effects: As most of the emphasis in The Return of the Living Dead is placed on
the dialogue and the performances of the actors (in a zombie movie--what is this, Bizarro
World?), there aren't many special effects to speak of. There's a melting zombie face that's
kind of cool, but that's balanced out by a zombified half-dog (don't ask) that's rather lame
looking, fake blood that bears more of a resemblance to strawberry soda than it does to
plasma, and a car explosion that takes place off-camera. I'm all for zombie excellence in a
dramaturgical sense, but that being said, I think there was room in this film for a few effects
of the special variety. You know, they say that you should always leave your audience
wanting more, but shouldn't you whet their appetite enough to know what it is that they've
been left wanting in the first place?
Score: 2
competently, which is to say that there is nothing overt in the film's production value that
detracts from the overall brain-munching action. Did that sentence make any sense? Let's
hope so. Anyways, one of the highlights of the production is the emphasis placed on
time--there's a tight sequence of events to adhere to, and not only is said adhering adhered
to with extreme adherence, BUT you the viewer are reminded of this by the fact that there
are a variety of clocks on hand, each displaying the proper time at the given time, which, in
this crazy world of ours, is really all that you can ask a clock to do. Such is the power of the
clock that I'm willing to overlook the facts that (a) the tombstones in the graveyard in which
much of the film's action takes place are rather fake-looking, (b) the "punks and misfits" that
make up most of the cast are pretty generic-looking (to the point that they look like they
wandered off the set of The Young Ones during an open casting call for extras), and (c)
when a new zombie outbreak is introduced at very end of the film, said outbreak is
illustrated with zombie footage that we've already seen in the movie. In most cases these
aforementioned gaffes would earn a movie a score of '1' in this category, but those clocks,
man...
Score: 3
Special Effects: As most of the emphasis in The Return of the Living Dead is placed on
the dialogue and the performances of the actors (in a zombie movie--what is this, Bizarro
World?), there aren't many special effects to speak of. There's a melting zombie face that's
kind of cool, but that's balanced out by a zombified half-dog (don't ask) that's rather lame
looking, fake blood that bears more of a resemblance to strawberry soda than it does to
plasma, and a car explosion that takes place off-camera. I'm all for zombie excellence in a
dramaturgical sense, but that being said, I think there was room in this film for a few effects
of the special variety. You know, they say that you should always leave your audience
wanting more, but shouldn't you whet their appetite enough to know what it is that they've
been left wanting in the first place?
Score: 2
| White Stripes, or zombies? You make the call. |
Makeup: I'll say this about the makeup in this film: when Frank and Freddy are becoming
zombified, they really start to resemble Jack White. On the one hand, that probably wasn't
the intention, considering that this film was made long before The White Stripes even
existed. On the other hand, Jack White is the most zombified-looking rock star this side of
Keith Richards and/or Zombie Jim Morrison. In other words, the makeup in The Return of
the Living Dead is clearly effective, even if the producers saved money by covering half of
the zombies in mud in order to not have to make them look like full-fledged zombies.
Should the film be penalized for thriftiness? I suppose not.
Score: 4
Scariness: Here's an analogy: scares in The Return of the Living Dead are like underwear
and dignity are to Britney Spears: nonexistent. But, considering that the film is, first and
foremost, a comedy, I guess that's not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
Score: 1
zombified, they really start to resemble Jack White. On the one hand, that probably wasn't
the intention, considering that this film was made long before The White Stripes even
existed. On the other hand, Jack White is the most zombified-looking rock star this side of
Keith Richards and/or Zombie Jim Morrison. In other words, the makeup in The Return of
the Living Dead is clearly effective, even if the producers saved money by covering half of
the zombies in mud in order to not have to make them look like full-fledged zombies.
Should the film be penalized for thriftiness? I suppose not.
Score: 4
Scariness: Here's an analogy: scares in The Return of the Living Dead are like underwear
and dignity are to Britney Spears: nonexistent. But, considering that the film is, first and
foremost, a comedy, I guess that's not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
Score: 1
| The least terrifying zombie ever captured on film. |
Goriness: Due to the film's low budget, there's very little gore on-hand. Well, I should say
that I assume it's due to the film's low budget. It's written in the script that the zombies in
this film only want to eat the brains of the living, as opposed to the whole human kit n'
caboodle, and I assume that this was more of a financial decision than an artistic one.
Then again, what the hell do I know? The bottom line is that the limb-ripping,
intestine-munching, all-around blood soaked antics of a film like Hell of the Living Dead
have no place in Return. Of course, as opposed to that film, The Return of the Living Dead
is actually, you know, good, so I guess we should just be thankful for that and move on.
Score: 2
Final Scene: For a comedy zombie film (or, as I call it, a "zomedy")(and yes, I know that
that's a pretty obvious thing to call it, but I've always found that there's a certain respectability
in the path of least resistance), The Return of the Living Dead certainly offers up a rather
grim finale. After the army is notified of the zombie outbreak, they drop a giganto-bomb**
onto everyone involved, and declare "mission accomplished." Of course, all they really do
is incinerate the zombies; these zombies contain the zombifying agent 245 Trioxin, and this
chemical is then injected into the atmosphere, causing a rainstorm that creates even more
zombies. So, what the military intervention does is create a situation that is exponentially
worse than the one that is was supposed to redress. Hmmm...where have I seen this
before?
** Giganto-bomb is a registered trademark of the United States Military.
Score: 5
that I assume it's due to the film's low budget. It's written in the script that the zombies in
this film only want to eat the brains of the living, as opposed to the whole human kit n'
caboodle, and I assume that this was more of a financial decision than an artistic one.
Then again, what the hell do I know? The bottom line is that the limb-ripping,
intestine-munching, all-around blood soaked antics of a film like Hell of the Living Dead
have no place in Return. Of course, as opposed to that film, The Return of the Living Dead
is actually, you know, good, so I guess we should just be thankful for that and move on.
Score: 2
Final Scene: For a comedy zombie film (or, as I call it, a "zomedy")(and yes, I know that
that's a pretty obvious thing to call it, but I've always found that there's a certain respectability
in the path of least resistance), The Return of the Living Dead certainly offers up a rather
grim finale. After the army is notified of the zombie outbreak, they drop a giganto-bomb**
onto everyone involved, and declare "mission accomplished." Of course, all they really do
is incinerate the zombies; these zombies contain the zombifying agent 245 Trioxin, and this
chemical is then injected into the atmosphere, causing a rainstorm that creates even more
zombies. So, what the military intervention does is create a situation that is exponentially
worse than the one that is was supposed to redress. Hmmm...where have I seen this
before?
** Giganto-bomb is a registered trademark of the United States Military.
Score: 5
| That mushroom cloud is right on time. |
Comedy: I mentioned that this movie is a comedy, right? Well, just in case I didn't, let me
just state for the record: it is. A comedy, that is. As such, there are a fair amount of laughs
in the film, which makes sense, when you think about it. From the reactions of Frank and
Freddy when they first unleash the zombie menace, to Ernie the mortician brandishing a
firearm whilst performing autopsies, to puns such as naming the place where much of the
zombie-attack-action takes place the "Resurrection Funeral Home", there are
laughs-a-plenty in The Return of the Living Dead (even if my rather boring description of
these laughs doesn't indicate that). The laughs aren't merely slapstick, however: the film
features several slyly intelligent gags and puns, from having 'suicide' painted on the hood of
car that is delivering many of the film's characters to the location where they will encounter
the living dead, to having 'no future' spray-painted on the gates of the graveyard from which
the zombie hordes will ultimately emerge, to the character of Trash (ably played by Linnea
Quigley) asking her friends if they "ever fantasize about being killed" and then describing
how she pictures dying due to old men eating her, only to then have zombies slightly eat her
and then kill her. All of this just proves the old zombie-movie adage that was first theorized
by Orson Welles in 1947: unintentional laughs in a zombie movie = good, intentional
laughs in a zombie movie = even better.
Score: 5
Originality: The Return of the Living Dead, like the vast majority of zombie movies from the
past 38 years, takes Night of the Living Dead as its basic starting point. However, unlike
many of these other zombie movies, Return has the cajones to come right out and admit
that it's following in Romero's footsteps. This is, I think, to its credit, for by creatively linking
the plot of this film with that of Night, it allows the film to parody established zombie genre
conventions whilst also paying homage to them.
Additionally, it must be noted that while The Return of the Living Dead makes no bones
about where it comes from, it still brings something unique and original to the table. Aside
from the overall "comedy horror" tone of the movie (which, to my knowledge, is something
that had never been attempted in any zombie movie prior to this one), it also changes the
notion of zombies from flesh-eating drones to brain-eating drones. This might seem like a
subtle distinction, but in my estimation it's rather important--I have no scientific data to back
me up (seeing as how the National Institutes of Zombie Studies closed their doors a
number of years ago), but in my (admittedly anecdotal) experience, the zombies in this film
are the zombies that most casual and sub-casual zombie fans identify generically as
"zombies", i.e. as slobbering goons who say "brains" all the time. This flavor of zombie
depiction was even immortalized in an episode of The Simpsons (Treehouse of Horror III.)
Even though The Return of the Living Dead isn't necessarily trying to do things that are
terribly different from any other zombie movie, it still establishes the template for what most
people consider a zombie to really be. The point I'm trying to make is simply something
that my Uncle Hot Rod used to always say: you don't have to reinvent the wheel if you know
how to design a kickass-looking hubcap with like skulls and flames and shit on it. Too true.
Score: 5
just state for the record: it is. A comedy, that is. As such, there are a fair amount of laughs
in the film, which makes sense, when you think about it. From the reactions of Frank and
Freddy when they first unleash the zombie menace, to Ernie the mortician brandishing a
firearm whilst performing autopsies, to puns such as naming the place where much of the
zombie-attack-action takes place the "Resurrection Funeral Home", there are
laughs-a-plenty in The Return of the Living Dead (even if my rather boring description of
these laughs doesn't indicate that). The laughs aren't merely slapstick, however: the film
features several slyly intelligent gags and puns, from having 'suicide' painted on the hood of
car that is delivering many of the film's characters to the location where they will encounter
the living dead, to having 'no future' spray-painted on the gates of the graveyard from which
the zombie hordes will ultimately emerge, to the character of Trash (ably played by Linnea
Quigley) asking her friends if they "ever fantasize about being killed" and then describing
how she pictures dying due to old men eating her, only to then have zombies slightly eat her
and then kill her. All of this just proves the old zombie-movie adage that was first theorized
by Orson Welles in 1947: unintentional laughs in a zombie movie = good, intentional
laughs in a zombie movie = even better.
Score: 5
Originality: The Return of the Living Dead, like the vast majority of zombie movies from the
past 38 years, takes Night of the Living Dead as its basic starting point. However, unlike
many of these other zombie movies, Return has the cajones to come right out and admit
that it's following in Romero's footsteps. This is, I think, to its credit, for by creatively linking
the plot of this film with that of Night, it allows the film to parody established zombie genre
conventions whilst also paying homage to them.
Additionally, it must be noted that while The Return of the Living Dead makes no bones
about where it comes from, it still brings something unique and original to the table. Aside
from the overall "comedy horror" tone of the movie (which, to my knowledge, is something
that had never been attempted in any zombie movie prior to this one), it also changes the
notion of zombies from flesh-eating drones to brain-eating drones. This might seem like a
subtle distinction, but in my estimation it's rather important--I have no scientific data to back
me up (seeing as how the National Institutes of Zombie Studies closed their doors a
number of years ago), but in my (admittedly anecdotal) experience, the zombies in this film
are the zombies that most casual and sub-casual zombie fans identify generically as
"zombies", i.e. as slobbering goons who say "brains" all the time. This flavor of zombie
depiction was even immortalized in an episode of The Simpsons (Treehouse of Horror III.)
Even though The Return of the Living Dead isn't necessarily trying to do things that are
terribly different from any other zombie movie, it still establishes the template for what most
people consider a zombie to really be. The point I'm trying to make is simply something
that my Uncle Hot Rod used to always say: you don't have to reinvent the wheel if you know
how to design a kickass-looking hubcap with like skulls and flames and shit on it. Too true.
Score: 5
| Here’s something that’s not original: ripping off the Ralph Steadman-font. |
Rewatchability: I've seen The Return of the Living Dead innumerable times (well, I mean,
there is an actual number, I just don't know what it is), and I must admit that it never gets
old, and when you break it down, it's easy to see why: brain-eating, naked cemetery
dancing, zombie dogs...what's not to want to see again?
Score: 5
Datedness: The Return of the Living Dead takes place on a specific date, so it is, by
definition, dated. If that weren't enough though, it's definitely dated (although not terminally
so) by half of its cast being "generic teenage misfit punks". As we all know, generic
teenage misfit punks were really only used in movies in that thin sliver of time between
when punks stopped being scary (Rock 'N' Roll High School) and when they became totally
passé (when Spock administered the Vulcan neck-pinch to that punk on the bus in Star
Trek IV).
Score: 3
there is an actual number, I just don't know what it is), and I must admit that it never gets
old, and when you break it down, it's easy to see why: brain-eating, naked cemetery
dancing, zombie dogs...what's not to want to see again?
Score: 5
Datedness: The Return of the Living Dead takes place on a specific date, so it is, by
definition, dated. If that weren't enough though, it's definitely dated (although not terminally
so) by half of its cast being "generic teenage misfit punks". As we all know, generic
teenage misfit punks were really only used in movies in that thin sliver of time between
when punks stopped being scary (Rock 'N' Roll High School) and when they became totally
passé (when Spock administered the Vulcan neck-pinch to that punk on the bus in Star
Trek IV).
Score: 3
| The golden days of punks in movies. |
Soundtrack: The Return of the Living Dead features the normal keyboard-based music
that most zombie movies do, a circumstance that would normally elicit a score of '1' in this
category. However, the film's soundtrack scores higher due to the facts that (a) the
keyboard music is at least funky, and (2) it also features the most generic-sounding 80's
rock music this side of Howard Jones. If you're going to suck, suck with excellence, that's
what I say.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: If The Return of the Living Dead weren't famous for the whole
"brains" thing that I mentioned earlier, it would still have another feather in its cap: its nudity.
So I guess that would make it a naked feather. Could there be such a thing? I have no
idea. The point is, almost as much a focal point of the movie as the titular zombies is the
great Linnea Quigley, in what is perhaps her finest role (next to, of course, her work in
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama). If you don't enjoy Ms. Quigley's nude
graveyard dancing, you'll probably enjoy the fact that she's generally naked for most of the
movie, and if you don't enjoy that, I'm sure you'll enjoy the fact that even in death, nay, living
death, she's still naked. That, my friends, is commitment to au naturel artistry.
Score: 5
Lead Actor: Honestly I'm kind of at a loss as to who the "lead actor" in this movie was.
Candidates include Burt, Ernie, Spider, and a whole host of other characters who are or
could be named after Muppets. Ultimately, as I have no idea who counts as the lead actor, I
will go with Thom Mathews in the role of Freddy, because he has the most interesting
character arc, he's involved in the film from the beginning, and in real life he apparently
owns a construction company, which has got to count for something. Mr. Mathews does a
fine job in The Return of the Living Dead, and it's easy to overlook the fact that he
convincingly takes his character from bumbling rube to a very confused living corpse to a
zombified, girlfriend-hunting sociopath in less than 90 minutes. Even Peter O'Toole never
did that.
Score: 4
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Since the character of Freddy was ruled by high ZombieTastic
decree to be The Return of the Living Dead's lead actor, the character of Tina, played by
Beverly Randolph, shows up here as the love interest. Beverly Randolph does a decent job
in the role, but the question is never answered: why would a fussy, preppy girl like Tina
hang out with the punk rock weirdoes in this film? I mean, are there so few people in her
town that she's forced to hang out with whoever is around? I suppose these issues aren't
Beverly Randolph's to solve, but then, whose are they? The director's? The screenwriter's?
The casting agent's? The catering guy's? Whose?
Score: 3
that most zombie movies do, a circumstance that would normally elicit a score of '1' in this
category. However, the film's soundtrack scores higher due to the facts that (a) the
keyboard music is at least funky, and (2) it also features the most generic-sounding 80's
rock music this side of Howard Jones. If you're going to suck, suck with excellence, that's
what I say.
Score: 3
Breast Factor/Nudity: If The Return of the Living Dead weren't famous for the whole
"brains" thing that I mentioned earlier, it would still have another feather in its cap: its nudity.
So I guess that would make it a naked feather. Could there be such a thing? I have no
idea. The point is, almost as much a focal point of the movie as the titular zombies is the
great Linnea Quigley, in what is perhaps her finest role (next to, of course, her work in
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama). If you don't enjoy Ms. Quigley's nude
graveyard dancing, you'll probably enjoy the fact that she's generally naked for most of the
movie, and if you don't enjoy that, I'm sure you'll enjoy the fact that even in death, nay, living
death, she's still naked. That, my friends, is commitment to au naturel artistry.
Score: 5
Lead Actor: Honestly I'm kind of at a loss as to who the "lead actor" in this movie was.
Candidates include Burt, Ernie, Spider, and a whole host of other characters who are or
could be named after Muppets. Ultimately, as I have no idea who counts as the lead actor, I
will go with Thom Mathews in the role of Freddy, because he has the most interesting
character arc, he's involved in the film from the beginning, and in real life he apparently
owns a construction company, which has got to count for something. Mr. Mathews does a
fine job in The Return of the Living Dead, and it's easy to overlook the fact that he
convincingly takes his character from bumbling rube to a very confused living corpse to a
zombified, girlfriend-hunting sociopath in less than 90 minutes. Even Peter O'Toole never
did that.
Score: 4
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Since the character of Freddy was ruled by high ZombieTastic
decree to be The Return of the Living Dead's lead actor, the character of Tina, played by
Beverly Randolph, shows up here as the love interest. Beverly Randolph does a decent job
in the role, but the question is never answered: why would a fussy, preppy girl like Tina
hang out with the punk rock weirdoes in this film? I mean, are there so few people in her
town that she's forced to hang out with whoever is around? I suppose these issues aren't
Beverly Randolph's to solve, but then, whose are they? The director's? The screenwriter's?
The casting agent's? The catering guy's? Whose?
Score: 3
| Seriously, would these people hang out with each other? |
Overall Cast: The overall cast does an excellent job. Special props go to the punks, who
are lewd, crude, (sometimes) nude, and full of attitude. I am, however slightly confused by
the fact that half of them seem like rejects from The Class of Nuke 'Em High, while the other
half seem like rejects from Biff's gang in the original Back to the Future. I'm just saying that
it's really weird to see guys with mohawks hanging out with guys wearing suit jackets.
Believe me.
Score: 5
Token Scientist: I guess that this movie's token scientist is Ernie the mortician. I say
guess because I'm not entirely sure. The case for Ernie being the token scientist: mortuary
science is a science (it says so right there in the name), and additionally, Ernie is very
scientific with regards to his treatment of the zombies, i.e. in order to find out more about
them, he captures one, straps it to a table, and interviews it in a probing, hard-hitting
fashion that Charlie Rose would approve of. The case against Ernie being the token
scientist: he doesn't wear glasses. I call that a "push".
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: Perhaps the one unreservedly negative thing that I can say about The
Return of the Living Dead is that it features exactly zero fat guys. Are you telling me that,
what with the diversity of the punks in this film, they couldn't manage to fit one measly fat
guy into the cast? Whatever. That's just fatism, plain and simple.
Score: 1
Best Line: I'm tempted to give the film's best line to the following conversation between
Casey and Chuck:
Chuck: "I like death with sex. How about you Casey, you like sex with death?"
Casey: "Yeah, so fuck off and die."
However, that would be giving the "Best Line" prize to dialogue composed of more than one
line, which is immoral, unethical, and keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for...
um, ya know domestic... within the city... that ain't legal either. So, instead, we'll go with the
character of Suicide's classic, witty, and wittily classic rejoinder, "Hey, fuck you, ball-buster!"
Not only is it fierce and quotable, but it also works in a variety of contexts outside the movie,
which is really the litmus test for a film's best line. Way to go, Suicide: you may have had a
stupid haircut and rage control problems, and your car may have been a piece of shit, and
your brain might have been eaten by zombies, but at least you left your mark on the world.
Score: 5
are lewd, crude, (sometimes) nude, and full of attitude. I am, however slightly confused by
the fact that half of them seem like rejects from The Class of Nuke 'Em High, while the other
half seem like rejects from Biff's gang in the original Back to the Future. I'm just saying that
it's really weird to see guys with mohawks hanging out with guys wearing suit jackets.
Believe me.
Score: 5
Token Scientist: I guess that this movie's token scientist is Ernie the mortician. I say
guess because I'm not entirely sure. The case for Ernie being the token scientist: mortuary
science is a science (it says so right there in the name), and additionally, Ernie is very
scientific with regards to his treatment of the zombies, i.e. in order to find out more about
them, he captures one, straps it to a table, and interviews it in a probing, hard-hitting
fashion that Charlie Rose would approve of. The case against Ernie being the token
scientist: he doesn't wear glasses. I call that a "push".
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: Perhaps the one unreservedly negative thing that I can say about The
Return of the Living Dead is that it features exactly zero fat guys. Are you telling me that,
what with the diversity of the punks in this film, they couldn't manage to fit one measly fat
guy into the cast? Whatever. That's just fatism, plain and simple.
Score: 1
Best Line: I'm tempted to give the film's best line to the following conversation between
Casey and Chuck:
Chuck: "I like death with sex. How about you Casey, you like sex with death?"
Casey: "Yeah, so fuck off and die."
However, that would be giving the "Best Line" prize to dialogue composed of more than one
line, which is immoral, unethical, and keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for...
um, ya know domestic... within the city... that ain't legal either. So, instead, we'll go with the
character of Suicide's classic, witty, and wittily classic rejoinder, "Hey, fuck you, ball-buster!"
Not only is it fierce and quotable, but it also works in a variety of contexts outside the movie,
which is really the litmus test for a film's best line. Way to go, Suicide: you may have had a
stupid haircut and rage control problems, and your car may have been a piece of shit, and
your brain might have been eaten by zombies, but at least you left your mark on the world.
Score: 5
| Frank, illustrating a little something that I like to call “foreshadowing.” |
Intangibles: To put it bluntly, The Return of the Living Dead is a testimony to the wisdom of
Troy McClure in Calling All Quakers: it has it its way, baby**. What that means is that the
film successfully plays it both ways: it's silly, but it's also freaky. In short, it's a unique and
classic contribution to zombie cinema.
**Editor's note: If you don't get that reference, it's probably a good thing; it means that you
probably have other, better things to besides memorizing TV dialogue. Congratulations.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: Despite the sentiment expressed in the previous category, it's hard to
give a definitive answer in this category. This is because while the marquee zombies in the
film are definitely believable, a large number of the zombies in The Return of the Living
Dead aren't as believable as they could be, simply because, as mentioned in the makeup
category, they don't really look like zombies. Normally this would be a fatal error, but the fact
is that the camera never lingers on the unbelievable zombies for very long, i.e. much more
attention is paid to the zombies that actually look like, you know, zombies.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: The first zombie attack scene in the film occurs when someone
who strongly resembles a hare krishna is unleashed in the Uneeda Medical Supply
Company; the excellence of this scene is heightened by the discussion between Frank and
Freddy as to how one actually goes about neutralizing the living dead. Having seen a lot of
zombie movies myself, this scene was deeply disturbing, because it made me realize that
my arrogance towards the living dead might be misplaced. I have always assumed that if I
was ever confronted by a zombie that I would make short work of it. However, this scene
raises an interesting question: what if you try to fight a zombie with methods that you've
seen in the movies, only these methods don't work? Alas, I have no answer for this
question: I will leave it to the philosophers to settle.
Back to the point: there are several other attack scenes in The Return of the Living Dead,
but the important thing to note is that essentially the entire second half of the movie is an
extended zombie attack scene, which is something to be commended. Less talk, more
rock, that's what I say.
Score: 4
Troy McClure in Calling All Quakers: it has it its way, baby**. What that means is that the
film successfully plays it both ways: it's silly, but it's also freaky. In short, it's a unique and
classic contribution to zombie cinema.
**Editor's note: If you don't get that reference, it's probably a good thing; it means that you
probably have other, better things to besides memorizing TV dialogue. Congratulations.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: Despite the sentiment expressed in the previous category, it's hard to
give a definitive answer in this category. This is because while the marquee zombies in the
film are definitely believable, a large number of the zombies in The Return of the Living
Dead aren't as believable as they could be, simply because, as mentioned in the makeup
category, they don't really look like zombies. Normally this would be a fatal error, but the fact
is that the camera never lingers on the unbelievable zombies for very long, i.e. much more
attention is paid to the zombies that actually look like, you know, zombies.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: The first zombie attack scene in the film occurs when someone
who strongly resembles a hare krishna is unleashed in the Uneeda Medical Supply
Company; the excellence of this scene is heightened by the discussion between Frank and
Freddy as to how one actually goes about neutralizing the living dead. Having seen a lot of
zombie movies myself, this scene was deeply disturbing, because it made me realize that
my arrogance towards the living dead might be misplaced. I have always assumed that if I
was ever confronted by a zombie that I would make short work of it. However, this scene
raises an interesting question: what if you try to fight a zombie with methods that you've
seen in the movies, only these methods don't work? Alas, I have no answer for this
question: I will leave it to the philosophers to settle.
Back to the point: there are several other attack scenes in The Return of the Living Dead,
but the important thing to note is that essentially the entire second half of the movie is an
extended zombie attack scene, which is something to be commended. Less talk, more
rock, that's what I say.
Score: 4
| Zombies, expressing their concern over the lack of affordable healthcare. |
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There's the graveyard zombie orgy, there are the multiple "attack
the paramedics" orgies, there are the multiple "attack the cops" orgies, and there's the
implied "zombies take over the world" orgy. I suppose you could say that the zombie orgies
be a-flyin' in this here film. I don't know if that's a disturbing visual image or a compelling
one.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry:The characters in The Return of the Living Dead utilize a diverse
array of anti-zombie weapons, including axes, handsaws, guns, acid, an attic, and of
course, a tactical nuclear device. Pretty standard stuff, really.
Score: 4
Zombification Explanation: Not only does The Return of the Living Dead provide us a
semi-plausible explanation as to why the dead are returning to life--namely as a result of
interaction with a toxic chemical named 245 Trioxin--but the film also provides an
explanation from the zombified, if that makes any sense. Specifically, we finally get to the
bottom of why zombies eat the living--apparently, munching on yummy brains helps them
deal with "the pain of being dead." Makes sense to me. Let this be a lesson to our
quick-fix, take-a-pill-for-everything society: nothing solves a problem like a plate-full of gray
matter.
Score: 4
the paramedics" orgies, there are the multiple "attack the cops" orgies, and there's the
implied "zombies take over the world" orgy. I suppose you could say that the zombie orgies
be a-flyin' in this here film. I don't know if that's a disturbing visual image or a compelling
one.
Score: 4
Anti-Zombie Weaponry:The characters in The Return of the Living Dead utilize a diverse
array of anti-zombie weapons, including axes, handsaws, guns, acid, an attic, and of
course, a tactical nuclear device. Pretty standard stuff, really.
Score: 4
Zombification Explanation: Not only does The Return of the Living Dead provide us a
semi-plausible explanation as to why the dead are returning to life--namely as a result of
interaction with a toxic chemical named 245 Trioxin--but the film also provides an
explanation from the zombified, if that makes any sense. Specifically, we finally get to the
bottom of why zombies eat the living--apparently, munching on yummy brains helps them
deal with "the pain of being dead." Makes sense to me. Let this be a lesson to our
quick-fix, take-a-pill-for-everything society: nothing solves a problem like a plate-full of gray
matter.
Score: 4
| Refrigerate after opening. |
Zombie Uniqueness: Even though this movie consciously follows in the footsteps of
George Romero's zombie vision, it must be said that the zombies in The Return of the
Living Dead are quite unique. Perhaps the most important point to make about them is that
they're semi-sentient--they can talk (they scream "brains" a lot, among other things), they
can think strategically (as when a zombie uses an ambulance radio to convince the
dispatcher on the other end to send more paramedics to a site crawling with hungry
zombies), they can reason (as when a zombie uses a chain and a wench to pry open a
door), and they can run. I don't think I've ever seen zombies do all of these things together
in any other movie (except perhaps in that movie Glitter--people are always trying to
convince me that that wasn't a zombie movie, but come on--did you see Mariah Carey's
glazed-over eyes in that movie? Zombie flick all the way.) All of this raises the question: if a
zombie can reason and act with purpose, is it really even a zombie at that point?
Perhaps even more disturbing than the aforementioned aspects of the zombies in this
movie is that often, when a zombie's body parts are severed, those body parts still continue
to function and to attack the living. How? How can a severed body part know what it's even
attacking? We know that the zombies in this movie try to eat people so that they can dull the
pain of being dead, but how the fuck is, for example, a severed arm supposed to eat
anything?
This review is raising a lot of weird philosophical questions. Does anyone have Sartre's
phone number?
Score: 5
George Romero's zombie vision, it must be said that the zombies in The Return of the
Living Dead are quite unique. Perhaps the most important point to make about them is that
they're semi-sentient--they can talk (they scream "brains" a lot, among other things), they
can think strategically (as when a zombie uses an ambulance radio to convince the
dispatcher on the other end to send more paramedics to a site crawling with hungry
zombies), they can reason (as when a zombie uses a chain and a wench to pry open a
door), and they can run. I don't think I've ever seen zombies do all of these things together
in any other movie (except perhaps in that movie Glitter--people are always trying to
convince me that that wasn't a zombie movie, but come on--did you see Mariah Carey's
glazed-over eyes in that movie? Zombie flick all the way.) All of this raises the question: if a
zombie can reason and act with purpose, is it really even a zombie at that point?
Perhaps even more disturbing than the aforementioned aspects of the zombies in this
movie is that often, when a zombie's body parts are severed, those body parts still continue
to function and to attack the living. How? How can a severed body part know what it's even
attacking? We know that the zombies in this movie try to eat people so that they can dull the
pain of being dead, but how the fuck is, for example, a severed arm supposed to eat
anything?
This review is raising a lot of weird philosophical questions. Does anyone have Sartre's
phone number?
Score: 5
| A severed arm, attacking New Balance sneakers years before hipsters would start wearing them. |
Zombie Consistency: If zombie consistency is your game, The Return of the Living Dead
will probably disappoint you. To the point, the variety of zombie types in this film is so wide,
it's almost like the producers of the film were consciously trying to create a pastiche of the
various types of zombies that have been in zombie films over the years. There are cadaver
zombies, ghoul zombies, human zombies, skeletons w/eyes (a la Army of Darkness),
Night of the Living Dead-like decaying shamblers, corpse zombies reminiscent of Zombi 2,
and punk rock zombies (not to be confused, of course, with Hard Rock Zombies). You want
to know what I think? I'll tell you: zombie diversity is best left up to undead Benetton ads.
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: The signature zombie in The Return of the Living Dead is clearly the
ghoulish "Brains" zombie that everyone knows and loves. I would say that he's probably
one of the top-5 zombies of all time, ranking right after the iconic zombie from the opening
graveyard scene in Night of the Living Dead, and right before Ronald Reagan during his
second term as president.
Score: 5
will probably disappoint you. To the point, the variety of zombie types in this film is so wide,
it's almost like the producers of the film were consciously trying to create a pastiche of the
various types of zombies that have been in zombie films over the years. There are cadaver
zombies, ghoul zombies, human zombies, skeletons w/eyes (a la Army of Darkness),
Night of the Living Dead-like decaying shamblers, corpse zombies reminiscent of Zombi 2,
and punk rock zombies (not to be confused, of course, with Hard Rock Zombies). You want
to know what I think? I'll tell you: zombie diversity is best left up to undead Benetton ads.
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: The signature zombie in The Return of the Living Dead is clearly the
ghoulish "Brains" zombie that everyone knows and loves. I would say that he's probably
one of the top-5 zombies of all time, ranking right after the iconic zombie from the opening
graveyard scene in Night of the Living Dead, and right before Ronald Reagan during his
second term as president.
Score: 5
| Ladies and gentlemen, your signature zombie. |
Total Points: 111
Verdict: The Return of the Living Dead is truly a ZombieTastic film. It injected comedy and
energy into the zombie genre (which is something that it desperately needed), and
personally, I would argue that this was the defining zombie movie of the 1980s, as
influential in its own way as any of the other bone fide "zombie classics" that we all know
and love. As discussed in the Originality section of this review, while consciously following
in Romero's footsteps, The Return of the Living Dead does a lot of things in its own way,
breaking a lot of ground in the process, and its influence on subsequent zombie films
cannot be understated. Also, it features nude-graveyard dancing, which is always a good
thing, right? Right.
Next Time: Undead
Verdict: The Return of the Living Dead is truly a ZombieTastic film. It injected comedy and
energy into the zombie genre (which is something that it desperately needed), and
personally, I would argue that this was the defining zombie movie of the 1980s, as
influential in its own way as any of the other bone fide "zombie classics" that we all know
and love. As discussed in the Originality section of this review, while consciously following
in Romero's footsteps, The Return of the Living Dead does a lot of things in its own way,
breaking a lot of ground in the process, and its influence on subsequent zombie films
cannot be understated. Also, it features nude-graveyard dancing, which is always a good
thing, right? Right.
Next Time: Undead
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