The ZombieTastic Review of:
Cemetery Man
Cemetery Man
Director: Michele Soavi
Year of Release: 1994
Country of Origin: France/Italy
Type of Zombie Film: One that chews on the brain whilst giving the
brain something to chew on. Yeah.
Also Known as: Dellamorte Dellamore, Of Death and Love,
Demons '95
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: In a general sense, the plot of Cemetery Man is relatively straightforward: Francesco
Dellamorte, the caretaker of the Buffalora Cemetery, and his trusty assistant Gnaghi, find
that the recently buried are rising from the grave and trying to eat people. No one in the
town's administration believes that this is happening, and so Francesco and Gnaghi simply
deal with these so-called "Returners" and go on about their day. In other words: your
average zombie-movie plot.
In a specific sense, however, the plot of Cemetery Man is relatively baffling, as it features:
multiple conversations with the Grim Reaper, a lady who keeps returning as other ladies, a
man desperate to have his penis removed, a zombie killer turned human killer, an orgasm
faked by a man, a talking severed head, a puke scene that is neither hilarious nor gross,
and, generally speaking, more symbolism than a poem by T.S. Eliot. In other words,
multiple variations on your average zombie-movie plot.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that Cemetery Man takes familiar zombie-movie conventions
as its starting point, and puts its own unique twist on them. Hmmm, a unique twist on
something that's familiar? Let me go ahead and say it: Cemetery Man is the New Coke of
zombie movies, but in a good way.
Score: 4
Exposition: The only exposition to be found in Cemetery Man occurs at the film's outset,
when the character of Francesco quickly gets us up to speed on the happenings at the
cemetery with a voiceover. Now, as we all know, normally a paucity of exposition is good;
however, in the case of Cemetery Man, I don't think I would have minded more exposition.
As a matter of fact, I found myself actively wishing for more of it, because frankly I wasn't
smart enough to comprehend at least 30% of the things that happened in this movie. I
guess it's true what they say: too much exposition is bad, except when it's not.
Score: 3
Year of Release: 1994
Country of Origin: France/Italy
Type of Zombie Film: One that chews on the brain whilst giving the
brain something to chew on. Yeah.
Also Known as: Dellamorte Dellamore, Of Death and Love,
Demons '95
Part of a series?: No.
The Scoring
Plot: In a general sense, the plot of Cemetery Man is relatively straightforward: Francesco
Dellamorte, the caretaker of the Buffalora Cemetery, and his trusty assistant Gnaghi, find
that the recently buried are rising from the grave and trying to eat people. No one in the
town's administration believes that this is happening, and so Francesco and Gnaghi simply
deal with these so-called "Returners" and go on about their day. In other words: your
average zombie-movie plot.
In a specific sense, however, the plot of Cemetery Man is relatively baffling, as it features:
multiple conversations with the Grim Reaper, a lady who keeps returning as other ladies, a
man desperate to have his penis removed, a zombie killer turned human killer, an orgasm
faked by a man, a talking severed head, a puke scene that is neither hilarious nor gross,
and, generally speaking, more symbolism than a poem by T.S. Eliot. In other words,
multiple variations on your average zombie-movie plot.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that Cemetery Man takes familiar zombie-movie conventions
as its starting point, and puts its own unique twist on them. Hmmm, a unique twist on
something that's familiar? Let me go ahead and say it: Cemetery Man is the New Coke of
zombie movies, but in a good way.
Score: 4
Exposition: The only exposition to be found in Cemetery Man occurs at the film's outset,
when the character of Francesco quickly gets us up to speed on the happenings at the
cemetery with a voiceover. Now, as we all know, normally a paucity of exposition is good;
however, in the case of Cemetery Man, I don't think I would have minded more exposition.
As a matter of fact, I found myself actively wishing for more of it, because frankly I wasn't
smart enough to comprehend at least 30% of the things that happened in this movie. I
guess it's true what they say: too much exposition is bad, except when it's not.
Score: 3
| I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me what this shot means. |
Plausibility: Seeing as how Cemetery Man is, as the great literary critic Ford Madox Ford
might have put it, all artsy and metaphorical and shit, it's difficult to say if some of the things
that happen in the film are highly implausible, or just artistic flourishes that I didn't
understand. So, on the one hand, perhaps it is plausible that (a) the mayor doesn't care
about someone vomiting on his daughter at lunch, (b) a dude in the film has a coffin so big,
he can be buried with his motorcycle, and (c) a severed head is able to walk around (I don't
know how else to say it). Even if we accept that line of reasoning and say that the
aforementioned items are plausible, I still have to say that I find it ridiculously implausible
that a woman would mention how upset she is that her husband died and then almost
immediately afterwards have sex on his fresh grave with a total stranger. I mean, would any
woman do this? And if so, how can I get her number?
Score: 2
Production Value: Visually, the production value of Cemetery Man seems high, what with
the stylish sets that would make Tim Burton vomit with envy, and the many beautiful and/or
striking shots.
Aurally, however, Cemetery Man is kind of a mess. I don't know if it was the DVD copy that I
was watching or the way the film itself was mixed, but throughout Cemetery Man, the
dialogue was quite muddy, whereas the music was crystal clear, to the point that while
watching the movie, I found myself having to increase the volume to hear what was being
said, only to then have my ear-drums all but shattered by the film's soundtrack. Simply put,
if you could kill zombies with mumbling, the characters in this film would never have been in
any danger from the living dead.
Ultimately, I guess you could say that Cemetery Man suffers from Fran Drescher
Syndrome: it looks great, but its sound is very, very annoying.
Score: 3
Special Effects: There aren't many special effects in Cemetery Man, and this is a good
thing, because the ones that are there are pretty cheap-looking. For example, the scene in
which motorcycle riders are run over by a bus was so budget, it bore more of a
resemblance to an outtake from Death Race 2000 than it did to a film produced in the
1990s. And, the scene in which a Boy Scout's head is blown apart by a gun blast looked
about as realistic as Pamela Anderson's breasts. That's a really bad example, because
even though they're fake-looking, Pamela Anderson's breasts are, unlike a bad special
effect, actually worth looking at. Where was I? Oh yeah, Cemetery Man's special effects--I
could site more examples of how lame they are, but what would be the point? As we all
know, if you can't run over a motorcycle rider and/or explode a Boy Scout's head with style,
you can't really do anything.
Score: 2
might have put it, all artsy and metaphorical and shit, it's difficult to say if some of the things
that happen in the film are highly implausible, or just artistic flourishes that I didn't
understand. So, on the one hand, perhaps it is plausible that (a) the mayor doesn't care
about someone vomiting on his daughter at lunch, (b) a dude in the film has a coffin so big,
he can be buried with his motorcycle, and (c) a severed head is able to walk around (I don't
know how else to say it). Even if we accept that line of reasoning and say that the
aforementioned items are plausible, I still have to say that I find it ridiculously implausible
that a woman would mention how upset she is that her husband died and then almost
immediately afterwards have sex on his fresh grave with a total stranger. I mean, would any
woman do this? And if so, how can I get her number?
Score: 2
Production Value: Visually, the production value of Cemetery Man seems high, what with
the stylish sets that would make Tim Burton vomit with envy, and the many beautiful and/or
striking shots.
Aurally, however, Cemetery Man is kind of a mess. I don't know if it was the DVD copy that I
was watching or the way the film itself was mixed, but throughout Cemetery Man, the
dialogue was quite muddy, whereas the music was crystal clear, to the point that while
watching the movie, I found myself having to increase the volume to hear what was being
said, only to then have my ear-drums all but shattered by the film's soundtrack. Simply put,
if you could kill zombies with mumbling, the characters in this film would never have been in
any danger from the living dead.
Ultimately, I guess you could say that Cemetery Man suffers from Fran Drescher
Syndrome: it looks great, but its sound is very, very annoying.
Score: 3
Special Effects: There aren't many special effects in Cemetery Man, and this is a good
thing, because the ones that are there are pretty cheap-looking. For example, the scene in
which motorcycle riders are run over by a bus was so budget, it bore more of a
resemblance to an outtake from Death Race 2000 than it did to a film produced in the
1990s. And, the scene in which a Boy Scout's head is blown apart by a gun blast looked
about as realistic as Pamela Anderson's breasts. That's a really bad example, because
even though they're fake-looking, Pamela Anderson's breasts are, unlike a bad special
effect, actually worth looking at. Where was I? Oh yeah, Cemetery Man's special effects--I
could site more examples of how lame they are, but what would be the point? As we all
know, if you can't run over a motorcycle rider and/or explode a Boy Scout's head with style,
you can't really do anything.
Score: 2
| WORST EFFECT EVER. |
Makeup: The makeup effects in Cemetery Man are diametrically opposed to the film's
special effects--that's a fancy way of saying that they kick ass. The film utilizes a Dawn of
the Dead-style look for its zombies (which makes sense, because all of the zombies in the
film are culled from the ranks of the recently deceased), and this is a good thing
makeup-wise, because recently dead zombies seem to be much easier to apply makeup to
than do "skeleton" or "ghoul" zombies. I mean, it seems easier to apply makeup to actors
portraying zombies whose bodies are recently deceased, not that it's easier to apply
makeup to the zombies themselves. My lawyers have informed me that I should state here
that you should never, under any circumstances, try to apply makeup to any zombies that
you encounter. Smearing lipstick onto a deadite might seem like a lot of fun to you and your
friends, but it only takes one dropped tube of mascara for the whole thing to go south.
Remember when Zombie Tammy Faye ate that whole fraternity? Let that be a stern
warning to us all.
Score: 4
Scariness: Cemetery Man doesn't really have "traditional scares", but it does feature a host
of "abstract scares". What I mean is that the film induces lots of scary philosophical
thoughts, like for example when Francesco says, "The living dead and the dying living are
all the same." Is that true? If so, how can I effectively combat zombies? Should I just kill
everyone? Would it be helpful if I came up with a Jeff Foxworthy-styled "You might be a
zombie if" comedy routine? Should I just kill myself for even coming up with an idea like
that? And most importantly: if the dying living are no different from the living dead, does that
mean that I can stop worrying about my credit rating? I think you see what I'm saying:
Cemetery Man isn't "boo" scary, but it's pretty chilling nonetheless.
Score: 3
Goriness: Cemetery Man isn't overly gory, but it definitely has its splattertastic
moments--after all, someone gets shot in the head before the opening credits even role,
and generally the film features more cranial gun blasts than a Dick Cheney hunting trip.
This works well for the film overall, and it's nice to see a zombie movie using carnage well
but reservedly, because as we all know, most flicks either have way too much gore or far
too little gore. And of course, sometimes flicks have nothing but Gore (e.g., An
Inconvenient Truth), but I guess that's another topic for another time.
Score: 3
special effects--that's a fancy way of saying that they kick ass. The film utilizes a Dawn of
the Dead-style look for its zombies (which makes sense, because all of the zombies in the
film are culled from the ranks of the recently deceased), and this is a good thing
makeup-wise, because recently dead zombies seem to be much easier to apply makeup to
than do "skeleton" or "ghoul" zombies. I mean, it seems easier to apply makeup to actors
portraying zombies whose bodies are recently deceased, not that it's easier to apply
makeup to the zombies themselves. My lawyers have informed me that I should state here
that you should never, under any circumstances, try to apply makeup to any zombies that
you encounter. Smearing lipstick onto a deadite might seem like a lot of fun to you and your
friends, but it only takes one dropped tube of mascara for the whole thing to go south.
Remember when Zombie Tammy Faye ate that whole fraternity? Let that be a stern
warning to us all.
Score: 4
Scariness: Cemetery Man doesn't really have "traditional scares", but it does feature a host
of "abstract scares". What I mean is that the film induces lots of scary philosophical
thoughts, like for example when Francesco says, "The living dead and the dying living are
all the same." Is that true? If so, how can I effectively combat zombies? Should I just kill
everyone? Would it be helpful if I came up with a Jeff Foxworthy-styled "You might be a
zombie if" comedy routine? Should I just kill myself for even coming up with an idea like
that? And most importantly: if the dying living are no different from the living dead, does that
mean that I can stop worrying about my credit rating? I think you see what I'm saying:
Cemetery Man isn't "boo" scary, but it's pretty chilling nonetheless.
Score: 3
Goriness: Cemetery Man isn't overly gory, but it definitely has its splattertastic
moments--after all, someone gets shot in the head before the opening credits even role,
and generally the film features more cranial gun blasts than a Dick Cheney hunting trip.
This works well for the film overall, and it's nice to see a zombie movie using carnage well
but reservedly, because as we all know, most flicks either have way too much gore or far
too little gore. And of course, sometimes flicks have nothing but Gore (e.g., An
Inconvenient Truth), but I guess that's another topic for another time.
Score: 3
| This freaky cloth-kiss is easily the scariest thing in this movie. |
Final Scene: I wish I knew what the final scene in this film was. I mean, I know what it was,
I just don't know what it was. Here's the breakdown: after leaving Buffalora and hitting a
bicycle-riding Grim Reaper with his vehicle, Francesco Dellamorte and his trusty sidekick
Gnaghi drive through a metaphorical tunnel and then into an even more metaphorical
blinding white light. Then, the road disappears. Then, Francesco says "I should have
known--the rest of the world doesn't exist." Then, Gnaghi dies, and then comes back to life,
and then throws Francesco's handgun into a lake. Then, they're both in a snow globe.
Then, the credits roll. Then, I type this out and try to figure out what the fuck just happened.
Score: 3
Comedy: It's hard to rate the comedy in Cemetery Man; this is because while it definitely
has intentional laughs, they're clustered in the film's second act. The first third of the movie
is a weird romance story with zombies, and the final third is an abstract philosophical
meditation on life and death. Meanwhile, the middle third is quite funny and almost
slapstick, featuring gags that wouldn't be out of place in an Evil Dead movie. While the
comedy is thus more or less confined, there are at least enough laughs in this part of the
movie to score decently in this category. Not only that, but the comedy is diverse, ranging
from subtle jokes (e.g., when Francesco points out that everyone ends up at the cemetery
eventually, and then the film immediately cuts to a head-crushing moped death scene), to
great one-liners, to throwaway conversations such as:
"Did you hear that?"
"I don't know--it depends."
I guess the bottom line is that the comedy in Cemetery Man is reminiscent of eating a King
cake, in the sense that s/he who works his/her way through the whole thing will be
rewarded with a tiny plastic baby. Actually, the comedy in Cemetery Man is nothing like that,
I simply have King cake on my mind because Mardi Gras just happened. Let's move on!
Score: 3
Originality: Cemetery Man is highly original, not only in terms of its plot, but also in the
sense that it is perhaps the only zombie "art film" ever made, which is refreshing. It's nice
to know that there are other filmmakers besides George Romero who see the potential in
using the living dead to make larger statements about life, the universe, and everything.
Additionally, the film features numerous highly original flourishes, including (1) a
protagonist who repeatedly reports the zombie outbreak to the appropriate officials, only to
be told that they can't do anything until he fills about the requisite government forms, (2) a
skeleton ripping off a blouse, and (3) someone who doesn't suffer remorse over shooting a
zombie kid in the head.
Perhaps most importantly in this area, Cemetery Man doesn't flinch when it comes to
dealing with tough issues like Inter-Metaphysical-Corporeal Dating (also known as humans
who love zombies and vice versa, undressing the undead, and the love that dare not speak
its name lest it do so by saying "brains"). Not only does Cemetery Man address this topic,
it does so as thoroughly as possible, featuring not one, not two, but three instances of the
living and the living dead getting busy (Gnaghi and a severed zombie head have a
whirlwind affair, Carlo the zombie's human girlfriend lets him eat her in a non-sexual way,
and Francesco makes out with, and is bitten by, a full-on zombie.) While there have been
other films that have dealt in one way or another with non-aggressive human-zombie
relationships (e.g. Return of the Living Dead 3 and Shaun of the Dead), none have done so
as thoroughly as Cemetery Man. Creepy? Hell yes. But, highly original? Indeed.
Score: 5
I just don't know what it was. Here's the breakdown: after leaving Buffalora and hitting a
bicycle-riding Grim Reaper with his vehicle, Francesco Dellamorte and his trusty sidekick
Gnaghi drive through a metaphorical tunnel and then into an even more metaphorical
blinding white light. Then, the road disappears. Then, Francesco says "I should have
known--the rest of the world doesn't exist." Then, Gnaghi dies, and then comes back to life,
and then throws Francesco's handgun into a lake. Then, they're both in a snow globe.
Then, the credits roll. Then, I type this out and try to figure out what the fuck just happened.
Score: 3
Comedy: It's hard to rate the comedy in Cemetery Man; this is because while it definitely
has intentional laughs, they're clustered in the film's second act. The first third of the movie
is a weird romance story with zombies, and the final third is an abstract philosophical
meditation on life and death. Meanwhile, the middle third is quite funny and almost
slapstick, featuring gags that wouldn't be out of place in an Evil Dead movie. While the
comedy is thus more or less confined, there are at least enough laughs in this part of the
movie to score decently in this category. Not only that, but the comedy is diverse, ranging
from subtle jokes (e.g., when Francesco points out that everyone ends up at the cemetery
eventually, and then the film immediately cuts to a head-crushing moped death scene), to
great one-liners, to throwaway conversations such as:
"Did you hear that?"
"I don't know--it depends."
I guess the bottom line is that the comedy in Cemetery Man is reminiscent of eating a King
cake, in the sense that s/he who works his/her way through the whole thing will be
rewarded with a tiny plastic baby. Actually, the comedy in Cemetery Man is nothing like that,
I simply have King cake on my mind because Mardi Gras just happened. Let's move on!
Score: 3
Originality: Cemetery Man is highly original, not only in terms of its plot, but also in the
sense that it is perhaps the only zombie "art film" ever made, which is refreshing. It's nice
to know that there are other filmmakers besides George Romero who see the potential in
using the living dead to make larger statements about life, the universe, and everything.
Additionally, the film features numerous highly original flourishes, including (1) a
protagonist who repeatedly reports the zombie outbreak to the appropriate officials, only to
be told that they can't do anything until he fills about the requisite government forms, (2) a
skeleton ripping off a blouse, and (3) someone who doesn't suffer remorse over shooting a
zombie kid in the head.
Perhaps most importantly in this area, Cemetery Man doesn't flinch when it comes to
dealing with tough issues like Inter-Metaphysical-Corporeal Dating (also known as humans
who love zombies and vice versa, undressing the undead, and the love that dare not speak
its name lest it do so by saying "brains"). Not only does Cemetery Man address this topic,
it does so as thoroughly as possible, featuring not one, not two, but three instances of the
living and the living dead getting busy (Gnaghi and a severed zombie head have a
whirlwind affair, Carlo the zombie's human girlfriend lets him eat her in a non-sexual way,
and Francesco makes out with, and is bitten by, a full-on zombie.) While there have been
other films that have dealt in one way or another with non-aggressive human-zombie
relationships (e.g. Return of the Living Dead 3 and Shaun of the Dead), none have done so
as thoroughly as Cemetery Man. Creepy? Hell yes. But, highly original? Indeed.
Score: 5
| Want to report a zombie outbreak? Please fill out these forms. |
Rewatchability: In my estimation, Cemetery Man is mandatory repeat viewing, for two
reasons:
(1) It's highly entertaining.
(2) I need to watch it maybe 4 or 5 more times simply to try to begin to understand what the
fuck is actually happening in it.
Score: 5
Datedness: If I had seen this film in 1995, it most definitely would not have seemed dated.
That's obviously true, because the film would only be a year old. Let me put this differently:
Cemetery Man is not dated by any of the action, or dialogue, or clothing sported within it.
No, it's dated by the presence of Mr. Rupert Everett. I'm not saying that he's bad--quite the
opposite actually, I think he makes the movie (more on this in the Lead Actor section). It's
just that it's hard to watch him being a bad-ass, casually dispatching and/or making out
with zombies, when all I know him from is My Best Friend's Wedding, Inspector Gadget,
and The Next Best Thing. Of course, the fact that that's where I know him from really isn't
his fault--he's not the one who made me date the girl who made me see all of those
movies. It would be weird and scary if he had, don't you think? The point is, as I said, it's
not really his fault that I saw those other movies before this one, so I shouldn't be overly
petty about how it dates Cemetery Man--just averagely petty.
Score: 3
Soundtrack: While the soundtrack of Cemetery Man mainly consists of keyboard pieces
that fit squarely into the tradition of European zombie movie music, such pieces at least
seem to be an update on things, which is good. I don't really have anything else to say
here, other than that while researching this movie, I discovered this piece of trivia on the
film's Imdb page: "Tangerine Dream was originally supposed to do the soundtrack, but
something else came up." Am I the only one who would like to know what it was that came
up that prevented Tangerine Dream from doing the music for this movie? I mean, what
could possibly have come up? Did their bass player get Herpes? Was there a plague of
locusts near their rehearsal space? Did one of their keyboardists accidentally sever a limb
during a chainsaw sculpting lesson? Tangerine Dream: what happened?
Score: 3
reasons:
(1) It's highly entertaining.
(2) I need to watch it maybe 4 or 5 more times simply to try to begin to understand what the
fuck is actually happening in it.
Score: 5
Datedness: If I had seen this film in 1995, it most definitely would not have seemed dated.
That's obviously true, because the film would only be a year old. Let me put this differently:
Cemetery Man is not dated by any of the action, or dialogue, or clothing sported within it.
No, it's dated by the presence of Mr. Rupert Everett. I'm not saying that he's bad--quite the
opposite actually, I think he makes the movie (more on this in the Lead Actor section). It's
just that it's hard to watch him being a bad-ass, casually dispatching and/or making out
with zombies, when all I know him from is My Best Friend's Wedding, Inspector Gadget,
and The Next Best Thing. Of course, the fact that that's where I know him from really isn't
his fault--he's not the one who made me date the girl who made me see all of those
movies. It would be weird and scary if he had, don't you think? The point is, as I said, it's
not really his fault that I saw those other movies before this one, so I shouldn't be overly
petty about how it dates Cemetery Man--just averagely petty.
Score: 3
Soundtrack: While the soundtrack of Cemetery Man mainly consists of keyboard pieces
that fit squarely into the tradition of European zombie movie music, such pieces at least
seem to be an update on things, which is good. I don't really have anything else to say
here, other than that while researching this movie, I discovered this piece of trivia on the
film's Imdb page: "Tangerine Dream was originally supposed to do the soundtrack, but
something else came up." Am I the only one who would like to know what it was that came
up that prevented Tangerine Dream from doing the music for this movie? I mean, what
could possibly have come up? Did their bass player get Herpes? Was there a plague of
locusts near their rehearsal space? Did one of their keyboardists accidentally sever a limb
during a chainsaw sculpting lesson? Tangerine Dream: what happened?
Score: 3
| The Cemetery gates of Cemetery Man: a bit on the nose, don't you think? |
Breast Factor/Nudity: The good: Cemetery Man features lots of boobies, and lots of
graveyard sex scenes.
The bad: Cemetery Man features Francesco flaunting his dong at a doctor while trying to
convince said doctor to chop it off.
This, my friends, is what is known as "a push".
Score: 3
Lead Actor: Rupert Everett as Francesco Dellamorte. As mentioned in the Datedness
category, Rupert Everett is superb in the lead role. To put it bluntly, he is the proverbial rug
that ties the room together in this film, if you catch my drift (and I hope that you do, because
otherwise, you're hopelessly lost and I've wasted a lot of personal time typing out this
sentence). It's definitely weird to see Rupert Everett in this capacity--he's not quirky, he's not
cheeky, he's not debonair; instead, he's morose, moody, and impotent. In other words, he
acts more like Rupert Murdoch than he does Rupert Everett, which is pretty weird when you
get right down to it.
Ultimately, his condition begs the question: is Francesco morose and moody because he's
impotent, or is he impotent because he's morose and moody? It's a chicken/egg kind of
question--which came first, the impotence or the egg? Actually, that doesn't make sense,
on a variety of fronts. Forget I brought it up.
Score: 5
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Anna Falchi as three different ladies who all look alike, which
means that they all look like Angelina Jolie, because that's who Anna Falchi looks like
(despite the fact that she is never, at any point in the film, accompanied by a retinue of
adopted Third World children). Anyways, the first of the three characters played by Anna
Falchi is perhaps the most interesting, as her hobbies include caressing skulls and
making love on her deceased husband's grave. The point: anyone who can be interested
in the aforementioned activities and still be hot instead of disturbing has acting talent,
period.
Score: 4
graveyard sex scenes.
The bad: Cemetery Man features Francesco flaunting his dong at a doctor while trying to
convince said doctor to chop it off.
This, my friends, is what is known as "a push".
Score: 3
Lead Actor: Rupert Everett as Francesco Dellamorte. As mentioned in the Datedness
category, Rupert Everett is superb in the lead role. To put it bluntly, he is the proverbial rug
that ties the room together in this film, if you catch my drift (and I hope that you do, because
otherwise, you're hopelessly lost and I've wasted a lot of personal time typing out this
sentence). It's definitely weird to see Rupert Everett in this capacity--he's not quirky, he's not
cheeky, he's not debonair; instead, he's morose, moody, and impotent. In other words, he
acts more like Rupert Murdoch than he does Rupert Everett, which is pretty weird when you
get right down to it.
Ultimately, his condition begs the question: is Francesco morose and moody because he's
impotent, or is he impotent because he's morose and moody? It's a chicken/egg kind of
question--which came first, the impotence or the egg? Actually, that doesn't make sense,
on a variety of fronts. Forget I brought it up.
Score: 5
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Anna Falchi as three different ladies who all look alike, which
means that they all look like Angelina Jolie, because that's who Anna Falchi looks like
(despite the fact that she is never, at any point in the film, accompanied by a retinue of
adopted Third World children). Anyways, the first of the three characters played by Anna
Falchi is perhaps the most interesting, as her hobbies include caressing skulls and
making love on her deceased husband's grave. The point: anyone who can be interested
in the aforementioned activities and still be hot instead of disturbing has acting talent,
period.
Score: 4
| Caressing skulls: apparently it's not just for perverted old men anymore! |
Overall Cast: The overall cast in Cemetery Man is excellent, and that's all I really have to
say about that. ZombieTastic Editor's Note: INSERT YOUR OWN INTERESTING /
INSIGHTFUL COMMENT HERE.
Score: 4
Token Scientist: I'm not sure who the token scientist in Cemetery Man is. I'm going to go
out on a limb and suggest that it's Francesco himself. At one point he claims to have a
degree in biology, which would put him squarely in the "token scientist" camp. However, it
is later revealed that he was lying about this bio degree--not only does he not have such a
credential, but he didn't even finish high school. While such lies might potentially disqualify
Francesco from being a scientist, it should be noted that (a) he has apparently read the
entire phone book multiple times, which is a feat that easily trumps perhaps 98% of all
scientific achievements EVER, and (2) a lady who routinely hangs out at the graveyard likes
to call him an engineer, and as we all know, engineers look like scientists if you squint. So
yeah, I think we can say with confidence that Francesco is the token scientist in Cemetery
Man. Awesome!
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: Cemetery Man's token fat guy is perhaps the greatest token fat guy in the
history of zombie cinema: the character of Gnaghi, played by François Hadji-Lazaro. What
can I say about Gnaghi to convince you of this? Perhaps I should point out some of his
charming qualities: he communicates mainly by grunting; he's very "Igor-like" in the way he
follows Francesco around and takes his orders; even though Gnaghi's primary duties
include kicking zombie ass, he sucks horribly at actually battling the living dead; he loves
dead leaves and ice cream (who doesn't?); he spontaneously vomits on a girl that he likes,
and then he tries to marry her zombiefied severed head. If the aforementioned details don't
lead you to the conclusion that Gnaghi is T.B.F.T.F.G.E.**, perhaps this nugget of
information will: he likes to eat spaghetti with bananas in it. Show me another token fat guy
who's that committed to actually being a token fat guy. I think it's safe to say that you can't.
**T.B.F.T.F.G.E. = The Best Fucking Token Fat Guy Ever.
Score: 5
say about that. ZombieTastic Editor's Note: INSERT YOUR OWN INTERESTING /
INSIGHTFUL COMMENT HERE.
Score: 4
Token Scientist: I'm not sure who the token scientist in Cemetery Man is. I'm going to go
out on a limb and suggest that it's Francesco himself. At one point he claims to have a
degree in biology, which would put him squarely in the "token scientist" camp. However, it
is later revealed that he was lying about this bio degree--not only does he not have such a
credential, but he didn't even finish high school. While such lies might potentially disqualify
Francesco from being a scientist, it should be noted that (a) he has apparently read the
entire phone book multiple times, which is a feat that easily trumps perhaps 98% of all
scientific achievements EVER, and (2) a lady who routinely hangs out at the graveyard likes
to call him an engineer, and as we all know, engineers look like scientists if you squint. So
yeah, I think we can say with confidence that Francesco is the token scientist in Cemetery
Man. Awesome!
Score: 3
Token Fat Guy: Cemetery Man's token fat guy is perhaps the greatest token fat guy in the
history of zombie cinema: the character of Gnaghi, played by François Hadji-Lazaro. What
can I say about Gnaghi to convince you of this? Perhaps I should point out some of his
charming qualities: he communicates mainly by grunting; he's very "Igor-like" in the way he
follows Francesco around and takes his orders; even though Gnaghi's primary duties
include kicking zombie ass, he sucks horribly at actually battling the living dead; he loves
dead leaves and ice cream (who doesn't?); he spontaneously vomits on a girl that he likes,
and then he tries to marry her zombiefied severed head. If the aforementioned details don't
lead you to the conclusion that Gnaghi is T.B.F.T.F.G.E.**, perhaps this nugget of
information will: he likes to eat spaghetti with bananas in it. Show me another token fat guy
who's that committed to actually being a token fat guy. I think it's safe to say that you can't.
**T.B.F.T.F.G.E. = The Best Fucking Token Fat Guy Ever.
Score: 5
| Behold: The Best Fucking Token Fat Guy Ever! |
Best Line: Unlike the average zombie film, Cemetery Man has a myriad of excellent lines to
choose from, ranging from philosophical nuggets like "We all do what we can not to think
about life" to hilarious comments such as "Mind your business, I shall be eaten by
whomever I please" (said by a girl being consumed by her zombie boyfriend). Ultimately, I
think the best line in the film belongs to Francesco, who utters "Life goes on" as the camera
pans over the graveyard that is giving rise to the living dead. While the line is a bit obvious, I
bestow 'best' status on it because it succinctly summarizes what perhaps every zombie
movie is about: the idea that one should get busy living, or get busy eating brains.
Score: 4
Intangibles: As you've perhaps gathered by now, Cemetery Man is more than the sum of its
parts. Somehow it manages to be philosophical, funny, entertaining and artful all at the
same time (perhaps not since the observational standup comedy of Kierkegaard has the
world seen such a successful combination of these qualities). Additionally, Cemetery Man
is relentlessly WEIRD (for an example of this, see the scene in which Francesco tries to
convince a doctor to cut off his penis with what appear to be garden shears). In a genre in
which the majority of the films try their best to cannibalize (pun intended) the innovations of
others and/or reinvent the zombie-wheel (which is shaped like a brain, FYI), the weirdness
of Cemetery Man is refreshing indeed.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: In general, the zombies in Cemetery Man are quite believable; as a
rule they're all animated from the recently deceased, so they're usually strong and
menacing looking. AND, they have the slack-jawed vacant stare that all zombies (and
Oprah fans) must have to be believed. I said 'in general' earlier because despite the
just-listed attributes, it must be noted that while most of the zombies in the film are
believable, one of them is, you know, a severed head that falls in love with a human. This
concept, in and of itself, isn't necessarily bad, it's just that it's pretty crappy-looking when
executed. I guess this is because no one in the film industry has yet figured out how to
present a believable-looking talking severed head on-screen. Instead, in this film and
others, people just use the same trick of burying an actor up to his/her neck and then
pretending that the head is just lying on the ground. Marvelous. You know, science has
promised us a lot of things that it has yet to deliver (including the flying car, believable virtual
reality, and a male enhancement pill that doesn't cause a 4-hour erection), and it's no
wonder--how can people get those things right when they can't even figure out how to
present a believable disembodied head in a movie? How?
Score: 3
choose from, ranging from philosophical nuggets like "We all do what we can not to think
about life" to hilarious comments such as "Mind your business, I shall be eaten by
whomever I please" (said by a girl being consumed by her zombie boyfriend). Ultimately, I
think the best line in the film belongs to Francesco, who utters "Life goes on" as the camera
pans over the graveyard that is giving rise to the living dead. While the line is a bit obvious, I
bestow 'best' status on it because it succinctly summarizes what perhaps every zombie
movie is about: the idea that one should get busy living, or get busy eating brains.
Score: 4
Intangibles: As you've perhaps gathered by now, Cemetery Man is more than the sum of its
parts. Somehow it manages to be philosophical, funny, entertaining and artful all at the
same time (perhaps not since the observational standup comedy of Kierkegaard has the
world seen such a successful combination of these qualities). Additionally, Cemetery Man
is relentlessly WEIRD (for an example of this, see the scene in which Francesco tries to
convince a doctor to cut off his penis with what appear to be garden shears). In a genre in
which the majority of the films try their best to cannibalize (pun intended) the innovations of
others and/or reinvent the zombie-wheel (which is shaped like a brain, FYI), the weirdness
of Cemetery Man is refreshing indeed.
Score: 5
Zombie Believability: In general, the zombies in Cemetery Man are quite believable; as a
rule they're all animated from the recently deceased, so they're usually strong and
menacing looking. AND, they have the slack-jawed vacant stare that all zombies (and
Oprah fans) must have to be believed. I said 'in general' earlier because despite the
just-listed attributes, it must be noted that while most of the zombies in the film are
believable, one of them is, you know, a severed head that falls in love with a human. This
concept, in and of itself, isn't necessarily bad, it's just that it's pretty crappy-looking when
executed. I guess this is because no one in the film industry has yet figured out how to
present a believable-looking talking severed head on-screen. Instead, in this film and
others, people just use the same trick of burying an actor up to his/her neck and then
pretending that the head is just lying on the ground. Marvelous. You know, science has
promised us a lot of things that it has yet to deliver (including the flying car, believable virtual
reality, and a male enhancement pill that doesn't cause a 4-hour erection), and it's no
wonder--how can people get those things right when they can't even figure out how to
present a believable disembodied head in a movie? How?
Score: 3
| Zombie E.T. strikes again (that's a zombie on the motorcycle, FYI). |
Zombie Attack Scenes: There are several attack scenes in Cemetery Man and they're
uniformly well-executed, which is, of course, a good thing. The only downside is that they
pretty much all take place in the graveyard or in the house that's in the graveyard. But, this
staleness of setting is at least compensated for by the fact that one of the attack scenes is
an "erotic seduction attack scene", which as far as I can tell is a singular occurrence in the
history of zombie cinema. This is pretty remarkable when you consider how fucked up
and/or creepily perverted many zombie movies are. I should also note that this "erotic
attack scene" doesn't turn into a zombie "orgy" scene, which is fortunate for the viewer,
considering Gnaghi's looks (or lack thereof). I'm rambling at this point, aren't I?
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There are no zombie "orgy" scenes in Cemetery Man, which is
interesting to me, considering that it's half-French. Who would have thought that the French
could make any type of movie without an orgy in it?
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The anti-zombie weapons employed in Cemetery Man include a
pistol, a spade, a...desk, and, um, a pot. Yeah. So, you know, just your average
zombie-killing implements. Nothing unusual to see here.
Score: 4
uniformly well-executed, which is, of course, a good thing. The only downside is that they
pretty much all take place in the graveyard or in the house that's in the graveyard. But, this
staleness of setting is at least compensated for by the fact that one of the attack scenes is
an "erotic seduction attack scene", which as far as I can tell is a singular occurrence in the
history of zombie cinema. This is pretty remarkable when you consider how fucked up
and/or creepily perverted many zombie movies are. I should also note that this "erotic
attack scene" doesn't turn into a zombie "orgy" scene, which is fortunate for the viewer,
considering Gnaghi's looks (or lack thereof). I'm rambling at this point, aren't I?
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: There are no zombie "orgy" scenes in Cemetery Man, which is
interesting to me, considering that it's half-French. Who would have thought that the French
could make any type of movie without an orgy in it?
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: The anti-zombie weapons employed in Cemetery Man include a
pistol, a spade, a...desk, and, um, a pot. Yeah. So, you know, just your average
zombie-killing implements. Nothing unusual to see here.
Score: 4
| When spade meets head, interesting things happen. |
Zombification Explanation: It's never officially explained in Cemetery Man why the dead are
returning to life. Rather, it's like people listening to The Eagles: it's just something
inexplicable that happens. Some might call this a cop-out, but given the choice between an
ambiguous source of zombification and explicit explication about the dead returning from
the grave, I'll take the former. I should also point out that in a film like Cemetery Man where
symbolism and metaphor are the rule and not the exception, the reasons behind the "why"
of zombies happening is probably incidental anyway.
Score: 4
Zombie Uniqueness: I think it goes without saying that the zombies in Cemetery Man are
quite unique. Some of them can talk, and it's always interesting to hear what people who
have returned from beyond the grave have to say (with the exception of Larry King). As if that
weren't enough, it should be pointed out that one of the zombies ends up as a flying head
that is quite reminiscent of the Medusa-heads from that game Castlevania, which is
something, I think it's safe to say, that none of us have seen in a zombie movie before.
Perhaps the most unique thing about the zombies in Cemetery Man is the fact that there
aren't any of them during the last 30-or-so minutes of the film. I can't figure out if it was
incredibly brave or incredibly lazy to leave zombies out of the final third of a zombie movie.
There's a fine line between being ballsy and being half-assed**, you know?
**Editor's Note: this is true literally and figuratively.
Score: 4
Zombie Consistency: As the zombies in this film are steeped in unique-itude (I just
explained that--weren't you paying attention?), it follows that they're not very consistent at all.
Some of them are your classic slobbering living dead drones, some of them can talk,
some of them are bad-ass punks who ride motorcycles, and some of them are
indistinguishable from humans save for the fact that their flesh is rotting (in this sense they
have a lot in common with Elizabeth Taylor). The lesson: uniqueness = inconsistency.
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: I'm tempted to say that the lady who keeps appearing as other ladies is
Cemetery Man's signature zombie, but the fact of the matter is that she only shows up as a
zombie 1.5 times (i.e., once as an actual zombie, and once as a normal human who is
killed after being mistaken for a zombie), so I don't know if she counts. The problem is, if
she's not the signature zombie, who is? I don't know. Should I go with the Boy Scout
zombies here? They're definitely memorable, but the problem is that they're not in the film
for very long. Hmmm, I'm conflicted here. Well, signature zombies or not, one thing's for
sure: the Boy Scout zombies in the film definitely failed to get their merit badges in
flesh-eating.
Score: 2
returning to life. Rather, it's like people listening to The Eagles: it's just something
inexplicable that happens. Some might call this a cop-out, but given the choice between an
ambiguous source of zombification and explicit explication about the dead returning from
the grave, I'll take the former. I should also point out that in a film like Cemetery Man where
symbolism and metaphor are the rule and not the exception, the reasons behind the "why"
of zombies happening is probably incidental anyway.
Score: 4
Zombie Uniqueness: I think it goes without saying that the zombies in Cemetery Man are
quite unique. Some of them can talk, and it's always interesting to hear what people who
have returned from beyond the grave have to say (with the exception of Larry King). As if that
weren't enough, it should be pointed out that one of the zombies ends up as a flying head
that is quite reminiscent of the Medusa-heads from that game Castlevania, which is
something, I think it's safe to say, that none of us have seen in a zombie movie before.
Perhaps the most unique thing about the zombies in Cemetery Man is the fact that there
aren't any of them during the last 30-or-so minutes of the film. I can't figure out if it was
incredibly brave or incredibly lazy to leave zombies out of the final third of a zombie movie.
There's a fine line between being ballsy and being half-assed**, you know?
**Editor's Note: this is true literally and figuratively.
Score: 4
Zombie Consistency: As the zombies in this film are steeped in unique-itude (I just
explained that--weren't you paying attention?), it follows that they're not very consistent at all.
Some of them are your classic slobbering living dead drones, some of them can talk,
some of them are bad-ass punks who ride motorcycles, and some of them are
indistinguishable from humans save for the fact that their flesh is rotting (in this sense they
have a lot in common with Elizabeth Taylor). The lesson: uniqueness = inconsistency.
Score: 1
Signature Zombie: I'm tempted to say that the lady who keeps appearing as other ladies is
Cemetery Man's signature zombie, but the fact of the matter is that she only shows up as a
zombie 1.5 times (i.e., once as an actual zombie, and once as a normal human who is
killed after being mistaken for a zombie), so I don't know if she counts. The problem is, if
she's not the signature zombie, who is? I don't know. Should I go with the Boy Scout
zombies here? They're definitely memorable, but the problem is that they're not in the film
for very long. Hmmm, I'm conflicted here. Well, signature zombies or not, one thing's for
sure: the Boy Scout zombies in the film definitely failed to get their merit badges in
flesh-eating.
Score: 2
| When good Scouts go bad. |
Total Points: 101
Verdict: Cemetery Man is a singularly unique zombie-viewing experience. While its score
of course justifies its ZombieTastic status, I must admit that I would be compelled to list it
as ZombieTastic even if its score was below 100, simply because it's so unique--part
art-film, part screwball zombie comedy, part severed-head romance, it's safe to say that the
living dead mold was broken with this one. By that I mean that they broke the mold used for
living dead movies, not that the mold itself was a zombie. That wouldn't make any sense.
Whatever. The point I'm making is that Cemetery Man operates on many different levels,
and after I watched it I found myself thinking about it constantly (1). This is saying something
when you consider the fact that usually when I finish watching a zombie movie, if I think
about it at all, I do so only to remember someone's head getting eaten. I'm weird like that.
What's more is that in discussing the film, there's a lot of action that I barely covered--chiefly
the fact that eventually Francesco starts eliminating humans as well as zombies, because
he's crazy, or he can't distinguish between the living and the undead, or both, or neither (2).
Ultimately, I think the best thing that I can say about Cemetery Man is that it can function
equally well as a straight zombie movie or as a surrealist art movie that makes larger
philosophical points (on that note, I'm tempted to call it The Third Policeman of zombie
movies, but I'm not pretentious enough to do that). Cemetery Man: the thinking man's
zombie movie. And also, as I said earlier, the New Coke of zombie movies. Yeah. Good
times.
Footnotes
(1) I was thinking about the film in a philosophical way, not in a perverted way. I just wanted
to state that for the record.
(2) This turn in the movie's plot brings to mind something that Kim Paffenroth notes in his
Gospel of the Living Dead while discussing the work of George Romero: "Zombie movies
imagine a scenario far worse than nuclear war or a cabal of vampires taking over the world:
they present us with a world in which humans and monsters become very hard to
distinguish, and therefore the moral rules that guide our dealings with other humans...are
discarded as irrelevant and unfeasible."
Next Time: Raiders of the Living Dead
Verdict: Cemetery Man is a singularly unique zombie-viewing experience. While its score
of course justifies its ZombieTastic status, I must admit that I would be compelled to list it
as ZombieTastic even if its score was below 100, simply because it's so unique--part
art-film, part screwball zombie comedy, part severed-head romance, it's safe to say that the
living dead mold was broken with this one. By that I mean that they broke the mold used for
living dead movies, not that the mold itself was a zombie. That wouldn't make any sense.
Whatever. The point I'm making is that Cemetery Man operates on many different levels,
and after I watched it I found myself thinking about it constantly (1). This is saying something
when you consider the fact that usually when I finish watching a zombie movie, if I think
about it at all, I do so only to remember someone's head getting eaten. I'm weird like that.
What's more is that in discussing the film, there's a lot of action that I barely covered--chiefly
the fact that eventually Francesco starts eliminating humans as well as zombies, because
he's crazy, or he can't distinguish between the living and the undead, or both, or neither (2).
Ultimately, I think the best thing that I can say about Cemetery Man is that it can function
equally well as a straight zombie movie or as a surrealist art movie that makes larger
philosophical points (on that note, I'm tempted to call it The Third Policeman of zombie
movies, but I'm not pretentious enough to do that). Cemetery Man: the thinking man's
zombie movie. And also, as I said earlier, the New Coke of zombie movies. Yeah. Good
times.
Footnotes
(1) I was thinking about the film in a philosophical way, not in a perverted way. I just wanted
to state that for the record.
(2) This turn in the movie's plot brings to mind something that Kim Paffenroth notes in his
Gospel of the Living Dead while discussing the work of George Romero: "Zombie movies
imagine a scenario far worse than nuclear war or a cabal of vampires taking over the world:
they present us with a world in which humans and monsters become very hard to
distinguish, and therefore the moral rules that guide our dealings with other humans...are
discarded as irrelevant and unfeasible."
Next Time: Raiders of the Living Dead
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