The ZombieTastic Review of:
FleshEater
FleshEater
Director: S. William Hinzman
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Shameless Zombie Notoriety Cash-In
Also Known as: Zombie Nosh (It's too bad the film isn't as good as
this alternate title--I mean, Zombie Nosh? That's pretty much the
greatest title for a zombie film that I've ever heard.)
Part of a series?: No, which is something we should all be grateful for.
The Scoring
Plot: I'd love to tell you about the plot of FleshEater, but alas, the film doesn't seem to
actually have one. Essentially what happens in this movie is that some redneck
accidentally discovers a gravestone bearing the utterly ridiculous inscription of "...this evil
which will take flesh and blood from thee and turn all ye unto evil..."; naturally, he stops what
he's doing and opens up the grave, and thereby unleashes a random zombie who was
apparently laying there for who knows how long, waiting for someone to let him out. This
zombie is none other than FleshEater's "director", one Bill Hinzman, better known as the
original graveyard zombie from Night of the Living Dead; apparently, Mr. Hinzman felt that
his 8-or-so seconds of previous screen-time as a zombie qualified him to make his own
zombie movie. Is it just me, or does this make about as much sense as letting the kid at
the local gas station drive in the Daytona 500 because he knows how to pump gas?
Regardless, once set free, the Hinzman-zombie proceeds to zombify other a bunch of
drunks and rednecks while also zombiefying and groping a few ladies along the way, and
these drunk/redneck/groped zombies then cut a boring swath of rather tame destruction
across the bland countryside. So, the action in this film is centered around having some
zombie-type things happen so that a certain infamous zombie-type person can cash-in on
his fleeting zombie-type name/face recognition. Not only is that lame, but it's essentially the
same principle (minus the zombie thing, of course) that motivated the green-lighting of that
Rob Schneider movie The Animal. That's just sad, when you think about it.
Score: 1
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: USA
Type of Zombie Film: Shameless Zombie Notoriety Cash-In
Also Known as: Zombie Nosh (It's too bad the film isn't as good as
this alternate title--I mean, Zombie Nosh? That's pretty much the
greatest title for a zombie film that I've ever heard.)
Part of a series?: No, which is something we should all be grateful for.
The Scoring
Plot: I'd love to tell you about the plot of FleshEater, but alas, the film doesn't seem to
actually have one. Essentially what happens in this movie is that some redneck
accidentally discovers a gravestone bearing the utterly ridiculous inscription of "...this evil
which will take flesh and blood from thee and turn all ye unto evil..."; naturally, he stops what
he's doing and opens up the grave, and thereby unleashes a random zombie who was
apparently laying there for who knows how long, waiting for someone to let him out. This
zombie is none other than FleshEater's "director", one Bill Hinzman, better known as the
original graveyard zombie from Night of the Living Dead; apparently, Mr. Hinzman felt that
his 8-or-so seconds of previous screen-time as a zombie qualified him to make his own
zombie movie. Is it just me, or does this make about as much sense as letting the kid at
the local gas station drive in the Daytona 500 because he knows how to pump gas?
Regardless, once set free, the Hinzman-zombie proceeds to zombify other a bunch of
drunks and rednecks while also zombiefying and groping a few ladies along the way, and
these drunk/redneck/groped zombies then cut a boring swath of rather tame destruction
across the bland countryside. So, the action in this film is centered around having some
zombie-type things happen so that a certain infamous zombie-type person can cash-in on
his fleeting zombie-type name/face recognition. Not only is that lame, but it's essentially the
same principle (minus the zombie thing, of course) that motivated the green-lighting of that
Rob Schneider movie The Animal. That's just sad, when you think about it.
Score: 1
| As the film begins, this animated head vomits out the title. That's what we call "subtle foreshadowing." |
Exposition: As FleshEater doesn't have a plot, there's virtually no exposition whatsoever in
the film. The only thing even approximating exposition is a scene early in the film in which
some of the characters discuss some bullshit about some people who went missing or
something; however, this discussion can't really count as exposition, because it's like the
music of Jethro Tull: it makes no sense, and more importantly, it's totally irrelevant to
anything going on around it.
Score: 5
Plausibility: I suppose there's not a whole lot in FleshEater that seems implausible, other
than the facts that it features (a) people who would take a hayride by choice, and (b)
firefighters that go to great lengths to burn down a barn that is supposedly infested with
zombies, and yet, after the burning down takes place, not one of them bothers to actually
investigate the charred ruins; no, it takes a lone cop several hours after the barn burns to do
that. Ultimately, what really threatens to shatter the plause-o-meter in FleshEater are the
zombies themselves, specifically the absolutely laughable notion that anyone watching this
movie can tell the difference between the zombies and the mentally defective hillbillies that
are matching "wits" with them. I mean, if everyone moves really slowly and looks hideously
ugly and is completely pale and mumbles all of their dialogue, is there really a difference
between the living and the living dead? What I'm really asking is this: how are we, the
audience, while watching FleshEater, supposed to distinguish between the undead and
the untalented? I have no clue.
Score: 2
Production Value: On the whole, I would say that FleshEater probably cost around $100 to
make, with the bulk of that going to barn and tractor rental fees. The film quality is dirty and
grainy, the costume designer clearly instructed the "actors" to bring their own threads to the
set (with an emphasis on acid-washed denim), there's virtually no makeup used to
differentiate the living dead and the living living (more on this later), ALL of the dialogue in
the film was obviously (and distractingly) re-recorded in post-production, the film's
soundtrack relies heavily on one song that's looped seemingly endlessly throughout the
movie (also more on this, also later), and the editing is absolutely atrocious--the film
features multiple abrupt cuts to blackness between scenes, because I guess it costs too
much money to artfully transition between scenes. In short, FleshEater is perhaps the
laziest film made in the 1980's. Considering that that decade saw the release of Garbage
Pail Kids and Masters of the Universe, that's saying quite a lot.
Score: 1
the film. The only thing even approximating exposition is a scene early in the film in which
some of the characters discuss some bullshit about some people who went missing or
something; however, this discussion can't really count as exposition, because it's like the
music of Jethro Tull: it makes no sense, and more importantly, it's totally irrelevant to
anything going on around it.
Score: 5
Plausibility: I suppose there's not a whole lot in FleshEater that seems implausible, other
than the facts that it features (a) people who would take a hayride by choice, and (b)
firefighters that go to great lengths to burn down a barn that is supposedly infested with
zombies, and yet, after the burning down takes place, not one of them bothers to actually
investigate the charred ruins; no, it takes a lone cop several hours after the barn burns to do
that. Ultimately, what really threatens to shatter the plause-o-meter in FleshEater are the
zombies themselves, specifically the absolutely laughable notion that anyone watching this
movie can tell the difference between the zombies and the mentally defective hillbillies that
are matching "wits" with them. I mean, if everyone moves really slowly and looks hideously
ugly and is completely pale and mumbles all of their dialogue, is there really a difference
between the living and the living dead? What I'm really asking is this: how are we, the
audience, while watching FleshEater, supposed to distinguish between the undead and
the untalented? I have no clue.
Score: 2
Production Value: On the whole, I would say that FleshEater probably cost around $100 to
make, with the bulk of that going to barn and tractor rental fees. The film quality is dirty and
grainy, the costume designer clearly instructed the "actors" to bring their own threads to the
set (with an emphasis on acid-washed denim), there's virtually no makeup used to
differentiate the living dead and the living living (more on this later), ALL of the dialogue in
the film was obviously (and distractingly) re-recorded in post-production, the film's
soundtrack relies heavily on one song that's looped seemingly endlessly throughout the
movie (also more on this, also later), and the editing is absolutely atrocious--the film
features multiple abrupt cuts to blackness between scenes, because I guess it costs too
much money to artfully transition between scenes. In short, FleshEater is perhaps the
laziest film made in the 1980's. Considering that that decade saw the release of Garbage
Pail Kids and Masters of the Universe, that's saying quite a lot.
Score: 1
| Hey dork, 1988 called, it wants its jacket back. ZING! |
Special Effects: The credits of this film state that two people are responsible for its "Special
Make-Up Effects." I have no idea what Special Make-Up Effects are, all I know is that
FleshEater features fewer special (make-up or otherwise) effects than an episode of Law &
Order (with or without Sam Waterston). Not only that, but the few effects that are on display
are as low-rent as public housing. These effects essentially consist of multiple zombie
bites to the neck (an "effect" that conveniently is never actually shown, either due to the
placement of the camera, or to "clever" cuts away from the action to shots of fucking trees),
an obvious mannequin getting shot in the head, and the aforementioned barn burning
down. Congratulations, FleshEater: in a film genre that features some absolutely putrid
instances of "special effects" (Zombie Holocaust, anyone?), you've managed to lower the
bar even further. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Score: 1
Makeup: As baffled as I am by the notion of "Special Make-Up Effects", I'm even more
baffled by its relation to the makeup itself. I'm also baffled by that sentence I just wrote. All
I'm trying to say is that there really isn't any makeup utilized in FleshEater; rather, all of the
zombies seem to have trace amounts of white makeup on their faces, and this supposedly
distinguishes them from the humans in this film because it makes them marginally paler.
Awesome. I'm glad that this film wasn't set in an albino village or in Siberia--otherwise, I
wouldn't have had any idea who the zombies were at all. It's the little things we should be
thankful for.
Score: 1
Make-Up Effects." I have no idea what Special Make-Up Effects are, all I know is that
FleshEater features fewer special (make-up or otherwise) effects than an episode of Law &
Order (with or without Sam Waterston). Not only that, but the few effects that are on display
are as low-rent as public housing. These effects essentially consist of multiple zombie
bites to the neck (an "effect" that conveniently is never actually shown, either due to the
placement of the camera, or to "clever" cuts away from the action to shots of fucking trees),
an obvious mannequin getting shot in the head, and the aforementioned barn burning
down. Congratulations, FleshEater: in a film genre that features some absolutely putrid
instances of "special effects" (Zombie Holocaust, anyone?), you've managed to lower the
bar even further. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Score: 1
Makeup: As baffled as I am by the notion of "Special Make-Up Effects", I'm even more
baffled by its relation to the makeup itself. I'm also baffled by that sentence I just wrote. All
I'm trying to say is that there really isn't any makeup utilized in FleshEater; rather, all of the
zombies seem to have trace amounts of white makeup on their faces, and this supposedly
distinguishes them from the humans in this film because it makes them marginally paler.
Awesome. I'm glad that this film wasn't set in an albino village or in Siberia--otherwise, I
wouldn't have had any idea who the zombies were at all. It's the little things we should be
thankful for.
Score: 1
| If I could ask a practical question at this point: who in this shot is the zombie, and who is the pale woodsman? |
Scariness: FleshEater really delivers in the scares department, at least with regard to the
obscene amount of acid washed jeans and jean jackets worn in the film. Honestly, it's
quite scary to think that there was a time in our nation's history when denim was so
popular. What do you think it was that shifted us away from all-jean outfits? Did grunge do
have a hand in that? Were the Pet Shop Boys responsible? I'd like to know.
Anyways, aside from this disturbing denim device, there aren't really any scares to be had in
FleshEater. As a matter of fact, there's far more discussion amongst the film's characters
of being scared than there are actual scares. That's what we call ironicality. I'd love to say
something witty and/or funny about this, but I'm too depressed just thinking about this
movie to say anything marginally interesting right now. Let's just move on.
Score: 1
obscene amount of acid washed jeans and jean jackets worn in the film. Honestly, it's
quite scary to think that there was a time in our nation's history when denim was so
popular. What do you think it was that shifted us away from all-jean outfits? Did grunge do
have a hand in that? Were the Pet Shop Boys responsible? I'd like to know.
Anyways, aside from this disturbing denim device, there aren't really any scares to be had in
FleshEater. As a matter of fact, there's far more discussion amongst the film's characters
of being scared than there are actual scares. That's what we call ironicality. I'd love to say
something witty and/or funny about this, but I'm too depressed just thinking about this
movie to say anything marginally interesting right now. Let's just move on.
Score: 1
| This shot features more denim than a Gap outlet store. |
Goriness: With a name like FleshEater, this movie's got to be steeped in gore, right?
Wrong! The main issue with the gore in the movie is that there isn't much of it, and what's
there looks as fake as Denise Richards' breasts. To put it another way, the fake blood in
this movie bears more of a resemblance to hot sauce than it does to plasma, and there's a
heart removal scene that is incredibly and distractingly unrealistic, mainly because the
heart is removed through someone's stomach. It's a move that is about as anatomically
correct as a Ken doll. Perhaps most importantly, most of the gore in FleshEater is
half-assed, but not in a gory "ass getting ripped in half" kind of way, if you know what I
mean; often times a zombie will bite someone on the neck (in the film, I mean, although I
guess that happens often in a general sense as well), but the camera will quickly cut away
and then cut back to the zombie with "flesh" hanging out of its mouth, only this "flesh" looks
more like a cheese enchilada than anything else. Give me a break. The bottom line is this:
more flesh eating happens in this film's title than it does in the film itself.
Score: 2
Wrong! The main issue with the gore in the movie is that there isn't much of it, and what's
there looks as fake as Denise Richards' breasts. To put it another way, the fake blood in
this movie bears more of a resemblance to hot sauce than it does to plasma, and there's a
heart removal scene that is incredibly and distractingly unrealistic, mainly because the
heart is removed through someone's stomach. It's a move that is about as anatomically
correct as a Ken doll. Perhaps most importantly, most of the gore in FleshEater is
half-assed, but not in a gory "ass getting ripped in half" kind of way, if you know what I
mean; often times a zombie will bite someone on the neck (in the film, I mean, although I
guess that happens often in a general sense as well), but the camera will quickly cut away
and then cut back to the zombie with "flesh" hanging out of its mouth, only this "flesh" looks
more like a cheese enchilada than anything else. Give me a break. The bottom line is this:
more flesh eating happens in this film's title than it does in the film itself.
Score: 2
| Packed with bloody goodness, Krunch bars really satisfy. Sadly, this is one of the goriest shots in this film. |
Final Scene: After the aforementioned barn is burned down and the also-aforementioned
fire and police departments leave without inspecting any of the barn's remains (that's
standard operating procedure, I'm sure), a lone police officer shows up and walks around
the smoldering barn ruins, for some unknown reason. Maybe he was looking for some
cool barn decorations that somehow survived the blaze. I have no idea. Regardless, while
the police officer does this walking around, Bill Hinzman Zombie Extraordinaire strikes
again, thereby apparently furthering the boring-ass zombie plague chronicled in this film.
Fortunately, a sequel to FleshEater was never lensed, so we can only speculate about what
happened after the credits rolled. I would like to think that the Hinzman Zombie committed
suicide over the remorse that he felt for tarnishing his own undead legacy, thereby ending
the FleshEater zombie menace once and for all. I have to think that this is what happened,
simply because it's too depressing to deal with the thought that the action in this movie
continued for even five more seconds.
Score: 2
Comedy: At one point in FleshEater, one of the characters asks, "What the hell is this, some
kind of joke?" The original intention of this question aside, let me go ahead and answer it:
yes indeed, this film is a fucking joke, although not in a "funny ha ha" way, but more in a
"watching video of yourself getting punched in the balls" way.
That being said, there are some slightly enjoyable comedic moments in the film--I for one
found it quite amusing that every 15 minutes or so an entirely new set of characters was
introduced and then subsequently eaten. Even if I had felt like rooting for the humans in
this film to survive (their collective lameness precluded me from doing so), I never really
had the time to learn any of their names. And then, let's not forget the redneck who
randomly finds a tombstone buried under leaves on his property and immediately blames it
on "college kids." I don't know about you, but I really miss my old college days, when I was
footloose and fancy free, and my friends and I would pass the time by burying gravestones
in the woods. Was I ever that young?
Additionally, I'd like to mention that I have in my notes for this category the lines "This is a
really great party" and "This is a really great song." The reason I wrote these down is
because these lines in context are absolutely absurd and laugh out loud funny, as they are
uttered during (a) what has to be the most boring party this side of a (non-alcoholic) cocktail
hour at John Ashcroft's house and (b) a song so badly written and performed, it makes The
Shaggs sound like Rush. I guess you'll have to take my word for it, because in hindsight
just typing these lines out and discussing them really isn't funny at all, but TRUST ME,
watch FleshEater--wait, scratch that--I would never recommend watching this movie for any
reason. But, if you do happen to find yourself in a situation unfortunate enough that you're
forced to watched this film, just remember to keep your ears peeled for these lines, and
then pee your pants with laughter. But not literally.
Score: 2
fire and police departments leave without inspecting any of the barn's remains (that's
standard operating procedure, I'm sure), a lone police officer shows up and walks around
the smoldering barn ruins, for some unknown reason. Maybe he was looking for some
cool barn decorations that somehow survived the blaze. I have no idea. Regardless, while
the police officer does this walking around, Bill Hinzman Zombie Extraordinaire strikes
again, thereby apparently furthering the boring-ass zombie plague chronicled in this film.
Fortunately, a sequel to FleshEater was never lensed, so we can only speculate about what
happened after the credits rolled. I would like to think that the Hinzman Zombie committed
suicide over the remorse that he felt for tarnishing his own undead legacy, thereby ending
the FleshEater zombie menace once and for all. I have to think that this is what happened,
simply because it's too depressing to deal with the thought that the action in this movie
continued for even five more seconds.
Score: 2
Comedy: At one point in FleshEater, one of the characters asks, "What the hell is this, some
kind of joke?" The original intention of this question aside, let me go ahead and answer it:
yes indeed, this film is a fucking joke, although not in a "funny ha ha" way, but more in a
"watching video of yourself getting punched in the balls" way.
That being said, there are some slightly enjoyable comedic moments in the film--I for one
found it quite amusing that every 15 minutes or so an entirely new set of characters was
introduced and then subsequently eaten. Even if I had felt like rooting for the humans in
this film to survive (their collective lameness precluded me from doing so), I never really
had the time to learn any of their names. And then, let's not forget the redneck who
randomly finds a tombstone buried under leaves on his property and immediately blames it
on "college kids." I don't know about you, but I really miss my old college days, when I was
footloose and fancy free, and my friends and I would pass the time by burying gravestones
in the woods. Was I ever that young?
Additionally, I'd like to mention that I have in my notes for this category the lines "This is a
really great party" and "This is a really great song." The reason I wrote these down is
because these lines in context are absolutely absurd and laugh out loud funny, as they are
uttered during (a) what has to be the most boring party this side of a (non-alcoholic) cocktail
hour at John Ashcroft's house and (b) a song so badly written and performed, it makes The
Shaggs sound like Rush. I guess you'll have to take my word for it, because in hindsight
just typing these lines out and discussing them really isn't funny at all, but TRUST ME,
watch FleshEater--wait, scratch that--I would never recommend watching this movie for any
reason. But, if you do happen to find yourself in a situation unfortunate enough that you're
forced to watched this film, just remember to keep your ears peeled for these lines, and
then pee your pants with laughter. But not literally.
Score: 2
| What is that, a tombstone buried under some leaves? There must be some college kids up to no-good nearby! |
Originality: FleshEater is original in the sense that it boldly shows us extended shots of
tractors where other zombie movies would show us, you know, zombies. Additionally, the
film also features extended sequences where NOTHING HAPPENS, and even then it's not
even an hour and half long. Although in hindsight, I guess that's not so original after all,
because Raiders of the Living Dead utilizes the same technique. How about this?:
FleshEater features bales of hay in several different, unrelated scenes; show me another
zombie movie that could make such a claim. Well, don't actually show me such a zombie
movie, because I'm already pretty sleepy as it is. Just email me the information. Thanks.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: Straight up and without hyperbole: the only way I would watch this movie
again was if I had insomnia and/or I needed to see an unattractive 40-year old lady take her
top off in a barn while masquerading as a college student.
Score: 1
Datedness: The music, the jeans, the jean jackets, the hairstyles, the barns...this movie is
so 80s, they might as well have given Steve Gutenberg a part. Well, except for that 'barns'
thing--I guess that's not so 80's after all. It's just that I'm all but blind after staring at so
many acid-washed jean jackets for 90 minutes, so I'm having a hard time differentiating
between things at the moment, visually or otherwise.
Score: 1
tractors where other zombie movies would show us, you know, zombies. Additionally, the
film also features extended sequences where NOTHING HAPPENS, and even then it's not
even an hour and half long. Although in hindsight, I guess that's not so original after all,
because Raiders of the Living Dead utilizes the same technique. How about this?:
FleshEater features bales of hay in several different, unrelated scenes; show me another
zombie movie that could make such a claim. Well, don't actually show me such a zombie
movie, because I'm already pretty sleepy as it is. Just email me the information. Thanks.
Score: 2
Rewatchability: Straight up and without hyperbole: the only way I would watch this movie
again was if I had insomnia and/or I needed to see an unattractive 40-year old lady take her
top off in a barn while masquerading as a college student.
Score: 1
Datedness: The music, the jeans, the jean jackets, the hairstyles, the barns...this movie is
so 80s, they might as well have given Steve Gutenberg a part. Well, except for that 'barns'
thing--I guess that's not so 80's after all. It's just that I'm all but blind after staring at so
many acid-washed jean jackets for 90 minutes, so I'm having a hard time differentiating
between things at the moment, visually or otherwise.
Score: 1
| Hey losers, 1988 called, it wants its hairstyles and generic beer cans back. DOUBLE-ZING! |
Soundtrack: As near as I can tell, there are three instances of music in FleshEater:
Score: 1
- The pervasive "FleshEater theme song", which is reminiscent of something that
John Carpenter would have written and used in one of his movies, if John Carpenter
were a deaf monkey that didn't have any hands. This song plays on a near-constant
loop throughout the movie, and ever since seeing the film, I've been unable to get it
out of my head. It haunts me, like an irritating ghost that won't stop strumming an
out of tune banjo. - During the "party in the barn" scene, someone says "I feel like dancing"; she and her
friend then proceed to apparently have seizures while listening to some honky tonk
music on a warped cassette. It is most definitely not awesome. - The keyboard noise that is employed whenever something "scary" happens in the
film. As noted previously, nothing scary happens inFleshEater, so the keyboard
noises in the movie are similar to keyboard noises in general: annoying and
superfluous.
Score: 1
| I'm not going to lie: if I were at this party, I would kill myself before the zombies ever even showed up. |
Breast Factor/Nudity: FleshEater is one of those movies that features nudity that makes
you wish it didn't, mainly because most of the actors are apparently in their 40s and are not
so much erotic as they are chilling visions of what middle-age does to the human body
(witness the "flash" during the lame-ass outdoor beer party and the barn sex scene for
illustration of this).
That being said, there is one semi-attractive lady who takes her clothes off in FleshEater.
The problem is that it is so unbelievably gratuitous and unnecessary and long that watching
it made me feel like the creepy pervert that I am. Let me put it this way: for a genre that
specializes in gratuitous nudity, the shower scene in this film pushes even those
boundaries. Disturbing.
Score: 3
Lead Actor: As indicated earlier, the lead actor in this film is S. William Hinzman, a.k.a. Bill
Hinzman, a.k.a. the original zombie from Night of the Living Dead. I must admit that it's
interesting to have a film wherein the lead character is a zombie, but this interest is
mitigated by the fact that Bill Hinzman doesn't actually do any acting--instead he does a
bunch of grunting and lunging. But, that doesn't detract from the film per se, seeing as how
no one in this film does any acting either.
It should be noted that Bill Hinzman was not content to confine his cinematic skills to the
acting department--he is also credited on this film as director, screenwriter, producer,
editor, and additional cinematographer. This begs the question: if Bill Hinzman had
focused all of his energies on doing just one of these things, would this movie have been
actually worth watching? Probably not, but I guess we'll never know.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Seeing as how a zombie is FleshEater's main character, he of
course doesn't have a sidekick or a love interest. But, he does grope both a girl fresh out of
the shower and a cheerleader, which sadly means that he’s seen more action than I have
recently. Bummer.
Score: 1
you wish it didn't, mainly because most of the actors are apparently in their 40s and are not
so much erotic as they are chilling visions of what middle-age does to the human body
(witness the "flash" during the lame-ass outdoor beer party and the barn sex scene for
illustration of this).
That being said, there is one semi-attractive lady who takes her clothes off in FleshEater.
The problem is that it is so unbelievably gratuitous and unnecessary and long that watching
it made me feel like the creepy pervert that I am. Let me put it this way: for a genre that
specializes in gratuitous nudity, the shower scene in this film pushes even those
boundaries. Disturbing.
Score: 3
Lead Actor: As indicated earlier, the lead actor in this film is S. William Hinzman, a.k.a. Bill
Hinzman, a.k.a. the original zombie from Night of the Living Dead. I must admit that it's
interesting to have a film wherein the lead character is a zombie, but this interest is
mitigated by the fact that Bill Hinzman doesn't actually do any acting--instead he does a
bunch of grunting and lunging. But, that doesn't detract from the film per se, seeing as how
no one in this film does any acting either.
It should be noted that Bill Hinzman was not content to confine his cinematic skills to the
acting department--he is also credited on this film as director, screenwriter, producer,
editor, and additional cinematographer. This begs the question: if Bill Hinzman had
focused all of his energies on doing just one of these things, would this movie have been
actually worth watching? Probably not, but I guess we'll never know.
Score: 2
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: Seeing as how a zombie is FleshEater's main character, he of
course doesn't have a sidekick or a love interest. But, he does grope both a girl fresh out of
the shower and a cheerleader, which sadly means that he’s seen more action than I have
recently. Bummer.
Score: 1
| College students, or middle-aged wastoids posing as college students (poorly) in a shitty zombie movie? You tell me. |
Overall Cast: We'll get to the performance of the overall cast in a moment, but first I just
want to point out that not only does the on-screen performance of said cast leave much, nay
everything, to be desired, but the behind-the-scenes casting of said cast itself is beyond
pathetic. As mentioned, virtually everyone in this film is supposed to be a college student,
and yet they're all clearly in their forties. It's kind of hard to accept that I'm watching college
kids partying down when they have Geritol tablets falling out of their jean jacket pockets.
Hey, remember earlier when I said I would get to the cast's actual performance? I WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH. To put it as plainly as possible, FleshEater should be mandatory
viewing for beginning drama students everywhere, to illustrate what not to do when acting.
To put it even more plainly: it's clear that everyone in this movie subscribes to the 3 D's of
Acting: be Drab, be Dull, and be Depression-inDucing. Actually, I guess that's 4 D's.
Whatever--you get the point.
Score: 1
Token Scientist: Not only does FleshEater not feature any scientists, but I seriously doubt
that anyone involved with this production could even spell the word 'science'.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: One thing that's weird about FleshEater is that all of the zombies featured in
it seem to take very small bites when eating people, and they neither take all they want nor
eat all they take. In other words, the zombies usually kill someone by eating a tiny chunk
out of his or her neck, and then, rather than staying for a while and satiating themselves,
they move on to the next victim. How wasteful. Anyways, the point is that this small-zombie-
portion phenomenon serves to underscore the fact that there aren't really any significant
fatties in this movie. At least, there weren't any significant fatties in it when it was filmed--
several of the guys in FleshEater are clearly fat guys in waiting. It's like you're seeing the
"before" picture for a Nutrislim ad before it's even time for the before picture to be taken, if
that makes any sense. Of course, there are some fat dudes when the posse organizes at
the end of the movie to hunt down the zombies--then it's Chubtown, USA. However, most of
these fatties are only onscreen for about 2 seconds, so you never really get a good look at
them. As such, I can't label anyone in FleshEater as the Token Fat Guy. Drag. It's too bad
that we don't have a Token Dork-Ass Lamewad category at ZombieTastic, because this
movie has about 10 different contenders for that crown. I'll mention it to my boss the next
time we have a ZombieTastic staff meeting (as opposed to a ZombieTastic staph infection,
which we pretty much have full time).
Score: 1
Best Line: The obvious contender for the best line in FleshEater is one that is never
uttered--it's the inscription on the gravestone of Zombie Hinzman. It also appears after the
opening credits, and as I stated earlier, it reads: "...this evil which will take flesh and blood
from thee and turn all ye unto evil..." I can't help but wonder, what the hell does that even
mean? It sounds like something an 8th grader would cook up for a D&D session or
something. I guess we'll have to look elsewhere for the best line. Could it be when the guy
answers his girlfriend's question of "Why don’t you ever kiss me like that?" with "Maybe if
you had tits like that I would"? No, probably not. How about when one of the characters
achieves the most ironically ironicalized statement ever uttered in the history of cinema by
uttering, "I think you’ve seen just one too many cheesy zombie flicks, pal"? No, that's
probably not the best line either. In the end, this is probably the film's best line: "You’ve got
your nerve!" While I have absolutely no idea what it's supposed to mean, it does win the
argument with the drunk guy dressed like a vampire, and you can't argue with results.
Score: 3
want to point out that not only does the on-screen performance of said cast leave much, nay
everything, to be desired, but the behind-the-scenes casting of said cast itself is beyond
pathetic. As mentioned, virtually everyone in this film is supposed to be a college student,
and yet they're all clearly in their forties. It's kind of hard to accept that I'm watching college
kids partying down when they have Geritol tablets falling out of their jean jacket pockets.
Hey, remember earlier when I said I would get to the cast's actual performance? I WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH. To put it as plainly as possible, FleshEater should be mandatory
viewing for beginning drama students everywhere, to illustrate what not to do when acting.
To put it even more plainly: it's clear that everyone in this movie subscribes to the 3 D's of
Acting: be Drab, be Dull, and be Depression-inDucing. Actually, I guess that's 4 D's.
Whatever--you get the point.
Score: 1
Token Scientist: Not only does FleshEater not feature any scientists, but I seriously doubt
that anyone involved with this production could even spell the word 'science'.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: One thing that's weird about FleshEater is that all of the zombies featured in
it seem to take very small bites when eating people, and they neither take all they want nor
eat all they take. In other words, the zombies usually kill someone by eating a tiny chunk
out of his or her neck, and then, rather than staying for a while and satiating themselves,
they move on to the next victim. How wasteful. Anyways, the point is that this small-zombie-
portion phenomenon serves to underscore the fact that there aren't really any significant
fatties in this movie. At least, there weren't any significant fatties in it when it was filmed--
several of the guys in FleshEater are clearly fat guys in waiting. It's like you're seeing the
"before" picture for a Nutrislim ad before it's even time for the before picture to be taken, if
that makes any sense. Of course, there are some fat dudes when the posse organizes at
the end of the movie to hunt down the zombies--then it's Chubtown, USA. However, most of
these fatties are only onscreen for about 2 seconds, so you never really get a good look at
them. As such, I can't label anyone in FleshEater as the Token Fat Guy. Drag. It's too bad
that we don't have a Token Dork-Ass Lamewad category at ZombieTastic, because this
movie has about 10 different contenders for that crown. I'll mention it to my boss the next
time we have a ZombieTastic staff meeting (as opposed to a ZombieTastic staph infection,
which we pretty much have full time).
Score: 1
Best Line: The obvious contender for the best line in FleshEater is one that is never
uttered--it's the inscription on the gravestone of Zombie Hinzman. It also appears after the
opening credits, and as I stated earlier, it reads: "...this evil which will take flesh and blood
from thee and turn all ye unto evil..." I can't help but wonder, what the hell does that even
mean? It sounds like something an 8th grader would cook up for a D&D session or
something. I guess we'll have to look elsewhere for the best line. Could it be when the guy
answers his girlfriend's question of "Why don’t you ever kiss me like that?" with "Maybe if
you had tits like that I would"? No, probably not. How about when one of the characters
achieves the most ironically ironicalized statement ever uttered in the history of cinema by
uttering, "I think you’ve seen just one too many cheesy zombie flicks, pal"? No, that's
probably not the best line either. In the end, this is probably the film's best line: "You’ve got
your nerve!" While I have absolutely no idea what it's supposed to mean, it does win the
argument with the drunk guy dressed like a vampire, and you can't argue with results.
Score: 3
| If anyone can tell me what this means, I'll give him or her a hundred dollars. I'm not even kidding. |
Intangibles: In addition to the fact that it's simply a boring movie, FleshEater features
numerous minor touches that combine to create a suck factor that grows exponentially as
the film progresses. These include:
The point: no matter how shitty FleshEater is, it always seems to find a way to get a little
worse.
Score: 1
numerous minor touches that combine to create a suck factor that grows exponentially as
the film progresses. These include:
- Tractors, tractors, tractors! This movie has tractors out the ass, but not literally--no,
that might have actually been interesting to watch. - Hay Mania, aka Haynia! The only thing FleshEater has on display more than sheer
incompetence is bales of hay. I know that there are a lot of scenes set in barns, but
if I really wanted to see this much dried grass I would go and stare at my front lawn--
at least that wouldn't feature shitty acting. - Capitalize THIS! I have no idea why the title, "FleshEater" (in case you haven't been
paying attention), is (a) one word, and more importantly (b) one word with a letter
capitalized in the middle of it. All I know is, it bothers me. - FuddyDuddy-palooza At one point, a character refers to young people sucking face
as going "parking." It's bad enough that the fashion in this film is so dated, but do
we also, while watching it, have to be subjected to hip lingo from the 1930s? Alas, I
guess so. - Lucky for us you just happened to trip there, bub. The only reason that the zombies
in this film are even unleashed is because some random dude randomly trips on a
random grave and randomly decides to open it up. There hasn't been a film with a
setup this contrived since Rambo III. - That's not very sexy. FleshEater features a barn sex scene that's about as erotic as
a root canal. Thanks for ruining barnyard sex for me, jerks. - Do something resembling anything. The only thing worse than the non-scary
zombies in FleshEater are the scenes in which we get to watch a girl dry her hair as
a kid makes caramel apples--it's RIVETING.
The point: no matter how shitty FleshEater is, it always seems to find a way to get a little
worse.
Score: 1
| Those are some sweet wheels, Jethro. Just so you know, this is only one of many tractor shots sprinkled throughout the film. |
Zombie Believability: As mentioned previously, it's hard to take the zombies seriously in
this movie, because most of the time you're not even sure who the zombies are, as the only
thing that sets them apart from the woodfolk that they're attacking is that their skin is slightly
more pale. I'm no George Romero, but it seems to me that if you want to make a zombie
movie, your first priority should be making sure that people know that your zombie movie
has zombies in it, you know? Just a thought.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: I will at least give FleshEater credit for the fact that it features a
panoply of zombie attack scenes, from the various attacks in the woods, to the barnyard
attack scene (which, admittedly, moves more slowly than a line at the DMV), to the siege of
a house, to the breaking up of the lame-ass Halloween party in the barn (which involves the
biting off of the host's nose--that's just rude). Granted, none of these attack scenes are
especially interesting to watch, but at least they're there.
However, I must ask one thing: isn't it interesting that when Bill Hinzman attacks a male
farmer, the attack lasts about 3 seconds and takes place mainly off-camera, whereas when
he attacks a nubile young girl who's wearing only a towel, all of the action is captured
onscreen, and it lasts for about a minute, and it involves some zombie "biting" right next to
the girl's breast? Perhaps this is the real reason that FleshEater was made? I think so. In
the future, this film should be released on DVD under a more appropriate title: GropeFest
5000.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: By my count, there's only one zombie "orgy" scene in FleshEater,
and it occurs when a zombiefied family combines forces to eat their own father. That, my
friends, is chutzpah, but unfortunately, it only lasts for about 2 seconds or so. I guess we
should all realize by now that even when FleshEater does something cool, it still manages
to ruin it through its own sheer incompetence.
Score: 1
this movie, because most of the time you're not even sure who the zombies are, as the only
thing that sets them apart from the woodfolk that they're attacking is that their skin is slightly
more pale. I'm no George Romero, but it seems to me that if you want to make a zombie
movie, your first priority should be making sure that people know that your zombie movie
has zombies in it, you know? Just a thought.
Score: 1
Zombie Attack Scenes: I will at least give FleshEater credit for the fact that it features a
panoply of zombie attack scenes, from the various attacks in the woods, to the barnyard
attack scene (which, admittedly, moves more slowly than a line at the DMV), to the siege of
a house, to the breaking up of the lame-ass Halloween party in the barn (which involves the
biting off of the host's nose--that's just rude). Granted, none of these attack scenes are
especially interesting to watch, but at least they're there.
However, I must ask one thing: isn't it interesting that when Bill Hinzman attacks a male
farmer, the attack lasts about 3 seconds and takes place mainly off-camera, whereas when
he attacks a nubile young girl who's wearing only a towel, all of the action is captured
onscreen, and it lasts for about a minute, and it involves some zombie "biting" right next to
the girl's breast? Perhaps this is the real reason that FleshEater was made? I think so. In
the future, this film should be released on DVD under a more appropriate title: GropeFest
5000.
Score: 3
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: By my count, there's only one zombie "orgy" scene in FleshEater,
and it occurs when a zombiefied family combines forces to eat their own father. That, my
friends, is chutzpah, but unfortunately, it only lasts for about 2 seconds or so. I guess we
should all realize by now that even when FleshEater does something cool, it still manages
to ruin it through its own sheer incompetence.
Score: 1
| Wow, that is the most strategic boarding-up of a door that I've ever seen. This guy is a FUCKING GENIUS. |
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: Anti-Zombie weapons utilized in FleshEater include a big stick,
ugly hairdos, a shotgun, incompetence, a candy bar, and a good old-fashioned posse.
While these are all relatively standard anti-zombie implements, FleshEater at least
provides some valuable information to zombie-ologists everywhere by revealing this
stunning piece of information: really lame parties, while deadly to humans, seem to have
no effect whatsoever on the living dead. That's good to know.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Your guess as to what causes the Hinzman Zombie to actually
be a zombie FleshEater is as good as mine--actually, it's probably better, because I've seen
the whole movie, which is akin to suffering mild brain damage, whereas you hopefully have
not seen the film, and thus you presumably still have your higher cognitive functions.
Now, as we all know, often times when a zombie film does not proffer a zombification
explanation it's a good thing, but in this film I think it's safe to say that it's not a good thing,
as it probably wasn't done so much by design as it was due to laziness. So, as a corollary
to what we learned in the Zombie "Orgy" Scenes category, we can state that even when
FleshEater does something right, it still does it wrong.
Score: 1
ugly hairdos, a shotgun, incompetence, a candy bar, and a good old-fashioned posse.
While these are all relatively standard anti-zombie implements, FleshEater at least
provides some valuable information to zombie-ologists everywhere by revealing this
stunning piece of information: really lame parties, while deadly to humans, seem to have
no effect whatsoever on the living dead. That's good to know.
Score: 3
Zombification Explanation: Your guess as to what causes the Hinzman Zombie to actually
be a zombie FleshEater is as good as mine--actually, it's probably better, because I've seen
the whole movie, which is akin to suffering mild brain damage, whereas you hopefully have
not seen the film, and thus you presumably still have your higher cognitive functions.
Now, as we all know, often times when a zombie film does not proffer a zombification
explanation it's a good thing, but in this film I think it's safe to say that it's not a good thing,
as it probably wasn't done so much by design as it was due to laziness. So, as a corollary
to what we learned in the Zombie "Orgy" Scenes category, we can state that even when
FleshEater does something right, it still does it wrong.
Score: 1
| I guess somebody forgot to tell the effects artists that the heart doesn't reside in the stomach. |
Zombie Uniqueness: For being a derivative rip-off of other, better zombie movies, there are
some unique things about the zombies in FleshEater, such as: they attack people with
weapons (including a pitchfork and an axe), they are able to remove people's hearts
through their stomachs, they are able to make groaning noises without moving their lips,
they appear to be interested in fitness (that whole "only taking a bite or two from their
victims" thing), and one of them apparently watches TV. But you know what none of them
do? Um…ride a jet ski. Yeah. Come on, makers of FleshEater: if you're not going to give
us a good zombie movie, at least give us zombies on jet skis. I don't think that I'm asking
for too much, here.
Score: 3
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in FleshEater are highly consistent in the sense that
they're all boring, they're all pale, and they all make gurgling noises. In other words, they're
a lot like Strom Thurmond right before he died. Weird.
Score: 3
some unique things about the zombies in FleshEater, such as: they attack people with
weapons (including a pitchfork and an axe), they are able to remove people's hearts
through their stomachs, they are able to make groaning noises without moving their lips,
they appear to be interested in fitness (that whole "only taking a bite or two from their
victims" thing), and one of them apparently watches TV. But you know what none of them
do? Um…ride a jet ski. Yeah. Come on, makers of FleshEater: if you're not going to give
us a good zombie movie, at least give us zombies on jet skis. I don't think that I'm asking
for too much, here.
Score: 3
Zombie Consistency: The zombies in FleshEater are highly consistent in the sense that
they're all boring, they're all pale, and they all make gurgling noises. In other words, they're
a lot like Strom Thurmond right before he died. Weird.
Score: 3
| Zombie Bill Hinzman, tarnishing his legacy with a vengeance. |
Signature Zombie: FleshEater's signature zombie is of course Bill Hinzman, which is
depressing, because he takes an iconic zombie character and denigrates it, totally and
completely. The whole thing is as ridiculous as the idea of having Spider-Man dance
around to smooth jazz. Oh wait, he does that in Spider-Man 3? Well, never mind then. I
will say this: using Bill Hinzman as the signature zombie in FleshEater creates what is
probably a first for zombie cinema: a signature zombie in a film that is also its lead actor
and that is also the signature zombie in another, unrelated movie. It's kind of like how when
British people win awards for playing the Queen at different ages, except it's different. Yeah.
Score: 2
Total Points: 53
Verdict: In recent years, we've been treated to a slate of zombie movies that have ranged
from very good to great in quality, including Land of the Dead, the remake of Dawn of the
Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Plaga Zombie: Zona Mutante, Slither, and 28 Days Later (the
latter two, I know, technically aren't zombie movies--but they're close enough to be included
here anyway). In this light, it's easy to forget that there was a time when zombie movies like
FleshEater were the rule, not the exception--consider that a similar span of time in the late
1980s saw the release of such shit-tastic zombie movies as Gore-Met Zombie Chef from
Hell, Redneck Zombies, Dead Heat, and Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers. So, while it's easy
to dismiss FleshEater as the pile of putrescence that it is, we must also heed it's warning,
which is that if we're not careful, we can always backslide into the cesspool of lame that
has plagued zombie cinema for much of its existence.
Ultimately, FleshEater begs the question: who ponied up the money to make a movie like
this? Probably someone who was lighting cigars with a hundred-dollar bill and didn't give a
shit what happened to his/her money. Must be nice, moneybags.
Even more ultimately: for the record, I hate films like FleshEater, not just because they're
tedious to watch, not just because they give the zombie genre a bad name, but also
because they're hard for me to review, because I can only say "this movie sucks" in so
many ways before I run out of words. So let me just put it as simply as I can, in case you
haven't figured it out already: any way you look at FleshEater, it sucks. It's a veritable
kaleidoscope of suck. Now let's all put it out of our minds and try to remember Bill Hinzman
as the awesome zombie in Night of the Living Dead, and not the perverted loser from
FleshEater. Agreed?
Next Time: Blood of Ghastly Horror
depressing, because he takes an iconic zombie character and denigrates it, totally and
completely. The whole thing is as ridiculous as the idea of having Spider-Man dance
around to smooth jazz. Oh wait, he does that in Spider-Man 3? Well, never mind then. I
will say this: using Bill Hinzman as the signature zombie in FleshEater creates what is
probably a first for zombie cinema: a signature zombie in a film that is also its lead actor
and that is also the signature zombie in another, unrelated movie. It's kind of like how when
British people win awards for playing the Queen at different ages, except it's different. Yeah.
Score: 2
Total Points: 53
Verdict: In recent years, we've been treated to a slate of zombie movies that have ranged
from very good to great in quality, including Land of the Dead, the remake of Dawn of the
Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Plaga Zombie: Zona Mutante, Slither, and 28 Days Later (the
latter two, I know, technically aren't zombie movies--but they're close enough to be included
here anyway). In this light, it's easy to forget that there was a time when zombie movies like
FleshEater were the rule, not the exception--consider that a similar span of time in the late
1980s saw the release of such shit-tastic zombie movies as Gore-Met Zombie Chef from
Hell, Redneck Zombies, Dead Heat, and Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers. So, while it's easy
to dismiss FleshEater as the pile of putrescence that it is, we must also heed it's warning,
which is that if we're not careful, we can always backslide into the cesspool of lame that
has plagued zombie cinema for much of its existence.
Ultimately, FleshEater begs the question: who ponied up the money to make a movie like
this? Probably someone who was lighting cigars with a hundred-dollar bill and didn't give a
shit what happened to his/her money. Must be nice, moneybags.
Even more ultimately: for the record, I hate films like FleshEater, not just because they're
tedious to watch, not just because they give the zombie genre a bad name, but also
because they're hard for me to review, because I can only say "this movie sucks" in so
many ways before I run out of words. So let me just put it as simply as I can, in case you
haven't figured it out already: any way you look at FleshEater, it sucks. It's a veritable
kaleidoscope of suck. Now let's all put it out of our minds and try to remember Bill Hinzman
as the awesome zombie in Night of the Living Dead, and not the perverted loser from
FleshEater. Agreed?
Next Time: Blood of Ghastly Horror
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