The ZombieTastic Review of:
Zombi 3
Zombi 3
Directors: Lucio Fulci/Bruno Mattei
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: An Exercise in Inept Laziness
Also Known as: Zombie Flesh Eaters 2
Part of a series?: Yes.
The Scoring
Plot: Evidently, Lucio Fulci, this film's original director, shot about 70 minutes-worth of
footage before leaving the project, either due to a stroke, or, in a more likely scenario, to
simply dissociate himself from the film altogether. Following Fulci's exit, Bruno Mattei was
enlisted; he reduced Fulci's footage to about 50-minutes, and then wrote and shot his own
material and combined it with Fulci's. The result was the atrocity known as Zombi 3.
Mattei's storyline involves scientists working on a compound known as Death One, which,
when ingested in any way by humans, causes said humans to perish and then revive and
flesh-hungry zombies. After the drug is stolen by people who are never identified for
reasons that are never explained, an infected person's body is burned, spreading Death
One through the atmosphere.
Fulci's storyline involves some rough-and-tumble army guys looking for a good time while
on leave (these guys are probably supposed to be young, but they look like they're in their
early 40s). These randy and/or geriatric G.I.'s meet up with some skanks riding around in
an RV and are then attacked by zombie birds (you read that correctly), and then by regular
zombies; after battling zombies for a long time, they all barricade themselves into a hotel,
and battle more zombies for an even longer time.
I'm not quite sure what one storyline has to do with the other, although presumably the
burning of the body from the first storyline has caused the zombies that are encountered in
the second storyline. I don't know. The point is that eventually both storylines end without
ever becoming remotely compelling while simultaneously ignoring altogether things such
as pacing and character development. Look, if Blood of Ghastly Horror taught us anything,
it's that nothing punishes a zombie audience more than taking two shitty, unrelated
storylines and mashing them together to make one "film." Zombi 3 does nothing to dispute
this point. As a matter of fact, between these two movies, I think we have enough evidence
to declare this "one zombie movie + another zombie movie = one really shitty zombie movie"
theory an ironclad law of mathematics.
Score: 1
Year of Release: 1988
Country of Origin: Italy
Type of Zombie Film: An Exercise in Inept Laziness
Also Known as: Zombie Flesh Eaters 2
Part of a series?: Yes.
The Scoring
Plot: Evidently, Lucio Fulci, this film's original director, shot about 70 minutes-worth of
footage before leaving the project, either due to a stroke, or, in a more likely scenario, to
simply dissociate himself from the film altogether. Following Fulci's exit, Bruno Mattei was
enlisted; he reduced Fulci's footage to about 50-minutes, and then wrote and shot his own
material and combined it with Fulci's. The result was the atrocity known as Zombi 3.
Mattei's storyline involves scientists working on a compound known as Death One, which,
when ingested in any way by humans, causes said humans to perish and then revive and
flesh-hungry zombies. After the drug is stolen by people who are never identified for
reasons that are never explained, an infected person's body is burned, spreading Death
One through the atmosphere.
Fulci's storyline involves some rough-and-tumble army guys looking for a good time while
on leave (these guys are probably supposed to be young, but they look like they're in their
early 40s). These randy and/or geriatric G.I.'s meet up with some skanks riding around in
an RV and are then attacked by zombie birds (you read that correctly), and then by regular
zombies; after battling zombies for a long time, they all barricade themselves into a hotel,
and battle more zombies for an even longer time.
I'm not quite sure what one storyline has to do with the other, although presumably the
burning of the body from the first storyline has caused the zombies that are encountered in
the second storyline. I don't know. The point is that eventually both storylines end without
ever becoming remotely compelling while simultaneously ignoring altogether things such
as pacing and character development. Look, if Blood of Ghastly Horror taught us anything,
it's that nothing punishes a zombie audience more than taking two shitty, unrelated
storylines and mashing them together to make one "film." Zombi 3 does nothing to dispute
this point. As a matter of fact, between these two movies, I think we have enough evidence
to declare this "one zombie movie + another zombie movie = one really shitty zombie movie"
theory an ironclad law of mathematics.
Score: 1
| These "young" soldiers look like they're only a few months away from retirement. |
| Did somebody ask for some exposition? Have no fear: Blue Heart is here. |
| ZombieTastic Presents: The 3 Habits of Highly Effective Flying Zombie Heads! |
| Is it just me, or is this zombie's head its only part that is actually zombiefied? |
Soundtrack: When you watch a film as bad as Zombi 3, it's hard to single out one particular
element as "the worst thing about the movie." It's kind of like contracting herpes and then
immediately getting stomped by a biker gang--you don't know which of the things that just
happened to you is the worst, all you know is that you're lying in a pool of your own blood,
wondering where your front teeth are. With that in mind, it is with some reluctance that I say
that of the errors made by Zombi 3, the soundtrack is perhaps the most egregious of them
all.
The musical abominations start with the film's "main theme." What the work of John
Williams was to Jaws, such is this song to Zombi 3, except that instead of being
memorable, it's simply incredibly annoying. Not only is it a horrible composition, BUT, any
time anything remotely resembling "action" occurs in this movie, the song kicks in, even if
it's only for a few seconds. Then, it disappears as quickly as it arrived, only to reappear
seconds later when some more "action" happens. The song cuts in and out of the movie
perhaps 7,000 times. Awesome. The producers of the Zombi 3 DVD were nice enough to
loop this "song" on the disc's main menu, I guess so that you have the option of listening to
it whenever you want; I've one-upped them and provided an mp3 copy of the song for your
listening pleasure. Don't bother to thank me.
Aside from the problems with the main theme, there's also this to consider: if you're going
to fill your film with awful, vaguely funky synth music (music that, it should be pointed out, is
performed by "Clue in the Crew", which is quite possibly the worst band name that I've ever
heard), don't also have a DJ in your film who continually calls attention to said shitty generic
music. And, especially, don't have him describe the rhythm of one of these songs as
"hellish"; all it's going to do is put that adjective in your audience's mind as they then find
themselves struggling to label the aural atrocity that they're experiencing.
Ultimately, the conclusion I've reached after listening to the music in Zombi 3 is this:
perhaps I should go back and revisit the work of Limp Bizkit. I've always thought that those
guys were the shittiest band in the history of bands that were shitty. But, hearing how bad
music can actually get, suddenly they don't seem so offensive to me.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: No nudity, in a Fulci movie? Strange but true. I wonder if that was
some of the footage that Mattei cut out when he took over the film? If so, I thank I speak for
everyone when I say, thanks for nothing, Bruno!
Score: 1
element as "the worst thing about the movie." It's kind of like contracting herpes and then
immediately getting stomped by a biker gang--you don't know which of the things that just
happened to you is the worst, all you know is that you're lying in a pool of your own blood,
wondering where your front teeth are. With that in mind, it is with some reluctance that I say
that of the errors made by Zombi 3, the soundtrack is perhaps the most egregious of them
all.
The musical abominations start with the film's "main theme." What the work of John
Williams was to Jaws, such is this song to Zombi 3, except that instead of being
memorable, it's simply incredibly annoying. Not only is it a horrible composition, BUT, any
time anything remotely resembling "action" occurs in this movie, the song kicks in, even if
it's only for a few seconds. Then, it disappears as quickly as it arrived, only to reappear
seconds later when some more "action" happens. The song cuts in and out of the movie
perhaps 7,000 times. Awesome. The producers of the Zombi 3 DVD were nice enough to
loop this "song" on the disc's main menu, I guess so that you have the option of listening to
it whenever you want; I've one-upped them and provided an mp3 copy of the song for your
listening pleasure. Don't bother to thank me.
Aside from the problems with the main theme, there's also this to consider: if you're going
to fill your film with awful, vaguely funky synth music (music that, it should be pointed out, is
performed by "Clue in the Crew", which is quite possibly the worst band name that I've ever
heard), don't also have a DJ in your film who continually calls attention to said shitty generic
music. And, especially, don't have him describe the rhythm of one of these songs as
"hellish"; all it's going to do is put that adjective in your audience's mind as they then find
themselves struggling to label the aural atrocity that they're experiencing.
Ultimately, the conclusion I've reached after listening to the music in Zombi 3 is this:
perhaps I should go back and revisit the work of Limp Bizkit. I've always thought that those
guys were the shittiest band in the history of bands that were shitty. But, hearing how bad
music can actually get, suddenly they don't seem so offensive to me.
Score: 1
Breast Factor/Nudity: No nudity, in a Fulci movie? Strange but true. I wonder if that was
some of the footage that Mattei cut out when he took over the film? If so, I thank I speak for
everyone when I say, thanks for nothing, Bruno!
Score: 1
| Zombie + stake = zombie steak? |
| Zombie DJ in the house! |
| This picture is intentionally blurry, as distortion is the only way to make this "zombie bird attack" even halfway believable. |
| True movie fact: this scene won the 1988 Oscar for 'most creative use of a knife in a piece of shit film that no one saw in', beating out Crocodile Dundee II and Tucker: The Man and His Dream. |
Zombie "Orgy" Scenes: Strangely, despite all of that zombie attack action we just
discussed, there aren't really any scenes that qualify as zombie orgies. Frankly I'm a little
confused by this, because there are excessive zombie orgy scenes in other Fulci and/or
Mattei zombie films (see, for example, Zombi 2 and Hell of the Living Dead). Maybe when
two zombie movies are combined into one, a zombie orgy scene is like a double-negative
that cancels itself out. That's probably bullshit, but then again, I don't hear you offering up
any theories on Zombi 3's lack of zombie orgy action.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There are machine guns employed against the living dead in this
film, but, what with all the army men running around, that probably goes without saying.
That being said, the rest of the anti-zombie weaponry employed in this film is quite unique.
Said weaponry includes: a bunch of wicker furniture, rudimentary judo, a flamethrower that
kind of looks like a jet pack, general military incompetence, and a little maneuver I like to
call "the double combat-boot to the head."
Score: 4
Zombification Explanation: As mentioned previously, zombies arise in this film due to the
virus known as Death One. What's worth noting is that, unlike most zombie movies, the
method of zombification does not cause the already-dead to rise from their graves; rather, it
causes the living to spew puss, die, and then zombiefy. I just thought I'd point that out.
Ultimately, I think that it's nice when a film's method du zombificacion (as the French would
say) has a precise name. It just makes everything more official, you know?
Score: 3
discussed, there aren't really any scenes that qualify as zombie orgies. Frankly I'm a little
confused by this, because there are excessive zombie orgy scenes in other Fulci and/or
Mattei zombie films (see, for example, Zombi 2 and Hell of the Living Dead). Maybe when
two zombie movies are combined into one, a zombie orgy scene is like a double-negative
that cancels itself out. That's probably bullshit, but then again, I don't hear you offering up
any theories on Zombi 3's lack of zombie orgy action.
Score: 1
Anti-Zombie Weaponry: There are machine guns employed against the living dead in this
film, but, what with all the army men running around, that probably goes without saying.
That being said, the rest of the anti-zombie weaponry employed in this film is quite unique.
Said weaponry includes: a bunch of wicker furniture, rudimentary judo, a flamethrower that
kind of looks like a jet pack, general military incompetence, and a little maneuver I like to
call "the double combat-boot to the head."
Score: 4
Zombification Explanation: As mentioned previously, zombies arise in this film due to the
virus known as Death One. What's worth noting is that, unlike most zombie movies, the
method of zombification does not cause the already-dead to rise from their graves; rather, it
causes the living to spew puss, die, and then zombiefy. I just thought I'd point that out.
Ultimately, I think that it's nice when a film's method du zombificacion (as the French would
say) has a precise name. It just makes everything more official, you know?
Score: 3
Zombie Uniqueness: If zombie birds, zombie disc jockeys, and flying zombie heads aren't
unique enough for you, what else are you looking for, here? Zombies using machetes?
Well, Zombi 3 features those as well. In fact, if nothing else, Zombi 3 seems to be an
exercise in zombie uniqueness, which is kind of weird when you consider how hackneyed
the rest of the film is. Go figure.
Score: 4
Zombie Consistency: Alas, the uniqueness of the zombies on display here leads to a lot of
behavioral inconsistencies--some of the film's zombies move quickly, while others slowly
shuffle about; some of the zombies are incredibly stupid, whereas others seem to be able
to plan attacks; some of the zombies utilize brutal, effective hand-to-hand combat
techniques, while others seem to be as coordinated as a toddler that's been huffing ether. I
guess zombie consistency is the first thing you sacrifice when you combine two different
zombie films into one. Actually, I guess the first thing that you sacrifice in that situation is
making a film that is actually worth watching, but that 'zombie consistency' thing is a close
second.
Score: 2
unique enough for you, what else are you looking for, here? Zombies using machetes?
Well, Zombi 3 features those as well. In fact, if nothing else, Zombi 3 seems to be an
exercise in zombie uniqueness, which is kind of weird when you consider how hackneyed
the rest of the film is. Go figure.
Score: 4
Zombie Consistency: Alas, the uniqueness of the zombies on display here leads to a lot of
behavioral inconsistencies--some of the film's zombies move quickly, while others slowly
shuffle about; some of the zombies are incredibly stupid, whereas others seem to be able
to plan attacks; some of the zombies utilize brutal, effective hand-to-hand combat
techniques, while others seem to be as coordinated as a toddler that's been huffing ether. I
guess zombie consistency is the first thing you sacrifice when you combine two different
zombie films into one. Actually, I guess the first thing that you sacrifice in that situation is
making a film that is actually worth watching, but that 'zombie consistency' thing is a close
second.
Score: 2
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Final Scene: As our "heroes" (i.e., the characters that none of us care about who just
happened to survive to the end of one of this movie's storylines) fly off in a helicopter, they
listen to Blue Heart's funky radio broadcast, I guess because helicopters have AM/FM
radios just like cars do. Having become familiar with Blue Heart as he provided context and
semi-narration throughout the course of the movie, the audience is now truly horrified and
shocked to discover that, somehow, he has himself become a zombie! Note: by "horrified
and shocked" I mean "thoroughly nonplussed." What's really weird about this scene is that
even though Blue Heart has become a zombie, his voice sounds exactly the same as it did
when he was a human. Even weirder: he continues to fulfill his disc jockey duties. Dude,
you're a zombie now: you can quit your day job.
Score: 1
happened to survive to the end of one of this movie's storylines) fly off in a helicopter, they
listen to Blue Heart's funky radio broadcast, I guess because helicopters have AM/FM
radios just like cars do. Having become familiar with Blue Heart as he provided context and
semi-narration throughout the course of the movie, the audience is now truly horrified and
shocked to discover that, somehow, he has himself become a zombie! Note: by "horrified
and shocked" I mean "thoroughly nonplussed." What's really weird about this scene is that
even though Blue Heart has become a zombie, his voice sounds exactly the same as it did
when he was a human. Even weirder: he continues to fulfill his disc jockey duties. Dude,
you're a zombie now: you can quit your day job.
Score: 1
Token Fat Guy: Alright, let's get conceptual: as Zombi 3 doesn't have a token fat guy, I'm
going to say that Zombi 3 is, itself, its own token fat guy. Wait, what? What I mean is, what
with the two different movies mashed together and the needlessly drawn-out "action"
sequences, the whole film is just a fat, bloated mess. So there you go. Zombi 3 = its own
token fat guy.
You know, when I started writing out this theory, I thought it made sense. Looking back,
though, it just seems ridiculous and confusing, and it makes this review even more bloated
than it already is. So does that mean that this category is the token fat guy of this review? I
have no idea what I'm even talking about anymore. Please forget everything that you just
read and move on.
Score: 1
Best Line: "There were traces of blood all around--strange colored blood." "Bury them in a
mass grave!" "People are eating each other!" "A week ago this place was buzzing with
life--now it's buzzing with flies." "We've gotta get hold of some penicillin!" As you can tell
from the preceding quotes, Zombi 3 is full of memorable dialogue. None of these lines,
however, approaches the genius of this line: "We have lived through an appallingly horrific
episode." These words are uttered by the great Blue Heart, and they are genius because
they describe not only what has just happened in Zombi 3, but also what it feels like to have
watched Zombi 3 itself. How very postmodern.
Score: 3
going to say that Zombi 3 is, itself, its own token fat guy. Wait, what? What I mean is, what
with the two different movies mashed together and the needlessly drawn-out "action"
sequences, the whole film is just a fat, bloated mess. So there you go. Zombi 3 = its own
token fat guy.
You know, when I started writing out this theory, I thought it made sense. Looking back,
though, it just seems ridiculous and confusing, and it makes this review even more bloated
than it already is. So does that mean that this category is the token fat guy of this review? I
have no idea what I'm even talking about anymore. Please forget everything that you just
read and move on.
Score: 1
Best Line: "There were traces of blood all around--strange colored blood." "Bury them in a
mass grave!" "People are eating each other!" "A week ago this place was buzzing with
life--now it's buzzing with flies." "We've gotta get hold of some penicillin!" As you can tell
from the preceding quotes, Zombi 3 is full of memorable dialogue. None of these lines,
however, approaches the genius of this line: "We have lived through an appallingly horrific
episode." These words are uttered by the great Blue Heart, and they are genius because
they describe not only what has just happened in Zombi 3, but also what it feels like to have
watched Zombi 3 itself. How very postmodern.
Score: 3
Makeup: I'm on the fence concerning the makeup in Zombi 3. On the one hand, some of it
is used to great effect; for example. whenever infected humans devolve into zombies they
spew, from various orifices, more pus, goo, and gunk than The Toxic Avenger and Joan
Rivers' face before a Botox session combined. On the other hand, most of the zombies in
this movie are rather lame looking, because their makeup consists mainly of some brown
stuff smeared on their faces in a half-assed fashion, and I almost mean that literally,
because in this film, usually only a zombie's head and hands have makeup on the
them--their arms and legs are never actually zombiefied. I guess the lesson in all of this is
two-fold: (1) if you make someone look rather gruesome while turning into a zombie, the
end result of the process needs to look even more gruesome, and (2) nothing ruins a
zombie movie quicker than a non-zombiefied zombie appendage.
Score: 3
is used to great effect; for example. whenever infected humans devolve into zombies they
spew, from various orifices, more pus, goo, and gunk than The Toxic Avenger and Joan
Rivers' face before a Botox session combined. On the other hand, most of the zombies in
this movie are rather lame looking, because their makeup consists mainly of some brown
stuff smeared on their faces in a half-assed fashion, and I almost mean that literally,
because in this film, usually only a zombie's head and hands have makeup on the
them--their arms and legs are never actually zombiefied. I guess the lesson in all of this is
two-fold: (1) if you make someone look rather gruesome while turning into a zombie, the
end result of the process needs to look even more gruesome, and (2) nothing ruins a
zombie movie quicker than a non-zombiefied zombie appendage.
Score: 3
Comedy: Intentional comedy in Zombi 3: none. Unintentional comedy in Zombi 3:
shitloads. There are too many instances of unintentional comedy in this film to mention, so
I'll just say that pretty much every speech that Blue Heart makes in this movie is hilarious,
mainly because I think he's supposed to be philosophical and witty, but in reality he sounds
like an escaped mental patient reciting Wittgenstein backwards. If you don't believe me,
just listen to this. That's not the type of thing that people seek out and listen to
willingly--that's the type of thing that is blasted at prisoners in Guantanamo to break them
psychologically.
Other than that, I do feel compelled to mention the scene in which a guy angrily denounces
environmental conservation, only to then be attacked by a zombie bird. Not only is this
scene funny, but it also really makes you think about how ironic it would be to be an
anti-environmentalist and have a zombie bird eat your face off. That's deep.
Score: 3
shitloads. There are too many instances of unintentional comedy in this film to mention, so
I'll just say that pretty much every speech that Blue Heart makes in this movie is hilarious,
mainly because I think he's supposed to be philosophical and witty, but in reality he sounds
like an escaped mental patient reciting Wittgenstein backwards. If you don't believe me,
just listen to this. That's not the type of thing that people seek out and listen to
willingly--that's the type of thing that is blasted at prisoners in Guantanamo to break them
psychologically.
Other than that, I do feel compelled to mention the scene in which a guy angrily denounces
environmental conservation, only to then be attacked by a zombie bird. Not only is this
scene funny, but it also really makes you think about how ironic it would be to be an
anti-environmentalist and have a zombie bird eat your face off. That's deep.
Score: 3
Lead Actor: Zombi 3 doesn't feature a lead actor, probably because it's composed of more
than one film whilst only running for 93-minutes. It's kind of hard to establish a lead for two
different films in such a short amount of time. That being said, I think there's something
else at work here with regards to this category: it seems to me that the real reason that
Zombi 3 has no lead actor is because no one involved with the film was willing to step up
and declare him/herself the grand marshal of this-here shit parade. I, for one, don't blame
anyone for such a decision--desperate times call for desperate measures.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: It's kind of hard to have a sidekick or a love interest when you
don't have a lead actor. I will say this, though, for this category: everyone in this movie
seems more or less willing to bang everyone else. That's got to count for something.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: We haven't had many good things to say thus far about Zombi 3; is the tide
about to turn here? Does Zombi 3 feature the greatest ensemble cast since TV's Full
House? Um, no. To be blunt: I haven't seen acting this bad on a scale this vast since my
third-grade class staged a dramatic reading of War and Peace. Those were dark days.
Score: 2
Token Scientist: Zombi 3's token scientist is Doctor Holder, the man responsible for
perfecting Death One, and the man responsible for destroying it. Doctor Holder is a unique
token scientist in the sense that whereas most token scientists are amoral, bloodthirsty
malcontents bent on world domination, he has reservations about the work he's doing, and
spends most of the film wringing his hands and trying to find a way to stop the Death One
virus. I'm not sure that it should come as a surprise that something called Death One will
harm people, but then again, I'm not a scientist. So, I should probably just shut up.
Score: 3
than one film whilst only running for 93-minutes. It's kind of hard to establish a lead for two
different films in such a short amount of time. That being said, I think there's something
else at work here with regards to this category: it seems to me that the real reason that
Zombi 3 has no lead actor is because no one involved with the film was willing to step up
and declare him/herself the grand marshal of this-here shit parade. I, for one, don't blame
anyone for such a decision--desperate times call for desperate measures.
Score: 1
Sidekick(s)/Love Interest: It's kind of hard to have a sidekick or a love interest when you
don't have a lead actor. I will say this, though, for this category: everyone in this movie
seems more or less willing to bang everyone else. That's got to count for something.
Score: 2
Overall Cast: We haven't had many good things to say thus far about Zombi 3; is the tide
about to turn here? Does Zombi 3 feature the greatest ensemble cast since TV's Full
House? Um, no. To be blunt: I haven't seen acting this bad on a scale this vast since my
third-grade class staged a dramatic reading of War and Peace. Those were dark days.
Score: 2
Token Scientist: Zombi 3's token scientist is Doctor Holder, the man responsible for
perfecting Death One, and the man responsible for destroying it. Doctor Holder is a unique
token scientist in the sense that whereas most token scientists are amoral, bloodthirsty
malcontents bent on world domination, he has reservations about the work he's doing, and
spends most of the film wringing his hands and trying to find a way to stop the Death One
virus. I'm not sure that it should come as a surprise that something called Death One will
harm people, but then again, I'm not a scientist. So, I should probably just shut up.
Score: 3
| I'm not a doctor, but it seems like this guy's spent too much time in the tanning bed. |
| When was the last time a whiteboard helped someone stop a zombie outbreak? I mean, COME ON. |
| Can anyone tell me what's happening here? Is a person being attacked by a zombie in this shot, or by something else, like a giant gila monster? Is there even a person there? A better question: why would you release a movie that no one can even see? |
| "A week ago this place was buzzing with life--now it's buzzing with flies"--yeah, I'd say that looks like about a week's worth of vine growth. |
Signature Zombie: Zombi 3's signature zombie is none other than Blue Heart, everyone's
favorite undead DJ, who, it must be pointed out again, doesn't let a little thing like
zombification stand in the way of completing his DJ shift at the radio station. This scene
does make me wonder who would win in a fight: Zombie Blue Heart or Wolfman Jack?
Wolfman vs. Zombie: why couldn't Fulci and Mattei have made that movie instead of this
one?
Score: 3
Total Points: 66
Verdict: Another Fulci zombie movie (well, most of it anyways), another case of me
scratching my head wondering why this guy is (a) revered by fans of zombie movies and (b)
placed alongside George Romero as one of the two luminaries of the genre. I know I'm
alone in this, but I just don't see why Fulci has the following that he does. Granted, Zombi 2
is the highest-rated film on ZombieTastic, but it's the exception to the Fulci rule--his other
films that have been reviewed here (City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery,
Zombi 3) are, in my opinion, borderline unwatchable. Alongside Zombi 2, Fulci's other
"undisputed zombie classic" is 1981's The Beyond. While I do plan on reviewing this film
for ZombieTastic at some point, after the atrocity that is Zombi 3, I think it's going to be a
while before I get around to doing so. In the meantime, if any of you out there are working
on a zombie movie, heed my warning: keep Bruno Mattei away from it at all costs.
Next Time: I Eat Your Skin
favorite undead DJ, who, it must be pointed out again, doesn't let a little thing like
zombification stand in the way of completing his DJ shift at the radio station. This scene
does make me wonder who would win in a fight: Zombie Blue Heart or Wolfman Jack?
Wolfman vs. Zombie: why couldn't Fulci and Mattei have made that movie instead of this
one?
Score: 3
Total Points: 66
Verdict: Another Fulci zombie movie (well, most of it anyways), another case of me
scratching my head wondering why this guy is (a) revered by fans of zombie movies and (b)
placed alongside George Romero as one of the two luminaries of the genre. I know I'm
alone in this, but I just don't see why Fulci has the following that he does. Granted, Zombi 2
is the highest-rated film on ZombieTastic, but it's the exception to the Fulci rule--his other
films that have been reviewed here (City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery,
Zombi 3) are, in my opinion, borderline unwatchable. Alongside Zombi 2, Fulci's other
"undisputed zombie classic" is 1981's The Beyond. While I do plan on reviewing this film
for ZombieTastic at some point, after the atrocity that is Zombi 3, I think it's going to be a
while before I get around to doing so. In the meantime, if any of you out there are working
on a zombie movie, heed my warning: keep Bruno Mattei away from it at all costs.
Next Time: I Eat Your Skin
Exposition: As if it weren't hard enough to have to follow the film's two seemingly unrelated
storylines, there's also the fact that much of Zombi 3 is coma-inducingly boring.
Fortunately, both Fulci and Mattei delivered the goods in terms of exposition--both storylines
provide enough expository information to remind everyone what's happening at any given
time. In Mattei's case, exposition is provided by the often-frantic Doctor Holder and his
semi-competent band of scientists as they repeatedly shout proclamations of doom to
anyone who will listen, often conveniently foreshadowing what's about to happen next in the
film. On the Fulci side of things, exposition comes in the form of a DJ named Blue Heart,
who for some reason uses his radio broadcast to recap any action the audience might
have missed in the previous scene. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad way
to handle exposition at all. Ultimately, I feel conflicted discussing this aspect of Zombi 3,
because I don't want it to seem like I'm praising any part of this piece of junk. Accordingly,
I'm still going to give a low score in this category.
Score: 2
storylines, there's also the fact that much of Zombi 3 is coma-inducingly boring.
Fortunately, both Fulci and Mattei delivered the goods in terms of exposition--both storylines
provide enough expository information to remind everyone what's happening at any given
time. In Mattei's case, exposition is provided by the often-frantic Doctor Holder and his
semi-competent band of scientists as they repeatedly shout proclamations of doom to
anyone who will listen, often conveniently foreshadowing what's about to happen next in the
film. On the Fulci side of things, exposition comes in the form of a DJ named Blue Heart,
who for some reason uses his radio broadcast to recap any action the audience might
have missed in the previous scene. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad way
to handle exposition at all. Ultimately, I feel conflicted discussing this aspect of Zombi 3,
because I don't want it to seem like I'm praising any part of this piece of junk. Accordingly,
I'm still going to give a low score in this category.
Score: 2
| A zombie, comitting suicide in lieu of continuing to appear in Zombi 3. |
| Zombies: so very lazy. |
Plausibility: If you want to destroy your film's plausibility, you can start it off with a team of
thieves "sneaking" into a military installation by driving a bright orange van onto a tarmac
whilst wearing conspicuous, all-white jumpsuits and brandishing machine guns.
Or, you can send a bioterrorism task force to round up people potentially infected with a
virus, and have them notice everyone BUT the dude who is standing in plain view, holding
up a clearly infected finger directly in front of them.
Or, you can have a DJ character say "dig this hot new number" before playing an incredibly
shitty song, and then have one of your supposedly non-gay army characters tell his male
friends that the song is making him "horny."
Or, you can do all of the above, which is the approach that was taken in Zombi 3. Way to go,
team!
Score: 2
Production Value: The lameness of Zombi 3's production values can be summed up with
one word: uniforms. It doesn't take much to convince me that I'm looking at soldiers and
disease control specialists, but it does take more than faded green coveralls and low-rent
jumpsuits. If you're going to clothe your generic soldiers in generic outfits, couldn't you at
least spend a few extra bucks on the general's uniform to make him stand out? No? You
can't? Well in that case, I can't give you a high score in this category.
Score: 1
Special Effects: Despite its numerous flaws, Zombi 3 does feature a sequence so
amazing and audacious and audaciously amazing, it redefined the notion of "special
effects" and exploded the boundaries of what people thought was possible in film. I'm
talking about the scene in which a guy opens a refrigerator and a severed zombie head
"flies" out and bites him on the neck. When this head flies out, it's clearly not on strings,
and it's clearly not a cheap-looking puppet that appears to have been assembled
approximately five seconds before the scene was shot. I have so many questions about
this scene. Why is the head in the refrigerator? Where is its body? How did they get it to
"fly" in the age before CGI? In the end, who cares! The point is, it's a flying zombie head
that kicks ass and takes names (although not literally). In short: A-MAZ-ING.
Compared to a flying zombie head, you'd be prone to think that any other type of special
effect in this film would be a letdown. And you'd be right. I will give special mention, though,
to the zombie attack scene that culminates with the film itself being sped up so as to make
the zombie appear to be more menacing. It's almost as breathtaking an effect as the whole
flying head thing. AWESOME!
Score: 2
thieves "sneaking" into a military installation by driving a bright orange van onto a tarmac
whilst wearing conspicuous, all-white jumpsuits and brandishing machine guns.
Or, you can send a bioterrorism task force to round up people potentially infected with a
virus, and have them notice everyone BUT the dude who is standing in plain view, holding
up a clearly infected finger directly in front of them.
Or, you can have a DJ character say "dig this hot new number" before playing an incredibly
shitty song, and then have one of your supposedly non-gay army characters tell his male
friends that the song is making him "horny."
Or, you can do all of the above, which is the approach that was taken in Zombi 3. Way to go,
team!
Score: 2
Production Value: The lameness of Zombi 3's production values can be summed up with
one word: uniforms. It doesn't take much to convince me that I'm looking at soldiers and
disease control specialists, but it does take more than faded green coveralls and low-rent
jumpsuits. If you're going to clothe your generic soldiers in generic outfits, couldn't you at
least spend a few extra bucks on the general's uniform to make him stand out? No? You
can't? Well in that case, I can't give you a high score in this category.
Score: 1
Special Effects: Despite its numerous flaws, Zombi 3 does feature a sequence so
amazing and audacious and audaciously amazing, it redefined the notion of "special
effects" and exploded the boundaries of what people thought was possible in film. I'm
talking about the scene in which a guy opens a refrigerator and a severed zombie head
"flies" out and bites him on the neck. When this head flies out, it's clearly not on strings,
and it's clearly not a cheap-looking puppet that appears to have been assembled
approximately five seconds before the scene was shot. I have so many questions about
this scene. Why is the head in the refrigerator? Where is its body? How did they get it to
"fly" in the age before CGI? In the end, who cares! The point is, it's a flying zombie head
that kicks ass and takes names (although not literally). In short: A-MAZ-ING.
Compared to a flying zombie head, you'd be prone to think that any other type of special
effect in this film would be a letdown. And you'd be right. I will give special mention, though,
to the zombie attack scene that culminates with the film itself being sped up so as to make
the zombie appear to be more menacing. It's almost as breathtaking an effect as the whole
flying head thing. AWESOME!
Score: 2
| 1. Lie in a refrigerator, waiting for a victim: |
| 2. When the refrigerator door is opened, "fly" at whoever opened it: |
| 3. Bite!: |
Scariness: One of the main problems with Zombi 3, aside from the fact that it's generally
incompetent, is that in what is ostensibly a horror movie, there appears to have been
absolutely no effort put into making the thing scary. It's one thing to make a horror movie
that tries to be scary and fails; it's another to apparently not give a shit one way or the other.
But hey, at least the movie features a flying zombie head, right?
Score: 1
Goriness: If nothing else, at least Zombi 3 has a Fulci-esque amount of gore in it. From the
various shots of humans decomposing into zombies, to the dude chopping his own hand
off, to the exploding head, to the zombie running around with a stake through its neck,
there's more than enough gore on-hand. On that note, special mention must be made of
the scene in which a lady gets part of her face ripped off by a zombie and then gets more of
her face ripped off by a zombie baby that busts out through its mother's stomach. I can't
believe someone found a way to make the act of childbirth even more disturbing.
Score: 4
incompetent, is that in what is ostensibly a horror movie, there appears to have been
absolutely no effort put into making the thing scary. It's one thing to make a horror movie
that tries to be scary and fails; it's another to apparently not give a shit one way or the other.
But hey, at least the movie features a flying zombie head, right?
Score: 1
Goriness: If nothing else, at least Zombi 3 has a Fulci-esque amount of gore in it. From the
various shots of humans decomposing into zombies, to the dude chopping his own hand
off, to the exploding head, to the zombie running around with a stake through its neck,
there's more than enough gore on-hand. On that note, special mention must be made of
the scene in which a lady gets part of her face ripped off by a zombie and then gets more of
her face ripped off by a zombie baby that busts out through its mother's stomach. I can't
believe someone found a way to make the act of childbirth even more disturbing.
Score: 4
Originality: It probably goes without saying that there isn't much that's original about Zombi
3. But, considering that this is the 'originality' category, something needs to be said
anyways. Most of the ways that Zombi 3 rips off other films have been more than
adequately documented in the excellent book Zombiemania; to this I will just add one thing:
Mattei's storyline steals wholesale the "science vs. military" tension from George Romero's
Day of the Dead, making it incredibly boring and annoying in the process, and bringing to
mind the question: do scientists and military people really hate each other that much?
Still, credit should be given where it is due, and I will say this: Zombi 3 features a lady giving
birth to a zombie baby a full sixteen years before it was done in the Dawn of the Dead
remake. Is this originality, or did Bruno Mattei invent a time machine so as to swipe things
from future zombie films? I guess I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I do
wonder...
Score: 2
Rewatchability: Let me sum up Zombi 3's non-re-watchability by making two points:
(1) I had seen Zombi 3 prior to viewing it for this review, and I was dreading having to watch
it again. It took me about a week of procrastination before I was finally able to successfully
force myself to watch it a second time.
(2) During this second viewing, my DVD copy of the film locked up briefly around the
one-hour and three-minute mark, and I got really excited, because I thought it meant that the
DVD was broken and I would have an excuse to not finish the whole thing. Alas, it was not
to be.
Score: 1
Datedness: Zombi 3 is dated in multiple ways, including by the fact that it was filmed in that
golden era when all scientists, regardless of their field of specialization, wore white lab
coats at all times. Those were the days. Also, the film was made in 1988, but the image
quality makes it look like it's from 1978 (note: I don't mean that in a rocking
old-school/vintage kind of way). To summarize: Zombi 3 should not be viewed by anyone in
any time period, ever.
Score: 2
3. But, considering that this is the 'originality' category, something needs to be said
anyways. Most of the ways that Zombi 3 rips off other films have been more than
adequately documented in the excellent book Zombiemania; to this I will just add one thing:
Mattei's storyline steals wholesale the "science vs. military" tension from George Romero's
Day of the Dead, making it incredibly boring and annoying in the process, and bringing to
mind the question: do scientists and military people really hate each other that much?
Still, credit should be given where it is due, and I will say this: Zombi 3 features a lady giving
birth to a zombie baby a full sixteen years before it was done in the Dawn of the Dead
remake. Is this originality, or did Bruno Mattei invent a time machine so as to swipe things
from future zombie films? I guess I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I do
wonder...
Score: 2
Rewatchability: Let me sum up Zombi 3's non-re-watchability by making two points:
(1) I had seen Zombi 3 prior to viewing it for this review, and I was dreading having to watch
it again. It took me about a week of procrastination before I was finally able to successfully
force myself to watch it a second time.
(2) During this second viewing, my DVD copy of the film locked up briefly around the
one-hour and three-minute mark, and I got really excited, because I thought it meant that the
DVD was broken and I would have an excuse to not finish the whole thing. Alas, it was not
to be.
Score: 1
Datedness: Zombi 3 is dated in multiple ways, including by the fact that it was filmed in that
golden era when all scientists, regardless of their field of specialization, wore white lab
coats at all times. Those were the days. Also, the film was made in 1988, but the image
quality makes it look like it's from 1978 (note: I don't mean that in a rocking
old-school/vintage kind of way). To summarize: Zombi 3 should not be viewed by anyone in
any time period, ever.
Score: 2
Intangibles: For all of its negatives, Zombi 3 does, at the very least, have some of the best
DVD chapter titles that I've ever come across, including "Flying Zombie Head/'Warning'",
"Face Rip / Zombie Baby" and "Original Opening". You really know what you're getting when
you look at the DVD's inlay card, that's all I'm saying.
Additionally, there's something to be said for establishing a film's tone right away and then
sticking to that. In this case, Zombi 3 begins with one of the longest, most boring opening
credits sequences in the history of film, showing us an orange van driving around, some
scientists riding an elevator, and a guy flying in a helicopter. You know right then and there
that this movie is going to blow. I for one give Fulci and Mattei credit for this--it would have
been far too easy to start Zombi 3 out with the flying zombie head, fooling unsuspecting
audiences into thinking that the movie they're about to watch will actually be worth watching.
I guess a little truth in advertising goes a long way.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: As is often the case with dreadful zombie movies, the undead in
Zombi 3 are imminently believable in the sense that they want to destroy everyone
associated with this movie. Can you blame them? I can't.
Score: 3
DVD chapter titles that I've ever come across, including "Flying Zombie Head/'Warning'",
"Face Rip / Zombie Baby" and "Original Opening". You really know what you're getting when
you look at the DVD's inlay card, that's all I'm saying.
Additionally, there's something to be said for establishing a film's tone right away and then
sticking to that. In this case, Zombi 3 begins with one of the longest, most boring opening
credits sequences in the history of film, showing us an orange van driving around, some
scientists riding an elevator, and a guy flying in a helicopter. You know right then and there
that this movie is going to blow. I for one give Fulci and Mattei credit for this--it would have
been far too easy to start Zombi 3 out with the flying zombie head, fooling unsuspecting
audiences into thinking that the movie they're about to watch will actually be worth watching.
I guess a little truth in advertising goes a long way.
Score: 3
Zombie Believability: As is often the case with dreadful zombie movies, the undead in
Zombi 3 are imminently believable in the sense that they want to destroy everyone
associated with this movie. Can you blame them? I can't.
Score: 3
Zombie Attack Scenes: Showing a rare glimmer of competence, Zombi 3 does at least
feature a large number of zombie attack scenes. There's the zombie bird free-for-all, the
numerous attacks in the hotel, the attack in the abandoned warehouse (well, we think this
was a zombie attack scene--the image quality during this scene was terrible and it was
kind of hard to tell what was happening--it was either a zombie attack or footage of an elk
migration)...honestly there were several more zombie attack scenes besides these, but
after a while I lost the desire to catalogue them all. Sue me.
Score: 4
feature a large number of zombie attack scenes. There's the zombie bird free-for-all, the
numerous attacks in the hotel, the attack in the abandoned warehouse (well, we think this
was a zombie attack scene--the image quality during this scene was terrible and it was
kind of hard to tell what was happening--it was either a zombie attack or footage of an elk
migration)...honestly there were several more zombie attack scenes besides these, but
after a while I lost the desire to catalogue them all. Sue me.
Score: 4
| Um, does anybody have any Jergens? |