The ZombieTastic Review of:
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
Director: Bob Clark
Year of Release: 1972
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Anti-Hippie Manifesto
Also Known as: Revenge of the Living Dead, Things from the Dead,
Zombie Graveyard, Zreaks, L'Assedio dei morti viventi
Part of a series?: No, which is a shame, because they could have
named the sequel Zreaks 2: Electric Zreakaloo. Nobody would skip a movie with a title like
that.
The Scoring
Plot: Alan, a theater director who might just possibly be the most annoying theater director
of all time, decides to take his entire hippie theater troupe to an island near Miami that
contains a graveyard. The purpose of this trip? To perform a ritual to reanimate the dead.
Now, I didn't study drama in school (I was too busy sniffing glue and listening to Iron
Maiden), so I don't know…are midnight trips to remote graveyards to perform Satanic rituals
just part of the "theater ropes"? Is that an essential feature of the Stanislavski Method or
something? Is there some way that the members of a theater troupe can apply, directly to
their craft, the lessons learned from a graveyard at midnight? The whole set up just seems
a little, you know, stupid, but having never been in a play, it's not my place to judge.
Anyways, once in the graveyard, it's revealed that everyone in the theater troupe, hippie or
otherwise, hates Alan, and not just because he wears the ugliest pants this side of the PGA
Tour. Perhaps more importantly, after the character of Anya comments that "People create
their own demons...something's going to happen tonight", well, people really do create their
own demons, and something does happen. And by "something", I mean "a whole lot of
zombies start wailing on some hippie drama dorks."
Score: 3
Year of Release: 1972
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Anti-Hippie Manifesto
Also Known as: Revenge of the Living Dead, Things from the Dead,
Zombie Graveyard, Zreaks, L'Assedio dei morti viventi
Part of a series?: No, which is a shame, because they could have
named the sequel Zreaks 2: Electric Zreakaloo. Nobody would skip a movie with a title like
that.
The Scoring
Plot: Alan, a theater director who might just possibly be the most annoying theater director
of all time, decides to take his entire hippie theater troupe to an island near Miami that
contains a graveyard. The purpose of this trip? To perform a ritual to reanimate the dead.
Now, I didn't study drama in school (I was too busy sniffing glue and listening to Iron
Maiden), so I don't know…are midnight trips to remote graveyards to perform Satanic rituals
just part of the "theater ropes"? Is that an essential feature of the Stanislavski Method or
something? Is there some way that the members of a theater troupe can apply, directly to
their craft, the lessons learned from a graveyard at midnight? The whole set up just seems
a little, you know, stupid, but having never been in a play, it's not my place to judge.
Anyways, once in the graveyard, it's revealed that everyone in the theater troupe, hippie or
otherwise, hates Alan, and not just because he wears the ugliest pants this side of the PGA
Tour. Perhaps more importantly, after the character of Anya comments that "People create
their own demons...something's going to happen tonight", well, people really do create their
own demons, and something does happen. And by "something", I mean "a whole lot of
zombies start wailing on some hippie drama dorks."
Score: 3
| Having this many hippies in one place is not a good idea. |
Exposition: There is virtually no exposition in this film, and as an added bonus, a lot of the
film's initial set-up is revealed visually through the movie's opening credits. However, some
of this is a little confusing at first, and because it takes a little while for some of the events in
the film to unfold, it's only in hindsight that you realize that you just saw part of the setup. In
other words, the first-third or so of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a lot like
having sex for the first time: you're not sure what's happening, but you still enjoy it. And,
you're kind of sweaty. Alright, maybe not that last part.
Score: 4
Plausibility: Aside from the previously hinted-at implausibility of an entire hippie theater
troupe deciding to visit a graveyard for no real reason, there's also this huge credibility
problem: the graveyard is on an island which the troupe ventures to via boat. Seriously,
where would dirty hippies, let alone dirty drama hippies, get a boat? More importantly, how
would they be able to navigate it through eel-infested waters at night? Alright, I made up
that part about the waters being eel-infested just because I wanted to heighten the drama
of this paragraph, but the rest of the questions I've raised in this category are legitimate.
Score: 2
film's initial set-up is revealed visually through the movie's opening credits. However, some
of this is a little confusing at first, and because it takes a little while for some of the events in
the film to unfold, it's only in hindsight that you realize that you just saw part of the setup. In
other words, the first-third or so of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a lot like
having sex for the first time: you're not sure what's happening, but you still enjoy it. And,
you're kind of sweaty. Alright, maybe not that last part.
Score: 4
Plausibility: Aside from the previously hinted-at implausibility of an entire hippie theater
troupe deciding to visit a graveyard for no real reason, there's also this huge credibility
problem: the graveyard is on an island which the troupe ventures to via boat. Seriously,
where would dirty hippies, let alone dirty drama hippies, get a boat? More importantly, how
would they be able to navigate it through eel-infested waters at night? Alright, I made up
that part about the waters being eel-infested just because I wanted to heighten the drama
of this paragraph, but the rest of the questions I've raised in this category are legitimate.
Score: 2
| Seeing hippies from this vantage point is never a good thing. Actually, seeing hippies from any vantage point is never a good thing, but that's particularly true from this vantage point. Yeah. Vantage point. |
Production Value: There are more than a few problems with the general production value
of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, from the dramatic changes in lighting from
shot to shot, to the fluctuating sound levels, to the fact that the film itself features more white
noise than a sleep therapy machine.
That being said, there are some positive things to be noted with regard to the film's
production values. First, the clothes sported by most of the cast members are amazing in
their atrociousness. As this film was a low-budget independent feature, there's a chance
that the clothes worn by the actors were their actual clothes, which is exciting and confusing
all at the same time. All I'm saying is that if you can find a zombie film with a more absurd
wardrobe, I'd love to know about it. Second: the film's credits are printed in a pretty cool font,
and that's got to count for something, right? Third, ample credit must be given to Bob Clark
(the director) and Alan Ormsby (the aforementioned annoying theater director-character) for
writing the film's script, because it displays an absolute mastery of alliteration, to the point
that Stan Lee himself would vomit with jealousy if he ever read it. There are many, many
examples of alliteration from the film's dialogue (almost too many) that I could use to
illustrate my point; as such, I think I will go with my own personal favorite instance, which is:
"Man is a machine that manufactures manure." Glorious.
Score: 2
Special Effects: Being a low-budget affair, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
sports some quite cheap-looking blood, and that's pretty much it for effects, unless we
count Alan's facial hair. Let's not.
Score: 1
Makeup: The makeup sported in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things bears more
than a passing conceptual resemblance to the makeup sported by Tammy Faye: it's used
in great amounts, but with little competence. For example, apparently the makers of the film
decided that the best way to make an actor look like a corpse was to smear makeup onto
his/her face until s/he looks like The Joker. At one point in the film, one of the character's
comments that decomposition does strange things to bodies. This film proves that point
with a vengeance, as long as by "strange things", said character meant "makes it resemble
a member of Kiss."
Then again, it's quite possible that I'm totally full of shit here. After all, I considered one of
the corpses in the film to be incredibly fake looking, and yet while browsing through the
bonus materials on the Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things DVD, I discovered that
this corpse was highlighted throughout the film's promotional materials. It obviously
wouldn't have been highlighted in such a fashion unless people thought it looked cool,
right? The lesson: always disregard everything that I say. But you probably already knew
that, didn't you?
Score: 2
of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, from the dramatic changes in lighting from
shot to shot, to the fluctuating sound levels, to the fact that the film itself features more white
noise than a sleep therapy machine.
That being said, there are some positive things to be noted with regard to the film's
production values. First, the clothes sported by most of the cast members are amazing in
their atrociousness. As this film was a low-budget independent feature, there's a chance
that the clothes worn by the actors were their actual clothes, which is exciting and confusing
all at the same time. All I'm saying is that if you can find a zombie film with a more absurd
wardrobe, I'd love to know about it. Second: the film's credits are printed in a pretty cool font,
and that's got to count for something, right? Third, ample credit must be given to Bob Clark
(the director) and Alan Ormsby (the aforementioned annoying theater director-character) for
writing the film's script, because it displays an absolute mastery of alliteration, to the point
that Stan Lee himself would vomit with jealousy if he ever read it. There are many, many
examples of alliteration from the film's dialogue (almost too many) that I could use to
illustrate my point; as such, I think I will go with my own personal favorite instance, which is:
"Man is a machine that manufactures manure." Glorious.
Score: 2
Special Effects: Being a low-budget affair, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
sports some quite cheap-looking blood, and that's pretty much it for effects, unless we
count Alan's facial hair. Let's not.
Score: 1
Makeup: The makeup sported in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things bears more
than a passing conceptual resemblance to the makeup sported by Tammy Faye: it's used
in great amounts, but with little competence. For example, apparently the makers of the film
decided that the best way to make an actor look like a corpse was to smear makeup onto
his/her face until s/he looks like The Joker. At one point in the film, one of the character's
comments that decomposition does strange things to bodies. This film proves that point
with a vengeance, as long as by "strange things", said character meant "makes it resemble
a member of Kiss."
Then again, it's quite possible that I'm totally full of shit here. After all, I considered one of
the corpses in the film to be incredibly fake looking, and yet while browsing through the
bonus materials on the Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things DVD, I discovered that
this corpse was highlighted throughout the film's promotional materials. It obviously
wouldn't have been highlighted in such a fashion unless people thought it looked cool,
right? The lesson: always disregard everything that I say. But you probably already knew
that, didn't you?
Score: 2
| Paul goes out of focus in an effort to protest how fake this corpse looks. |
Scariness: The aforementioned "initial set-up" scenes are kind of scary, although now that I
think about them, they bear a striking resemblance to the Bark at the Moon music video,
and ironically, that video was scarier than anything in this film--and not just because of the
hairdo sported by Jake E. Lee.
Aside from that, let me go ahead and state the obvious: the fashion in this movie is easily
scarier than practically anything that I've ever seen in a zombie movie. I'm serious. Words
cannot express the revolting, nausea-inducing threads on display in this movie.
All of that being said, I will concede that Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things does
feature some genuine scares during the "zombie siege" scenes during the film's finale. It's
nothing you haven't seen before, but just like a re-run of Growing Pains, it's enjoyable (and
menacing) nonetheless.
Score: 3
think about them, they bear a striking resemblance to the Bark at the Moon music video,
and ironically, that video was scarier than anything in this film--and not just because of the
hairdo sported by Jake E. Lee.
Aside from that, let me go ahead and state the obvious: the fashion in this movie is easily
scarier than practically anything that I've ever seen in a zombie movie. I'm serious. Words
cannot express the revolting, nausea-inducing threads on display in this movie.
All of that being said, I will concede that Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things does
feature some genuine scares during the "zombie siege" scenes during the film's finale. It's
nothing you haven't seen before, but just like a re-run of Growing Pains, it's enjoyable (and
menacing) nonetheless.
Score: 3
| Am I the only person who is seriously creeped out by this picture? |
Goriness: Gore...you mean...besides the pants? Alright, I'll try to stop talking about the
clothing in this film, even though it's going to take supreme effort and concentration to do
so. As such, there really isn't much gore in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things to
discuss. I mean, a couple of people do get eaten by the living dead, but this eating takes
place off camera, and when we see the aftermath, it just looks like a person laying on the
ground covered in ketchup. Anyone who's ever been to an all-you-can-eat night at the
Ground Round knows that that's not very gory at all. As a matter of fact, the gore in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is non-existent to the point that I'm tempted to say that the
film was made by Bizarro Lucio Fulci. That's just crazy enough of an idea to be right, you
know?
Score: 1
Final Scene: A horde of zombies, after performing what many would consider to be an act of
public service, i.e. killing an entire hippie theater troupe, locate the troupe's boat, board it,
unmoor it, and then head for Miami, to either continue their flesh-munching mayhem or to
go to a party at Dwyane Wade's house. Either way, zombie mariners...that's pretty
menacing. The only thing more menacing would be zombie blimp pilots, for what I think are
obvious reasons.
Score: 4
clothing in this film, even though it's going to take supreme effort and concentration to do
so. As such, there really isn't much gore in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things to
discuss. I mean, a couple of people do get eaten by the living dead, but this eating takes
place off camera, and when we see the aftermath, it just looks like a person laying on the
ground covered in ketchup. Anyone who's ever been to an all-you-can-eat night at the
Ground Round knows that that's not very gory at all. As a matter of fact, the gore in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is non-existent to the point that I'm tempted to say that the
film was made by Bizarro Lucio Fulci. That's just crazy enough of an idea to be right, you
know?
Score: 1
Final Scene: A horde of zombies, after performing what many would consider to be an act of
public service, i.e. killing an entire hippie theater troupe, locate the troupe's boat, board it,
unmoor it, and then head for Miami, to either continue their flesh-munching mayhem or to
go to a party at Dwyane Wade's house. Either way, zombie mariners...that's pretty
menacing. The only thing more menacing would be zombie blimp pilots, for what I think are
obvious reasons.
Score: 4
| Or is it? Hmmm? |
Comedy: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is the type of movie wherein it's difficult
to tell when the intentional comedy ends and the unintentional comedy begins. That's not a
bad thing, however; rather, it comes from the fact that everyone involved with the film seems
to be trying to strike a balance between "having fun with it" and "taking seriously the fact that
the dead are coming to life and trying to eat you and your theater friends."
Additionally, there's the performance of Alan Ormsby as...Alan. I'll touch on this more later
in the Lead Actor category; for this category's purposes, let me just say that Alan Ormsby's
performance is either the height of unintentional overacting, or the height of ironic
overacting. Either way, it's pretty hilarious to watch, and not just because of the pants. Hey,
remember earlier when I said I wouldn't discuss the clothes in this film anymore? I LIED.
Score: 3
Originality: You want originality? Well, then, let me ask you this: aside from this movie, how
many island-based zombie movies are there? Oh, a shitload? Never mind, then.
But wait, let me ask you this instead: how many island-based zombie movies are there set
near Miami that also feature hippies, gay stereotypes, and goatees? Not very many, eh?
Score: 4
to tell when the intentional comedy ends and the unintentional comedy begins. That's not a
bad thing, however; rather, it comes from the fact that everyone involved with the film seems
to be trying to strike a balance between "having fun with it" and "taking seriously the fact that
the dead are coming to life and trying to eat you and your theater friends."
Additionally, there's the performance of Alan Ormsby as...Alan. I'll touch on this more later
in the Lead Actor category; for this category's purposes, let me just say that Alan Ormsby's
performance is either the height of unintentional overacting, or the height of ironic
overacting. Either way, it's pretty hilarious to watch, and not just because of the pants. Hey,
remember earlier when I said I wouldn't discuss the clothes in this film anymore? I LIED.
Score: 3
Originality: You want originality? Well, then, let me ask you this: aside from this movie, how
many island-based zombie movies are there? Oh, a shitload? Never mind, then.
But wait, let me ask you this instead: how many island-based zombie movies are there set
near Miami that also feature hippies, gay stereotypes, and goatees? Not very many, eh?
Score: 4
| Check me out, I’m a gay stereotype…with fangs! |
Rewatchability: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is certainly ripe for multiple
viewings, mainly because in addition to the fact that it's good, clean zombie entertainment,
it's also a primer on how not to run a theater troupe. I would go so far as to say that this film
should be required viewing for anyone who wants to direct plays.
But, ZombieTastic isn't just about reviewing zombie movies--it's also about helping people
help themselves. So, just in case a would-be director out there doesn't have time to watch
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things once, let alone multiple times, let me
summarize the main points of the film in this regard: if you want to be a successful theater
director, don't be an insufferable prick, don't visit remote islands, and don't raise the dead.
But mainly, don't be an insufferable prick.
Score: 3
Datedness: This review has hopefully made it quite evident by now that there are some
components of this film that are extremely dated. To emphasize this, let me say that the
movie is dated physically and culturally. By that I mean it features garish, technicolor
clothing (I'm sorry, I had to mention it here--it's relevant), and it features hippies. The only
things that signal that a movie is from the early 1970s more than those two elements is the
presence of Elliott Gould and/or a non-bloated Elizabeth Taylor. Yeah. Think about it.
Score: 1
viewings, mainly because in addition to the fact that it's good, clean zombie entertainment,
it's also a primer on how not to run a theater troupe. I would go so far as to say that this film
should be required viewing for anyone who wants to direct plays.
But, ZombieTastic isn't just about reviewing zombie movies--it's also about helping people
help themselves. So, just in case a would-be director out there doesn't have time to watch
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things once, let alone multiple times, let me
summarize the main points of the film in this regard: if you want to be a successful theater
director, don't be an insufferable prick, don't visit remote islands, and don't raise the dead.
But mainly, don't be an insufferable prick.
Score: 3
Datedness: This review has hopefully made it quite evident by now that there are some
components of this film that are extremely dated. To emphasize this, let me say that the
movie is dated physically and culturally. By that I mean it features garish, technicolor
clothing (I'm sorry, I had to mention it here--it's relevant), and it features hippies. The only
things that signal that a movie is from the early 1970s more than those two elements is the
presence of Elliott Gould and/or a non-bloated Elizabeth Taylor. Yeah. Think about it.
Score: 1
| Looking at this picture, one thing's for certain: this movie wasn't made during either Bush administration. |
Soundtrack: There's not much to say for this category, because there's hardly any music at
all in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things. There's some organ music, and then a
sort of noise collage for the zombie onslaught at the film's end, and that's really it. You'd
think with all the hippies running around in this movie, there would be some appropriately
acid-drenched tunes to go along with them. However, this being a low-budget affair, I'm
sure the producers couldn't afford to lease any Jefferson Airplane tunes. Hell, for that
matter, they probably couldn't even afford to lease any Jefferson Starship tunes. I think I'll
award them a bonus point for that.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: While there is no nudity in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things,
there are also no bras. Normally this would be a good thing, but in this case, it's a good and
bad thing. Why? Thanks for asking--I'll tell you: because in addition to hot girls not
wearing bras (good), there is also a big fat guy who's not wearing a bra (bad). That's what
we call "breaking even."
Score: 3
all in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things. There's some organ music, and then a
sort of noise collage for the zombie onslaught at the film's end, and that's really it. You'd
think with all the hippies running around in this movie, there would be some appropriately
acid-drenched tunes to go along with them. However, this being a low-budget affair, I'm
sure the producers couldn't afford to lease any Jefferson Airplane tunes. Hell, for that
matter, they probably couldn't even afford to lease any Jefferson Starship tunes. I think I'll
award them a bonus point for that.
Score: 2
Breast Factor/Nudity: While there is no nudity in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things,
there are also no bras. Normally this would be a good thing, but in this case, it's a good and
bad thing. Why? Thanks for asking--I'll tell you: because in addition to hot girls not
wearing bras (good), there is also a big fat guy who's not wearing a bra (bad). That's what
we call "breaking even."
Score: 3
| Alan Ormsby: a man with a goatee. |
Lead Actor: Alan Ormsby as...Alan. The score that I'm going to give in this category will
probably be controversial, but I think it's justified. As noted numerous times in this review,
the character (and/or the real life person--it's tough to say) of Alan is incredibly annoying, but
ultimately I think he's annoying in a good way. Let me put it like this: Alan Ormsby's
performance as either himself or someone who just so happens to share his name, facial
hair, and fondness for hideously garish pants (I'm sorry, I just can't stop mentioning them)
is akin to the act of eating Grape Nuts cereal--it's unpleasant while it's happening, but it's
remarkably satisfying in hindsight.
The issue is that while Alan Ormsby is clearly an amateur actor, he's been given the
unenviable task of (a) carrying this film, and more importantly (2) bringing to life what is, on
paper at least, a rather complex character. So, all things being said, Alan Ormsby actually
does a remarkable job in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things. Adding nuance to the
performance is the presence of what is, somehow, simultaneously the worst and the
greatest fake laugh ever captured on film.
Regardless of what you think of it, Alan Ormsby's performance just proves what Marlon
Brando was reputed to have said during the filming of Don Juan Demarco: even the
greatest of actors has a hard time pulling off a character who's a jerk and a pervert.
Score: 5
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: It's weird--for much of the film Anya kind of seems like she's
Alan's old lady, but you never can tell, because it's not like they make out or anything.
Ultimately that's probably a good thing for Alan, because Anya bears a disturbing
resemblance to that creepy girl from Bon Jovi's Runaway video. So, I don't know here--I
guess it makes sense if ultimately there are no sidekicks and/or love interests for the film's
lead actor, as no one in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things seems to like and/or
love Alan, not even his "bride" (also known as Orville the Zombie). Sad, but understandable.
Score: 1
probably be controversial, but I think it's justified. As noted numerous times in this review,
the character (and/or the real life person--it's tough to say) of Alan is incredibly annoying, but
ultimately I think he's annoying in a good way. Let me put it like this: Alan Ormsby's
performance as either himself or someone who just so happens to share his name, facial
hair, and fondness for hideously garish pants (I'm sorry, I just can't stop mentioning them)
is akin to the act of eating Grape Nuts cereal--it's unpleasant while it's happening, but it's
remarkably satisfying in hindsight.
The issue is that while Alan Ormsby is clearly an amateur actor, he's been given the
unenviable task of (a) carrying this film, and more importantly (2) bringing to life what is, on
paper at least, a rather complex character. So, all things being said, Alan Ormsby actually
does a remarkable job in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things. Adding nuance to the
performance is the presence of what is, somehow, simultaneously the worst and the
greatest fake laugh ever captured on film.
Regardless of what you think of it, Alan Ormsby's performance just proves what Marlon
Brando was reputed to have said during the filming of Don Juan Demarco: even the
greatest of actors has a hard time pulling off a character who's a jerk and a pervert.
Score: 5
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: It's weird--for much of the film Anya kind of seems like she's
Alan's old lady, but you never can tell, because it's not like they make out or anything.
Ultimately that's probably a good thing for Alan, because Anya bears a disturbing
resemblance to that creepy girl from Bon Jovi's Runaway video. So, I don't know here--I
guess it makes sense if ultimately there are no sidekicks and/or love interests for the film's
lead actor, as no one in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things seems to like and/or
love Alan, not even his "bride" (also known as Orville the Zombie). Sad, but understandable.
Score: 1
| Is the girl from Bon Jovi’s Runaway video the same girl who played Anya in this film? All signs point to ‘yes.’ |
Overall Cast: The entire cast is composed of amateurs, but, aside from the
previously-alluded-to obnoxious gay stereotypes, everyone does a nice job with their roles.
Wow. I wish I had something interesting to say here. Let's just move on, okay? Okay.
Score: 4
previously-alluded-to obnoxious gay stereotypes, everyone does a nice job with their roles.
Wow. I wish I had something interesting to say here. Let's just move on, okay? Okay.
Score: 4
| Where there really that many actors in this movie? It doesn't seem like it. |
Token Scientist: Everyone in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is either a theater
dork or a zombie. In other words, there is absolutely NO science ability on display in this
film.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: The token fat guy of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is the
character of Jeff, although I didn't realize this at first. Somehow, Jeff pulled a fat guy fakeout,
hiding himself and his fatness behind other characters during the opening parts of the film.
However, he soon enough makes his presence known with a vengeance, as he starts
uttering, "I peed my pants...I peed my pants." It's a point so nice, he makes it thrice.
Actually, he makes it more than that--he says it twice, then he says it twice again, then he
says it twice again, and then again. Not only is it gross, but it flies in the face of everything
we know about the accidental execratory habits of token fat guys, either in real life (where
they're prone to defecate in their own pants), or in zombie movies (where they're prone to
vomit on themselves and/or others). Way to confuse us and gross us out, token fat guy.
Score: 3
Best Line: Picking the best line from Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things really is a
hard thing to do. In addition to the alliterative magic on display in the film, there are
numerous other dialogical gems, including "I'd whistle past the graveyard but my lips are
afraid to be separated," uttered by Jeff, and Alan's mention of "theatrical puberty." (What is
it? Is it puberty in the theatrical sense, i.e. inexperience under the proscenium, is it an actor
who doesn't have any pubic hair, or is it something else entirely? Who knows?) Ultimately
I'll go with this other line from Alan: "The magnitude of your simplitude overwhelms me."
Not only is it a spiffy bitchslap, but it's got rhyming words in it. Awesome!
Score: 4
Intangibles: You might gather from many of the things written thus far in this review that I
think that Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a bad movie, but that's not the case.
I consider it to be a quite enjoyable zombie movie, and I think it works despite the film
featuring numerous (what some might say is a disturbing amount of) references to Boy
Scouts, hippies who don't seem to know that they're hippies, beyond ridiculous gay
stereotype characters, way too much downtime before the zombie carnage begins, a
zombie/human wedding scene that is neither erotic nor romantic nor disturbing, and
characters who are, in most cases, named after the actors that are portraying them.
Additionally, the film maddeningly never adequately answers the question: why do this
movie's characters continue to work for Alan? Is he the only theater director in Miami?
What gives? Still, like I say, despite all of that, the flick is enjoyable.
Now, why is this? In addition to the answer that the film is simply a competently made
zombie movie, ultimately, taken as a whole, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
works, and is in fact almost a masterpiece, because at its core, it is an accurate, symbolic
presentation of the trials and tribulations faced by drama dorks in high school throughout
America. Allow me to elaborate on this. The island that the troupe is on is equivalent to
how high school drama dorks are typically marooned on islands of unpopularity. Many of
the drama dorks don't want to be unpopular, just as many members of the theater troupe
don't want to be on the island, but failing to find any alternate course of action, they stay in
their rut. Then, the zombies (i.e., the jocks) show up and destroy the theater troupe, just like
jocks mercilessly taunt drama dorks. Then, the zombies steal the theater troupe's boat,
and this is like how sometimes jocks will participate in theater because they have to (like
for example when the Alpha Betas participate in the talent show in that documentary,
Revenge of the Nerds). Case closed. I should, at this juncture, point out that whether or
not this whole "metaphor for drama dorks in high school" thing was what the film's creators
intended is irrelevant--it's plainly there for all to see. At least, that's what I'm telling myself in
order to justify the amount of time I wasted developing this theory.
Score: 5
dork or a zombie. In other words, there is absolutely NO science ability on display in this
film.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: The token fat guy of Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is the
character of Jeff, although I didn't realize this at first. Somehow, Jeff pulled a fat guy fakeout,
hiding himself and his fatness behind other characters during the opening parts of the film.
However, he soon enough makes his presence known with a vengeance, as he starts
uttering, "I peed my pants...I peed my pants." It's a point so nice, he makes it thrice.
Actually, he makes it more than that--he says it twice, then he says it twice again, then he
says it twice again, and then again. Not only is it gross, but it flies in the face of everything
we know about the accidental execratory habits of token fat guys, either in real life (where
they're prone to defecate in their own pants), or in zombie movies (where they're prone to
vomit on themselves and/or others). Way to confuse us and gross us out, token fat guy.
Score: 3
Best Line: Picking the best line from Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things really is a
hard thing to do. In addition to the alliterative magic on display in the film, there are
numerous other dialogical gems, including "I'd whistle past the graveyard but my lips are
afraid to be separated," uttered by Jeff, and Alan's mention of "theatrical puberty." (What is
it? Is it puberty in the theatrical sense, i.e. inexperience under the proscenium, is it an actor
who doesn't have any pubic hair, or is it something else entirely? Who knows?) Ultimately
I'll go with this other line from Alan: "The magnitude of your simplitude overwhelms me."
Not only is it a spiffy bitchslap, but it's got rhyming words in it. Awesome!
Score: 4
Intangibles: You might gather from many of the things written thus far in this review that I
think that Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a bad movie, but that's not the case.
I consider it to be a quite enjoyable zombie movie, and I think it works despite the film
featuring numerous (what some might say is a disturbing amount of) references to Boy
Scouts, hippies who don't seem to know that they're hippies, beyond ridiculous gay
stereotype characters, way too much downtime before the zombie carnage begins, a
zombie/human wedding scene that is neither erotic nor romantic nor disturbing, and
characters who are, in most cases, named after the actors that are portraying them.
Additionally, the film maddeningly never adequately answers the question: why do this
movie's characters continue to work for Alan? Is he the only theater director in Miami?
What gives? Still, like I say, despite all of that, the flick is enjoyable.
Now, why is this? In addition to the answer that the film is simply a competently made
zombie movie, ultimately, taken as a whole, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
works, and is in fact almost a masterpiece, because at its core, it is an accurate, symbolic
presentation of the trials and tribulations faced by drama dorks in high school throughout
America. Allow me to elaborate on this. The island that the troupe is on is equivalent to
how high school drama dorks are typically marooned on islands of unpopularity. Many of
the drama dorks don't want to be unpopular, just as many members of the theater troupe
don't want to be on the island, but failing to find any alternate course of action, they stay in
their rut. Then, the zombies (i.e., the jocks) show up and destroy the theater troupe, just like
jocks mercilessly taunt drama dorks. Then, the zombies steal the theater troupe's boat,
and this is like how sometimes jocks will participate in theater because they have to (like
for example when the Alpha Betas participate in the talent show in that documentary,
Revenge of the Nerds). Case closed. I should, at this juncture, point out that whether or
not this whole "metaphor for drama dorks in high school" thing was what the film's creators
intended is irrelevant--it's plainly there for all to see. At least, that's what I'm telling myself in
order to justify the amount of time I wasted developing this theory.
Score: 5
| The Caretaker and Orville the Zombie: the original odd couple! |
Zombie Believability: On a physical level, the zombies in this film are relatively
unbelievable, due to the makeup problems discussed earlier. It's hard to suspend your
disbelief when a "zombie" that you're looking at bears more of a resemblance to a survivor
of an explosion at a Lancome factory than it does to a reanimated corpse. However, on a
behavioral level, the zombies in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are quite
believable, because they hate hippies. Who can't relate to that?
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things takes its sweet time
getting to the actual zombie onslaught, and thus there's really only one zombie attack scene
in the movie, because once the zombies start showing up, things develop into a zombie
"orgy" quite quickly. The one zombie attack scene, though, is a good one--it involves the
killing of the gay stereotypes in a graveyard, and it's nice because it features zombie
teamwork, which is always heartwarming. The point is, while having only one zombie
attack scene would normally warrant a low score in this category, I'm going to be a little
more generous, because said scene is well-done and it eliminates annoying, offensive
characters. There's something to be said for getting that much mileage out of just one
attack. I love efficient zombies.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: As I just mentioned (were you even paying attention?), the one
zombie attack scene in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things quickly evolves into the
film's sole zombie "orgy" scene--starting in the woods, the orgy scene eventually becomes
a siege of the house that the hippies are staying in. There's really nothing here that you
haven't seen in any number of other zombie movies, but that's not necessarily a negative.
It's like watching Vince Carter pull off a crazy-ass dunk--just because he's done it a million
times, that doesn't mean it's boring. It would be pretty cool if zombies could play basketball,
wouldn't it? You know it! Where was I? Oh yeah, the zombie "orgy" scene: one thing that
this film's orgy sequence does feature is the zombies executing a flawless fake-out
maneuver. After attacking the house for a bit, the zombies seem to retreat; when them darn
theater hippies emerge from the house to investigate, they are subsequently attacked even
more ferociously than before. It's a "Fooled you!" moment worthy of Dark Helmet himself.
So, not only are the zombies in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things efficient, but
they're also strategic. Good for them.
Score: 5
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There isn't much anti-zombie weaponry employed in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, owing largely to the fact that everyone in the movie
seems to buy into the notion, stated by one of the characters, that "You can't scare off
demons with a shotgun."** No, but you can usually, you know, kill them with one.
Accordingly, the only things used to combat zombies in the movie are an axe, a hammer, a
crowbar, and some magic. One of these things is not available at Home Depot. Can you
guess which one?
**Note: I think it was Anya who said this, but I didn't make a note of it when I watched the
movie, and I'm too lazy to go back and figure it out. Let's just say it was either Anya who
said it, or Abraham Lincoln. Either way, you can trust the source.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: In a refreshing change of pace from most zombie movies, the
dead become the undead in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things due to the casting
of a spell. This is done by Alan, who unleashes the zombie hordes by utilizing a spell from
a grimoire that is apparently a real grimoire. Let this be a lesson to all of us: leave the
casting of spells to trained professionals and/or Ian McKellan.
Score: 4
Zombie Uniqueness: In addition to being efficient and strategic, the zombies in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are unique in a variety of other ways. For one thing,
they're extremely tardy. The fact is that they don't start stirring until the film's 55-minute
mark. Honestly, there hasn't been a 'coming out' this protracted since Rob Halford finally
admitted that he was gay after about 25 years of gaying it up in the public eye. Secondly,
during a scene in which zombies surround the characters of Alan and Anya, Alan shoves
Anya into their grasp so as to free up room for himself to escape; as he does this, the
zombies look genuinely shocked that Alan just betrayed his girlfriend and sealed her fate.
So, while they're murderous, flesh-hungry deadites, they at least seem to have some sense
of chivalry. Additionally, no victim of a zombie in this film returns as a zombie him or herself.
I can't tell if this was an intentional choice made by the film's creators, or just plain
laziness. Either way I'm thankful for it, because the only thing worse than a hippy is a
zombie hippy.
Score: 4
unbelievable, due to the makeup problems discussed earlier. It's hard to suspend your
disbelief when a "zombie" that you're looking at bears more of a resemblance to a survivor
of an explosion at a Lancome factory than it does to a reanimated corpse. However, on a
behavioral level, the zombies in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are quite
believable, because they hate hippies. Who can't relate to that?
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things takes its sweet time
getting to the actual zombie onslaught, and thus there's really only one zombie attack scene
in the movie, because once the zombies start showing up, things develop into a zombie
"orgy" quite quickly. The one zombie attack scene, though, is a good one--it involves the
killing of the gay stereotypes in a graveyard, and it's nice because it features zombie
teamwork, which is always heartwarming. The point is, while having only one zombie
attack scene would normally warrant a low score in this category, I'm going to be a little
more generous, because said scene is well-done and it eliminates annoying, offensive
characters. There's something to be said for getting that much mileage out of just one
attack. I love efficient zombies.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: As I just mentioned (were you even paying attention?), the one
zombie attack scene in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things quickly evolves into the
film's sole zombie "orgy" scene--starting in the woods, the orgy scene eventually becomes
a siege of the house that the hippies are staying in. There's really nothing here that you
haven't seen in any number of other zombie movies, but that's not necessarily a negative.
It's like watching Vince Carter pull off a crazy-ass dunk--just because he's done it a million
times, that doesn't mean it's boring. It would be pretty cool if zombies could play basketball,
wouldn't it? You know it! Where was I? Oh yeah, the zombie "orgy" scene: one thing that
this film's orgy sequence does feature is the zombies executing a flawless fake-out
maneuver. After attacking the house for a bit, the zombies seem to retreat; when them darn
theater hippies emerge from the house to investigate, they are subsequently attacked even
more ferociously than before. It's a "Fooled you!" moment worthy of Dark Helmet himself.
So, not only are the zombies in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things efficient, but
they're also strategic. Good for them.
Score: 5
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There isn't much anti-zombie weaponry employed in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, owing largely to the fact that everyone in the movie
seems to buy into the notion, stated by one of the characters, that "You can't scare off
demons with a shotgun."** No, but you can usually, you know, kill them with one.
Accordingly, the only things used to combat zombies in the movie are an axe, a hammer, a
crowbar, and some magic. One of these things is not available at Home Depot. Can you
guess which one?
**Note: I think it was Anya who said this, but I didn't make a note of it when I watched the
movie, and I'm too lazy to go back and figure it out. Let's just say it was either Anya who
said it, or Abraham Lincoln. Either way, you can trust the source.
Score: 2
Zombification Explanation: In a refreshing change of pace from most zombie movies, the
dead become the undead in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things due to the casting
of a spell. This is done by Alan, who unleashes the zombie hordes by utilizing a spell from
a grimoire that is apparently a real grimoire. Let this be a lesson to all of us: leave the
casting of spells to trained professionals and/or Ian McKellan.
Score: 4
Zombie Uniqueness: In addition to being efficient and strategic, the zombies in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are unique in a variety of other ways. For one thing,
they're extremely tardy. The fact is that they don't start stirring until the film's 55-minute
mark. Honestly, there hasn't been a 'coming out' this protracted since Rob Halford finally
admitted that he was gay after about 25 years of gaying it up in the public eye. Secondly,
during a scene in which zombies surround the characters of Alan and Anya, Alan shoves
Anya into their grasp so as to free up room for himself to escape; as he does this, the
zombies look genuinely shocked that Alan just betrayed his girlfriend and sealed her fate.
So, while they're murderous, flesh-hungry deadites, they at least seem to have some sense
of chivalry. Additionally, no victim of a zombie in this film returns as a zombie him or herself.
I can't tell if this was an intentional choice made by the film's creators, or just plain
laziness. Either way I'm thankful for it, because the only thing worse than a hippy is a
zombie hippy.
Score: 4
| Zombies, seriously confused by Alan’s giving away of Anya. |
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are all
over the place, literally and figuratively. In terms of their appearance, some of the zombies
are totally decomposed, some are Dawn of the Dead blue, some are "ghouls", one looks a
lot like Peter Boyle, and another looks like one of the dudes from that band Behemoth.
Behaviorally they're quite inconsistent as well--they stumble around quite a bit and
generally seem befuddled much of them time, yet they also seem capable of abstract
thought, as evidenced by the aforesaid Dark Helmet-esque fake-out, and the fact that during
the siege of the hippy house, some of them actively search out and use windows and doors
to gain access to the tasty humans within. The bottom line: the zombies in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are about as consistent as Alberto Gonzales' testimony
before Congress; that is to say, they're not consistent at all.
Score: 2
over the place, literally and figuratively. In terms of their appearance, some of the zombies
are totally decomposed, some are Dawn of the Dead blue, some are "ghouls", one looks a
lot like Peter Boyle, and another looks like one of the dudes from that band Behemoth.
Behaviorally they're quite inconsistent as well--they stumble around quite a bit and
generally seem befuddled much of them time, yet they also seem capable of abstract
thought, as evidenced by the aforesaid Dark Helmet-esque fake-out, and the fact that during
the siege of the hippy house, some of them actively search out and use windows and doors
to gain access to the tasty humans within. The bottom line: the zombies in Children
Shouldn't Play with Dead Things are about as consistent as Alberto Gonzales' testimony
before Congress; that is to say, they're not consistent at all.
Score: 2
| Zombies, or Peter Boyle and one of the dudes from Behemoth? You tell me. |
Signature Zombie: The signature zombie in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is
Orville Dunworth, who is relatively unique in zombie cinema in the sense that he's a zombie
who's full name we learn (the undead usually don't wear name tags).
Orville boldly precedes Day of the Dead's Bub by being a zombie that the audience actually
roots for--as he is humiliated throughout the movie by Alan, it is with great pleasure that we
watch Orville destroy Alan during the film's grim finale.
Kudos should be given to Seth Sklarey, the man who portrayed Orville, as he does an
excellent job of bringing humanity to a zombie whilst also remaining perfectly still for most
of the movie. It's a tour de force of non-acting acting. Bafflingly, after Children Shouldn't
Play with Dead Things, Seth Sklarey had an uncredited role in Porky's II: The Next Day,
and then never appeared in another movie. It's a real shame, because he could have
made a go of it in horror movies by billing himself as Scary Seth Sklarey. Or, he could have
changed the spelling of his name to Sclarey, and then said something like "You can't spell
Seth Sclarey without 'scary'." What horror-film producer wouldn't have hired him?
Score: 5
Orville Dunworth, who is relatively unique in zombie cinema in the sense that he's a zombie
who's full name we learn (the undead usually don't wear name tags).
Orville boldly precedes Day of the Dead's Bub by being a zombie that the audience actually
roots for--as he is humiliated throughout the movie by Alan, it is with great pleasure that we
watch Orville destroy Alan during the film's grim finale.
Kudos should be given to Seth Sklarey, the man who portrayed Orville, as he does an
excellent job of bringing humanity to a zombie whilst also remaining perfectly still for most
of the movie. It's a tour de force of non-acting acting. Bafflingly, after Children Shouldn't
Play with Dead Things, Seth Sklarey had an uncredited role in Porky's II: The Next Day,
and then never appeared in another movie. It's a real shame, because he could have
made a go of it in horror movies by billing himself as Scary Seth Sklarey. Or, he could have
changed the spelling of his name to Sclarey, and then said something like "You can't spell
Seth Sclarey without 'scary'." What horror-film producer wouldn't have hired him?
Score: 5
| That is some magnificent non-acting acting. |
Total Points: 89
Verdict: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a textbook example of a "flawed, but
worth your time if you like zombie movies" kind of flick. Well, not literally, because they don't
make textbooks concerning such things (except, maybe, in my mind). The point is that
while the film is slow-moving and semi-amateurish and overrun with hippies, it's also
competently executed and filled with enough zombie mayhem to be worth your while. Oh,
and it's got awesome pants. Did I mention the pants in this movie? I should have. There
are some crazy pants in this movie! So, to sum up: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead
Things = zombies + pants + hippies. That's an equation we can all live with, I think.
Next Time: Land of the Dead
Verdict: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a textbook example of a "flawed, but
worth your time if you like zombie movies" kind of flick. Well, not literally, because they don't
make textbooks concerning such things (except, maybe, in my mind). The point is that
while the film is slow-moving and semi-amateurish and overrun with hippies, it's also
competently executed and filled with enough zombie mayhem to be worth your while. Oh,
and it's got awesome pants. Did I mention the pants in this movie? I should have. There
are some crazy pants in this movie! So, to sum up: Children Shouldn't Play with Dead
Things = zombies + pants + hippies. That's an equation we can all live with, I think.
Next Time: Land of the Dead
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